It's Tuesday, crime scenesters. Do you know where your children are? Or your parents? How about your wayward spouse? Don't look now, but if you're not careful, you might just find them right here, indulging in That Killing Feeling ...
Screened one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life last night. Godammit, was that a waste of time. How did this piece of shit get made? CUT OFF, starring a bunch unknowns, and featuring in 'Pay My Mortgage' rolls, Malcolm McDowell and Faye Dunaway (looking positively skeletal). Great premise,. completely wasted. An heiress gets cut off by her father, and must suddenly fend for herself to pay the bills. So what does she do? She and her pot smoking boyfriend decide to rob a check cashing joint, but it goes horribly wrong ... and they go on the lam in ... an ambulance ... where they spend 90 per cent of the movie. A horrible, horribe train wreck. Character actors like James Russo and James Edson are completely waisted in a tidal wave of fart jokes, cops drinking and drugging jokes, cops eating jokes, bad rap jokes ... I mean, this was an unbelievable bad, bad, bucket of swill. And I watched the whole fucking thing, fascinated. Because if this log of shit can get made, so can my fucking movies. My god. I'm getting upset all over again. (Calm down, Carole.) Two thumbs WAY down ... in the toilet.
Onto t0day's explosive episode from NOWHERE GIRL. There's too much going on here to summarize ... so let's just say that bad guys get shot, hot chicks escape, and things get blown the fuck up ...
INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - NIGHT
April and Cherry point guns at each other. In shock.
THAT’S why I hate your guts.
And that’s why I hate YOURS.
My sister, the spy.
My sister, the --
(appraises her outfit)
Exotic dancer. Soon to be former.
The girls are GRABBED FROM BEHIND.
Saad has Cherry in a choke-hold.
Mohammed THROWS April to the floor.
Both aims Uzis at their heads.
Don’t move or I’LL SHOOT.
Go ahead. Give me REASON.
American women TALK TO MUCH.
Take them downstairs and shoot them.
MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Put your HANDS IN THE AIR!
In bomb squad gear comes into the room,
assault rifle aloft.
The LCD reads 3:45.
Looks at the Fed.
Don’t shoot! This is a nuclear device.
Step away from case. NOW.
Put your gun down or I shoot THE WOMAN!
Put down or we SHOOT!
The Fed SHOOTS Renny.
He HITS the floor.
What are you DOING?
He was DISARMING IT.
Two more FEDS in bomb squad gear BURST IN
from the kitchen and start SHOOTING.
Saad’s and Mohammed’s heads EXPLODE.
Ladies, outside, NOW.
April and Cherry exchange glances.
What’s going on here?
They WANT the nuke to go off?
I said NOW.
Cherry GRABS the case with the money,
and they start RUNNING.
The LCD reads 2:25.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Two Feds in protective gear with helmets
stand in front of bomb squad truck.
They start walking toward Cherry and April.
I don’t trust them.
Let’s kick their ass.
INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - NIGHT
Lark takes a sip of her water bottle.
Touches her headset.
But I don’t understand.
You WANT it to go off?
But what about -- collateral damage?
INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - NIGHT
Sledge Crafton stands at the bar. Mixing a cocktail.
Speaking on his hands-free.
Too many people know. It’s a big mess.
Better to start again with a clean slate.
And it’s not a real nuke,
it’s an old Russian piece of shit
pipe bomb with a timer, that’s all.
We’ll find some patsy and nail it on them,
like we did in Oklahoma City.
He leans down over the bar.
SNORTS a line of coke.
But what about April Street --
and the other girl?
They’re being evacuated.
I have special plans for THEM.
Don’t tell me your getting soft on me.
You’re one of the best moles I’ve ever had.
I’d hate to have to retire you, too.
But what about the agents on-site?
They don’t know the bomb is live.
Like you said, collateral damage.
INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April wear bomb squad gear with helmets.
April GUNS the engine.
The vehicle starts moving.
Go, go, go --
We’re OUTTA HERE.
EXT. QUEENS ROAD - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The truck ROARS down the road.
INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
April shakes her head slowly. Thinking.
Something’s not right.
They were acting like they WANTED
the nuke to go off.
Unless they weren’t told it was live.
Why would the agency do that?
I don’t know, unless --
An earth-shattering EXPLOSION rocks the truck.
April stops. She and Cherry poke their heads out their windows, look.
A MASSIVE FIREBALL ERUPTS in the sky.
Continues on down Queens Road.
That was no nuke.
Crafton was ripping off the terrorists.
Why am I not surprised?
So where are we going?
We’re gonna pay him a little visit.
(turns her head)
Hey. You okay back there?
Sticks his head out from the rear.
Well, let’s see.
I’ve lost a lot of blood,
I’m dizzy from hunger,
and I just shit my pants.
I’m having a ball.