Make A Sound, And You're Shredded Wheat

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! It's time once again to get your rocks off, and take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent hardboiled fantasies becomes sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 12 from THE HEISTERS, we flash back to the stadium robbery, where Kelsey and the boys lay in wait, and then overpower the guards as they arrive in the morning ...


INT. STADIUM OFFICE - STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Kelsey, Ronan and Chick sit on the floor playing cards.
Ludo walks in the room juggling four cups of coffee.
Closes the door with his foot. Starts passing them out.

LUDO
Thank fucking god for Mr. Coffee --

KELSEY
(takes hers)
Tell me about it. Thanks.

RONAN
(takes his)
Yeah. Thanks.

CHICK
(takes one)
Don’t mind if I do --

KELSEY
(takes a sip)
What time is it?

RONAN
(looks at his watch)
Almost seven --

KELSEY
They’ll be showing up soon.
Let’s get out there --

They all get up. File out of the room.

INT. FINANCE OFFICE - DAY
Kelsey and Chick stand near the front window. Watching.
Ludo and Ronan are on either side of the door holding Uzis.

KELSEY
Here comes two of ‘em. A guy and a girl --

CHICK
Jeez. Check out the cans on THAT heifer.
(beat)
Sorry --

Everyone is quiet. Listening.
We hear a key JIGGLING in the door.
It OPENS, and in walk a NERDY GUY (20’s)
and a FAT CHICK (30’s).

Ludo and Ronan POKE them with their Uzis.

LUDO
Make a sound and you’re shredded wheat, got it?

RONAN
Into the storage room. MARCH.

Nerdy and Fat look at each other. Freaked.
They nod, look down, and start walking.

Ronan follows them.
Ludo takes position at the door again.
Kelsey joins him.

CHICK
Here comes one of the guards.
(beat)
Careful. This guy is BIG.

Footsteps POUND-POUND-POUND outside the door. It OPENS.
In walks a THREE-HUNDRED POUND MONSTER.
I mean, this guy is BIG.

The love child of Refrigerator Perry and Precious.

Ludo points his Uzi at Monster Guard.
Takes a step back.

LUDO
Don’t move. Stay right where you are.

MONSTER GUARD
Fuck YOU.

Quick as lightning, he reaches out
and SWATS the gun out of Ludo’s hand.
GRABS him around the throat with his meaty paws.

MONSTER GUARD
Nobody gonna rob MY office --

Kelsey RACES over.
PISTOL-WHIPS him on the head with her gun.
But it does no good. He blinks.

Keeps squeezing Ludo’s throat,
who’s face is now turning bright red.

Kelsey pulls out a silencer.
Screws it on her gun --

Just as Chick walks up and CRACKS
a folding chair over his head, BANG.

Monster lets go of Ludo.
Takes a step back, weaves a little,
then falls over, hits the floor with a THUD.

KELSEY
The bigger they are --

CHICK
The harder you have to smash’ em over the head.

LUDO
(rubbing his neck)
I actually starting seeing stars, like in the cartoons --

KELSEY
(to Chick)
C’mon, help me drag him into the storage room.

They each take an ankle. Give him a YANK.
But he won’t budge. Ludo looks at them. Smiles.

LUDO
Let me do it. I could bench press that fat fuck.

Kelsey and Chick step back.
Ludo GRABS his ankles.
Starts pulling him across the floor to the back.

CHICK
Impressive.

KELSEY
That’s what I call ‘dead weight.’

The door CLICKS.

Kelsey leans down, picks up Ludo’s Uzi.
Takes aim.

It OPENS.
THREE GUARDS file in, holding Starbucks.

CHICK
(waves his gun)
Stop right there, fellas.

KELSEY
Reach for your piece,
and it’s lights out, right in the mochachino.

SURLY GUARD
(GRABS his piece)
What the FUCK?

CHICK
You heard the lady.
Get your hand OFF THE GUN.

ANGRY GUARD
(hand on his piece)
But there’s three of us, and two of you.

CHICK
That may be,
but this semi-automatic weapon
will turn you into Swiss cheese
faster than you can say ‘Mall Cop.’

SURLY GUARD
HEY. There’s no need to be NASTY.

RONAN (O.C.)
If you don’t get your asses over here in two seconds --

Reveal RONAN.
Ten feet away.
Pointing HIS Uzi at them.

RONAN
Nasty is just the BEGINNING.

WIMPY GUARD
C’mon, guys.
These people man BUSINESS.
It’s not worth DYING for --

Surly and Angry take their hands off their guns. Sigh.
All three start walking toward the back.

CHICK
(looks at Kelsey)
I almost had a coronary --

KELSEY
No time for that. Take a deep breath.
We still have four more employees on the way.

CHICK
Don’t worry. Figure of speech.

KELSEY
Great work with the chair, by the way.

CHICK
Thanks. I was trained by the best.

KELSEY
Army? Marines?

CHICK
Nah. Parents had eight kids --

Spin The Dick

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In chapter 11 of THE HEISTERS, we flash forward again to the aftermath of the bungled heist, where Kelsey Hazard visits homicide detective Mart Volok at his home, to grill him for information ...


EXT. FOURTEENTH STREET - NIGHT
A leafy side street off Wilshire on the north side of Santa Monica.
Safe, quiet, and not too expensive. The beige seats.

A beat-up old SEDAN pulls up to the curb.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I read in the newspaper that homicide detective
Mart Volok was in charge of the case --
(beat)
I did a little research, found the guy’s address --
and now it was time to play ‘spin the dick.’

The car door opens. Kelsey gets out.
Walks up the sidewalk to the front door.
She RINGS the bell.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I knew I had to play my cards VERY carefully.
It’s usually not a good idea to fuck with officers of the law.

The door OPENS.

A small HOUSEWIFE (40’s), formerly cute,
now a faded wisp of suburban malaise,
stands there staring at Kelsey with alarm.
Eyes blinking. Mind whirring.

KELSEY
Sorry to bother you,
but I’d like to speak to detective Volok.

MRS. VOLOK
I, uh -- I don’t think he’s --

KELSEY
Tell him it’s about the Jackie Tempel case.

She stares at Kelsey balefully.
But it’s dinner-time.
Deer in the klieg lights.
She deflates. Sighs.

MRS. VOLOK
I’ll go get him.

The Real Housewife of Santa Monica pads away.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I could smell the pot roast.
Talk about perfect timing.

MART VOLOK (45) appears in the door.
Tall and thin with a belly.
Casual in jeans and a sweatshirt.
But the eyes tell it all.

Razor-sharp. Dark and menacing. Appraising.

MART
You said you wanted to talk about the Tempel case?
You have some information?

KELSEY
I might.

MART
Are you here to give yourself up?

KELSEY
You’re a funny guy.

MART
I have my moments.
(beat)
You’re the one who found the body, right?

KELSEY
Maybe.

MART
And beat the shit out of two of my officers?

KELSEY
Price of doing business.

MART
Come inside.

INT. STUDY - NIGHT
A manly room with shelves of books and a big desk.
Ambience heavy and quiet.

Photos of cops on the walls.
Awards. Trophies. Plaques.
Rifles bolted to the wall on a rack.

Mart sits behind the desk.
Kelsey in a chair in front of it.

MART
So what do you want?
You didn’t come to my home
just to tell me you didn’t do it.

KELSEY
I want names --

MART
Names? What names?

KELSEY
Jackie Tempel’s female associates.

MART
And why would I do that?

KELSEY
Because I could help you.

MART
And why would you do that?

KELSEY
Whoever killed him has something of mine.
And I want it back.

MART
Would that have anything to do with
the semi-automatic weapons the officers found?
(off her stare)
I can’t figure you out.
You come here, ask ME questions,
and then have the nerve
to ask me to give you information.
Why would I do that?

KELSEY
I dunno. You’re a good guy?
You wanna see justice done?

MART
Look. I know you didn’t kill him, okay?
The timing of when the call
was made to us was doesn’t fit.
And the story about going
to the corner store checked out.
(beat)
My gut tells me you’re dirty.
What’s the story with the guns?
Were you in on that heist at the rock concert?

KELSEY
Heist? At a rock concert?

They stare at each other.
A clock tick-tick-ticks.

MART
What’s your name?

KELSEY
Jane. Jane Doe.

MART
Okay -- 'Jane Doe.'
I’m investigating a murder, NOT a robbery.
But in order to keep my perp from flying the coop,
I’ve let the media concentrate on the search for you.
But I’m not searching for you, Robbery is.
They figure you were in on it,
given the weapons in the closet.

KELSEY
Did it ever occur to you that the guns were Jackie’s?

MART
That punk?
He was a low-level errand boy,
not a hard-bitten pro like you.
From where I sit, you reek of heister.

KELSEY
I want names.

MART
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

KELSEY
You’ve got nothing.
No suspects for the murder, OR the robbery.
Give me the names and maybe I can stir things up a little.

MART
You mean FUCK things up a little --

Pause.

KELSEY
I bet your wife was quite the dish back in the day.

MART
What the fuck --

KELSEY
(hisses, sharp)
But I guess after having the kids,
her figure kinda went to mush, huh?

MART
Now, LISTEN --

KELSEY
NO. You listen to ME.
You think I came here ALONE?
(off his shocked look)
Give me the fucking NAMES.

MART
From the bulges in your jacket
I can tell you’re carrying at least two weapons.

KELSEY
And from the bulge in your gut
I can tell you can’t do two sit-ups.

MART
I have a gun holstered on my hip.
From that position, I’m the fastest draw on the force.

KELSEY
Must be nice to come home
to a home-cooked meal every night.
Bet you even read to the kids before bedtime.

MART
Don’t you DARE threaten my family --

KELSEY
I want the fucking NAMES.
(quietly)
And then when I get what I want,
what was TAKEN from me --
I deliver them to you on a silver platter.
With a nice, big bow.

MART
Do you really expect me to --

KELSEY
I bet she makes really good mashed potatoes, too --

Pause.

MART
Okay. You win. This round.

He opens up a notebook on the desk.
Pulls off a blank piece of paper.
Turns to a page. Looks at it.
Grabs a pencil. Starts writing --

MART
But know this.
All of these people are under surveillance,
and if you get within fifty feet of them,
you’re gonna be behind bars
so fast your head will spin. GOT it?

Kelsey watches him. Smiles like a cat.

KELSEY
Well, I hope at least I’ll have time for desert.

Let The Heist Begin

Happy Monday, crime motherfuckers! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, to a place where your most violent hardboiled fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 10 of THE HEISTERS, we flash back again, this time to the start of the heist. Kelsey and the gang break into the stadium finance office, where they will wait all night until the guards arrive in the morning. 'Let the heist begin,' indeed ...


EXT. STADIUM - NORTH GATE - NIGHT
Deserted at this hour.
A large, old black Mercedes sedan idles at the curb.
The exhaust softly puffs out a white cloud in the moonlight.
We see four DARK FIGURES huddled inside.

KELSEY (V.O.)
There’s nothing like the feeling
you get at the start of a job.
At first it’s like butterflies in your stomach,
like you’re going onstage.
But once you get going,
it’s a pure adrenaline rush.
Better than drugs. Booze. Gambling. Even sex --
(beat)
Well, almost.

INT. MERCEDES SEDAN - NIGHT
Ronan’s behind the wheel.
Kelsey rides shotgun in the passenger seat.
Chick and Ludo sit in the back.

KELSEY
(to Ronan)
Ready to rock and roll?

RONAN
Solid, doll. Let’s crack this sucker like a walnut --
(smiles)
And let the heist begin.

CHICK
Where’s Mickey Spillane when you need him?
(to Ludo)
It’s showtime, boychick.

LUDO
(to Kelsey and Ronan)
See you in the funny papers.

Chick and Ludo open their doors. Get out.

EXT. STADIUM GATE - NIGHT
Ludo carries a fold-up chair and a newspaper.
Sets the chair down next to the gate.
Puts the paper on it.

He turns toward Chick.
Interlocks his fingers together.

Holds them down below his knees.
Chick steps onto Ludo’s hands and GRABS the bars.

Ludo then HOISTS Chick up.
He GRABS the top.

Ludo GRABS Chick’s feet and PUSHES him up higher.
Chick squeezes through the opening at the top of the gate
and drops down on the other side with a soft THUD.

Ludo sits down on the chair and starts reading the paper.

IN THE MERCEDES
Ronan turns. Looks at Kelsey.

RONAN
How you doin’?

KELSEY
Top o’ the world, ma.

RONAN
You don’t get -- nervous?

KELSEY
Never. You?

RONAN
I get a bit -- on edge.
Then when the job gets going, I calm down.
Kinda go into auto-pilot.

KELSEY
Same here --
(sees something)
Don’t look now, but we’re coming in for a landing.

LUDO
Gets up from his chair. Stretches and yawns.

KELSEY AND RONAN
Get out of the car. Go the trunk. Open it.
Ronan takes out two large duffle bags.
Kelsey grabs a large suitcase.
They carry them over to Ludo.

LUDO
(takes Kelsey’s bag)
Gate’s open.

KELSEY
Then let’s go make a charitable withdrawal.

EXT. BOX OFFICE ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Chick holds a small, thin flashlight.
A small sliver of light hits Kelsey, Ronan and Ludo’s feet.

CHICK
Hey, hey. The gang’s all here. Follow me.

They walk off into the darkness.

EXT. BOX OFFICE - DOOR - NIGHT
Chick shines a light on the lock as Kelsey works a key.
It softly CLICKS open. She smiles. Quietly pushes the door.

They go in.

INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT
Kelsey leads Ronan, Ludo and Chick up the stairs.
They walk slowly, carefully, so as not to make any noise.

INT. STAIRWELL - DOOR - NIGHT
Kelsey pulls out another key. Works it in the lock.
It softly CLICKS open. She grabs the doorknob.

KELSEY
(whispers)
Follow me --

And the four of them walk in.

INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT
The heisters pad softly down the hallway.
Get to a doorway at the end.
A sign reads AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.

Kelsey sticks a key in. Turns it.
The door OPENS softly. CLICK.

KELSEY
Open sesame, motherfuckers --

They file in.

INT. FINANCE OFFICE - NIGHT
A large room with cubicles and work stations.
Drab. Functional. Cluttered. Eerie in the dim light.

Kelsey leads them to a door in the far corner.
She opens it. They walk into --

INT. STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
A windowless room with shelves
along the walls filled with boxes.

Ludo and Ronan put their bags down.
Look around.

CHICK
It’s not much, but I call it ‘hiding place.’

Ludo FLIPS on the lights.

RONAN
Damn, that’s bright. Shut ‘em off.

KELSEY
Leave ‘em on. It’ll keep us awake.

LUDO
So what are we going to do to pass the time?
I’m too keyed up to get any shut-eye.

CHICK
(pulls out a pack of cards)
Anybody up for a game of poker?

KELSEY
Good idea. It’ll keep our wits sharp.

Ronan grabs a box.
Puts it in the middle of the floor.

RONAN
Here’s our table --

They all sit on the floor around the box.
Chick starts shuffling and cutting the cards.

CHICK
How about a little five-card draw?

LUDO
What about Texas Hold-em?

KELSEY
Fuck that yuppie shit.
I say five-card STUD.

CHICK
I’m really starting to like this broad.
(starts dealing the cards)
Stud it is --

RONAN
So what are we gonna play for?

KELSEY
IOU’s work for me.
(smiles, looks at her cards)
After all, tomorrow we’re gonna be rolling in it --

Danger Is My Business

Happy Thursday, crime busters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most hardboiled fantasies become acts of twisted murder and mayhem, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 9 of THE HEISTERS, we flash forward back to the aftermath of the robbery gone wrong, where Kelsey and the gang are all holed up at Ronan's motel room planning on how to get the money back, when Kelsey has a startling announcement ...


INT. RONAN’S HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Blinds are drawn. A heavy haze of smoke hangs in the air.
And the smell of sweat. Desperation. Anger.

Everyone’s seated on the couch,
the floor, and all available chairs.

Becky puts a bowl of chips and dip on the coffee table.
If you didn’t know better, you’d think it was a party.

KASPER
But I still say how do we know it wasn’t one of us?

RONAN
If YOU ripped off a million bucks,
would YOU still be in town?

JEFTY
No shit. If I’d jacked the cash,
I’d be LONG GONE, baby --

CHICK
Well, that WOULD be the perfect cover.
Steal the dough, then stay holed up like the rest of us --

LUDO
That’s stupid. We’re all paired up.
How could anyone do THAT?

CHICK
Well, we were all paired up except for --

RONAN
HEY. I fucking PUT THIS JOB TOGETHER.
You think I’m going to double cross all of you?

LUDO
(shrugs)
It’s happened before --

KELSEY
ENOUGH, all of you.
I had the fucking money,
I was gone for TEN FUCKING MINUTES,
and nobody knew where I was except RONAN,
who I called right after the shit went down.
(beat)
If we’re going to get the money back,
we’re going to have to work together,
and not BICKER like a bunch
of fucking school kids, GOT IT?

Pause.

KELSEY
Alright. It’s settled --
(beat)
Now, like I told you, Jackie Tempel
was stabbed through the neck with a samurai sword
he had hanging over the bed.
That makes it a crime of passion,
so we’re looking for some chick
he was seeing -- and dumped.
Or cheated on.

LUDO
And how are we going to find HER?

Kelsey pulls out the kid’s cell.
Holds it up. Smiles.

KELSEY
I grabbed his phone.
And looking through all the names on it,
we’ve got ourselves a nice little list of chickies.

KASPER
So our boy was a player --

JEFTY
We gonna play 'ding-dong bitch?'

RONAN
I told you she was smart --

CHICK
So what’s the plan, then?

KELSEY
We’ve got five names --
(beat)
I want each of you to check out one of them. Tonight.

LUDO
What are you going to do?

KELSEY
Glad you asked.
(smiles)
I’m going to pay a little visit
to the homicide detective in charge of the case.
See if there are any names we don’t know about.

KASPER
But won’t that be -- dangerous?

KELSEY
Not a problem.
(beat)
Danger is my business.

That Shit Will Get You Killed

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! It's that time again ... time to take a trip to the dark side, where your most hardboiled fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 8 from THE HEISTERS, we flash back to before the robbery, where Kelsey and the gang continue to plan the heist. On tap today, transportation ...


EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - WAREHOUSE DISTRICT - NIGHT
A giant abandoned brick warehouse in the shitty part of East Los Angeles.
Barren. Desolate. Not a soul to be seen.

Even the rats have split.

KELSEY (V.O.)
The dry run had gone well.
It was just as Ronan said it would be.
The job was starting to shape up nicely.

INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Kenny, DeLuca, Aber, Garza and Jones sit around
a crude table built with planks on saw horses.

Kelsey sits at the head of the table.
Lights a cigarette. Thinking. Watching them.

KELSEY (V.O.)
We had found the drivers
through Ronan’s connections.
We wanted new blood.
Guys who didn’t have that much of a rap sheet,
but who had good reps. Solid. Reliable.
But not the usual wheelmen the cops
would round up after the job was done.
And I wanted guys who could jack clean vehicles in a hurry --

LUDO
I still don’t get why we have to stay here.
The joint is filthy --
there’s all kinds of cockroaches and rats and shit.

RONAN
It’s just for a couple of days until we do the job.

LUDO
Yeah, but this place is --

KELSEY
(sharp)
If you want out, now is the time to say so.
We’ll need to find a replacement.

CHICK
Don’t be such a fucking pussy.
We got tents and sleeping bags.
Think of it like summer camp.

RONAN
You want to save your fucking restaurant or what?

LUDO
Alright, alright --

KELSEY
Then it’s settled. Enough kibitzing.
It’s time to talk transportation.
(beat)
We’re gonna need four vehicles --

KASPER
FOUR vehicles?

JEFTY
Yeah. How come?

KELSEY
First we need an ambulance.
And then a car small enough to fit into it.

CHICK
That’s brilliant.

LUDO
And the other two vehicles?

KELSEY
We need a small truck,
and then another car we can fit in it --

RONAN
Nice, huh? We do the job with the two smaller cars,
then hide them immediately in the bigger vehicles.

JEFTY
Fucking cool. I like it.

KASPER
Yeah. It’s like outta some movie or some shit.

RONAN
Why do you think I brought her on board?
She’s the master at this shit.

Kelsey nods. A smile flies across her lips. Then disappears.

KELSEY
But we’ve got our work cut out for ourselves.
It’s Wednesday night,
and we have two days to get our shit together.

JEFTY
(smiles)
Not a problem. I can get BOTH cars tomorrow.

KELSEY
You know where to get some clean plates?

JEFTY
Does my man Tiger got wood?

KELSEY
(chuckles)
Too much information.
(to Kasper)
Can you get us the truck and the ambulance?

KASPER
Does a crack whore shit in The Hood?

CHICK
We gotta couple more comedians.
Keep this up, and we can go on tour.

KELSEY
(to Kasper and Jefty)
If you can get the vehicles by tomorrow,
that would be great.
Be nice to have some extra time
to outfit the insides and make adjustments.
I’ve learned the hard way
it’s best not to wait until the last minute.
If you rush, the job turns to mush.

JEFTY
So how did you get in the business?
Hot dame like you --

RONAN
That’s none of your fucking business.
She’s just like us, a pro, on a job.
Leave the personal shit out of it, okay?

KELSEY
It’s okay. I’m used to it --

She stands. Starts walking around the table. Smoking.
Looking at each of them. Eyes on fire.

KELSEY
My parents jacked banks.
When I was thirteen, they got killed on a job.
(shakes her head)
They tried to take out a downtown
Wells Fargo all by themselves.
(beat)
My dad’s brother took me under his wing.
(bitter smile)
As luck would have it,
he was the one of the best heisters on the west coast.
Taught me everything I know.
I like to think it’s oddly poetic
that I continued the family business.
(beat)
But I don’t do banks. Ever.
(beat)
That shit will get you killed.

A Well-Oiled Machine

Happy Tuesday, crime motherfuckers! You say you're frustrated? Angry? Mad as hell, and can't take it anymore? Then why not head on over to the coolest hardboiled crime joint in cyberspace and blow off a little steam ... right here, at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 6 of THE HEISTERS, we flash forward and return to the aftermath of the bungled robbery, where heister Ronan Kelsey rounds up the drivers used on the job, who are right now holed up in a seedy motel on the wrong end of the hood ...


EXT. THE MATADOR MOTEL - DAY
A seedy ‘sex motel’ on the outskirts of Compton.
Beyond sleazy-looking.

The usual assortment of crack whores, gang-bangers
and assorted street trash loiter outside.

A cab pulls up and parks at the sidewalk.

INT. CAB - DAY
Ronan leans over the divider.
Shows the BORED CABBIE a hundred-dollar bill.
He RIPS it in two. Hands him half.

RONAN
Wait for me and you get the rest.

BORED CABBIE
How long you gonna be?

RONAN
Five minutes, tops.

BORED CABBIE
(looks at the motel)
You’re FAST.

RONAN
It’s business, buster.

BORED CABBIE
Yeah, right. And I’m Donald Trump --

INT. MATADOR MOTEL - SHITTY ROOM - DAY
A ridiculous ‘theme room’ made up to look like
a medieval castle cell. But the ‘stones’ on the wallpaper are peeling.

Two MEN sit on the bed watching TV.
A pizza box lays between them.

They both take swigs from forties of malt liquor.
Take hits from a joint they pass back and forth.

LARGE BLACK GUY
DAMN, that’s some serious SHIT.
Saturday Night Fever blew
the fucking nigger’s BRAINS out --

Meet JEFTY BROWN (28),
massive muscle-for-hire.
Former gang-banger,
now working his way up the ladder.

Precision driver.
Chip on his shoulder the size of a Escalade.

HISPANIC GUY
I can’t believe you never seen this shit, homes --
(passes the joint)
Tarantino is THE MAN.
You ever seen JACKIE BROWN?

Meet KASPER GARZA (25),
former Mexican drug cartel runner.
Decided he liked LA better.

Bulky fireplug. Wannabe boxer.
But partied too much.
Could be Luis Guzman’s little brother.

JEFTY
(takes the joint)
I seen dat. Pam Grier got BACK.

A soft knock-knock-knock at the door.
They both pull out GUNS.

Kasper hops off the bed.
Tip-toes up to the door.

Nods at Jefty,
who’s got his weapon aimed.
He nods.

KASPER
Who’s there?

RONAN (O.C.)
The Good Humor man. Open up.

KASPER
Ronan?

RONAN
Yeah. Open the fucking door.

KASPER
How do I know it’s you?

RONAN
If you don’t open the door,
I’ll break it down and kick your wetback ass
all the way to TIJUANA.

KASPER
(to Jefty, smiles)
It’s him --

He unlocks the door. Opens it.
Ronan comes in. Surveys the scene.
Shakes his head.

RONAN
All that’s missing are the hookers --

JEFTY
(smiles)
They left last night.
Ain’t gonna pay ‘em for sleepin’ --

KASPER
So whassup?
You said some shit went down.

RONAN
The money got jacked.

JEFTY
What THE FUCK?

KASPER
I KNEW we shouldn’ta trusted
that fucking BITCH --

RONAN
Shut up and LET ME TALK!

Silence.

RONAN
Kelsey didn’t do it.
She went out for five minutes
to get supplies at the corner,
and when she got back her boy-toy
was harpooned to the bed,
and the cash was GONE.
She called me right away.

JEFTY
SHIT --

KASPER
FUCK --

RONAN
We think it was non-pro.
The boy-toy’s ex or some shit.
We’re all meeting up to figure out
how to find ‘em,
so pack up your shit and let’s go.
I’ve got a cab waiting outside.

JEFTY
But I thought we were supposed to lay low --

KASPER
Yeah, till the heat was off --

RONAN
Suit yourself.
Stay here and party down.
But when we get the money
you’re on your own.

JEFTY
Shit, hold on. I’m comin,’ I’m comin.’

KASPER
Yo, chill. Let me get my shit.

They both race around the room.
Grabbing their bags,
stuffing their belongings in them.

RONAN
(shakes his head)
I love a well-oiled machine --

The Blind Leading The Blind

Happy Monday, crime-busters! It's that time again. Time to take a trip to the dark side, where you can live out your harboiled fantasies of lust and violence. So pack up your rod, and head on over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace, right here ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 6 from THE HEISTERS, we flash back to before the robbery, where heister Kelsey Hazard and the gang are holed up in a shitty beachside motel, and start planning the job ...


INT. MOTOR COURT CABIN - NIGHT
Ronan, Ludo and Chick look at Kelsey expectantly.
She drains her beer. Thinking.

KELSEY
It might work.
But I need to know more about the setup.
The layout. How many guards --

RONAN
Yeah, yeah -- I’m gettin’ to that.

He pulls out a piece of graph paper.
Unfolds it. Lays it down on the table.
Kelsey comes over. Looks.

RONAN
(points)
Okay. There’s three box offices,
on the east, west and north side of the stadium.
Every hour the money gets picked up
from each one and gets brought over to the south side
where the finance office is on the second floor --

KELSEY
Who delivers it?

RONAN
Pair of armed guards.
They take it down a
corridor under the stands.
Be easy to hit, but they only carry
a couple of grand each trip.
(off Kelsey’s nod)
In the finance office,
the cash is counted and put into
money boxes that go to the bank.
They’ll be finished before the concert is over
because they don’t want the armored car
to get stuck in the traffic jam
that’ll happen when everyone leaves.

KELSEY
When does it come?

RONAN
When they call for it.
And it doesn’t stay long.
Just long enough to pick up
the dough and split.
It’s flanked by two local cop cars
in front and back all the way the bank.

LUDO
He knows his shit, huh?

KELSEY
What’s the setup in the finance office?
How many guards?

RONAN
Four armed guards and six employees.
You go in through a locked door.
Knock first, and then they check
you out through a peephole.

KELSEY
And it’s gonna be mostly small bills, right?

CHICK
(nods)
We figure two big duffle bags outta handle it.

Kelsey nods. Thinking.

KELSEY
Tell me again about the gate.

RONAN
There’s three of them.
They’re old, with ornamental spikes
that go up almost to the top,
but there’s still room
for someone to climb over it.
They go over, and then unlock it and let us in.

KELSEY
What if somebody sees us?

RONAN
Already thought of that.
The east gate is where the photographers
take pictures of the losers
who wait in line all night,
and the west gate is on the main drag --
but the north gate
is across the street from the park,
which will be empty when we go in.

CHICK
He’s got it covered, doll.

KELSEY
Okay. Then what?

RONAN
We go through three locks,
and then we’re in the finance office.

Pause.

KELSEY
Is there anything going on there tonight?

RONAN
On a weeknight? Nah --

KELSEY
Then let’s do a dry run.

LUDO
Tonight? Right now?

CHICK
You got something better to do?

KELSEY
We need to make impressions of the locks.
And I want to get the feel of the place.
Sniff it out.

RONAN
Like a bloodhound, huh?

KELSEY
Nah. More like a seeing eye dog.

LUDO
How do you figure?

CHICK
'The blind leading the blind.'

KELSEY
Bingo.

Don't Get Your Wife-Beater In A Twist

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In chapter 5 from THE HEISTERS, we flash forward to where we left off after the dough from the robbery was jacked. Ringleader Kelsey Hazard goes to visit fellow heisters Ludo and Chick to give them the bad news, which they are NOT happy about ...


EXT. THE INTERNATIONAL MOTEL - DAY
A piece of shit flea bag on the wrong end of Pico.
Flags from around the world painted
on white cinder block. A real dump.

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - MORNING
Kelsey walks down the hall. Stops at a door.
Knock-knock-knocks softly. Pauses.
Then twice. Stops. Then once again.

The door opens. She goes in.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - MORNING
Shades drawn. Dark.
A smoky haze drifts in the room.

Pizza boxes and beer cans litter the joint.
Chick sits at a table playing solitaire.
Ludo motions Kelsey to come in.

LUDO
I don’t like it.
It’s too soon for us to see each other.

CHICK
(SNAPS down a card)
Don’t get your wife-beater in a twist.
Let’s hear what she has to say.
She wouldn’t have come over here
and risked everything if it wasn’t important, right?

KELSEY
No shit.
(beat)
You gotta beer?

LUDO
We drank ‘em all.

CHICK
I got -- scotch?

Kelsey nods. Chick gets up.
Goes to the mini-bar.
Pours two fingers in a glass.

Walks over to Kelsey.
Hands it to her.

KELSEY
Thanks.

She downs it. Looks at the glass. Sighs.

LUDO
So?

Pause.

KELSEY
Somebody jacked the haul.

LUDO
What the FUCK?

KELSEY
I went out for --

LUDO
You went out? You WENT OUT?
Where the FUCK did you GO?
Holy FUCKING SHIT.
What the fuck were you DOING?
How could you --

CHICK
(hisses)
HEY. Calm the FUCK down
and let her tell us what the fuck HAPPENED.

LUDO
YOU calm the fuck down, ASSHOLE.
The money’s GONE.

Kelsey sighs. Goes to the bar.
Freshens her drink. Sips it.

CHICK
But maybe we can fucking GET IT BACK
if you let her TELL US WHAT HAPPENED.
(pulls out his gun)
So shut the FUCK up
and stop acting like your version of
what you think a tough guy
is supposed to ACT like.

LUDO
What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

CHICK
It means you’re not
acting like a PROFESSIONAL.
It’s hotheads like you
that’ll get us killed, in jail, broke --
or a combination of all three.

Tears form in Ludo’s eyes.
He takes a step back.

PLOPS onto the couch.
Head in his hands.

LUDO
If I don’t get the money --
the bank’ll take the RESTAURANT.

CHICK
(looks at Kelsey)
Tony Soprano he’s not.
(beat)
So tell us what happened.

KELSEY
I was holed up with this kid
in bed for two days, since the job.
I went out for ten minutes
to get smokes and beer,
and I come back
and he’s harpooned to the bed
with a sword and the money’s gone.
(takes a sip)
That’s about it.

LUDO
SHIT.

CHICK
So it’s not a pro.

KELSEY
Nah.

CHICK
Did the kid know about the job?

KELSEY
Nah. Low-level runner
for Jimmy Two-Fingers.
NOT a player --

LUDO
Maybe Garza and Jones --

CHICK
Are you fucking KIDDING ME?
With their records?
Has to be a spurned lover,
that kind of thing.

KELSEY
(nods)
Yeah. And Ronan and I think
we should regroup and find them.

LUDO
You mean out in the open?

CHICK
You got a better idea?

LUDO
But the cop’s will be --

CHICK
Do you want to get the fucking MONEY BACK?

Ludo sighs. Puts his head in his hands. Slowly nods.

KELSEY
Then it’s settled.
Pack up your shit and let’s get going.

CHICK
Where we going?

KELSEY
Venice Motor Hotel, right at the beach.
Ronan’s got a suite.

Ludo looks up. Glaring.

LUDO
Great. I’ll be sure to pack my bathing suit.

Ace Shares

Happy Thursday, crime freaks! You say you're feeling down? Depressed? Frustrated with your drab, dull 9-5 existence? Then why not head over to the coolest crime joint and get your daily does of hardboiled violence, right here ... at That Killing Feeling?

In chapter 4 of THE HEISTERS, we flashback in time to before the heist. Kelsey Hazard meets with her fellow co-conspirators at a run-down little motel at the beach, where the gang starts to hatch their plan ...


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAWN
Titles read ‘THREE WEEKS EARLIER.’

A heart-stopping gorgeous view of the ocean.
Grey and blue waves crest into white
like knives in the bright blue sky.

The famed thoroughfare twists and turns around the coastline.
Weaves through giant rock formations as if on a dare.

ANGLE ON --
A beat-up old Toyota sedan rumbles along in the sparse traffic.

INT. TOYOTA SEDAN - DAWN
On the car stereo, the throaty devil doll menace
of Concrete Blonde’s SCENE OF A PERFECT CRIME over --

Kelsey. Behind the wheel.
Cigarette dangling on her lip.
Rakish in Ray Ban shades.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I’d been holed up in Santa Barbara
the last few months taking it easy.
Enjoying the local color.
Shellfish, the sea and sex.
(beat)
Not necessarily in that order.
(beat)
When I saw that I’d blown through
half the dough from the last job,
I knew it was time to rustle up some more scratch.
So I spread the word through the grapevine
that I was looking for some action.
Things were pretty quiet for a while,
but then I caught a break.
I got a call from one of my go-betweens
that my old pal in LA Ronan Kenny
was putting together a sweet little stadium job.
(beat)
So here I was, on my way to the City of Angels,
the land of celluloid dreams.
(beat)
Except this was no dream.
This was the real deal --
(beat)
But little did I know it would soon become a nightmare.

EXT. SURF MOTOR COURT MOTEL - DAY
A crusty, old ramshackle affair just off PCH facing the ocean.
A row of tiny, shitty cabins on each side of the office.
A sign blinks ‘No V can y’ in pale pink neon.

Kelsey’s beater pulls into the gravel lot with a CRUNCH.
She parks. Gets out. Walks over to the office.

INT. MOTEL OFFICE - DAY
A dump. A small fan tries to push around the fetid air.
The GROTESQUE CLERK, the white version of Precious,
looks up from her National Enquirer.
Shoves a Pringle’s in her gaping maw.

GROTESQUE CLERK
(shaking her head, munching)
Sorry. All full up --

KELSEY
I don’t need a room.
I’m looking for John Adam’s cabin.

GROTESQUE CLERK
(makes a face)
Another one, huh?
(off her nod)
Cabin ten. On the right, at the end.

Kelsey nods. Leaves. Grotesque watches her leave.

GROTESQUE CLERK
Guess dey’re not queers, den --

EXT. MOTOR COURT CABIN - NIGHT
A faded, peeling, shitty, tiny little ‘vacation’ home.

Kelsey walks up to the door.
KNOCK-KNOCKS on it. It OPENS.

Ronan Kenny stands there holding a beer. Big smile.

RONAN
Come on in and pull up a log.

INT. MOTOR COURT CABIN - NIGHT
A tiny, cramped space, dark with the shades drawn.
Kelsey follows Ronan in. Eyes squinting. Adjusting to the light.

Ronan looks at two MEN sitting at a small table.

RONAN
Guys, this is Kelsey. Kelsey Hazard.

KELSEY
(nods)
Gentlemen --

A large ITALIAN GUY (40’s) gives her the once-over.

ITALIAN GUY
You said she was a pro,
but you didn’t tell me she was fuckin’ HOT.

Meet LUDO DELUCA, failed restauranteur.
Expert chef. Not so expert at business.
Double chin and a belly. Salt and pepper.
But good-looking, in that mobster-looking kinda way.

KELSEY
(to Ronan, deadpan)
And you didn’t tell me Pauley Walnuts was gonna be here.

A small, thin JEWISH GUY (50’s) chuckles softly.

JEWISH GUY
Oy. And she’s a comedian.

Meet CHICK ABER, smooth-talking former con.
Now into the big scores. Dapper. Smart.
With more than a little of the Borscht Belt in him.
Smoking a cigar. Eyes crinkled with mischief.

RONAN
(to Kelsey)
The goombah on the left is Ludo DeLuca,
and the cheap, Jew-bastard on the right here is Chick Aber.

CHICK
'Jew-bastard?'
If my parents could hear you now, rest their souls.

LUDO
Don’t listen to him.
I come from a family of restauranteurs, NOT wiseguys --

Kelsey nods slowly. Appraising them. Sits on the bed.

KELSEY
Gentlemen --

Ronan walks over to her.
Hands her a bottle of beer.

KELSEY
Thanks. So tell me about the job.

He smiles.
Leans against the kitchenette counter.
Takes a pull off his longneck.
Wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

RONAN
It’s a sweet job. Easy pickings. Low risk.

LUDO
It’s a rock concert --

CHICK
A charity event --

RONAN
At UCLA. The Rose Bowl.

KELSEY
You want to knock off The Rose Bowl --

RONAN
It’s a cinch. I worked security there.
I know the layout --
the box office, security, the whole shebang.

KELSEY
But aren’t seats for that kinda thing
sold on Ticketmaster? Online?

RONAN
Usually, yes. But not this one.
It’s a special benefit for disaster relief.
The tickets are bought on-site, that day.

KELSEY
Which disaster?

RONAN
That uh, earthquake thing.

KELSEY
You’re planning on ripping off
a CHARITY FUND-RAISER?

RONAN
Well, they’ve already raised a billion dollars,
who’s gonna miss a million?

Kelsey sips her beer.

KELSEY
A million? Nice.
(thinks)
Anybody asking ace shares?

LUDO
Nope. Equal split, right down the middle.

KELSEY
Who’s bankrolling it?

RONAN
I am. The job’s THAT good.

KELSEY
That’s very generous of you.

RONAN
I’m a generous guy.

Kelsey looks at him. Narrows her eyes.

KELSEY
How many people on the job?

RONAN
We figure two more. Muscle. Drivers. So that’s six.

She nods slowly. Thinking.

RONAN
So whaddaya think?

KELSEY
What makes it low-risk?

RONAN
Well, we gotta way in.
We just need to take care of the
traffic jam afterwards so we get out.
There’s always a traffic jam at one of these things.

KELSEY
How do we get in?

RONAN
The box office is old-school. It’s got a gate.
You climb up over it and get in. Piece a cake.
(smiles)
I used to work security there --

KELSEY
So we just walk up to the box office --

RONAN
No, no, no. Here’s the beauty part.
We go in the night before.
Then wait until the morning.
The box office opens at seven,
and the concert starts at nine.
It’s one of those all-day things.
You know, like a festival.

KELSEY
I see --

RONAN
We just need help figuring out the exit strategy.

Kelsey sips her beer.
Leans back against the pillow.

A clock TICK-TICK-TICKS.
Everybody watches her. Thinking.

She sits up. Smiles.

KELSEY
Ambulance.
We rig up a fake one and rescue somebody.

Ronan, Ludo and Chick exchange glances.
Big smiles.

CHICK
The woman is a GENIUS.

KELSEY
Hey. Why do you think I make the big bucks?

Fucked-Up Daddy Fixation

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! Do you know what time it is? That's right. You guessed it. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the chicks are hot, and the action hotter, right here at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 3 of THE HEISTERS, professional thief Kelsey Hazard calls on Ronan Kenny, the guy who brought her in on the heist. She's gotta deliver the bad news that the loot was stolen while she stepped out to get supplies, and now needs his help to come up with a plan to get the money back ...


EXT. BAY STREET - NIGHT
Kelsey walks briskly to her car.
A beat-up old Dodge Dart Swinger.
Gets in. Turns on the engine.

INT. DODGE DART SWINGER - MOVING - NIGHT
Kelsey pulls away from the curb.
Drives south on Bay Street.
Pulls out her cell phone.

KELSEY (V.O.)
We all use disposable cell phones during a job.
That way there’s nothing to trace.
None of us knew where we were holed up,
but we COULD call each other.

She fingers a number. Listens.

KELSEY
Ronan, it’s me --
(listens)
Some fucked up shit just went down.
I need to see you.
(listens)
Not on the phone --
(listens)
I don’t want to take that chance.
(listens)
The Venice Motor Court. On Speedway.
(listens)
I’ll be there in ten.

She clicks the phone shut.
Turns left at the next intersection.
Heads south.

We see flashes of the beach
between the buildings as she drive.

KELSEY (V.O.)
The plan was, after the job all six us
would hole up somewhere separate
for a week or two until the heat was off.
Problem was, we did the job two days ago,
so the heat was definitely ON.

INT. VENICE MOTOR COURT HOTEL - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Kelsey walks up to a door. Knocks softly three times.
Then stops. Then once again.
The door opens. She goes in.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Your standard, bland touristy-tacky room
brought to you by the color beige.
Big painting of a ship at sea. Cliche much?

Standing in the room is RONAN KENNY (40’s),
a big, burly block of Irish Spring.
Jet-black hair frames a face
that only a boxer could love.
Crude prison tattoos dot faded grey skin.

He CRUSHES a can of beer.
Tosses it the trash can.

RONAN
I’d say it was great to see ya,
but since you’re gonna give me bad news, I dunno.

KELSEY
Tell me about it.

Kelsey sees a YOUNG BLONDE CHICK (20) sitting on the bed.

KELSEY
Who’s the frill?

RONAN
This is Becky.

BECKY
(gives a little wave)
Hey.

Meet BECKY FINE, party girl deluxe.
Your standard former cheerleader
now on a one-way bender to hitting the skids.
Puffy, red-rimmed eyes belie a soft expanse of creamy skin.

BECKY
(to Ronan)
Well, aren’t you going to introduce us?

Ronan pulls out his wallet.
Goes over. Hands her some cash.

RONAN
Why don’t you go to the supermarket
and get us some more beer?
And get some chips.
Beef jerky. That kinda shit.

BECKY
(pouts)
But the supermarket’s fifteen minutes away --

He stares at her. She stares back.
Then crumples. Gets up.
Grabs her bag.

Goes out the door.
Slams it. BANG.

KELSEY
Don’t tell me. Another boxing groupie --

RONAN
Nah. Believe it or not,
we’ve been dating a few weeks.
Got some fucked-up daddy fixation.
(motions to the table)
Enough chit-chat. What happened?

They both sit.
Kelsey pulls out her smokes.
Lights one up.

KELSEY
I went for ten minutes to get supplies,
come back, and the boy-toy is dead,
and the money -- GONE.

RONAN
Fuck --

KELSEY
Yeah.

RONAN
FUCK.

KELSEY
Uh, YEAH.

Pause.

RONAN
Whaddaya think?
Was it someone on the crew,
or an outside job?

KELSEY
I dunno --
(thinks)
Smells like a civilian.
The kid was fucking STABBED
with a samurai sword right through the neck.
He was fucking HARPOONED to the bed.

RONAN
Shit --

KELSEY
But then why would a burglar do that?
They just want to get in and out.
Must have been someone that knew him,
had a grudge --
(thinks)
Yeah. An ex-lover. A crime of passion.
And then they called the cops
so I would take the fall.
So they must have been watching us --

RONAN
Makes sense. But just to make sure,
we should check out the rest of the crew,
don’tcha think?

KELSEY
Nah. This smells like amateur hour all the way.
If one of our crew did it,
they wouldn’t have killed the kid.
No percentage in it,
would have turned the heat up to ‘high.’
We need to gather everybody up
and work on this together.
(thinks)
DeLuca and Aber are shacked up together.
I’ll get them first.
You track down Garza and Jones.

RONAN
Okay.

RONAN
(nods, then -- )
Hey. I just realized.
You counted it.
How much did we get?

KELSEY
A little over a million.

RONAN
NICE. So we each get --

He frowns.
Trying to do the math in his head.

KELSEY
About a hundred and eighty-K each.

RONAN
Shit. I could sure use a hundred and eighty-K.

KELSEY
You and me both, doll.
(beat)
But first we have to get it back --

Fuck-Buddy

Happy Tuesday, crime freaks! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, to a place where you darkest desires become sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter (no. 2) of THE HEISTERS, professional thief Kelsey Hazard returns from going to the corner store for supplies, finds her fuck-buddy dead, and the loot from her latest heist stolen ... and then suddenly has to deal with the cops ...


INT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kelsey looks, sees a YOUNG STUD (25) propped up in bed.
A long SAMURAI SWORD stuck in his neck.
Pinning him to the head board. Blood everywhere.

Must have been SOME geyser.

KELSEY
NO!

Kelsey RACES over to the closet. Opens it. Looks.
She WHEELS AROUND.

Head whipping back and forth.
In a RAGE.

KELSEY
The MONEY --

She stops. Closes her eyes.
Takes a deep breath. Opens them.
Now blazing. Full of FIRE.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Somebody’s gonna DIE.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Police. DON’T MOVE.

Kelsey turns, sees --

TWO POLICE OFFICERS
Standing in the doorway.
A GRIZZLED VET and a YOUNG ROOKIE.
Weapons drawn.

Kelsey expresses blank-faced surprise.
Rookie stares at the body.
Looks like he’s gonna puke.

KELSEY
You got here fast --

RED-FACED ROOKIE COP
What?

GRIZZLED VET COP
You called us?

KELSEY
Hell, yeah. I go down to the corner
to get beer and smokes
and I come back and my fuck-buddy’s
been skewered like a shish-ka-bob.
So I called.

She reaches for her pocket.
Red-Faced shakes his weapon.

RED-FACED ROOKIE COP
Don’t MOVE.

KELSEY
I was --
(gestures at her pocket)
Getting a cigarette?

GRIZZLED VET COP
(to Red-Faced)
Put your weapon down, Dunn.
It might go off.

He does, but still looks pissed.

Kelsey nods.
Pulls out a smoke. Lights it.

KELSEY
You think I’d kill someone
and then stick around until you got here?
(off their silence)
The bag with the receipt
is on the kitchen counter.
Two six-packs of beer,
and a carton of Marlboros.
Seventy-two bucks and change.

GRIZZLED VET COP
(to Dunn)
Go check.

Dunn nod. Goes off to the kitchen to look.

GRIZZLED VET COP
Sorry about that.
He’s new on the force.

KELSEY
Don’t worry about it.
I’d be suspicious, too.

GRIZZLED VET COP
So what was your relationship with the victim?

KELSEY
Jackie Tempel? Like I said.
He was a fuck-buddy.
Met him in a bar a couple of nights ago.
We’ve been shacked up ever since.

GRIZZLED VET COP
You live around here?

KELSEY
From New York. Here on vacation.

Dunn comes back in.
Looks sheepish. But still pissy.

DUNN
It checks out, chief.
Receipt says the purchase
was made five minutes ago.

Grizzled Vet nods.
Stares at Kelsey carefully.

GRIZZLED VET
You check the closet?
Perp could be hiding in there.

KELSEY
I checked. No one there.

GRIZZLED VET COP
(to Dunn)
Go take a look.

Dunn nods. Goes to the closet.

KELSEY
You’re wasting your time --

The rookie opens the door.
Looks down. Eyes go wide.

DUNN
Well, look at what we have HERE.
Machine guns, handguns --
a regular ARSENAL.
(turns and looks)
Cuff her, partner.
We got us a real --

Kelsey GRABS a book off the dresser.
HURLS it at Dunn’s head, CRACK.
He WHEELS BACKWARDS into the closet, THWUMP.

She WHIRLS around.
KNEES Grizzled Vet in the groin.

He doubles over in pain.
She PUNCHES him in the throat.

Grizzled HITS the floor,
GASPING for breath.

Dunn starts to get up, but Kelsey’s too fast.
She DASHES over to the closet
and KICKS him in the head.

He goes back down.
Out like a light.

Grizzled starts to get up, still wheezing.
Reaches for his piece --
but Kelsey GRABS it
and CRACKS him on the head with it. THWUMP.
He goes down for the count.

She races over to the closet.
Grabs the pistols.

Stuffs them in her pockets.
Goes to the bed table.

Grabs the kid’s cell phone.
Heads for the door.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I hate fucking up cops,
but sometimes a gal’s gotta do
what a gal’s gotta do --

The Cheap Seats

Happy Monday, crime motherfuckers! Are you ready to take another trip to the dark side? To a hardboiled pulp-noir place where violence and mayhem rule? Then strap on your favorite piece, and head on over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace, right here ... at That Killing Feeling.

I'm pleased to unveil my latest story, THE HEISTERS, and my newest character, Kelsey Hazard. Kelsey's a professional heister, a career criminal that make her living by stealing what's not hers. In this story I've decided to try something different with how the plot unfolds. Our story opens AFTER her latest heist has been completed, and then we see how things get fucked up. Then, we jump back in time to the planning of the heist, and then go back and forth in time until we catch up with the beginning of the story. It's kinda MEMENTO, kinda PULP FICTION, and all dastardly, hardboiled fun.

I hope you enjoy ...


EXT. SANTA MONICA - BAY STREET - NIGHT
A leafy side-street off the main drag.
Quiet. Bucolic. Small homes.
Some nice, some shitty.
The cheap seats. But safe.

A WOMAN (40) comes walking
toward us down the sidewalk.

Tough-looking, but very hot.
Cigarette dangling off blood-red lips.
Curves galore. Legs for days. Lips for nights.

Meet KELSEY HAZARD,
a tight, taught bundle of swagger.
Long chestnut hair tied tight in a ponytail.
Eyes flashing with that world-weary air
of someone who’s seen it all.

Several times.

She gets to the corner.
Starts walking across the street.

KELSEY (V.O.)
The job had gone well.
We’d made off with
a little over two-hundred-K.
All in all, not a bad haul.

Kelsey gets to the front door of a small MARKET.
Goes in.

INT. MARKET - NIGHT
Kelsey walks over the beer cooler.
Grabs a couple six-packs.
Takes them up to the register.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I’d been holed up for two days
with a low-level errand boy
for a local crew, and needed supplies.
(beat)
All that fucking makes a gal thirsty.

KELSEY
(to the clerk)
Can I get a carton of Marlboro one-hundreds?

The PIMPLY CLERK (20) nods.
Reaches up above for the smokes.

KELSEY (V.O.)
We’d all been laying low for a few days
after the score until the heat died down.

Pimply rings up the total.
Looks at the register.

PIMPLY CLERK
That’ll be seventy-two dollars and thirty-eight cents.

KELSEY
(gives him some cash)
Fucking cancer sticks are gonna
break the bank one of these days --

PIMPLY CLERK
(takes it)
You should smoke generics, like I do.
Much cheaper.

KELSEY
Nah. Too low rent.

He stares at her.
She grabs her bag.
Starts for the door.

PIMPLY CLERK
Hey. You forgot your change --

KELSEY
(over her shoulder)
Keep it. Get yourself something nice.
Splurge. Live a little.

And she’s gone.
Pimply watches her go.
Shakes his head.

Wow.

EXT. BAY STREET - NIGHT
We watch from the across the street
as Kelsey walks down the sidewalk with her bag.
Heels CLICK-CLICKING on the cement.

KELSEY (V.O.)
The name’s Hazard.
Kelsey Hazard. I’m a heister.
(beat)
I steal for a living. Big jobs, mostly.
Armored cars. Stadium jobs. Race tracks.
Even jacked a coin convention once.
But no banks. That shit’ll get you killed.
And besides, it’s a federal offense.
I’ll stick with the local heat, thank you.

She turns onto a driveway.
Starts walking up to a Craftsman bungalow.
Once nice, now crumbling in disrepair.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I do one or two jobs a year.
Then live off the take the rest of the time.
I plan my jobs meticulously --
and I’ve never been caught.

Kelsey opens the front door, goes in.

INT. BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dimly lit. Decor, ‘early dorm room.’
She walks through into --

KELSEY (V.O.)
I’m completely off the grid.
Have never paid taxes.

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
The kitchen, where she puts the smokes on the counter.
The beers into the fridge.

KELSEY (V.O.)
As far as Uncle Sam goes, I don’t exist --

She pulls off two cans, walks into --

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Dark, with light spilling out from an doorway at the end.
She walks toward the bedroom.

KELSEY
I’m back --
(beat)
Miss me?

Gets to the door. Starts to walk in --

KELSEY
Rested up for the next round?

She looks, sees a YOUNG STUD (25)
propped up in bed.

A long SAMURAI SWORD stuck in his neck.
Pinning him to the head board.
Blood everywhere.

Must have been SOME geyser.

KELSEY
NO!

Kelsey RACES over to the closet.
Opens it. Looks.

She WHEELS AROUND.
Head whipping back and forth.
In a RAGE.

KELSEY
The MONEY --

She stops. Closes her eyes.
Takes a deep breath. Opens them.
Now blazing. Full of FIRE.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Somebody’s gonna DIE.

Don't Ask, Don't Smell

Happy Thursday, crime busters! Are you ready for another hardboiled, pulse-pounding slice of utter mayhem and violence? Then you've come to the right place, where the chicks are hot, and the action hotter, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's final chapter of NOWHERE GIRLS, after Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation have killed evil mastermind Honey Almond in a big shootout at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, they get a phone call from The President ...


EXT. KODAK THEATER - FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Cherry and April walk out the front door.
See a SWARM of FBI agents. COPS. MEDIA.
A crowd of ONLOOKERS behind barricades.

Sunday and Max approach them with the girls.
Aura and Amber break free and RUN into Cherry’s arms.

CHERRY
My little angels --
(beat)
Was the FBI lady nice to you?

AURA
Yeah. She only said the F-word once.

SUNDAY
(turns red)
Sorry about that.
I’m -- not around kids that much.

MAX
(to April and Cherry)
Honey’s dead?

APRIL
Doornail-city.
You can send in the clean-up crew.

SUNDAY
You two should be proud.

CHERRY
Yeah, well -- it’ll be nice to go out with a bang.

MAX
Sorry?

APRIL
She wants to quit the agency.
Maybe you can help me talk her out of it.

CHERRY
There’s NOTHING anybody can say
that’s gonna change my mind.

Sunday’s phone RINGS. She answers it.

SUNDAY
Sparks here --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Clint stands, holding his cell phone. Looks out the window.

CLINT
Just got the news. Good job, Sparks.

SUNDAY
Thanks, chief.
(grins)
Oh, and by the way --
your secret’s safe with me.

CLINT
What -- secret?

SUNDAY
Your extracurricular activities?
No wonder the marriage didn’t work out.
(off his silence)
We’ve been uploading all her files.

CLINT
God-DAMMIT --

SUNDAY
Don’t worry.
I still believe in don’t ask, don’t smell.
IF I get a promotion.

CLINT
Consider it done --
(realizes)
Oh, shit.
I’ve got the President on the line.
He wants to speak to Street and Nation.

SUNDAY
Hold on. I’ll get them.

She cups the phone.
Looks at April and Cherry.

SUNDAY
I’ve got someone that wants to speak to you.

APRIL
Can you take a message?
We’re kinda wiped out from saving the free world.

SUNDAY
(shrugs, into the phone)
I’m sorry, Mr. President, but they’re tied up at the --

CHERRY
THE PRESIDENT? Gimmee that --
(GRABS the phone from Sunday)
Hello, Mr. President?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
The President lies in bed in his bathrobe.
CNN is on with the sound off.
THE FIRST LADY is next to him, fast asleep.

THE PRESIDENT
Ms. Nation? Or is this Ms. Street?

CHERRY
Cherry Nation, Mr. President.

THE PRESIDENT
Please. Call me Buck.

CHERRY
Okay, Buck --

BUCK
Can you put your sister on the phone, too?

CHERRY
Uh, yeah -- sure.
(to Cherry)
He wants to talk to you, too.

April nods. Comes over.
Puts her ear next to Cherry’s.

CHERRY
She’s here --

APRIL
Hey.

BUCK
I’d like to thank you two
for taking care of the threat
against the security of the White House --
(beat)
And I’m going to give you
The Congressional Medal of Honor.

APRIL
Really?

CHERRY
Holy SHIT. I mean -- thank you.
(beat)
Sorry --

BUCK
(laughs)
My office will call you back
and make the arrangements, okay?

CHERRY
Yes, sir, Mr. -- Buck.

BUCK
Thank you again. Have a good night.

CHERRY
Yes, sir. Thank you. Bye.

She hangs up. In awe.
Hands the phone back to Sunday.

CHERRY
They’re gonna give us
The Congressional Medal Of Honor --

APRIL
Still want to quit?

AMBER
Mommy, you CAN’T quit.
Nobody likes a QUITTER.

AURA
We need you to keep the world SAFE.

APRIL
From the mouths of babes --

Pause.

CHERRY
Alright, okay. You guys win. HAPPY NOW?
(to April)
But I’m taking A LOT of time off. Got it?

APRIL
Got it.

CHERRY
A month, at least.

APRIL
Take two --

CHERRY
You know what, I just might --
(thinks)
And I need some counseling.
I mean, we just killed our MOTHER.
That’s intense shit.
Does our medical cover that?
(off her nod)
And another thing.
I REALLY need to get laid --

Their voices fade as they continue sparring, as we --

FADE TO BLACK

Hasta La Vista, Parental Unit

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! Feeling bored? Depressed? Mad as hell, and can't take it anymore? Then why not take a little trip to the dark side, and go to a place where your most evil, hardboiled fantasies can come true ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from NOWHERE GIRL, it's the next-to-last installment ... in which Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation, high above the stage in the Kodak Theater, fight to the death their mother, evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond ...


INT. KODAK THEATER - BACKSTAGE - RAFTERS - NIGHT
Cherry and April aims their guns at Honey, hidden in the dark shadows.

CHERRY
Honey Almond,
we’ve got you SURROUNDED.

APRIL
Throw your gun down
so we can take you in peacefully.

Honey looks the shadows.
Sees April at one end.
Cherry at the other. Sighs.
Looks down. Shakes her head.

HONEY
We could have had so much fun.
Complete world domination.
A real family-run organization.
(beat)
But NO. You REJECTED me.
Your own MOTHER.

CHERRY
You don’t deserve to be called a MOTHER.
You’re a MONSTER.
You kidnapped my CHILDREN.

HONEY
Well, if you’re going to nitpick --

She starts FIRING at them.
April DUCKS, returns FIRE.

Cherry gets down, pulls out her gun.
Starts SHOOTING.

But it’s hard to see in the dark.
Bullets PING, PING, PING
off the rafters, the cement walls.

Suddenly Honey JUMPS off the platform --
and PLUMMETS down.

ON THE STAGE FLOOR
Honey lands on what we
now see is a large TRAMPOLINE.

She HITS the rubber with her feet,
and FLIES BACK UP --

FIRING both guns at Cherry and April.
They DUCK down.
Start SHOOTING back at her.

APRIL
What is this, the fucking CIRCUS?

CHERRY
Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey BUTT-FUCK.

Bullets PING-PING-PING
into the rafters as Honey SOARS.
SHOOTING both guns at them.

She reaches the top, FIRES again,
then PLUMMETS back down.

April and Cherry stop firing.
Watch her go down.

April picks up her walkie. Clicks it on.

APRIL
Cherry, pick up. I’ve got an idea.

CHERRY
(answers hers)
I’m all ears --

APRIL
You have any of those fire bombs?

CHERRY
I’ve got one left.
(realizes)
The TRAMPOLINE.

APRIL
Exactly. DO IT, NOW --

ON THE STAGE
Honey HITS the rubber again,
goes FLYING back up.

CHERRY
Pulls a small grenade-looking
steel ball out of her pocket.

HURLS it down.
It WHIZZES through the air.

HONEY
Reaches the rafters again.
Starts FIRING again.

But the girls lay low,
bracing themselves for the explosion.

HONEY
Come out, come out, wherever YOU ARE --

THE BOMB
HITS the trampoline.
It EXPLODES. BANG.

The rubber mat goes
FLYING in tiny pieces.

HONEY
Hits the top.
Begins her descent.
Looks down.

HONEY
NOT good --

She PLUMMETS,
and HITS the stage floor, SPLAT.
Lights out.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Look down at Honey’s ruined body.
Laying at an odd angle,
like a broken rag doll.

A pool of blood forms around her.

APRIL
Night, mother.

CHERRY
Hasta la vista, parental unit --

Flair For The Dramatic

Happy Tuesday, crime motherfuckers! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side. A place where your hardboiled fantasies becomes depraved acts of violence, right here, at the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter of NOWHERE GIRLS, as we continue the downward spiral toward the hair-raising conclusion of our story, agents April Street and Cherry Nation have cornered evil mastermind Honey Almond backstage at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, and prepare to fight to the death ... their mother.


INT. KODAK THEATER - BACKSTAGE CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Honey RUNS down the corridor. Stops.
Sees the backstage area. Sees something.
Gets an idea. Marches over to the rear.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Get to the backstage door.
See it’s open. Go in.

BACKSTAGE
Honey walks over to a circuit breaker.
FLICKS it off.

The area is plunged into DARKNESS

APRIL AND CHERRY
Walk down the backstage corridor.
The lights GO OFF.

APRIL
That’s her --

CHERRY
She’s close by.

APRIL
Backstage. She’s backstage.

CHERRY
How do you know that?

APRIL
Can you say 'flair for the dramatic?'

BACKSTAGE
Honey dashes over to a spiral staircase
in a dark corner. Starts climbing up.
Her boots CLICK-CLICK on the metal steps.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Enter the wings.
Walk carefully in the darkness.
April stops.

APRIL
You hear that?

CHERRY
Hear what?

APRIL
Shhh. Listen --

Click-click-click-click.

CHERRY
Footsteps.
(looks)
Up above --

APRIL
(looks, sees, points)
Over there. The spiral staircase.

They both WHIP OUT their guns.
Take aim.

CHERRY
Honey Almond, come down NOW
with your HANDS UP,
or we’ll commence FIRING.

HONEY
Stops. Looks down. Smiles.
Pulls out twin guns. Takes aim.

HONEY
Is that any way to speak to your MOTHER?

And she FIRES at them.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Duck. Bullets PING on the floor around them.
They return FIRE wildly in the direction of the shots.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

Silence.

HONEY
RACES up the steps.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Look up.

APRIL
Can’t see a thing.

CHERRY
(sees something)
Hey. I’ve got an idea.
(points)
You go up the stairs and follow her,
and I’ll go up on that
and head her off on the other side --

ANGLE ON --
A small PLATFORM ELEVATOR on wheels.

APRIL
What is it?

CHERRY
It goes up, for hanging the lights --
(off her stare)
I did summer stock theater.

APRIL
Okay. Let’s do it.

April DASHES over to the stairs.
Starts climbing up.
Cherry races over to
the mini-elevator, jumps on.

Grabs the control box.
Flips a switch --
and the platform starts rising.

UP IN THE RAFTERS
Honey walks on the runway,
hands on the railing.

APRIL
Gets to the top of the stairs.
Starts looking for Honey.

CHERRY’S
Platform reaches the top. Stops.
She carefully climbs off,
steps onto the runway at the other end.
Clicks her walkie.

CHERRY
(into the walkie)
I’m on the other side.

APRIL
(into hers)
So am I. Ready when you are --

CHERRY
Honey Almond,
we’ve got you SURROUNDED.

APRIL
Throw your gun down
so we can take you in peacefully.

Honey looks the shadows.
Sees April at one end.
Cherry at the other.

Sighs. Looks down. Shakes her head.

HONEY
We could have had so much fun.
Complete world domination.
A real family-run organization.
(beat)
But NO. You REJECTED me.
Your own MOTHER.

CHERRY
You don’t deserve to be called a MOTHER.
You’re a MONSTER.
You kidnapped my CHILDREN.

HONEY
Well, if you’re going to nitpick --

Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Happy Monday, crime-busters! Are you read to have a bad time? Ready for a hardboiled, balls-out, one-way trip to hell? Then pack up your piece and head over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace, where the drinks are cold, the chicks are hot, and the action non-stop, right here at ... That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter of NOWHERE GIRLS, as we hurtle towards the exciting conclusion ... Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation chase evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond through the Kodak Theater ... more than a bit freaked out that they are trying to kill ... their mother.


INT. KODAK THEATER - NIGHT
Cherry crawls up next to April behind the front row of seats.

CHERRY
(whispers)
Hey.

APRIL
Hey. So who’s watching the kids?

CHERRY
Believe it or not, the FBI.

APRIL
The FBI? But --

CHERRY
They’re not after us anymore.
We’re in the clear,
they’re after Honey, too,
and they’ve got the joint surrounded.
Didn’t want to ‘damage the theater,’
so WE’RE now working for THEM --

APRIL
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

CHERRY
You gotta plan?

APRIL
I’m thinking --

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey holds the shoe,
pulls back her arm like a pitcher --
and Monsterburg SNEEZES.

MONSTERBURG
A-CHOOO.

IN THE THEATER
Cherry and April’s heads WHIP
toward the sound of the noise.

CHERRY
(points)
They’re up THERE.

APRIL
C’mon, follow me --

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey SMACKS Monsterburg
on the head with the shoe, THWUMP.

MONSTERBURG
OW.

HONEY
(pulls out a gun)
IDIOT. Now they now where we ARE --

MONSTERBURG
Please don’t --

Honey FIRES.
The silencer THWIP-THWIP-THWIPS
bullets into his chest.

He looks down at the rapidly growing red stains.

MONSTERBURG
Shoot me.

HONEY
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
(beat)
Not.

And he FALLS OVER the balcony
into the theater seats.

IN THE THEATER
April and Cherry RACE
toward the stairs to the boxes.
Monsterburg’s body HITS the floor
in front of them, THWUMP.

APRIL
Whoops. No golden parachute --

And they RUN toward the entrance.

SECOND FLOOR CORRIDOR
Honey dashes out the opera box door into the corridor.
Starts RUNNING up the ramp that goes to the next floor.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Appear in the corridor a moment later.

CHERRY
Shit. Which way?

APRIL
She has to go up, WE’RE down.

Cherry nods.
They start running up the ramp.

HONEY
Hears their footsteps behind her.
DUCKS into an opera box.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Race by.

HONEY
Waits a beat.
Peers around the corner.
Sees they’re gone.

Then RACES back down the ramp to the first floor.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Get to the top of the ramp. Look around.

APRIL
Shit.

CHERRY
Fuck.

APRIL
Think, think --
(beat)
She could be hiding in the seats on this level --

CHERRY
Or she could have gone into another box --

APRIL
Nah, she’s a criminal mastermind.
She’d do something much more devious --

CHERRY
Like fake us out and go back downstairs?

APRIL
Fucking BRILLIANT --

They HIGH FIVE, and RACE back down the ramp.

INT. BOX SEATS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
Honey gets to the bottom.
Grabs the handle to the backstage door.
YANKS it. LOCKED.

Pulls out her gun.
SHOOTS the handle off.
DASHES through the door.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Run down the ramp, huffing and puffing.

CHERRY
Kinda weird that we’re chasing our mother, huh?

APRIL
Didn’t stop Oedipus --

Grand Theft Stinko

Happy Friday, crime motherfuckers! It's once again time to take a trip to a place that time forgot. A hardboiled, pulp-noir destination not for the feint of heart. A place where your darkest desires becomes random acts of unspeakable violence, right here ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from NOWHERE GIRLS, we're nearing the explosive finale, as agents April Street and Cherry Nation chase after black ops spook Honey Almond in the Kodak Theater, deep in the heart of Hollywood ...


INT. KODAK THEATER - STAIRWELL - NIGHT
Cherry RUNS up the steps.
KA-CHINKS a magazine in her UZI.

CHERRY
So help me,
if that bitch harms a hair on her HEAD --

INT. KODAK THEATER - ORCHESTRA LEVEL - AT THAT MOMENT
April lies on the floor
next to the front row of seats.

Opens her eyes.
Slowly moves up into a sitting position.
Opens her jacket --
revealing a kevlar vest
with THREE SMASHED BULLETS.

She picks them off.
Groans. Looks to her left --

APRIL
Shots came from over there --

And gets up on her knees.
Slowly looks over the seats.

INT. LUXURY OPERA BOX - AT THAT MOMENT
One of the opulent opera boxes
that flank each side of the theater
near the stage. Ornate beyond belief.

Honey and Monsterburg have taken refuge
in this particular box,
and have guns trained
on April down below.

HONEY
I got her. I saw her go down --

MONSTERBURG
But she’s not there anymore.
She moved.

HONEY
Must be wearing a vest. SHIT.

INT. KODAK THEATER - BACKSTAGE - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry RACES onto the stage.
Hides behind the curtain on the side.
Pulls out her walkie.

CHERRY
April, I’m here.
Where are you?

IN THE THEATER
April GRABS hers.
Speaks into it.

APRIL
(loud whisper)
I’m on the floor behind the first row.
Where are you?

CHERRY
On the side of the stage,
near the orchestra pit.

APRIL
Okay.
Honey’s somewhere on the opposite side.
I think she’s got someone with her.

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey and Monsterburg scan the theater.
See Cherry.

HONEY
Damn, now there’s the OTHER one --

MONSTERBURG
Why don’t we just split?

HONEY
Idiot. They’ll follow us.
And I’m NOT going to prison.
(sighs)
And then there’s the fucking FBI.
The place has gotta be swarming
with those tight-sphincter motherfuckers --

MONSTERBURG
Oh, right. They followed them HERE.

HONEY
Gee, aren’t you a smart cookie.
You get a gold star.

MONSTERBURG
Hey. There’s no reason to be nasty.

HONEY
Honey, NASTY is what’s
going to save our asses.
(thinks)
We need to distract them.
Give me one of your shoes.

MONSTERBURG
One of my shoes? Why?

HONEY
My god, are you fucking THICK.
I’m going to THROW it,
and then they’ll go in that direction.
Don’t you go to the movies?

MONSTERBURG
I, uh -- play videogames.

She stares at him.
He unties a sneaker.
Hands it to her.

MONSTERBURG
Knock yourself out.

HONEY
(takes it, smells)
Yow. Grand theft stinko --

Time To Get Scarface On Your Ass

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters! Do you know where your children are? Your parents? Your squeeze? Well, guess what? They're all right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at that Killing Feeling. Don't you think it's about time you were, too?

In today's rip-roaring chapter of your favorite spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, now that agent Cherry Nation has saved her children from the evil clutches of black ops spook Honey Almond, agent April Street chases her down for a final showdown ... at the Kodak Theater in the heart of Hollywood.


INT. TUNNEL - STAIRWELL - NIGHT
April RACES UP the stairs, two at a time. Pulls out her gun.

APRIL
Got you now, Honey ALMOND --

INT. KODAK THEATER - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Empty. Dark. Silent. A door OPENS at the side.

Honey and Monsterburg walk out to the edge of the stage.
Look out into the empty seats.

MONSTERBURG
(holds an imaginary Oscar)
I’d like to thank God, my mom, my agent --

HONEY
Stop fucking around and let’s get the fuck outta here.

April appears in the doorway.
Sees them. Aims her Uzi --

APRIL
FREEZE, BITCH.

Honey and Monsterburg turn and look. See April.

HONEY
Look what the cat dragged in --

She GRABS Monsterburg’s hand,
and they LEAP off the stage into the orchestra pit.

April RACES to the edge of the stage.
Looks down. Nothing. They’ve disappeared.

APRIL
Think you can outsmart me, HUH? Well, FUCK you.
This is your LAST CHANCE to surrender.
SHOW YOURSELF, NOW.
(listens, looks)
Okay, have it your way.
Time to get Scarface on your ass.

INT. INFIRMARY OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry sits on the bed. Aura and Amber hug her tight.

AMBER
Thanks for saving us, Mommy.

AURA
And thanks for letting me kick butt, too.

CHERRY
I’m just glad you’re okay.
They didn’t hurt you, did they?

AMBER
No --

AURA
Can we get outta here now?

CHERRY
Yeah, sure. C’mon --

She stands. Takes their hands.
They walk toward the exit --

Just as a pair of ARMED COMMANDOS appear in the doorway.

CHERRY
Oh, SHIT.

TALL ARMED COMMANDO
(over his shoulder)
We found one of them. In here --

CHERRY
Listen to me, I’ll come quietly,
but PLEASE don’t hurt my children.

The commandos step back.
In walks Sunday and Max.

MAX
There she is. Cherry Nation. A living legend.

SUNDAY
West coast bureau chief
and special agent Sunday Sparks,
at your service.

CHERRY
Wait a minute. I’m not under arrest?

MAX
(shakes his head)
You and your sister have been cleared of all charges.

SUNDAY
And in fact, we’re here to help you.

CHERRY
Cool --

MAX
Quite the carnage out there,
but no Honey Almond --

SUNDAY
Do you know where she is?

CHERRY
Being chased by my sister.
(looks at her watch)
I give her -- about five minutes to live.

MAX
Well, don’t you think you should go help her,
increase the odds?

CHERRY
Sure. Can you guys back me up?

SUNDAY
We’ve been discussing that,
and the problem is we’re afraid
if we shoot up the Kodak Theater,
it’ll be bad PR for the agency.

MAX
We thought you two could
take her out in a surgical strike.

CHERRY
But what about my children?

MAX
We can watch them.
Sunday here is GREAT with kids --
(looks at her)
Right?

PUSH IN ON Sunday’s face.
Trying to hide her disgust.

SUNDAY
Uh, yeah. Sure --

INT. KODAK THEATER - ORCHESTRA LEVEL - AT THAT MOMENT
April walks along the front row.
Sweeping her gun in an arc across the seats.
Eyes moving, looking --

APRIL
You can run, but you can’t HIDE --

He walkie talkie SQUAWKS.

CHERRY (O.C.)
April, you there?

April GRABS it. Holds it to her mouth. Speaks softly.

APRIL
Yeah. You get the kids?

CHERRY (O.C.)
Yeah. They’re safe. Where are you?

APRIL
Believe it or not, I’m in the Kodak Theater.

CHERRY (O.C.)
Gotcha. You get Honey?

APRIL
She’s here, but she’s hiding.
Can you join me?

CHERRY (O.C.)
Is Glen Beck a crybaby?

Bullets RIP into April’s STOMACH.
BANG. BANG. BANG.

She FLIES backwards.
OOF. HITS the floor.

APRIL
UH --

CHERRY (O.C.)
April? You okay? What’s going on?
(listens)
SHIT. Hang ON, I’m ON MY WAY.