The Inside Man

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of BABY HEISTER, Doc starts teaching Kelsey how to be a heister, but first has to whip her into shape physically and sets her out on a grueling workout ...

EXT. RANCH - DIRT ROAD - DAY
The chainsaw-psychobilly
zombie-foot-stomp of Horrorpops’
THELMA AND LOUISE over --

Kelsey. Listening to the song on her I-pod.
RUNNING on the side of the road.

Pumping like a demon in the blistering heat.
Shorts and T-shirt soaked in sweat.
Fierce. Determined.

She passes a row of crops.
A big, old barn. Runs past a pond.

A guy on a tractor, who HONKS.
Hits the front drive. Runs up to Doc.

Standing on the front porch,
holding a stop watch.

She stops. Tries to catch her breath.
He hands her a canteen. Drinks greedily.
Then pours it over her head.

DOC
Not bad. Five minutes.
Pretty soon we’ll get it down to four.

KELSEY
You trying to kill me?

DOC
When the shit comes down,
you gotta be able to MOVE.
Heisting isn’t just fast cars
and big guns, girlie-girl.

KELSEY
Speaking of guns, when do I get to --

DOC
After breakfast. C’mon.
Let’s go chow down.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Kelsey and Doc sit at
the rustic, wooden table.

Jo serves them a big meal of
flapjacks, eggs, toast, bacon and sausage.

Then sits and joins them.
Kelsey starts wolfing it down.

DOC
This looks great, Jo.

KELSEY
(mouth full)
Yeah, Jo --

JO
Don’t talk with your mouth full,
Kelsey. It’s not ladylike.

KELSEY
(swallows)
Sorry.

DOC
Okay. First lesson.
Planning the heist.
(off Kelsey’s look)
Planning the job is
the most important part.
If it smells bad, you walk away.
If it looks good, then you
plan it out to the smallest detail.
(beat)
Then you assemble your team -- the string.
You only work with people
you’ve worked with before,
or people your colleagues can vouch for
cause they’ve worked with ‘em.
You NEVER work with someone
nobody knows. Ever.

JO
Except for the inside man, of course.

DOC
I was gettin’ to that.
(to Kelsey)
The inside man is someone who works
at the joint you’re gonna to knock over.
They usually come to you with the job.
Once in a blue moon you approach them,
if you’ve got something on ‘em.
(smiles)
I met Jo when she was
the inside man on a job.

KELSEY
I didn’t know that.
What was the job?

JO
Coin convention.
I was the roper on a long con
involving one of the dealers,
and then realized you could
take the whole shebang.

DOC
She noticed I was casing the joint --

PUSH IN ON Jo’s face.
Eyes dancing with delight.

JO
And the rest is history --

The Big, Bad Wolf

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Holidaze. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of BABY HEISTER, after Kelsey loses her job after killing the owner's son ... who was trying to rob the joint ... Doc reluctantly agrees to teach her how to rob banks. Meanwhile, we discover that mysterious stranger Ray Stark isn't what he appears to be ...


EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Crickets CHIRP in the background.
The wind RUSTLES through the trees.
The front yard looks ghostly in the moonlight.

Doc and Kelsey sit on the porch
with bottles of beer.

KELSEY
I keep seeing it happen over
over again in my head.

DOC
It’ll go away after awhile.
It’ll happen less and less,
just go away.
(beat)
Most of the time.

KELSEY
You ever killed someone?

DOC
Once.

KELSEY
What happened?

DOC
Fool kid tried a cross,
thought he could take the entire haul.
Was MUCH more careful about who
I worked with after that.

KELSEY
I didn’t even think.
I saw him, grabbed the gun -- and --

She sighs. Shakes her head.
Reliving it again. Sips her beer.

DOC
You know I care about you like
you were my own daughter, right?

KELSEY
I guess so.

DOC
I can’t believe I’m gonna say this --

KELSEY
What.
(realizes)
You MEAN?

DOC
Still wanna be a heister?

KELSEY
Hell, yeah.

DOC
Then I guess we better
get some shut-eye.
Tomorrow’s gonna be a big day.
Got alot to teach ya.

Kelsey LEAPS UP out of her chair.
Goes to Doc. HUGS him.

KELSEY
Ohmigod, THANK YOU, Doc. I LOVE YOU.
(beat)
OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD.

DOC
Calm down, calm down.
Heisters don’t squeal like little girls.

KELSEY
What made you change your mind?

DOC
Well, you got kicked out of
school the first day.
Fucked up your job the first day.
(beat)
But the way you handled that shotgun tonight?
Guess some things were just meant to be.

EXT. DESERT PALMS MOTEL - NIGHT
One of those old, ramshackle affairs
that were built back when
people still cared about character.

Flashing neon sign reads VACANCY.
COMPLETE COMFORT. POOL. FREE HBO.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A sea of knotty pine and desert motif.
Ray lies in bed fully-dressed
watching an old black and white movie on TV.

Smoking. Sipping a bottle of beer.
The phone RINGS. He answers it.

RAY
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. LOS ANGELES POLICE HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE - NIGHT
The small, dimly-lit office of an overworked,
underpaid robbery/homicide detective.

Piles of paperwork. File folders.
Document boxes on the floor.
Empty pizza box on a chair.

A tall, grey-haired COP leans back
in his chair, talks on the phone.

Meet DARRYL ROOKER (40’s), fit.
In shape. Looks agitated.

Head of the special
‘Hazard Family’ task force.

DARRYL
It’s Rooker. You sniff out anything?

RAY
Not yet. The old man’s real slick.
Doesn’t trust me.

DARRYL
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

RAY
But I’ve gotta way to get close.
His granddaughter is staying with him.
Griff and Chelle’s kid.
(chuckles)
Wants to be heister.

DARRYL
No shit.

RAY
Yeah. Guess the apple doesn’t
fall far from the bank job.

DARRYL
How old?

RAY
Eighteen.

DARRYL
Hot?

RAY
Smokin.’

DARRYL
Careful. Keep your dick in your --

RAY
Don’t worry. I’m not gonna fuck her.
I’m gonna USE her. Get this --
wants to be a heister,
but grandpa doesn’t wanna teach her.
I offered to.

DARRYL
Watch out. You’re playing with fire.

RAY
But I gotta get close --

DARRYL
Yeah. But not TOO close.
They smell a rat, and you’re history.
Doc Hazard is a legend.
Never been busted, and he didn’t
get that way by letting
an undercover dick get too close.

RAY
Don’t worry. I’m being careful.

DARRYL
And stay away from the granddaughter.

RAY
From your lips to God’s ears.

They hang up. Ray takes a sip of beer. Smiles.

RAY
Better watch out, little girl.
The big, bad wolf’s in town.

Breaking Bad

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of BABY HEISTER, Doc and Ray Stark watch Kelsey calmly blow away the meth kid trying to rob the convenience store with a shotgun, leaving them speechless ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Meth Kid.

Sees Doc and Ray.
Starts waving the gun around.

METH KID
Everybody ON THE FLOOR.
This is a ROBBERY.

Doc and Ray raise their hands.

RAY
Okay, okay.
Just don’t hurt anybody --

METH KID
I said DOWN ON THE FLOOR, NOW.
DO IT. DO IT. NOW.

DOC
Easy now --

Doc and Ray start
to get down -- and BANG.

Meth Kid’s head
EXPLODES IN A RED MIST.
Blood and brains SPRAY the ATM.

KELSEY
Stands behind the counter.
Holding the shotgun. Surprised.

Quivering with adrenaline.
Staring at the body. In shock.

KELSEY
(whispers)
Holy shit.

DOC
You okay?

KELSEY
Okay?

RAY
She’s a natural.

DOC
Shut up.

The door JINGLES.
In walks a SHERIFF’S DEPUTY.

(20’s), young, eager,
a buzz-cut local kid.
The polar opposite of Meth.

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
(sees the body)
What the HELL?

DOC
Officer. That man was
trying to rob the store.
(nods at Kelsey)
And Kelsey here stopped him.

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
Well done, little lady.
(bends over, looks at the body)
Well, I’ll be.
That’s Verne’s kid.

KELSEY
The OWNER?

DOC
What the hell?

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
Yeah.
Verne reported him
missing a few days ago.
Was on another binge.
(shakes his head)
Breaking Bad again --

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of BABY HEISTER, Doc visits convenience store where Kelsey is now working and is incensed to find interloper Ray Stark chatting her up, but the drama gets interrupted by a young kid hopped up on meth waving a gun around trying to rob the joint ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORY - DAY
The bell JINGLES. In walks Ray.
He sees Kelsey. Big grin.

RAY
Well, what have we got here?

KELSEY
Hey.

RAY
They let you smoke in here?

KELSEY
What does it look like?

He shakes his head.
Goes to the cooler.

Pulls out a twelve-pack of cheap beer.
Grabs some Slim Jims.

Brings them over to the counter.
Kelsey starts ringing them up.

RAY
You like working here?

KELSEY
What do YOU think?

RAY
Guess beggars can’t be choosers.

KELSEY
(looks at the register)
That’ll be twelve-fifty-three.

RAY
(hands her a bill)
Do any more thinking about my offer?

KELSEY
(takes it, counts out his change)
Doc told me to stay away from you.
Says you can’t be trusted.

RAY
You always do everything
Doc tells you?

She stares at him.
Narrows her eyes.

KELSEY
Depends.

RAY
Ever shot a gun?
(off her blank stare)
Wanna learn?

KELSEY
(faint smile)
Hell, yeah --

RAY
What time you get off work?

KELSEY
Midnight.

The bell JINGLES. In walks Doc.

DOC
Thought I’d come by and see how --
(sees Ray)
I thought I told you to
STAY AWAY FROM HER.

RAY
Hey.
I was just getting some beer.
I didn’t know she was --

DOC
Get the fuck out of here.
If I see you sniffin’
around her again,
there’ll be HELL to pay.
You HEAR me?

OUTSIDE IN THE PARKING LOT
A shitty, beat-up puke green
Dodge Dart Swinger
ROARS into the lot.
SCREECHES to a stop.

IN THE CAR
Sits a jittery young
LOCAL KID (17),
all hopped up on meth.

Been up for days.
He pulls out a snifter.

SNORTS a bump. Then another.
Finishes a can of beer. CRUMPLES it.

Pulls out a small, shitty GUN.
Reaches up under his cowboy hat.
Pulls down a stocking over his face.

IN THE STORE
Doc gets in Ray’s face.

RAY
What are you gonna do,
old man? Hit me?

DOC
I tried asking you nicely.

The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Meth Kid.

Sees Doc and Ray.
Starts waving the gun around.

METH KID
Everybody ON THE FLOOR.
This is a ROBBERY --

The Big Bite

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey starts her new job at the local gas station convenience store, but first has to fend off the advances of the owner ... and then the mysterious stranger Ray Stark she met at her parents' funeral ...


EXT. GAS STATION - CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A local filling station
just off the freeway.

Been around forever, and looks it.
But the Stop N’ Gulp
next to it is a fairly new.

A sign reads
TWO FOR ONE BURRITOS.

Doc’s pickup drives in.
Parks in space right in front.

Kelsey gets out. Looks at it
with disgust. Walks in.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Some sappy country-and-western song plays
on an ancient boom box behind the counter.

The usual rows of junk food.
Beer and soda behind glass cases.

Slurpee machine. Tiny, shitty
microwave for heating up shit.
A small fan pushes around the fetid air.

Sitting behind the counter is
VERNE (60’s), the manager.

Good ol’ boy from Louisiana.
Round, pleasant face. Big gut.

Right now he’s reading
a girlie magazine.
Eyes filled with lust.

A bell on the door JINGLES.
Kelsey walks in.

Walks up to the counter.
Leans against it.
Lowers her shades.

KELSEY
I’m here about the job.

Verne looks up. Holy shit.
He stares at her chest.

VERNE
Ever work in a convenience store?

KELSEY
Nope.

VERNE
Ever work a register?

KELSEY
I can learn.
How hard can it be?

VERNE
You’re hired.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Kelsey sits behind the counter.
Verne stands nearby
showing her the ropes.

Beyond excited.
Pointing out stuff.

VERNE
Now over there’s the baseball bat,
an over there’s the shotgun.

KELSEY
A SHOTGUN? Nice.

VERNE
You know how to handle one?

KELSEY
Of course.

VERNE
And remember, you don’t know
the combination to the safe.

KELSEY
You didn’t give it to me.

VERNE
I mean, in case someone
tries to rob you.

Kelsey nods. Blank stare.

VERNE
Well, that’s about it.
I’m gonna go to the bank,
make a deposit.
(meaningfully)
I’ll come back and
check on you later.

KELSEY
Gee. Can’t wait.

VERNE
I was thinkin’ --
when your shift ends,
how bout you and I
gettin’ a bite to eat?

KELSEY
Oh, gosh. I can’t.
I’m busy. Sorry.

VERNE
Another time. See ya later.

He tips his cap.
Walks out the door.

The bell over the door
JINGLES as he leaves.

Kelsey sighs.
Lights up a smoke.

KELSEY
Thank fucking GOD.
(imitates him)
'How bout you and I
gettin’ a bite to eat?'
In your dreams, fat ass.

The bell JINGLES. In walks Ray.
He sees Kelsey. Big grin.

RAY
Well, what have we got here?

Crazy As A Fox

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of BABY HEISTER, after Kelsey gets expelled from school for beating the shit out of the jock bully that fucked with her, Doc puts his foot down and insists she get a job ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Doc stares at Kelsey.
Pointing at her. Livid.
Beyond upset.

DOC
God-DAMMIT, Kelsey.
How could you get expelled
ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL?

KELSEY
I told you.
It was self-defense.

DOC
You broke the kid’s NOSE.

KELSEY
He shoved me UP AGAINST A WALL.
Called me a CUNT.

DOC
Then you cursed out THE PRINCIPAL.
What the fuck, Kelsey?
What were you THINKING?

KELSEY
I told you.
I don’t WANNA go to school.
I don’t BELONG there.
I wanna be a HEISTER.

DOC
We’ve already discussed this.

KELSEY
If YOU won’t teach me,
I found someone who WILL.

DOC
Oh?
And who is that?

KELSEY
Ray Stark, that guy at the wake.
Saw him again at
The Lounge last night.
Nice guy.
Offered to help me out.

DOC
I don’t trust him.
There’s something fishy about him.
Nobody at the funeral knew him.
I want you to stay away.

KELSEY
What if I say no?

DOC
If you’re gonna live in MY house,
you stay away from him --
and get a JOB.

KELSEY
A JOB?

DOC
Well, if you’re not
gonna go to school,
you’re gonna have
do SOMETHING.

KELSEY
What kinda job
can I get around HERE?

DOC
Drove by The Stop N’ Gulp today.
Saw a Help Wanted sign.

KELSEY
The Stop N’ Gulp?
Are you fucking CRAZY?

DOC
Crazy as a fox, Kelsey.
(beat)
Crazy as a fox --

School Daze

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of BABY HEISTER, things get more than a little violent when wannabe bank robber Kelsey Hazard faces off with the school bully ...


INT. HIGH SCHOOL CORRIDOR - DAY
Kelsey walks down the corridor
weaving in and out of
the stream of students.

Johnny Rodman and his HULKING FRIEND
appear in front of her. He SHOVES her.

JOHNNY
What the FUCK were you trying to pull?
Do you know who the FUCK I am?

KELSEY
(calm, cool)
Judging by your limited brain power,
your attire -- and the fact
that you’re a rude fuck,
I’d say you’re REALLY popular,
maybe even the football captain.

JOHNNY
Uh, yeah --

KELSEY
So let’s make a deal.
You stay the FUCK outta my face,
and I won’t fuck with yours.

HULKING BRUISER
Are you gonna let her
GET AWAY with that?

A small crowd of students
starts forming around them.

JOHNNY
WHAT did you say to me?

KELSEY
You heard me.

Johnny GRABS her.
SHOVES her up against a locker.

JOHNNY
NOBODY talks to me like that,
you fucking CUNT. GOT IT?

Kelsey sighs. Shakes her head sadly.

KELSEY
I warned you --

She grabs his hands, THROWS them off her --
then, almost faster than you can see,
she RABBIT-PUNCHES him in the face, SMACK.

He weaves a little.
Blood starts GUSHING out his nose.

JOHNNY

Uh --
Kelsey then POUNDS him in the stomach
with a left, then a right.

He DOUBLES OVER in pain.
She reaches over.

GRABS his hair.
Lifts his head.
Looks him in the eye --

KELSEY
Hold on. Not quite done yet.

And KNEES him in the crotch.
He SQUEALS like an animal.

DROPS TO HIS KNEES. Kelsey turns.
Looks at his friend.

KELSEY
You want some?

HULKING BRUISER
Uh, no -- no.
(sees something)
Shit.

Just then THE PRINCIPAL (40’s) appears.
A really big fella.

Beyond pissed off.
Face beet-red with suburban indignation.

PRINCIPAL
What’s going ON here?

KELSEY
What does it look like?
He was fucking with me,
so I fucked with him.

PRINCIPAL
There is NO FIGHTING in MY SCHOOL.
I want to see both of you
in my office, RIGHT NOW.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Class dismissed --

Dream Catcher

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of BABY HEISTER, wannabe bank robber Kelsey Hazard attends her first day of high school at her new school, and runs afoul of a 'popular kid' bully ...


EXT. CHAPARRAL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
Blinding bright sunlight.
Gorgeous mountains in the background.

A quaint, Spanish mission-style
building on well-tended grounds.
The exact opposite of ‘urban.’

STUDENTS stream into the building,
excited, chattering with each other
on the first day of the new school year.

They’re mostly fresh-scrubbed
crunchy-granola types.

Kelsey appears at end of the walkway.
Looks out of place in her motorcycle jacket,
black jeans and boots.

She sighs. Stomps out her smoke.
Starts walking toward the building.

INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
A bright, nicely appointed
classroom filled with kids.

WELCOME BACK is written on
the green blackboard in white chalk
in perfect cursive lettering. An omen.

MRS. POTTS (50’s), the teacher,
is a plump earth mother of the desert.

And she’s got the Native American
jewelry to prove it.

Not to mention the
‘dream catcher’ earrings.

MRS. POTTS
Good MORNING, class.
Welcome back to Chaparral High.
I know you’re all really excited
to be back for your senior year --

The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Kelsey. Sullen.

Still wearing her shades.
She walks over.
Hands Mrs. Potts a slip of paper.

MRS. POTTS
(reads it)
Ah, yes --
(to the class)
Everyone, this is Kelsey Hazard.
She’s just transferred
here from Venice Beach.
I hope you’ll all make her
feel real welcome.
(to Kelsey)
Why don’t you find a desk
and make yourself comfortable, Kelsey.

She nods. Starts walking toward
the back of the classroom.

A PAIR OF JOCKS
Watch her. Whisper to each other. Snickering.
One of them sticks his leg out to trip her.

KELSEY
Sees it out of the corner of her eye.
Approaches his desk.

STEPS on his foot with her
steel-toed boot. LINGERS a moment.

RED-FACED JOCK
OW.

KELSEY
Whoops. Sorry.
You should be more careful.
Someone could get HURT.

She PRESSES her full weight down,
steps off, and walks to an empty desk.

Sits. Smirking. Mrs. Potts sees this.
Gets upset.

MRS. POTTS
Johnny Rodman.
Is that any way to greet a new student?
Shame on you. Apologize to Kelsey, RIGHT NOW.

JOHNNY
(sarcastic)
Sorry, Kelsey.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Not half as sorry as you’re gonna be
if you fuck with me again.

MRS. POTTS
What was that, Kelsey? I didn’t hear you.

KELSEY
I SAID -- not half as sorry as you’re
gonna be if you FUCK with me again.
(beat)
He tried to fucking TRIP me.
What kinda bullshit is that?

MRS. POTTS
I don’t know what kind of language
you got away with at Venice High,
but NOBODY talks like that in
MY classroom. Do you understand?

Kelsey nods. Gives her a salute.

KELSEY
Won’t happen again.
(whispers)
Bitch.

A couple of BLAND-LOOKING CHEERLEADER TYPES
lean over. Whisper to each other.
Sniff disapprovingly.

MRS. POTTS
Very well.
(takes a breath)
Okay. Homework assignment.
I’d like you all to write an essay tonight
about what you did on your summer vacation.
And then tomorrow you’ll read them aloud
in front of the class.
(beat)
Doesn’t that sound like FUN?

Have Robbery, Will Travel

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey goes to a local dive bar where she meets interloper Ray Stark, who offers to show her the bank robbing ropes ...


EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
The house and the yard look spooky.
Ethereal in the moonlight.

A harsh desert wind
whips through the yard.

The front door OPENS.
Out comes Kelsey.

Rakish in her usual uniform.
This time with a slash of red
on her mouth.

She walks over to Doc’s pickup truck.
Gets in. Drives off.

EXT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
The kinda joint only
the locals hang out at.

A row of motorcycles gleam
ominously under the dirty,
old neon sign that reads LOUNGE.
Faint music bleeds out from within.

Doc’s pickup pulls in.
Finds a space. Kelsey gets out.

SLAMS the door.
Saunters toward the entrance.

INT. DIVE BAR - NIGHT
Dark and smoky.
The kinda place your momma
warned you about.

BLUE COLLAR WORKERS, BIKERS
and other assorted riffraff.

A pair of BRUISERS play pool.
Kinda quiet on a Sunday night.

Kelsey sidles up to the bar.
Slides onto a stool.

The FREAKISHLY LARGE BARTENDER
spies her. Comes over.
Smiles. Not a pretty sight.

FREAKISHLY LARGE BARTENDER
Whataya have?

KELSEY
Double shot of Kessler’s.
Heinekin back.

He nods. Turns to get her poison.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
I figured you’d be more of a
Jack and Bud kinda gal.

Kelsey, turns, sees --

RAY STARK
Sitting on the stool next to her.
Nursing a tumbler of scotch.

Eyes twinkling with mischief.
Or danger. Maybe both.

KELSEY
You’re the guy from the wake.

Freakishly Large serves her drink.
She slide over a bill.

He SNAPS it up in a meaty paw.
Lumbers over to the register.

RAY
The guy from the wake. Wow.
Nice to know I’m that memorable.

KELSEY
So I forgot your name.
Well, I’m SORRY, but when you
just went to your parents’ FUNERAL,
sometimes your MEMORY’S not so GOOD.

She grabs her shot glass.
POUNDS it. Grabs her beer.

Takes a big gulp. Turns around,
facing the other direction.

RAY
Hey, I’m sorry.
I was just busting your chops.
You had a stressful day.
Probably met a lot of corny,
old colorful criminal types.
I’d be cranky, too.

Kelsey turns back.
Narrows her eyes.
Is this guy for real?

RAY
Let me buy you a round.
Make it up to you.
No hard feelings?
(raises his drink, low)
One heister to another --

Her eyes flicker.

KELSEY
Okay.
(trying to be casual)
So you used to work with my parents?

Ray motions to the bartender
for another round.

Pulls out a pack of smokes.
Lights one up with a CLICK
of his Zippo.

RAY
Long time ago.
When they were first starting out.
Did a couple jobs with them.

KELSEY
Wow. Cool.

RAY
First and only time I worked
with a married couple --

KELSEY
What were they like to work with?

RAY
Total pros. Cool as cucumbers.
(sips his drink)
Is it true they never got caught --
until the last job?

KELSEY
Yeah. My grandfather, too.
(sips her beer)
He’s retired now.
But I guess you knew that.

RAY
(nods)
So I guess you’re now living with him --

KELSEY
Yeah. And it fucking sucks.
I asked him to teach me, but he refused.
He’s making me finish school.
I’d rather fucking DIE.

Ray’s eyes flicker.
He takes a long sip of his cocktail.

Takes a drag of his cigarette.
Squints through the smoke.

RAY
Maybe one of these days
I could show you a thing or two.

KELSEY
You mean it?

RAY
From where I sit, it looks like
you’ve already got your mind made up --
and nothing’s gonna stop you.

Kelsey smiles.
It lights up her face
like we haven’t seen.

KELSEY
Damn straight.
(beat)
Thanks, uh --

RAY
Ray Stark, at your service.
(beat)
Have robbery, will travel.

Illegal Guardian

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday the 13th. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey tries to get her grandfather to teach her how to rob banks, but he refuses, despite her pleadings to work in 'the family business' ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Doc sits in ‘his chair.’
Kelsey sits on the couch,
next to Jo, asleep.

They’re watching a movie
on TV, eating popcorn.

ON THE SCREEN
We see a scene from
Stanley Kubrick’s THE KILLING.

A gang of MASKED THUGS
are robbing a race track.

Then, a station break.

Some LOCAL CAR SALESMAN comes on,
hawking prices 'nobody can beat.'

KELSEY
Looks at Doc.

KELSEY
So how come you don’t want me
to be in the family business?

DOC
It’s a hard life, Kelsey.
It’s no place for a young woman.

KELSEY
But what if it’s what I wanna DO?
(off his look)
Nothing you can say is
gonna make me change my mind.

DOC
Oh, is that right?
What about what happened
to your parents?

KELSEY
They were careless.
I’ll be smart.
It’s in my blood, Doc. My DNA.
If I had to be cooped up in
an office doing some meaningless shit,
I’d fucking shoot myself.

DOC
You think it’s noble, cool --
like in those books you read.
But it’s not. It’s a living hell.
I still have to watch my back.
Even though I'm retired,
there's always a chance
someone will turn up
from the past and cause trouble.
Someone who thinks
they got a raw deal --
or wants to steal my stake.
And then there's the law.
Any day now some cop
could come snooping around --
and I’ve gotta live with
that the rest of my life,
always looking over my shoulder.

KELSEY
But if you did it and my
PARENTS did it, why can’t --

DOC
Because I’m your legal guardian now,
and while you’re living in MY HOUSE,
you’re gonna go back to
school and get your degree.
Tomorrow morning Jo is
taking you to school
and get you registered.
I want you to have the chance
that none of us had. GOT it?

KELSEY
But I don’t wanna DO that.
It’s not FAIR.

DOC
FAIR? LIFE isn’t fair.
Griff and Chelle are DEAD.
Is THAT fair?
(looks at the TV)
Now hush up.
Movie’s coming back on.

Kelsey scowls.
Face a dark cloud.

Death Proof

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey, Doc and Jo and a motley crew of bank robbing 'co-workers' attend Griff and Chelle's funeral. Then moments later at the wake, Doc meets Ray Stark, a shady-looking stranger who claims to have 'worked' with them ...


EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Very old. Some graves and
crypts overrun with vines.

A pair of BLACKBIRDS
sit on a tombstone, watching --

A FUNERAL in progress.
A cluster of MOURNERS DRESSED IN BLACK
surround a pair of freshly-dug graves.

Twin high-end CASKETS sit inside them.
Piled with bouquets of flowers.

Jo holds onto Doc, stoic, both
dressed in their Sunday finest.

Kelsey stands next to them.
Looks out of place in black leather,
denim and mirrored shades. Smoking.

The MINISTER (50’a)
stands near the casket.

More than a few of the MOURNERS
look a little shady.

That’s because they are,
being Hazard family coworkers.

CAMERA
Finds one of them,
standing off to the side.

Tall and dark. Like Kelsey,
wearing a black motorcycle jacket
and shades.

Meet RAY STARK (35).
Think a RESERVOIR DOGS-era Michael Madson.

Tough-looking, with that air of danger.
He lights a cigarette with a
CLICK of his Zippo.
Blows a cloud of smoke.

KELSEY
Turns her head. Looks at him.
Then back at the caskets.

CLOSE ON --
Her face. A tear slides down her cheek.

EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY
The joint is filled with MOURNERS
from the funeral.

But now the mood is different.
It’s a traditional wake. They’re
laughing, drinking, reminiscing.

Jo walks around with a tray,
passing out snacks.

Doc stands behind the bar making drinks.
Ray slides up to the bar.

Lights up a smoke.
Looks at the crowd. Then at Doc.

RAY
Pretty good turnout.

DOC
I don’t think we’ve met.

RAY
(puts out his hand)
Ray Stark. You must be Doc.

DOC
(takes it, shakes)
What are you having?

RAY
What kinda scotch you got?

DOC
Johnny Walker Blue.

RAY
(nods)
Neat.

Doc nods. Turns, gets the bottle,
a glass, pours one.

Hands it to him. Ray takes it.
Takes a sip. Nods. Winces.

DOC
How did you know Griff and Chelle?

RAY
Worked together a couple of times.

DOC
Funny. Don’t remember
ever hearing your name.

RAY
It was awhile ago --

DOC
I’ve got a pretty good memory.

Kelsey sidles up to the bar
with an empty beer bottle.

KELSEY
Can I get another?

Doc nods. Grabs a bottle.
POPS it open. Hands it to her.

She takes a long slug.
Wipes her mouth with her sleeve.

RAY
You must be Griff and Chelle’s daughter.

KELSEY
Who wants to know?

DOC
This here’s Ray Stark.
Says he used to work with your parents.

KELSEY
You’re a HEISTER?

Ray makes a keep it down
motion with his hand.

RAY
Careful. You don’t know
who might be snooping around.

KELSEY
Sorry.
(low)
What was it like
to work with my parents?

JO (O.C.)
Kelsey? Could you come help me?
I need to make some more
pigs in a blanket.

Reveal JO.
Standing nearby with an empty tray.
Kelsey sighs. Looks at Ray.
Then Doc, who gives her a look.

KELSEY
Sure thing.

She finishes her beer.
Puts the bottle on the bar.

Follows Jo toward the house.
Ray watches her go.

RAY
That’s quite a fine filly.

DOC
She’s eighteen.

Ray smiles secretively.
Sips his scotch. Eyes flicker.

RAY
Looks more like her mom
than her dad, don’tcha think?

DOC
You stay away from her. Hear me?

RAY
Hold on there, cowboy.
If I didn’t know better,
I’d think you were threatening me.

DOC
Now you’re catching on.

Me Rob You Long Time

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Veteran's Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of BABY HEISTER, a Japanese Yakuza gang interrupts Griff and Chelle's bank robbery, killing them as they take off with the loot. Meanwhile, Kelsey's grandmother Jo gets a phone call giving her the bad news about Kelsey's parents' death, exposing the big family secret ...


EXT. BANK - DAY
A JAPANESE GANG ON MOTORCYCLES drives by,
bikes dripping with stolen loot.

They SCREECH to a halt.
Turn their heads.

JAPANESE GANG LEADER
Sees what’s happening.
Turns to his Second-In-Command.

JAPANESE GANG LEADER
Looks like our lucky day.

SECOND-IN-COMMAND
Me rob you long time.

They pull out AUTOMATIC WEAPONS
strapped to their backs.

HIT THE GAS and
ROAR TOWARD THE BANK.

INT. BANK - NIGHT
Just as Griff walks
Bank Manager past Chelle,
the gang SQUEALS into the bank
and starts FIRING at everybody.

Griff and Bank Manager get
SHREDDED TO RIBBONS.

Atlas and Zvi RUN.
Chelle gets HIT
with MACHINE GUN SPRAY.

Her body JERKS like a puppet
in a dance of death.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
Doc, Jo and Kelsey sit
at the kitchen table,
the remains of dinner strewn about.
Having pie and coffee.

KELSEY
You can deny it all you want,
but I know the truth.
I found your scrapbook.

DOC
What scrapbook?

KELSEY
The one under your mattress.

DOC
What were you doing SNOOPING
around in my bedroom?

KELSEY
I was looking for your stash.
I hadn’t found a connection yet.
(big smile)
You were quite the heister.

Doc stares. Speechless.
The phone RINGS. Jo gets up.

JO
I’ll get it.
(answers it, listens)
Oh my god.
(turns and looks)
Doc?

DOC
What’s wrong?

JO
Griff and Chelle --

KELSEY
(turns white)
What.

JO
They’re dead.
(looks at Kelsey)
They were -- trying to rob a bank.

Rockets Red Glare

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of BABY HEISTER, wannabe bank robber Kelsey Hazard and her grandfather Doc sit down to dinner at their farmhouse. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Kelsey, her parents Griff and Chelle set off a series of explosions in downtown LA as a smokescreen to distract the cops from their real goal ... to rob a bank ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DUSK
Right out of Norman Rockwell.
Enough knickknacks and quaint furnishings
choke Martha Stewart.

Doc and Kelsey sit at the table
waiting for dinner to be served.

DOC
You do any more thinking
about going back to school?

KELSEY
Why the fuck would I do that?

DOC
Not having a diploma kinda limits
the kinda jobs you can get.

KELSEY
Not if I’m gonna be a heister.

DOC
A heister? Where on earth did you --

Doc’s wife JO (60) approaches the table
with a big tray of food.

Once a great beauty, now a bit faded,
but still tough, with the twinkling eyes
of a con artist. Which she was.

JO
Dinner’s served.

She sets it down. Sits.
Doc and Kelsey help themselves.

DOC
Thanks, honey. This looks great.

JO
So how was your day, Kelsey?

KELSEY
Okay, I guess.

DOC
Kelsey’s thinking about
taking up a life of crime.

JO
Is that so.

KELSEY
If it’s good enough for Griff and
Chelle --

DOC
Now where did you get that idea?
Your parents are in sales.

KELSEY
(snorts)
Yeah, GUN sales.

EXT. DOWNTOWN CITY STREET - DUSK
The armored car stops at a red light.

EXT. AERIAL VIEW OF LOS ANGELES - DUSK
All the lights in the city SHUT OFF.

INT. ARMORED CAR - DUSK
Zvi looks up from his laptop.
Smiles eagerly.

ZVI
Let there be DARK.

IN THE FRONT
Griff looks out the window.
Sees the lights are out.

GRIFF
(into his headset)
Copy that, Eagle.
(to Gino)
Better get a move on.
Traffic’s about to clusterfuck.

Gino nods. STEPS on it.
They LURCH into the intersection.

IN THE BACK
Chelle nods at Zvi.

CHELLE
Commence phases two, three and four.

ZVI
Rockets red glare, coming right up.

His fingers start FLYING across the keyboard.

EXT. UNION STATION - DUSK
A giant EXPLOSION on the front lawn.
A GIANT CLOUD OF BLACK SMOKE
envelopes the building.
Pedestrians RUN, screaming.

INT. UNION STATION - CONTINUOUS
People inside SCREAM. DUCK for cover.

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DUSK
Complete bedlam. Officers answer phones.
Work computers.

Trying to get control
of the situation.

FRONT DESK OFFICER
(on the phone)
I don’t KNOW if it’s connected.
Just send units to Union Station, NOW.

IN THE ARMORED CAR
Zvi looks at Chelle. Gives a thumbs up.

ZVI
Go Metro GONE.

EXT. CITY HALL - DUSK
An enormous EXPLOSION rocks
the front of the building.

A GIANT CLOUD OF BLACK SMOKE
starts enveloping the area.

ZVI (O.C.)
Just fought City Hall --

EXT. STAPLES CENTER - DUSK
A HUGE EXPLOSION rocks the front
of the building with a
GIANT CLOUD OF BLACK SMOKE.
Pedestrians RUN and SCREAM.

ZVI (O.C.)
Swish.

IN THE ARMORED CAR
Zvi looks at Chelle. Smiles.

ZVI
We have a trifecta.

EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - CITY STREET - NIGHT
There’s a RIOT going on. Complete mayhem.
LOOTERS smash windows.

RUN down the street with stolen goods.
A GANG-BANGER throws a MOLOTOV COCKTAIL
at a police car. It EXPLODES.

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
The armored car turns a corner.

IN THE ARMORED CAR
Griff speaks into his headset.

GRIFF
Eagle, this is Houston.
Prepare for impact. Over.

IN THE REAR
Chelle nods. Speaks into her headset.

CHELLE
Copy that. Over.
(to the rest)
Buckle up. It’s gonna be a bumpy heist.

Everyone SNAPS on shoulder harnesses
that crisscross their torsos.

Pull their caps down over their faces
until they become ski masks.
One by one, they give a thumbs up.

EXT. BANK - NIGHT
The First National Bank of California.
A beautiful building.

Facade is two stories of
shiny glass and mirrors.

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
The armored car pulls up in front of the bank,
looks like it’s going to park,
but instead makes a turn, BUMPS over the curb --
ACCELERATES -- and starts HEADING RIGHT TOWARD IT.

IN THE FRONT
Gino and Griff slip on MOTORCYCLE HELMETS.

IN THE BACK
Everyone BRACES for the impact.

EXT. BANK - NIGHT
The armored car reaches the facade, and --
IN SLOW MOTION -- CRASHES THROUGH with a BANG.
Glass and debris go FLYING.

INT. BANK - NIGHT
BANK CUSTOMERS RUN for cover. SCREAM.
The armored car stops.

The doors FLY OPEN.
Everyone PILES OUT.
Gripping automatic weapons.

Griff blasts a SPRAY OF BULLETS
at the ceiling.

GRIFF
This is a ROBBERY.
Do WHAT WE SAY -- and NOBODY GETS HURT.
(looks around)
Got it?

Everyone nods, terrified.
Chelle spins around in a slow circle,
aiming her Uzi at them.

CHELLE
Everyone down on the ground, NOW.

ZVI
Sits down at a loan officer’s desk.
Flips open his laptop.

The emergency generator kicks in.
The lights TURN ON --

ZVI
That didn’t take TOO long.
(fingers work the keyboard)
Sorry, Charlie. Only the real tuna
gets to be star-fucked.

And the power SHUTS DOWN.

ATLAS
Approaches the teller windows,
pointing his Uzi with one hand.

Duffle bag in the other.
Evil smile behind the mask.

He THROWS the bag at a
SCARED SHITLESS FEMALE TELLER.

ATLAS
No tricks, no dye-packs,
or you’ll DIE. GOT IT?
(of her terrified nod)
In the bag there’s more bags.
Give ‘em to the other tellers --
and start EMPTYING THE DRAWERS.

GRIFF
Waves his Uzi across everyone on the floor.

GRIFF
Which one of you is the manager?

A SHORT GUY WEARING A SUIT AND GLASSES
raises his hand.

SHORT GUY IN SUIT AND GLASSES
I am.

GRIFF
Let’s go take a trip to the vault --

Magic Hour

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of BABY HEISTER, we meet 18-year-old gorgeous tomboy Kelsey Hazard, who's floating on an inner tube on a lake reading a crime novel and smoking a joint. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to her, her parents Griff and Chelle are about to rob a bank ...


EXT. RANCH - DUSK
It’s magic hour in the desert.
The mid-summer heat shimmers
in rippling waves in the air.
The crops. The blacktop road.

A small ranch in a green valley.
Giant mountains behind it.
Can you say incredible view?

Old, Spanish mission style house.
Big barn. Rustic pickup truck
parked in the drive.

In the distance, a deep blue lake
glows in the fading light.

It’s picture-postcard time, folks.
Doesn’t get much more gorgeous
and idyllic than this.

EXT. LAKE - DUSK
A young WOMAN (18) lies on
an inner tube reading a book,
lazily floating on the water.

She takes a hit from a joint.
Holds it in. EXHALES.
Turns the page. Riveted.

Meet KELSEY HAZARD, tomboy deluxe.
Pretty, but she’s done everything
she can to hide it.

Her long, sleek black hair
tied tight in a ponytail.
Baseball cap. Shades. Bare lips.

The problem is the tiny bikini
she’s almost wearing.

Her killer figure undulates
around her tall, lean frame. Ouch.

A TALL, OLDER GUY (60) walks out
on the rickety wooden pier.

Meet DOC HAZARD, her grandfather.
Looks like your typical old cowboy.

Except for the Grateful Dead
T-shirt and biker boots.

DOC
Supper’s almost ready.

KELSEY
(eyes on the book)
Be right there.
Just let me finish this chapter.

DOC
(under his breath)
Goddamn crime novels.
If she’d only be as interested
in her school books --

EXT. LOS ANGELES - TEN FREEWAY - DUSK
Clogged with rush hour traffic
heading west toward the beach.

But not so much heading east
into downtown LA.

We see an ARMORED CAR heading
that way in sparse traffic.

It reaches an off ramp, turns,
then starts descending into
the dirty City of Angels.

INT. ARMORED CAR - DUSK
Behind the wheel sits GINO CONTI (30’s).
Wiry. Dark-haired. Dark-skinned.

He smiles, chewing on a toothpick.
Turns and looks at the
HULKING BRUTE sitting
in the passenger seat.

GINO
Look at that sky. Beautiful.
In the cinema they call it
'magic hour.'

GUY
In my book,
they call it 'money hour.'

Meet GRIFF HAZARD (40),
heister extraordinaire.

Built like a block of granite.
Face like a potato.

Eyes burning with purpose. Intense.
Mouth a cruel dark slash.

GINO
You wrote book?
What is it about?

Griff stares ahead. Silent.
Watching the road.

IN THE REAR COMPARTMENT
Sits CHELLE HAZARD (39), Griff’s wife.
A gorgeous brunette.

Curvy goblet of sin poured
into a leather catsuit.

Armed to the gills. Packing, too.
She speaks into a headset.

CHELLE
Come in, Houston.
This is The Eagle.
Are we cleared for landing?
Over.

GRIFF’S
Eyes flicker.
Approach a smile.
Don’t quite make it.

GRIFF
(into his headset)
This is Houston.
Approaching our target in --
(looks at his watch)
T-minus two minutes. Over.

CHELLE
Smiles grimly. Nods.

CHELLE
Copy that, Houston. Over.

Sitting to her left is HELMUT WOLF (40’s),
expert marksman, German expat.
Dolph Lundgren, without the looks.

HELMUT
I still don’t like space travel names.
Is too silly.

CHELLE
That’s funny. I don’t remember
asking your opinion.

Sitting to her right is ATLAS DEMO (30’s),
medium-height, barrel-chested.
Jet-black hair.
Third generation Greek.

ATLAS
Don’t listen to him.
It’s fucking genius.
Anybody hears us,
they don’t know what the fuck
we’re talking about.

ZVI ROZEN (20’s), Israeli computer
hacker extraordinaire.

Hunched over an old-school
briefcase-sized laptop. Looks up.

ZVI
(to Helmut)
You just have chip on shoulder
because you came in job late
because someone dropped out.
You should be GRATEFUL,
not ruining vibe.

CHELLE
Enough bickering.
We need to work as a team,
GOT IT?

Helmut and Zvi glare at each other.
Reluctantly nod.

Zvi returns to his laptop.
Starts briskly typing out commands.

CHELLE
(to Zvi)
All set with the power grid?

ZVI
(smiles, gives a thumbs-up)
Like taking electricity from a baby --

Only Women Bleed

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of THE DISH, it's a fight to the death when Jett returns to the sleazy motel room, only to discover Haven angrily burning the cash in the fireplace ... while they get surrounded by the cops ...


INT. MOTOR COURT - BUNGALOW - MOMENTS LATER
Haven sits on the floor in front
of the fireplace in bra and panties.
Laughing. Crying. Makeup smeared. Hair a mess.

She’s THROWING fistfuls
of money into the flames.

Jett walks in.
Puts down the bag. Sees Haven.

JETT
What are you DOING?

Haven ignores her.
Tosses in another handful of bills.

JETT
(races over)
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Jett tries to grab money
out of the flames, GETS BURNED.

JETT
OW, FUCK!

HAVEN
Careful, it’s hot.

Jett SLAPS Haven.
She looks at Jett, wild-eyed. Grimacing.

HAVEN
Your BOYFRIEND came to visit
while you were gone.

JETT
My boyfriend? What boyfriend?
I don’t have a fucking BOYFRIEND.
(small voice)
I’ve got -- you.

HAVEN
Rush? Rush Madder?
The one you said you took care of?

JETT
I did! I knocked him out
and threw him in the ocean!

HAVEN
Well, he must have swum to shore,
because he was just here.
(nasty)
And I gave him his cut.

JETT
HIS CUT?

HAVEN
He said a lot of interesting stuff.
Told me a lot of stories
about the two of you.
How you were dating back
home in Kansas, dealing drugs.
How he tried to rape a customer
while tweaked out on meth, a COP,
and how you killed the guy.
And then the pair of you split
for sunny California.

JETT
That was over a LONG time ago.

HAVEN
That’s not what RUSH said.

JETT
WHAT?

HAVEN
He said the two of you were gonna
bump me off and split with the money.

JETT
HE’S LYING. Haven, don’t you see --
he was making that up. I love YOU.

HAVEN
Then he saw the money, got greedy
and took half of it and split.
(slow, dreamy)
So I said fuck it.
There’s nothing left to live for.
So I started burning the rest of the money,
and now we BOTH have nothing.

She starts LAUGHING MANIACALLY.

JETT
Haven, he was LYING. He was --

Haven pulls out Jett’s REVOLVER.
Aims it at her.

HAVEN
Look what I found.

JETT
Haven. Put the gun down. Give it to me.

HAVEN
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

And she SHOOTS, wildly.
A bullet HITS Jett in the stomach.

JETT
HAVEN. You --

Jett looks down. A small red stain
appears on her white shirt.
Starts slowly growing.

JETT
SHOT me.

HAVEN
I thought we could be like Romeo and Juliet.
A tragic love story.

She pulls out Jett’s coke snifter. Does a bump.

HAVEN
Man, that’s good shit.
My mind has been RACING
thinking about what we could do.
Thought maybe we could set fire
to the cabin and go out in flames.
That would be dramatic, huh?
Right out of a movie.

Jett sits down next to Haven on the floor.
But she’s off somewhere, looking into the fire.

JETT
I love you, Haven. Listen to me.
He was LYING, you gotta BELIEVE ME.

But Haven is in her own little world.
Jett reaches over and tries to GRAB
the gun out of her hand. She SCREAMS.

HAVEN
NO!
They wrestle for control, Jett now weaker,
Haven on fire, almost an equal match.

The gun GOES OFF, BANG. A window SHATTERS.
Another BLAST. The TV set EXPLODES. A third, BANG.

HAVEN
Ow.

Haven SLUMPS over. Shot in the heart.

JETT
HAVEN! NO!

Jett freaks. GRABS Haven in her arms.
Holds on for dear life.

JETT
Baby, it’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.

HAVEN
(a whisper)
You -- shot me.

JETT
I didn’t mean to. I was -- just --

A siren WHOOP-WHOOPS outside.

Haven looks. She’s starting to slip away.
Eyelids heavy.

HAVEN
Looks like we have -- company.

Her flame flickers out. Gone.

JETT
Haven, NO -- baby -- NO, NO, NO, NO!

An ANGRY MALE VOICE comes over a bullhorn.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Haven Crayce and Jett Targo,
this is the POLICE!
We have you SURROUNDED!
Come out RIGHT NOW
with your HANDS IN THE AIR!

Jett starts crying.
Puts the gun in her mouth.

Closes her eyes.
But she can’t do it.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
This is your LAST CHANCE!
We have you SURROUNDED!
If you don’t come out right NOW,
we’re coming in AFTER you!

Jett goes to the window. Sees --

EXT. MOTOR COURT PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
A dozen SQUAD CARS. Lights blaring.
Dozens of COPS, SWAT, with hand guns,
assault rifles, automatic weapons.

Half a dozen media trucks.
REPORTERS. CREW. ONLOOKERS.

JETT
pulls away from the window. Holds her wound.
Looks around the room. Sees a GAS CAN.
Raises THE gun. Takes aim --

JETT
I’m so sorry, baby.
It was gonna be so good. We had it all.

And SHOOTS it. It EXPLODES in a massive fireball.
Burning money FLIES around in the air.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
COMMENCE FIRING!

The windows EXPLODE with bullets.
Shots BANG-BANG-BANG,
blasting HOLES in the walls.

Jett gets SHOT. She hits the floor, dying.
Looks at Haven. Flames licking at her body.
The peaceful look on her face.

JETT
But sometimes -- it just doesn’t work out.

EXT. MOTOR COURT BUNGALOW - CONTINUOUS
Everyone watches the house EXPLODE
in a BALL OF FLAMES.

CAL SEELY stands next to his car.
Shakes his head slowly.

DR. BING appears beside him.
They nod at each other.
Look back at the fire.

DR. BING
I never did trust that dame --

Deadly Is The Night

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 44 of THE DISH, Jett leaves Haven in their beach dive motel and goes to the nearby convenience store to get supplies, but doesn't see her picture on a wanted poster ... or that the clerk recognizes her ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
The Wanted poster is up.
But now Haven has a mustache
and a missing front tooth.

And Jett is in shades
and a cowboy hat.

Like she is right now.
Walking in the door.
The bell RINGS.

JETT
(tips her hat)
Evenin.’

She grabs a basket.
Starts going through
the food aisles.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
(wide-eyed)
Evenin.’

Jett goes to the beverage cooler.
Takes out a six-pack.
Brings her items to the counter.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
Looks like you’re fixing
to have yourself
a late-night snack.

JETT
Yeah.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
You must be stayin’ at
the Buccaneer down the way.

Jet nods.
Retarded rings up the items.

Open-mouthed. Concentrating.
Placing each in a paper bag.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
That’ll be -- thirty-four dollars
and seventy-three cents, please.
Jett hands him some cash.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
Out of forty --
(hands her bills and coins)
Five dollars and twenty-seven
cents is your change.

Jett tosses the coins in a
big plastic cup marked TIPS.

JETT
(picks up the bag)
Thanks. Have a good night.

She heads toward the door.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
You, too.
(after she’s out the door)
Give my best to your friend.

Retarded goes to the phone.
Dials. Listens.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
I’d like to speak
with the Sheriff, please.
This is Lonnie down at
the Stop and Gulp?
(listens)
I wanna report that
Bonnie and Bride
are holed up at the
Buccaneer Motor Court
over here in Seal Beach.
(listens)
So when do I get
that reward money?

PUSH IN ON Retarded.
Doing his duty. Excited.

Kiss Me Deadly

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 43 of THE DISH, a cop posts a wanted poster for Haven and Jett in the convenience store right near the motel they're holed up in ... just as Jett leaves to go to the store ...


EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - AT THAT MOMENT
A ramshackle joint a stone’s throw
from the motor court.

The COUNTY SHERIFF’S POLICE CRUISER
s parked outside.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - CONTINUOUS
A STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY
hands a wanted poster to the CLERK,
a mildly retarded local kid (18).
The clerk looks at it.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
I saw them -- on the news.

STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY
Yep. Bonnie and Bride.
Shore would like to get in
the middle of THAT sandwich.

Retarded stares at the poster.
Strange-looking goes to
the frozen food section.

Rummages around. Finds something.
Returns to the register.

STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY
How much for the Hot Pockets?

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
On the house, chief.

STRANGE-LOOKING DEPUTY
(goes to the door)
Mighty obliged, son.
You take care now.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
(watching him go)
I love Hot Pockets.

Retarded puts the wanted poster
on the counter.

Takes out a black marker.
Starts drawing on it.

INT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
A ROARING FIRE in the fireplace.
The wood CRACKS in the
red and orange flames
flickering over the money.

Haven and Jett lie
in each other’s arms,
basking in the heat.

HAVEN
I wanna stay here
forever and ever.

JETT
Yeah.

HAVEN
Mmmm.
(beat)
I’m hungry.

JETT
So am I.

HAVEN
Would you go get us some provisions?
Pretty please?

JETT
Of course.

Jett gets up, puts on her cowboy hat.

HAVEN
I think you should go just like that.

Shrugs into her jeans.

JETT
Silly girl, it’s fuckin’
freezing out there.

Puts on her shirt. SNAPS it.

HAVEN
Hurry back, honey pie.
I’m so hungry,
I could eat a horse.

JETT
When I come back,
we’ll do some ropin’ and ridin.’
(goes to the door)
Keep the home fires burning.

HAVEN
(smiles, dreamy)
Yeah --
(beat)
Hey, you know what?

JETT
What.

HAVEN
You know when they say
money can’t buy happiness?
(beat)
They’re full of shit.

And she THROWS a fistful
of money in the air.

PUSH IN ON Haven’s eyes.
Dancing with delight.

Lonely Is The Night

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 42 of THE DISH, murderous lesbian fugitives Haven and Jett check into a sleazy dive beach motel to hide out ... and then things get more than a little hot and heavy when Haven takes off her clothes and rolls around in a big pile of cash ...


INT. MOTOR COURT OFFICE - NIGHT
A plump BUCK-TOOTHED WOMAN
sits at the desk reading
a true crime magazine. Riveted.
Slowly eating potato chips.

Jett comes in quietly.
Closes the door behind her.

JETT
Evenin’. Mighty cold out there.

BUCK-TOOTH
It’s the fog.
Cold and wet it is.

She smiles strangely.
This bulb is definitely low-wattage.

JETT
Can I get a cabin for the night?

BUCK-TOOTH
Sure thing. Got one left.
But the heater’s broke.
Got a fireplace, though.

JETT
How much?

BUCK-TOOTH
(hands her a key)
Fifty bucks.
Check out is at eleven.

JETT
(takes it)
Mighty obliged.

BUCK-TOOTH
How can you see in those shades?
It’s night-time, mister.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Delighted.

INT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Quaint and cute.
Forty years ago.

Now, musty and well-worn.
Wooden furniture. Ancient TV.

An overstuffed couch
facing a stone fireplace.

Typical shitty paintings
of ships at sea.

Haven walks in,
hefting a large briefcase,
followed by Jett,
carrying their luggage.

HAVEN
Who knew eight-hundred grand
was so HEAVY.

Jett drops the luggage with a BANG.

JETT
I thought I told you to pack light.

She goes to the fireplace.
Gets a fire going.

HAVEN
Hey, a girl’s gotta have
a change of outfits.
Don’t you want me
to look sexy for you?

Jett walks over to her.
Kisses her.

JETT
You’d look good in a burlap bag.

HAVEN
You know what I wanna do?

JETT
What.

HAVEN
Roll around in it.

JETT
Roll around in what?

Haven goes to the briefcase. Opens it.

HAVEN
The money. I wanna feel it on my skin.

She takes out a bundle.
RIPS off the tape.
THROWS it in air.

It flutters down like confetti.
Haven SQUEALS with joy.

JETT
You think you should do that?
What if somebody comes by?

HAVEN
No one’s coming.
We’re all alone, and it’s late.
C’mon, it’s FUN.

Haven takes out two more.
RIPS them open. TOSSES them.

HAVEN
Wheeeeee!

She twirls in the fluttering bills
like a dancer.

Jett stares. Takes some money.
RIPS it open. THROWS it.

They both start LAUGHING MADLY.
A storm of cash RAINS down on them.
Haven stops. SHRIEKS --

And strips off her dress.
Glorious in lingerie and heels.

The vixen gets down on the carpet
and ROLLS AROUND in it.
Jett showers her with more cash.

HAVEN
Fuck me, BEN FRANKLIN.

Jett takes off her boots.
Her jeans.

Then joins Haven on the
money-covered rug
in front of the roaring fire.

HAVEN
We made it, baby.
There’s nobody else in the world.

JETT
And you’re mine. All mine.
(beat)
There’s nobody else.

And they start making love,
like animals.

Jett BITES Haven’s throat.
She CRIES OUT.

Bonnie & Bride

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 41 of THE DISH, the cops start closing in on finding Haven and Jett's location. Meanwhile, the murderous renegade lesbians hole up for the night in a dive motel on the coast ...


EXT. COUNTY ROAD - NIGHT
The truck ROARS down the gravel road.

HAVEN
You see the look on his face?
He just died and went
to trailer trash heaven.
He’s probably jerking off
in it right now.

JETT
I think we should hole up
somewhere for the night.
I’d rather cross the border
in the morning, when there’s
more traffic.

HAVEN
Ooh. I love the sound of 'holing up.'

EXT. COUNTY ROAD - CONTINUOUS
The pickup FLIES down the road.
Behind them, a DODGE DART SWINGER
pulls out of the bushes,
and ROARS after them.

INT. SHERIFF’S MUSTER ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Your typical shitty institutional
municipal squad room.

Cal Seely stands at a lectern
in front of a dozen UNIFORMED OFFICERS
and a handful of PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVES.

CAL
We’ve put out an APB.
All regional airports, bus stations
and trains are being watched.
The highway patrol is on it.
And we’ve alerted the media,
who is calling them 'Bonnie and Bride.'

A smattering of chuckling.

CAL
This isn’t a fucking JOKE.
We need to FIND them,
and find them NOW.
This is front page news, people.
I want you to fucking
take apart that whore’s boat,
and that fucking dyke’s apartment --
and find out where the fuck
they’ve gone.
(beat)
Do I make myself clear?

EXT. MOTOR COURT - NIGHT
A foghorn BLEATS somewhere off the coast.
A dense FOG has rolled in from the ocean.

Lights look blurry, fuzzy.
There’s a sharp, damp,
pungent chill in the air over --

THE BUCCANEER.
A small motor court motel
across the street from the beach.

A deserted area far away
from the touristy crap.

A small semi-circle of
shitty bungalows face the water.

The middle one has a sign
that reads OFFICE. VACANCY.

Jett’s pickup pulls up
behind it and stops.

INT. PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
Jett shuts off the ignition.
Slips on a cowboy hat. Shades.

HAVEN
I like the hat.
Makes you look -- rugged.

JETT
Let me check in by myself.
You’re too -- memorable.

HAVEN
That sounds like a
line from something.

JETT
From our life, baby face --