Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Hasta La Vista, Refried Motherfuckers
It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your darkest fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 7 of NOWHERE GIRL, Homeland Security agent April Street gets into a shouting match on the phone with her boss, black ops spook Sledge Crafton, who fires her and puts a burn notice out on her. Meanwhile, stripper with a suitcase nuke Cherry Nation and hipster Peeler Mardo get into a tussle with a group of gang-bangers on the bus, with most surprising results ...
INT. MARDO’S JOINT - NIGHT
April looks through Token’s pockets.
Finds the handcuff keys.
(on the phone)
Sledge. What a pleasant surprise.
INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Sledge paces slowly, sipping scotch
from a cut-glass tumbler.
BARKS into the speakerphone on his desk.
Watch your tone with me, GIRLIE.
I’m still your fucking BOSS.
Is that MY fucking boss --
or FUCKING my boss?
Can it, Street, before I can YOU.
What’s going on? You secure the case?
Uh -- no. There’s been a little -- problem.
A little PROBLEM? So help me Street,
if you’ve fucked this up,
I’m gonna have your ass.
You’ve already had my ass.
Now listen to me, and don’t interrupt --
STREET, GODAMMIT --
SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
Avi’s guy Ware came in
and fucked everything up!
The girl and the guy who have the case split,
but I’ve got Ware’s tracking transmitter,
and I will FIND THEM and GET IT --
so stop thinking with your DICK,
take a CHILL PILL, and let me do my JOB.
Sledge HURLS his glass against the wall with a CRASH.
How DARE you talk to me like that.
I will NOT have it.
I’m dismissing you from the case.
And the unit.
You’re putting out a burn notice on me?
See you IN HELL.
He PUNCHES the speakerphone,
sending it FLYING across the room --
where it CRACKS into the wall.
Sledge? Boss? You there?
Talk about a severance package --
INT. CITY BUS - MOVING - NIGHT
One of those long, red monsters,
in sections, like a snake.
Only a handful of passengers.
Cherry and Peeler sit toward the back.
Look at a video monitor.
I didn’t know they had TV on the bus.
It’s not real TV. Watch.
ON THE SCREEN
A smiling LATINA gives a pitch
about ‘Accidentes Abigados.’
Makes a face.
It’s in Spanish.
Welcome to how the other half lives.
The bus STOPS.
A trio of GANG-BANGERS (early 20’s) boards.
They strut down the aisle.
The first one, the LEADER, sees Cherry.
He stops. Nudges the others. Gold-toothed smiles.
They move slowly, sauntering,
until they reach Cherry and Peeler.
The leader sits in front of them.
The others, behind.
What'cha got in da case, mommy?
Uh -- nothing.
Can’t be nothin’, or else
you wouldn’ta be cuffed to it.
The SHORT, UGLY GANG-BANGER
sitting behind Cherry FLIPS open
a switchblade, revealing a long knife.
SHORT, UGLY GANG-BANGER
It’s gotta be valuable, riiight?
The other kid, a TALLER, GOOD-LOOKING GANG-BANGER
pulls out a forty-ounce bottle of malt liquor.
Takes a swig.
TALLER, GOOD-LOOKING GANG-BANGER
I say she open it and show us what she’s got.
That wouldn’t be a good idea.
And why is dat?
The bus JERKS to a stop.
A FAT WOMAN in an wheelchair is getting on.
This will take a little while.
Because it’s a BOMB.
The Leader starts LAUGHING.
Then, the others join in.
You kiddin’ me.
Why would a nice piece
of pussy like you have a BOMB?
For assholes like YOU.
She LEAPS UP -- and WHACKS Leader in the head
with the case, CRACK, SPINS AROUND,
and CRACKS Short, Ugly in the face.
MOVE IT, now!
Peeler JUMPS UP, races toward the exit.
Tall, Good-Looking cowers with fear.
You want a piece of this, homes?
He shakes his head ‘no.’
I didn’t think so.
Hasta la vista, refried motherfuckers.
EXT. BUS STOP - SECONDS LATER
Cherry and Peeler FLY out the exit door.
RACE down the street. LAUGHING and WHOOPING.
Holy fucking shit! You CLOCKED ‘em!
Cherry slows down. Catches her breath.
I don’t know what happened.
It was like something snapped --
and I just DID it.
You were great.
And I don’t even feel emasculated.
Okay, where to now?
Let’s grab a quick bite, regroup,
and then deliver this fucker.
(staring, big smile)
I’d follow you to the end of the earth.
Cherry stops. Gives him the eye.
I’m still not gonna fuck you.