No Stalking On Sunday

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover Jett Targo make their final plans to kill her retired movie director husband Dart the next morning ...


EXT. THE SAFE HAVEN - REAR DECK - MORNING
Overcast and foggy.
A bit of a chill.
Wind FLAPS the sails.

Jett trains Haven on the deck.
They both look sad.

HAVEN
Funny. No Trimmer. No Nola.

JETT
No stalking on Sunday.
(beat)
What time is he
supposed to get here?

HAVEN
Any minute now.

JETT
These last three days
have been -- nice. Really nice.
It went by so fast.

HAVEN
Imagine what it’s going
to be like after he’s --

JETT
I know.
It’s all I can think about.

HAVEN
So when are we going to --

JETT
I don’t know.
Maybe we should
wait a little while.

HAVEN
I can’t wait.
I can’t stand it anymore, Jett.
I don’t wanna have to --
service him anymore.
I want this to be over with,
so we can be together.
(stops lifting)
We have to do it tonight.

JETT
Tonight?

HAVEN
Yeah. We’ve only known
each other a few days,
so no one will suspect
there’s anything going on.

JETT
That’s true.

HAVEN
(evil smile)
And besides, I’m doing
all the heavy lifting.
(sees something)
There’s the hospital van.
You better get going.

JETT
Okay. Good luck.
I’ll see you tomorrow morning.

HAVEN
I don’t think the grieving widow
should be weight training.
I’ll come see you.

JETT
You’re right.
(turns, eyes well up)
Okay, bye --

Jett hustles off down the
gangplank in the other direction.

PUSH IN ON Haven.
Looking to her right.
Concerned smile.

HAVEN
Dart, honey!
It’s so good to SEE you --

Wanton Acts of Illicit Desire

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of A DISH BEST KILLED, after her elderly husband Dart goes to the hospital to get some tests, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her illicit lesbian lover Jett Targo celebrate on her housboat ... and then plan Dart's demise ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDOOM - MOMENTS LATER
Dart lies in bed, scowling.
Dr. Bing holds a stethoscope on Dart’s chest.
Haven and Jett stand nearby, watching.

BING
Heart rate is a bit high --
(to Dart)
I’d like you to come to St. Luke’s for a
couple of days so I can run some tests.

DART
No hospitals. I hate hospitals.

HAVEN
Can’t you run tests -- here?

BING
I’m sorry, but I want to run a cat scan,
do an MRI, some blood work --

DART
No hospitals, godammit.

BING
Still feisty. That’s good.
You’re a fighter. But I’m sorry, Dart,
I’m going to have to insist.

He pulls out his cell phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

BING (CONT’D)
Yes. This is Dr. Bing Birmingham.
I have a patient I’d like to admit --

PUSH IN ON Haven and Jett.
Exchanging nervous glances.

A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE
is gripped by red-nailed hands.
The cork POPS.

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Shades are drawn.
Candles are flickering.
Soft music bubbles.

In bed are Haven, saucy
in red panties and bra.

And Jett, suave in a black tank top.
Cut arm muscles glistening.

A champagne bottle erupts
in a geyser of FOAM.

Haven and Jett try to catch it
with their flutes. LAUGHING.

HAVEN
Shit! It’s getting all over the bed!

JETT
So we’ll wash the sheets.
Who’s gonna complain?

HAVEN
NOBODY!

Jett takes a sip. Haven GUZZLES hers.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
More, more!
(pours another, raises glass)
A toast --

JETT
(raises hers)
A toast --

HAVEN
To three days all by ourselves.

JETT
To wanton acts of illicit desire.

They CLINK. Drink.

HAVEN
That sounds like a line from a movie.

JETT
That Killing Feeling.

HAVEN
The one where two guys rob a bank --

JETT
Farley Granger and Sal Mineo.
With a homoerotic subtext that
gives a new meaning to the phrase
'riding off into the sunset.'
Haven puts her hand on Jett’s thigh.

HAVEN
Speaking of illicit desire --

Jett leans over. Kisses Haven softly.
Touches her face.

JETT
You are -- so beautiful.

Haven smiles. Thinking.
A storm cloud passes. Bites her lip.

JETT (CONT’D)
What’s wrong?

HAVEN
We have to come up with our plan.
Right away. We don’t have much time.
(beat)
We’re being watched.

JETT
You’re right.
(grabs her glass, takes a sip)
I’ve been thinking.
I think I have an idea.
(beat)
What if the battery died
in his insulin pump?

HAVEN
But I change the battery once a week.

JETT
But what if you put
in a defective battery?
By mistake. On purpose.
There would be no suspicion.
If you didn’t change the batteries,
then it would be suspicious.
But if you put in a
defective battery, by mistake --

HAVEN
That’s fucking brilliant.
(beat)
But where do we get a defective battery?

JETT
We drain a new one.
Put one in a flashlight or something.
Leave it on until it’s almost dead.
(beat)
So how long -- would it take?

HAVEN
How long would what take?

JETT
For him to -- you know.

HAVEN
I dunno. A couple hours?
Maybe a little longer.
He’ll go into insulin shock,
which at his age would be fatal.
(beat)
But what am I supposed to do while he’s --

JETT
You screen a movie every night, right?

HAVEN
YES. But, wait -- most of
those movies are short.
A little over an hour.

JETT
So you pick a long one.
I just saw A Place In The Sun,
and it’s over two hours.

HAVEN
Perfect. I’ve never seen it,
and he’ll be impressed I want to.
(thinks)
And if we have little wine,
he’ll fall asleep --

JETT
Then it’s a plan.

They raise their glasses. Toast.

JETT (CONT’D)
To -- doing this.

HAVEN
To -- gether.
(beat)
Straight down the line.

They drink. Drain their glasses.
Jett takes the bottle.
Slowly pours champagne on Haven’s thigh.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Hey! What are you doing? That’s COLD.

Jett smiles, leans down.
Starts licking it off.

Haven writhes in ecstasy.
Little kitty moans.

Jett GRABS the comforter --
And PULLS IT over them.

JETT (O.C.)
Heh-heh-heh --

HAVEN (O.C.)
Wait, that’s --
(beat)
Yeah, RIGHT THERE.
(beat)
Oh MY GOD.

Baptism By Water

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of A DISH BEST KILLED, the plot thickens when B-movie starlet Haven Crayce discovers that sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz and little person neighbor Nola Bliss are spying on her and her illicit lover, lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo.


EXT. HOUSEBOAT - THE NEXT MORNING
A gorgeous, perfect, sunshiny morning.
Jett trains Haven outside on the deck.

HAVEN
What was I supposed to say?
You can’t come and examine him b
ecause he might have to go
to the hospital and then
we can’t KILL him?

JETT
What time is he supposed to be here?

HAVEN
Any minute now.

JETT
Shit.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Mornin’, ladies.

Jett and Haven look, see --

TRIMMER WALTZ
on his Sheriff’s boat.
Big ol’ grin on his face.

JETT
(nods)
Deputy.

HAVEN
Trimmer.

TRIMMER
Sure is a gorgeous day.

JETT
Yes, sir.

TRIMMER
(to Haven)
How is your husband doing?
Has he recovered from that nasty fall?

HAVEN
(surprised)
Uh -- he’s fine.

TRIMMER
Lucky for him you were around.
Hate to see anything happen to him.

The radio SQUAWKS.
Trimmer picks up the receiver. Listens.

TRIMMER (CONT'D)
Holy COW. I’ll be right there, chief.
(clicks it off, looks at them)
Pregnant lady fell in the drink
at the Fisherman’s Wharf.
Baptism by water. Heh-heh-heh.
(salutes)
See ya later.

And he ZOOMS away.

HAVEN
What the fuck?

JETT
How did he find out?
You think he’s --

HAVEN
Watching us?

JETT
I dunno, I --

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Ahoy, mateys!

HAVEN
(turns, looks)
Nola.

JETT
Who is THAT?

HAVEN
Neighbor from hell.

NOLA BLISS
stands on the dock in a tiny running suit.
Bottle of imported beer in one hand,
the rest of the six pack in the other.
She pads up the gangplank on little feet.
Big smile and a wave.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Nola. This is a nice surprise.
What’s going on?

NOLA
I’m celebrating.
Just got a role in the
new Jason Statham flick,
The Inter-rogator.
Joe Carnahan HAD to have me.

HAVEN
That’s great. So you’re,
what -- the love interest?

NOLA
I wish. I’m an assassin.

They look at each other. Fake smiles.

NOLA (CONT’D)
Beer?

HAVEN
Sorry, I’m -- working out.

NOLA
You certainly are.

JETT
(offers her hand)
Hi, I’m Jett. Her trainer.

NOLA
Nice to meet you.
(gives her the once-over)
Do you have any openings?
I might have to get in
shape for this role.

JETT
My schedule’s pretty full.
But let me check, and
I’ll get back to you.

NOLA
Super.
(to Haven)
So how is your husband?
Is he okay?
That was a pretty nasty fall.

HAVEN
He’s -- fine, thanks.

NOLA
That’s good. Whew.
(brightly)
Well, I gotta toodle-oo.
Gotta wardrobe fitting.
Ciao, darlings.

She smiles, turns, and
skittles down the gangplank.

JETT
What’s going on here?

HAVEN
Fucking nosy midget.
Spying on me.
(thinks)
We’re going to have to do it soon.
Have you thought of anything yet?

JETT
Yeah. His insulin pump?

HAVEN
What about it?

JETT
I’ve been researching what
happens if it fails --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Top o’ the mornin,’ Mrs. Crayce!

Haven turns, sees --

‘BING’ BIRMINGHAM, MD (70’S).
Tall, hulking with a big gut,
shock of white hair.

Gap-toothed smile
in a soft, doughy face.

Waddling up the gangplank
with his doctor’s bag.

HAVEN
Dr. Birmingham. Nice to see you.

BING
Gorgeous day for a workout.
I see you’ve hired a trainer.
(offers his hand to Jett)
Bing Birmingham, MD.
But you can call me Dr. Bing.
Everyone does.

JETT
(takes hand, shakes)
Dr. -- Bing. Jett Targo, hi.

PUSH IN ON Bing. Suddenly serious.

BING
Let’s go see the patient.