Wanton Acts of Illicit Desire

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of A DISH BEST KILLED, after her elderly husband Dart goes to the hospital to get some tests, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover Jett Targo celebrate on her housboat ... and then plan Dart's demise ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDOOM - MOMENTS LATER
Dart lies in bed, scowling.
Dr. Bing holds a stethoscope on Dart’s chest.
Haven and Jett stand nearby, watching.

BING
Heart rate is a bit high --
(to Dart)
I’d like you to come to St. Luke’s for a
couple of days so I can run some tests.

DART
No hospitals. I hate hospitals.

HAVEN
Can’t you run tests -- here?

BING
I’m sorry, but I want to run a cat scan,
do an MRI, some blood work --

DART
No hospitals, godammit.

BING
Still feisty. That’s good.
You’re a fighter. But I’m sorry, Dart,
I’m going to have to insist.

He pulls out his cell phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

BING (CONT’D)
Yes. This is Dr. Bing Birmingham.
I have a patient I’d like to admit --

PUSH IN ON Haven and Jett.
Exchanging nervous glances.

A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE
is gripped by red-nailed hands.
The cork POPS.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Shades are drawn.
Candles are flickering.
Soft music bubbles.

In bed are Haven, saucy
in red panties and bra.

And Jett, suave in a black tank top.
Cut arm muscles glistening.

A champagne bottle erupts
in a geyser of FOAM.

Haven and Jett try to catch it
with their flutes. LAUGHING.

HAVEN
Shit! It’s getting all over the bed!

JETT
So we’ll wash the sheets.
Who’s gonna complain?

HAVEN
NOBODY!

Jett takes a sip. Haven GUZZLES hers.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
More, more!
(pours another, raises glass)
A toast --

JETT
(raises hers)
A toast --

HAVEN
To three days all by ourselves.

JETT
To wanton acts of illicit desire.

They CLINK. Drink.

HAVEN
That sounds like a line from a movie.

JETT
That Killing Feeling.

HAVEN
The one where two guys rob a bank --

JETT
Farley Granger and Sal Mineo.
With a homoerotic subtext that
gives a new meaning to the phrase
'riding off into the sunset.'
Haven puts her hand on Jett’s thigh.

HAVEN
Speaking of illicit desire --

Jett leans over. Kisses Haven softly.
Touches her face.

JETT
You are -- so beautiful.

Haven smiles. Thinking.
A storm cloud passes. Bites her lip.

JETT (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?

HAVEN
We have to come up with our plan.
Right away. We don’t have much time.
(beat)
We’re being watched.

JETT
You’re right.
(grabs her glass, takes a sip)
I’ve been thinking.
I think I have an idea.
(beat)
What if the battery died
in his insulin pump?

HAVEN
But I change the battery once a week.

JETT
But what if you put
in a defective battery?
By mistake. On purpose.
There would be no suspicion.
If you didn’t change the batteries,
then it would be suspicious.
But if you put in a
defective battery, by mistake --

HAVEN
That’s fucking brilliant.
(beat)
But where do we get a defective battery?

JETT
We drain a new one.
Put one in a flashlight or something.
Leave it on until it’s almost dead.
(beat)
So how long -- would it take?

HAVEN
How long would what take?

JETT
For him to -- you know.

HAVEN
I dunno. A couple hours?
Maybe a little longer.
He’ll go into insulin shock,
which at his age would be fatal.
(beat)
But what am I supposed to do while he’s --

JETT
You screen a movie every night, right?

HAVEN
YES. But, wait -- most of
those movies are short.
A little over an hour.

JETT
So you pick a long one.
I just saw A Place In The Sun,
and it’s over two hours.

HAVEN
Perfect. I’ve never seen it,
and he’ll be impressed I want to.
(thinks)
And if we have little wine,
he’ll fall asleep --

JETT
Then it’s a plan.

They raise their glasses. Toast.

JETT (CONT’D)
To -- doing this.

HAVEN
To -- gether.
(beat)
Straight down the line.

They drink. Drain their glasses.
Jett takes the bottle.
Slowly pours champagne on Haven’s thigh.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Hey! What are you doing? That’s COLD.

Jett smiles, leans down.
Starts licking it off.

Haven writhes in ecstasy.
Little kitty moans.

Jett GRABS the comforter --
And PULLS IT over them.

JETT (O.C.)
Heh-heh-heh --

HAVEN (O.C.)
Wait, that’s --
(beat)
Yeah, RIGHT THERE.
(beat)
Oh MY GOD.