Tricks Are For Chicks

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty spooks a would-be suitor at a trendy Hollywood nightclub. Meanwhile, homicide detective Bernie Keko busts his partner Jesus Valentine's balls about how he eats a banana ...


EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
An ugly, gutteral-twisting techno groove --
Curve’s violent, feminine WISH YOU DEAD.

Pain. Hollywood’s glittering club-of-the-moment.
Celeb-filled. Self-conscious. Fabulous.

A cluster of TRENDIES lay in wait
behind the velvet rope.

INT. PAIN - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle sits on a bar stool,
sips a chilled Twisted Nipple.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Okay, here’s the thing.
I’m gonna spell it out for ya.
No subtext here,
just the straight poop.
Ready on the poop deck!

A DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
slides onto the next stool.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Hi, there.

SPARKLE
What’s the hub-bub, bub?

The MBA stares, confused --
then recovers.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
40’s noir. Love it.
You must be a writer.

SPARKLE
As if. What-ever. Gag me.
Your bad. We must not do lunch.
Have your people tell my people
to shove it up your ass.
Buh-bye. Bigger, better offer.
(sips drink, off his look)
'Tex' Avery, 1950’s.
Cartoons, big fella.
Big fucking Bugs Bunny -- whassup, doc.
Silly rabbit, tricks are for chicks.

Pause.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Uh -- right.
(pulls out prescription bottle,
hands it to her)
Here. Take a couple of these.
They’ll level you out.

He leaves, muttering to himself.

SPARKLE
(sings)
Your love is giving me bad medicine --

She sips her cocktail.
Lights a Dunhill.
Laughs to herself.

SPARKLE (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Kay. Gonna smash all
your precious little myths.
Yes, my dad was a closet case
that drowned himself in
Iron City beer and Broadway musicals --
and yes, my dear, sweet mama
finger-fucked her precious
little beauty pageant prisoner.
(beat)
But that’s not why
I’m doing this -- no way, Jose.
This chick’s not into it for some
kind of emotionally scarred
payback kinda thing.
This ain’t no party,
this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around.
It’s just -- fun. It’s a high.
Better than coming.
(beat)
C’mon, admit it.
You’ve got someone in your life
you’d like to do bodily harm to,
maybe even kill.
Your neighbor, someone at work.
Maybe, if you’re really
blessed, an ex-lover?
Or, if you’ve been chosen,
found your calling -- a relative.
(beat)
Yeah, that’s a good one.
Blow em up. Imagine how great
it feels to totally obliterate
the demented creators
of your misery and pain.
It’s like having a big bowl
of instant karma,
served with mother’s milk --
and Daddy’s banana.

EXT./INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MOVING - NIGHT
Bernie drives.
Jesus Valentine rides shotgun.
Eats a banana. Slowly. With relish.

KEKO
(looks at Jesus)
You’re enjoying that way too much.

VALENTINE
(mouth full)
Huh?

KEKO
It’s like you’re going down
on that fucking thing.

VALENTINE
Fuck you, fuckin’ homophobe.
I like to -- savor it.

KEKO
SAVOR it?

VALENTINE
Just because you have
a shitty vocabulary,
don’t get testy with me.

Divorce, American Style

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love and her ex-husband/ex-partner Bernie Keko listen to another crime scene tape recorded by under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - DAY
Larry sits behind his desk.
Sips his designer coffee.

LIPSHITZ
Damn, that’s good.
Who knew Ethiopia had such --

A sharp KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the door.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Come in.

It opens. Bernie strides in.
Stops. Looks behind him.

KEKO
Carrie. C’mon.

Carrie shuffles in. Dishevelled.
Stinking of last night.

CARRIE
(low)
Hey, Chief.

LIPSHITZ
Jesus, look who the cat fucked in.
Nice outfit. Where’s your shopping cart?

She goes to a chair.
Pours herself into it.

CARRIE
Didn’t know the rules applied
when I’m suspended.

KEKO
I found her in a bar, Chief --

LIPSHITZ
Can it, and sit your ass down.
This is serious business.
I’ve got no time for your
‘Divorce American Style’ crap.
(to Carrie)
You’re here Carrie because we
believe you were the last person
to see Ms. Daerr alive.

CARRIE
How could that be?
She was here at the station,
and tons of people were --

LIPSHITZ
Ramirez has a surveillance tape
from the morning she was killed.
(beat)
You really get around, don’tcha.

Busted.

CARRIE
(turning red)
Look, I can explain --

LIPSHITZ
And I don’t wanna hear it.
I could give a holy fuck.
I just want you to listen to this tape --
and tell me if Daerr said anything
or did anything that could
shed some light on this madness.

He points to a boombox on his desk.
Punches ‘play.’

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Hey there, film freaks!
Welcome to Murder Fone!
If you know the name of the grisly
dead body you want to see, press ONE.
If you know the name of the movie
that’s being depicted, press TWO.
And if you know the name of the
brilliant auteur, press THREE.

They exchange glances.
Lipshitz rolls his eyes.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Time’s up! BUZZZZZ.
(beat)
Pathetic. You rubes probably watch reality TV.
The cultural scourge of this once-great nation.
(beat)
I’m talking Brian DePalma, people!
Brian Fucking De-Palma.
The. Man. Gimmee five.
Gimmee some skin.
Gimmee some skin flick.
(beat)
DRESSED TO KILL was unleashed on the world
by Paramount Pictures back in ‘82.
Although most critics initially
dismissed it as a blatant,
cheesy Hitchcock rip-off,
it more than holds up today
as an erotic, beautifully shot mis en scene --
a pre-postmodern noir of elegant pacing.
It briefly let Angie Dickinson
shine again in a ‘brave performance’ --
(beat)
And it was a fucking brilliant plot device
to have what seemed to be a major character
sliced and diced like that thirty minutes in --
(beat)
Poor, bloody, sexy baby in creamy beige
lying in the elevator, shredded to ribbons --
(beat)
So, I said to myself, ‘self? How can I top that?
(giggles)
Guess the meat grinder takes it to the next level, huh.
(beat)
Don’t worry. I thought of making
devilled sandwiches out of her --
but even I have some limits.
Crazed, genius serial killer, oui --
depraved cannibal, no.
(beat)
Oh, and Carrie -- you and Bernie
better get your shit together.
‘Cause the end of the third act
is gonna get very messy.

Silence.

CARRIE
I feel sick.
(beat)
And oddly hungry all of a sudden.

LIPSHITZ
Did Daerr mention anybody she was mad at?
Or who was mad at her? Her ex, maybe?
I mean, seeing as how she was a muff-diver,
you might have some insight into the matter.

Carrie shoots him a look.

LIPSHITZ (CONT’D)
Nothing? Well, look -- here’s the deal.
She’s made it personal, has some
fucked up thing for you and Bernie.
But unfortunately for me,
you’re off the team for now.

CARRIE
I’d come back to work if you asked me nicely.

LIPSHITZ
I want you to go home and think, think hard.
And get your shit together. Don’t spiral down
into a black void of sex, alcohol and despair.
(friendly)
‘Cause if you do, I’ll kill ya.

Carrie stands. Nods.
Goes to the door.
Called on her shit.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
Nice to see you, Chief --

And she’s gone. Larry gets up.

KEKO
I think you got to her, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Let’s just hope she doesn’t get to herself.
(points at the door)
I want you and Valentine to keep
checking out those clubs. It’s our only lead.

KEKO
(as he leaves)
Don’t worry. We’ll get the bitch.

LIPSHITZ
So what does she want with Love and Keko?
Must’ve had a fucked up childhood --

The Days Of Wine And Lesbos

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love drowns her sorrows with a liquid breakfast in her favorite dive bar, but gets interrupted by her ex, detective Bernie Keko, with some horrific news ...


INT. THE CIRCLE BAR - MORNING
The Supremes’ STONE LOVE
plays softly on the juke.
Bright. Cheerful. Full of soul.

Unlike the bar. Dark. Quiet.
Inhabited by drunks at 9AM.

Carrie pours herself
into plush bar stool.
Orders her favorite poison.

Hears the music.
Takes off a combat boot --

And FLINGS IT at the music -- THWAP.
The record stops -- THWIK.

PABLO, the bartender,
Vin Diesel on sleep deprivation --
CRACKS his knuckles.

CARRIE
Sorry about that.
(beat)
Love songs make me wanna kill someone.
Put it on my tab.
(beat)
Better set up another.

BARTENDER
(pours)
Trouble with the ladies again?

CARRIE
Lady. A woman -- girl, really.
(beat)
Ladies. Sounds so --
(takes a big slug)
Demure. Pristine.

BARTENDER
Well, that's the idea, isn't it?
I mean, who doesn't want a lady?

Long pause.

CARRIE
My girlfriend, Pablo.
My fucking girlfriend.

AT THE FRONT
Bernie ambles in,
spies his prey, grins.
Shakes his head.

KEKO
(sings)
The days of wine and lesbos --

CAMERA follows him to the bar, laughing.

CARRIE
Get the fuck out of my bar, detective.

KEKO
Oh, your bar? This is your bar?
I bet Donnie Dapello
would find that interesting.
Did you finally pay off the vig --
or did the old man finally die
and leave you his estate?

CARRIE
This isn’t some stupid movie, Bernie --
where the former lovers
have to work together,
fight for awhile,
confront each other, change --
patch up their differences --
and end up back together,
happily ever after.
This is my life.
And I want you out of it.

KEKO
Ooh. That’s real hard-boiled
lady dick lingo, little girl.
You think I came here to do a
little Hepburn-Tracy dance with you?
Well, think again,
miss carpet muncher.
I’m here because Lipshitz
wants to see you.

Carrie grabs the bottle.
Pours a shot. Pounds it.

CARRIE
What. He’s gonna ask me to turn in
my swiss army knife and my decoder ring?

KEKO
You know Double D-Girl --
the airbrushed filly you’ve been
two-timing Miss gang-bang with?

She stops cold.
Gives him a look that
maims -- then kills.

CARRIE
What the fuck is it to you.

KEKO
She was found this morning
in her apartment.
In about a hundred pieces.
Spread like chunky peanut butter --

Electro-Glide In Lube

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love and porn star Laura Lang have cheeseburgers for breakfast after their night of kinky fun and games ...


INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - BAR - DAWN
The lovers sit on bar stools.

Carrie feeds Laura a White Castle
cheeseburger with her fingers.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

Pause.

CARRIE
It feels like, I don’t
know anything anymore.
If I can orgasm -- without
you even touching me --

LAURA
But I was.

CARRIE
Yeah.

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more? Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love --
I’d nuke heaven and earth.

She goes to microwave, pops a few in.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
So what’s the name of the video?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.
It was supposed to be Blade-Fucker,
but Klaus got scared that
Warner Brothers might
give him a problem.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage in your --

The microwave DINGS.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
(beat)
Set phasers to ‘stun.’ So to speak.

Carrie comes in with an
offering for her goddess.

CARRIE
I know. I’m sorry --
I -- that was stupid.

Pause.

LAURA
(very quiet)
Thanks.
(looks at the plate, then her)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to me.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small,
fragile in her big,
white terrycloth robe.
Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey, enough of that. Listen.
You deserve it. I deserve it.
We’re just people. Both of us.

Pause.

LAURA
Then -- why doesn’t it feel like it?

My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, porn star Laura Lang takes homicide detective Carrie Love to Club Fuck, where Laura deflowers Carrie and give her her first taste of the kinky arts ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
The filth-sleaze go-go of the
Thrill Kill Kult’s
DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS over --

A faceless warehouse on the
cheap end of Santa Monica Blvd.

Laura pulls Carrie
behind the velvet rope.

CLOSE ON --

Laura, an SS erotic piece of art.
Carrie, just getting her feet wet
in something too short, too tight.

LAURA
Ready to get totally depraved?

CARRIE
Yes, please.

INT. CLUB FUCK - FRONT BAR
A carnival of perversion.
The fall of Rome. Fellini, on tap.

The magic couple sip cocktails.
Hands all over each other.

CARRIE
It’s the nipple clamp version
of the Star Wars alien bar.
(beat)
I love it.

LAURA
(takes her hand)
Then c’mon, love --
let’s tighten the screws.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
The throbbing groove of
The Thrill Kill Kult’s BLUE BUDDHA.

In a hailstorm of strobes,
an earthquake of music,
Carrie and Laura shake it, grind --
delirious. Intoxicated.

CARRIE
(sings along)
Ultra flesh, is what we want --

IN MONTAGE:

ON A BANQUETTE AT THE REAR BAR/LOUNGE

they hold hands.
Laura leans over, whispers something.
Carrie ERUPTS with laughter.

IN THE 'PLAY ROOM'
The girls watch the demonstration.
A TRIBAL MASTER deftly flogs a young
ANDROGYNOUS BOY on his panty-clad privates --

AT THE FRONT BAR
Carrie and Laura order drinks.
Stare at each other.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
The women twist and shake.
Bump and grind. Slither and slide.

IN MONTAGE
An 'almost there, but not quite'
VALLEY COUPLE stare.

Two tweaky ecstasy GAY CLUB BOYS leer.
A SCARY GOTH GUY and GIRL
slide up next to them.

FROM ABOVE
The lovers do their mating dance.

IN THE BOOTH
the DJ YELLS something at the LIGHT BOY.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
a spotlight HITS the girls.
They don’t notice, entranced.

Laura takes Carrie’s neck
in her hands. KISSES her mouth.

They stop dancing.
Kiss. Devour. Melt. Merge.

And, as CAMERA starts a slow
circular pan around them --

Laura GRABS Carrie’s hair.
Pulls her head back.

Bends into her neck.
Starts sucking. Biting. Feasting.

Strobe lights EXPLODE, spinning
shards of pulsing passion.

INT. PLAYROOM - MOMENTS LATER
The scary, depraved goth-ooze of
Daniel Ash’s COMING DOWN bubbles
under the dark dankness.
Last call. Final fix.

Carrie and Laura stand stage right.
A DOMINATRIX unshackles an
underage-looking nymph
in a Girl Scout uniform.

Laura unclips a leash.
Hooks it to Carrie’s collar.

CARRIE
gulps. Part fear. Part wet.

LAURA
gives a little yank.
Pulls her up onto the stage.

Guides her over to a large
wooden cross, like a big ‘X’.

CARRIE’S EYES
flicker. Liquid. Innocent.
At least for now --

Laura places Carrie’s
left wrist on the cross.

Into a shackle. SNAPS it shut.
Then does the other.

The blonde reaches up to the
zipper at Carrie’s throat.
Slowly unzips it -- all the way down.

The glistening black vinyl flies open --
Revealing lingerie. Bare, trembling skin.
Goosebumping. Glistening.

Laura reaches down. Places
Carrie’s left ankle on the cross.

SNAPS the shackle shut.
Then the right ankle.

She stops. Takes a black leather-gloved hand,
strokes Carrie’s calf. Our heroine shudders.
Then slowly, achingly -- goes up, up Carrie’s leg.
Reaches her soft, milky thigh. Stops.

CARRIE
quivers. Bites her lip. Closes her eyes.
A tear of pleasure trickles down.

Yes.

Laura’s hand continues on it’s journey.
Reaches Carrie’s panties.

Stops.

Carrie’s hips buckle. She can’t take it.

Please.

LAURA
stands up abruptly. Boots CLOMP, CLOMP
over to a rack of instruments.
Paddle. Whip. Riding crop. Cat-o’-nine tails.
She grabs the cat-flogger. Takes a breath.

The women lock eyes. Laura smiles.
Slowly raises it. CRACKS it in the air.
Carrie reacts. Hands grip the restraints.

Laura walks over. Kisses her.
Whispers sweet naughties.
Returns to her position --

And starts making love to
her trembling slave-girl.

Gently swirls the dozen soft
deerskin straps like a flag --

And softly whacks Carrie’s tummy.
A tickle. A tease.

Carrie jerks with pleasure.
And again, crack -- on her shoulder.

Crack, on Carrie’s thigh.
She moans softly. Surprised.

Uhhh.

INT. CARRIE’S APARTMENT - LATER THAT MORNING
The fragile, subterranean croon
of David Bowie’s cover of
GOD ONLY KNOWS over --

In the bedroom, softly lit with a lone candle.
Carrie’s handcuffed to the bedposts.

In the same outfit. But the dress is gone.
Laura kneels before her on the foamy comforter.
Flogging Carrie gently. Delicately.

And on each swirling whissssk of the soft straps --
Carrie jerks with new pleasure.

Without the visual, it sounds just like lovemaking.
Because it is.

Laura’s flogging quickens. Softer. Closer. Deeper.
Carrie writhes. Moans. Starts to reach climax --

Pause.

And she HOWLS AT THE MOON. A carnal, animal bray.
SHRIEKS like a banshee virgin finally finding release.

Starts crying, sobbing from so much.
Laura THROWS the flogger to the floor.

Reaches up. Unfastens Carrie’s wrists.
Throws her arms around her.

Holds her there.
PUSH IN on their faces.

Simple. Pure. Perfect.

Cadillac Margarita

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love takes porn star Laura Lang to her favorite dive bar, where they have to deal with a leering dick who 'wants to join in' ...

EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - LATE AFTERNOON
Carrie’s vintage Porsche convertible
flies up the road along
the Santa Monica beach.
Passes a crusty DIVE BAR.

LAURA (O.S.)
Chez Jay, I love that place!
Stop the car -- stop the car!

INT. CHEZ JAY - LATE AFTERNOON
How can it be so dark
inside during the day?

And where on earth did they
find that jazz for the jukebox?

Our chicks sit on bar stools.
Grinning at the BARTENDER.

CARRIE
Can I get a Margarita, please?
Rocks, salt?

Laura slips her hand up Carrie’s skirt.

LAURA
(to the bartender)
Make it a Cadillac Margarita.
Two of them.

CARRIE
(getting hot)
What’s a Cadillac Margarita?

Laura’s hand shifts -- smile broadens.

LAURA
It’s got a shot of Gran Marnier in it.

CARRIE
You want me to -- get drunk?

A MALE VOICE interrupts.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Sounds like fun to me.

ON THE NEXT BAR STOOL
sits a puffed-up, leering SUIT
enjoying his liquid lunch.

He leans toward Laura,
insinuating himself.

DICK
Hi, I’m Dick.
You ladies together I take it?

CARRIE
Yes, we are.

LAURA
No boys allowed. Sorry.

CARRIE
(Ab Fab accent)
No sex, please -- we’re British.

This CRACKS the girls up.
The bon vivant tries again.

DICK
So, you ladies are, uh --

LAURA
Yes, love. This is my date.
(takes Carrie’s hand in hers)
Isn’t she gorgeous?

DICK
Yes she is. And so are you.

(beat)
Do you ever let anybody -- join in?

Laura sips her cocktail.
Eyes burning with mischief.

LAURA
Let me ask you something.
How would you feel if you were
on a date with your girlfriend --
and some gay guy came up to you
and asked if he could join in?
You wouldn’t like it, would you?
You’d think it was fucking rude,
wouldn’t you?

The poor guy’s wheels start spinning.
But he’s no match.

Carrie observes,
sips her drink. In awe.

DICK
Uh, yes -- of course, but --

LAURA
This is the same thing, darling.
We’re not into men.
(beat)
Just like you.

This sinks in.
He struggles for a response.

LAURA (CONT’D)
Now. I’d like you
to apologize to my date.
It’s her birthday,
and we’ve had to deal with t
his falderol, instead of --
(leans over, kisses Carrie)
Enjoying our evening together.

DICK
(turned on, embarrassed)
Hey, look -- I’m really sorry,
I didn’t mean to --

LAURA
Apology accepted.
We’re going to leave now.
My darling Carrie here
only lives a few blocks away.
So, I want you to imagine us
going back to her place --
and what I’m going to do to her.
(beat)
Silly me. You were going to
do that anyway, weren’t you?

EXT. CHEZ JAY - PARKING LOT - DUSK
Carrie and Laura walk
to the car holding hands.

CARRIE
That was awesome.
You fucking killed him.

Laura stops. GRABS her.

LAURA
I’d kill anyone that gets in our way.
(beat)
I hope you’re packing, officer --

The Last Girl On Earth

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty reveals a disturbing image of her dysfunctional family upbringing in the trailer park. Meanwhile, more than sparks fly when homicide detective Carrie Love has her first date with porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
Sparkle cruises down the nasty
boulevard, platforms clattering --
smiling beneath red heart shades.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I love cheeseburgers, pizza,
video games, movies, comic books --
and catching a buzz whenever I can.
I’m your typical American teen.
(beat)
Except for one thing.
I’m gonna be the biggest
serial killer there ever was.
(beat)
People are gonna remember me.
You betcha.

INT. PLENTY HOME - LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY
Dot shows her daughter a baton twirl.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
See, the thing was about my mom --
she like, didn’t want a daughter.
She wanted a star.
(beat)
And the money -- don’t forget the money.
She thought I was, like, her ticket
out the trailer ranch.
(beat)
How fucked up is that? 'Trailer Ranch.'
Like it’s a fucking ranch.
Raunch is more like it. In hell.
(beat)
What. Ever.

Dot hands it to Sparkle,
who gives it a whirl. She’s great.

CLOSE ON --
Sparkle’s face. Bright.
Eager. Scared shitless.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I mean, lookit me.
Is that pathetic or what?

INT. CARRIE LOVE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A Mr. Coffee DRIPS.
Carrie walks in, makes a cup.

She goes to the mini stereo,
searches through the CD’s.

Makes her choice.
Puts it on. Presses 'play.'

The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy,
Euro-croon THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH
fills the room.

Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her java.

INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie, hot in black,
checks out her reflection.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when I’d
been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.

She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Carrie changes CD’s --
ABC’S irresistible THE LOOK OF LOVE.

Big smile. She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.

Goes off somewhere to the
music, dancing, swirling --

The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.

Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --

A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight,
sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.

With five, maybe six buttoned.
And nothing else.

LAURA
(listens)
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song.

Their eyes lock.

CARRIE
(heart beating fast)
It’s -- my favorite song, too.

Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.

LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?

And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.

Laura on top, insinuating her
splendor into Carrie’s grass.

CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?

The phone BR-RINGS.

LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.

CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.

BR-RING. BR-RING.

LAURA
Godammit.

She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder. CRASH.

LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?

CARRIE
You were -- uh --

Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.

LAURA
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine --

The City Of Angels

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, police chief Larry Lipshitz addresses the media in a press conference about the Hollywood movie copycat serial killer. Meanwhile, watching it on TV is porn director Klaus Speer and his date, adult film star Laura Lang ... who also happens to be homicide detective Carrie Love's new squeeze ...


A TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST
A stiff, HANDSOME ANCHOR and
a gorgeous LATINA ANCHORWOMAN,
shellacked hair, grim frozen smile,
lean into THE CAMERA --

HANDSOME ANCHOR
We take you now to a press conference
in front of police headquarters, where --

LATINA ANCHORWOMAN
Brock Bradley is on the scene --
(dramatic pause)
Brock -- we’ve been told Larry Lipshitz,
chief detective, LA homicide --
is going to make a statement.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT
A gaggle of PRESS, ONLOOKERS and COPS
surround a podium crammed with mikes.
Larry Lipshitz takes a swig of Maalox.

BROCK BRADLEY
a vacant John Tesh on steroids
grips his mike, cocks his head,
gazes into THE CAMERA.

BROCK
That’s right, Lina. They’re
about to start any minute now --

YELLING MAN (O.S.)
Fuck you, stop pushing!
Unfair to the Guild!
Writers have rights!

HANDSOME ANCHOR
Holy homicide, Brock -- what
the heck’s goin’ on down there?

BROCK
Well, there’s a couple of
protest groups out here, Biff --
one of them’s a group
from the Writer’s Guild --
they’re saying it’s unfair to blame them,
and refer to the killings as
'cinema copycat crimes' --

LINA
And what’s the other group, Brock?

BROCK
I’m glad you asked, Lina --
protesting against Hollywood
marketing violence to children --
the Christian Unified Nation of Teachers.

The beauty spells out the
letters to herself. Gasps.

BROCK (CONT'D)
There’s Lipshitz.

BIFF
And not a moment too soon.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - CONTINUOUS
Larry tugs at his tie, loosens it.
Looks at the crowd.

LIPSHITZ
Thank you all for coming.
I know these are scary times
we’re living in, dark days
in the city of angels.

He takes out a scrap of paper,
puts on his glasses.

SARCASTIC REPORTER
'City of angels?'
Who do you think you are,
Raymond Chandler?

LIPSHITZ
Nice to see you too, Mim.
What’s the matter,
didn’t get any last night?
(to the crowd)
I’m going to read a statement.
There’ll be no questions.

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S ESTATE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Klaus lies sprawled on his
king-sized canopied bed.

Swirls, sips cognac from an
oversized snifter. Watches the telly.

KLAUS
(to someone offscreen)
The fucking police have nothing.
Nothing. Just this, this -- statement.
It’s incredible, I tell you.
The killer’s some kind of twisted genius.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Takes one to know one.

KLAUS
Flattery’ll get you -- anything you want.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
(sexy)
You’ll come in and help me douche, then?

KLAUS
Come back to bed, my little vixen --
I like your natural, animal -- scent.

He chuckles, eyes light up with mischief.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
You Germans --

Laura walks in, naughty smile --
and naughtier lingerie.

LAURA
Are such kinky, naughty little devils.

The Other White Meat

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 24 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Bernie Keko and Jesus Valentine investigate the crime scene where porn director Bruce Ball was scalded to death in a sleazy motel shower ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
At the crime scene, BERNIE
inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is
Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger
stuffed into the
cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo.
Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about well done.

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick
of rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie,
uncomprehending.

KEKO (CONT’D)
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because
I’m a fucking Mexican
we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were
different, man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European
'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer did it
in the fucking shower --

Bad Company

Happy Hump Day, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love takes a walk on the wild side at Club Fuck, where she searches for a certain porn star ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A smallish grey building deep
in the bowels of Hollywood.

A pulsing, industrial grind
bleeds outside from within.

INT. CLUB FUCK - CONTINUOUS
Carrie sits at the bar,
drowning everything. Sorrows.
Joy. Hopes. Dreams. Self-esteem.

She pours a tall shot
from a bottle of Jagermeister.
Toasts the throng. Downs it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Figures I’d get stood up.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Fucking porn star --
(pours another shot)
I once had a shrink who said
I lived in my own little world.
That I’ve lived most
of my life -- alone.
(downs it)
Well, maybe that’s because
everyone I’ve ever fucking known --
except my mom and my dog --
ended up letting me down.
Makes a girl a little finicky
about who she hangs out with.
And the way I look at it,
I’m pretty good fucking company.
(pours another)
But the thing is --
there’s just one problem.
It’s not working anymore.
(raises glass)
It seems that whenever
I try to do things my way --
it blows up in my fucking face.

And she slams it.
Grimaces. Closes her eyes.

EXT. CLUB FUCK - LATER
It’s over. Party kids
spill onto the sidewalk.

Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse,
pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
(teasing)
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Uh -- security?

LAURA
No. My date.
He finally found me.

CARRIE
(looks around)
Where’s he now?

LAURA
(evil)
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get --
your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
(squeezes)
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Long pause. There’s
no one else in the world.

LAURA
So -- aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
(melts)
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.

APPLAUSE.

They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
cheer.

Carrie looks down. Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, Miss Legs,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.

CARRIE
(whispers)
P-p-plans -- for me?