Baptism By Water

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of A DISH BEST KILLED, the plot thickens when B-movie starlet Haven Crayce discovers that sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz and little person neighbor Nola Bliss are spying on her and her illicit lover, lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo.


EXT. HOUSEBOAT - THE NEXT MORNING
A gorgeous, perfect, sunshiny morning.
Jett trains Haven outside on the deck.

HAVEN
What was I supposed to say?
You can’t come and examine him b
ecause he might have to go
to the hospital and then
we can’t KILL him?

JETT
What time is he supposed to be here?

HAVEN
Any minute now.

JETT
Shit.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Mornin’, ladies.

Jett and Haven look, see --

TRIMMER WALTZ
on his Sheriff’s boat.
Big ol’ grin on his face.

JETT
(nods)
Deputy.

HAVEN
Trimmer.

TRIMMER
Sure is a gorgeous day.

JETT
Yes, sir.

TRIMMER
(to Haven)
How is your husband doing?
Has he recovered from that nasty fall?

HAVEN
(surprised)
Uh -- he’s fine.

TRIMMER
Lucky for him you were around.
Hate to see anything happen to him.

The radio SQUAWKS.
Trimmer picks up the receiver. Listens.

TRIMMER (CONT'D)
Holy COW. I’ll be right there, chief.
(clicks it off, looks at them)
Pregnant lady fell in the drink
at the Fisherman’s Wharf.
Baptism by water. Heh-heh-heh.
(salutes)
See ya later.

And he ZOOMS away.

HAVEN
What the fuck?

JETT
How did he find out?
You think he’s --

HAVEN
Watching us?

JETT
I dunno, I --

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Ahoy, mateys!

HAVEN
(turns, looks)
Nola.

JETT
Who is THAT?

HAVEN
Neighbor from hell.

NOLA BLISS
stands on the dock in a tiny running suit.
Bottle of imported beer in one hand,
the rest of the six pack in the other.
She pads up the gangplank on little feet.
Big smile and a wave.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Nola. This is a nice surprise.
What’s going on?

NOLA
I’m celebrating.
Just got a role in the
new Jason Statham flick,
The Inter-rogator.
Joe Carnahan HAD to have me.

HAVEN
That’s great. So you’re,
what -- the love interest?

NOLA
I wish. I’m an assassin.

They look at each other. Fake smiles.

NOLA (CONT’D)
Beer?

HAVEN
Sorry, I’m -- working out.

NOLA
You certainly are.

JETT
(offers her hand)
Hi, I’m Jett. Her trainer.

NOLA
Nice to meet you.
(gives her the once-over)
Do you have any openings?
I might have to get in
shape for this role.

JETT
My schedule’s pretty full.
But let me check, and
I’ll get back to you.

NOLA
Super.
(to Haven)
So how is your husband?
Is he okay?
That was a pretty nasty fall.

HAVEN
He’s -- fine, thanks.

NOLA
That’s good. Whew.
(brightly)
Well, I gotta toodle-oo.
Gotta wardrobe fitting.
Ciao, darlings.

She smiles, turns, and
skittles down the gangplank.

JETT
What’s going on here?

HAVEN
Fucking nosy midget.
Spying on me.
(thinks)
We’re going to have to do it soon.
Have you thought of anything yet?

JETT
Yeah. His insulin pump?

HAVEN
What about it?

JETT
I’ve been researching what
happens if it fails --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Top o’ the mornin,’ Mrs. Crayce!

Haven turns, sees --

‘BING’ BIRMINGHAM, MD (70’S).
Tall, hulking with a big gut,
shock of white hair.

Gap-toothed smile
in a soft, doughy face.

Waddling up the gangplank
with his doctor’s bag.

HAVEN
Dr. Birmingham. Nice to see you.

BING
Gorgeous day for a workout.
I see you’ve hired a trainer.
(offers his hand to Jett)
Bing Birmingham, MD.
But you can call me Dr. Bing.
Everyone does.

JETT
(takes hand, shakes)
Dr. -- Bing. Jett Targo, hi.

PUSH IN ON Bing. Suddenly serious.

BING
Let’s go see the patient.