Friday, December 3, 2010
Mission To Nowhere
Hey there, crime kids. TGI-fucking-F. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 3 of NOWHERE GIRLS, we meet evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond in her underground lair, deep beneath Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, who has kidnapped super-spy Cherry Nation's children. Meanwhile, Cherry and her super-spy sister April Street speak on the phone with a mysterious stranger who works for Honey, and tries to give them orders, with deadly results ...
EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
The familiar edifice to cinema and false idols.
TOURISTS gape at the foot and handprints in the cement.
A LOW-BUDGET BATMAN stands proudly near the gates.
On a mission to nowhere.
CAMERA moves toward the theater,
then as if by magic,
moves down through the sidewalk into --
INT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - SUB-BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
A dimly-lit command center.
Dozens of plasma screen monitors
show blinking rows of data.
A couple dozen OPERATIVES man workstations.
Scurry about the hive of activity.
Supervising the hive is a tall,
curvy goblet of brunette wonder.
Sensual. Elegant. And completely twisted.
Meet HONEY ALMOND, (50).
Doesn’t look a day over forty.
Moves like she’s thirty.
Fucks like she’s twenty.
Cigarette dangles off her cruel red lips.
Bright blue eyes flecked with gold
flicker with cold blue steel.
(to an operative)
What’s the word from Oleg?
A nerdy-looking junior op
looks up from his monitor.
NERDY JUNIOR OP
He just made the call.
Delicious. Get ready to patch them in.
She turns, looks at ROCK VARGAS (30’s),
a vicious-looking aide-de-camp.
Elegantly demented in black leather.
Bring me The Mouse.
It’s feeding time.
As you wish.
He hustles off.
(to another op)
The wire transfer from Switzerland. Status?
A tall SULTRY FEMALE OP (20’s)
looks up from her monitor.
SULTRY FEMALE OP
Done. One-hundred-million Euros
in your ten accounts, ten million each.
(raises her arms)
Spectacular. Now that’s what I call a BAIL-OUT.
Rock rushes in with THE MOUSE (40’s),
a small, wiry weasel.
Think John Waters divided by Michael Cera.
Y-you wanted to see me, chief?
You fucked up again, mister.
For the last time.
She pulls a 9MM Baretta from her pocket.
Aims it at him.
No. Wait. I-I can explain --
(clicks the safety)
What part of ‘kill Carver’
didn’t you understand?
He’s STILL ALIVE.
We had him, but he -- disappeared, he --
BUZZZ. Wrong ANSWER.
Time for your SEVERANCE PACKAGE.
Honey FIRES. BANG. BANG. BANG.
The mouse HITS the floor, THWUMP. Dead.
Blood starts pooling on the tiles.
Somebody call HR.
A great parking spot just opened up.
INT. CHERRY’S JOINT - AT THAT MOMENT
April sits on the couch,
head in her hands.
Cherry paces back and forth
talking on her cell. FURIOUS.
We’re not gonna do SQUAT
until I can speak to the girls.
I need to know they’re alive.
EXT. SANTA MONICA CAFE - CONTINUOUS
Oleg smiles silkily.
Pulls a tape recorder out of his pocket.
As you wish.
He CLICKS it on.
Holds it up to the phone.
Mommy? Where are you?
These bad men killed all our friends --
(mumbling in the background)
Don’t worry, we’re okay.
We’re watching cartoons.
Please come get us, Mommy.
We’re scared --
Oleg CLICKS it off.
I swear to god if anything happens to them,
I’m gonna hunt you down and KILL YOU.
Shut and listen to me.
I am calling shots here.
You have list of demands.
Call White House NOW, or ELSE.
Okay, okay. Don’t get your
tighty-whities in a bind --
A FEMALE FIGURE IN BLACK appears behind him.
Raises a Glock with a silencer.
Aims it at the back of his head.
Oleg falls face-down
in his chai soy latte, CRACK.
The Figure GRABS his phone.
Hustles off down the sidewalk.
FEMALE FIGURE IN BLACK
Hello, are you still there?
(cups the phone, to April)
Now it’s some chick --
(in the phone)
I’m here. Who are YOU?
Female Figure stops.
Ducks under an awning.
Lights up a red Sherman’s.
EXHALES a cloud of smoke.
FEMALE FIGURE IN BLACK
Listen to me carefully.
I am friend, and I’m going to help you.
Meet BIBI LA SALLE (30’s), French ex-pat.
Tall and lean. Blonde hair in a tight chignon.
Chic in a Chanel miniskirted suit
and thigh-high black vinyl boots. So hot it hurts.
And, one of Honey’s former ops.
A 'friend?' Who are you?
Can you help me get my kids back?
What about the guy I was talking to?
I killed him. Listen to me.
We will get your children.
But first we have to deal
with ze situation at ze White House.
No shit. Hold on a sec.
I’m gonna transfer this to speakerphone,
so my sister can hear.
As you wish, but hurry.
Time flies when you’re holding
the leader of the free world hostage.
Cherry PUSHES a series of buttons on her cell.
A light FLASHES on the speakerphone.
Can you hear me?
So tell us what the fuck’s going on.
Have you heard of Honey Almond?
April and Cherry exchange glances.
Shake their heads ‘no.’
No. She related to Cadbury?
Very funny, Miss Street.
She is head of NSA black ops unit.
But she is rogue.
Her group makes deals
with terrorists for
takes their money,
and then eliminates them.
Quick. Efficient. And quite profitable.
So what does that have to do with us?
I don’t know yet.
When I found out about ze
op at the White House,
and that they were setting you two
up to take ze fall, I quit.
That was ze last straw.
You two are legends
in ze intelligence community.
(shakes her head in disgust)
It’s personal, and I don’t play that way.
I signed up to protect our nation,
not take money from terrorists
and disgrace our own agents.
So you’re gonna help us?
I have to. I’m now marked, too.
People don’t quit Honey,
she fires them. Literally.
But enough chit-chat.
You need to call the President, right now --
Okay, okay -- but what’s your name?
Bibi La Salle. At your service.