Hasta La Vista, Parental Unit

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! Feeling bored? Depressed? Mad as hell, and can't take it anymore? Then why not take a little trip to the dark side, and go to a place where your most evil, hardboiled fantasies can come true ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from NOWHERE GIRL, it's the next-to-last installment ... in which Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation, high above the stage in the Kodak Theater, fight to the death their mother, evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond ...


INT. KODAK THEATER - BACKSTAGE - RAFTERS - NIGHT
Cherry and April aims their guns at Honey, hidden in the dark shadows.

CHERRY
Honey Almond,
we’ve got you SURROUNDED.

APRIL
Throw your gun down
so we can take you in peacefully.

Honey looks the shadows.
Sees April at one end.
Cherry at the other. Sighs.
Looks down. Shakes her head.

HONEY
We could have had so much fun.
Complete world domination.
A real family-run organization.
(beat)
But NO. You REJECTED me.
Your own MOTHER.

CHERRY
You don’t deserve to be called a MOTHER.
You’re a MONSTER.
You kidnapped my CHILDREN.

HONEY
Well, if you’re going to nitpick --

She starts FIRING at them.
April DUCKS, returns FIRE.

Cherry gets down, pulls out her gun.
Starts SHOOTING.

But it’s hard to see in the dark.
Bullets PING, PING, PING
off the rafters, the cement walls.

Suddenly Honey JUMPS off the platform --
and PLUMMETS down.

ON THE STAGE FLOOR
Honey lands on what we
now see is a large TRAMPOLINE.

She HITS the rubber with her feet,
and FLIES BACK UP --

FIRING both guns at Cherry and April.
They DUCK down.
Start SHOOTING back at her.

APRIL
What is this, the fucking CIRCUS?

CHERRY
Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey BUTT-FUCK.

Bullets PING-PING-PING
into the rafters as Honey SOARS.
SHOOTING both guns at them.

She reaches the top, FIRES again,
then PLUMMETS back down.

April and Cherry stop firing.
Watch her go down.

April picks up her walkie. Clicks it on.

APRIL
Cherry, pick up. I’ve got an idea.

CHERRY
(answers hers)
I’m all ears --

APRIL
You have any of those fire bombs?

CHERRY
I’ve got one left.
(realizes)
The TRAMPOLINE.

APRIL
Exactly. DO IT, NOW --

ON THE STAGE
Honey HITS the rubber again,
goes FLYING back up.

CHERRY
Pulls a small grenade-looking
steel ball out of her pocket.

HURLS it down.
It WHIZZES through the air.

HONEY
Reaches the rafters again.
Starts FIRING again.

But the girls lay low,
bracing themselves for the explosion.

HONEY
Come out, come out, wherever YOU ARE --

THE BOMB
HITS the trampoline.
It EXPLODES. BANG.

The rubber mat goes
FLYING in tiny pieces.

HONEY
Hits the top.
Begins her descent.
Looks down.

HONEY
NOT good --

She PLUMMETS,
and HITS the stage floor, SPLAT.
Lights out.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Look down at Honey’s ruined body.
Laying at an odd angle,
like a broken rag doll.

A pool of blood forms around her.

APRIL
Night, mother.

CHERRY
Hasta la vista, parental unit --