Weapons Of Mass Distortion

Happy Friday, crime busters. Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Are you hot and bothered? Hot under the collar? Feel like life has give you a bum steer? Well, then you've come to the right place ... That Killing Feeling.

Had some nasty computer problems today, so I'm gonna skip the film review. Made the mistake of downloading 'new updates', which included Microsoft Internet Explorer 8. Which totally FUCKED ME. Installed Windows 2007, which fucking SUCKS. But to make matters worse, this new version of the Explorer does not allow me to copy and paste from another document into this blog. ARRRRRGH. F-you, Bill Gates.

Okay. I'll calm down now ...


Onto today's sequence from HIT & HOT HOLIDAY, and this one's a doozy. Things are really heating up for disgruntled screenwriter Friday Foster. She's just lost everything, and now her car has been reposessed.

So what's a girl to do?


How about steal a new set of wheels ...


EXT. TINY BUNGALOW - DAY
Friday RACES OUT the door t0 --


THE BACK ALLEY
But Carrie's gone. Friday grimaces.
Squeezes her eyes shut.


A car motor ROARS to life.


CARRIE
My CAR?


She turns, RUNS around to --


THE DRIVEWAY
Where a 1971 Dodge Dart Swinger sits idling.


A BEEFY ASIAN GUY
Sits behind the wheel.
GUNNING the engine.


FRIDAY
(knocks on the window)
Hey! That's MY car.
What the FUCK do you think you're DOING?


The window slides down a couple inches.


BEEFY ASIAN GUY
It's the bank's car now.


FRIDAY
But I sent my last payment --
Listen, you gotta help me,
I put a three-thousand dollar sound system in there --


BEEFY ASIAN GUY
Material possessions are not the answer.
(shifts the car into gear)
Later, Grasshopper.


Music ROARS to life.
He PEELS OUT in a crunch of gravel.


Friday STOMPS her foot. SCREAMS.
WHIRLS around. SCREAMS again.


A car HONKS out in the alley.


Friday stops. Cocks her head.
Listens.


She walks over to --


EXT. VENICE APARTMENT BUILDING - BACK ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
A pizza delivery CAR idles. A crappy, late-model Nissan Sentra
with a cardboard triangular sign on top.


FRIDAY
Shudders. Something goes through her.

She tip-toes up to the car. Empty.
The door's ajar. She looks around. No one. Huh.


And, faster than you can say pepperoni,
she JUMPS IN, JERKS it into drive --
and TAKES OFF.


Just then, BLAND LOOSENER (27) appears.
Six feet of corn-fed muscle.
Spiky Mowhawk. Combat fatigues.
Toking on a fattie.

He nodes to the music on his headphones.
Takes a hit. Smiles.


BLAND
Nice. Weapons of mass distortion --
(looks around)
My CAR. My fucking CAR!
Somebody stole my fucking CAR!


EXT. VENICE ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
Friday barrels down the alley in her newly-stolen wheels.
Right behind the boardwalk, behind the shopes and the drunks.


FRIDAY
Thirty minutes or LESS.
Or we take your fucking CAR!

The Days Of Wine And Handcuffs

Happy Thursday, crime buffs. Gotta fresh, new story for you. All about a 9-to-5'er, a struggling writer who gets fucked by the man, and then loses everything. So what does she do? She gets revenge, of course ... and goes on a HIT & RUN HOLIDAY ...

Screened a strange one last night. FINAL DESTINATION 2, starring a cast of unknowns (at least to me; I don't watch TV). I would never normally see a piece of studio crap like this, but I'm doing research for a book adapation I'm doing ... a mainstream thriller. The shocks were great, and the deaths were really inventive, but the plot had more holes in it than Bonnie and Clyde after being shot up by the law. And the characters couldn't have been more one-dimensional and bland. But, it made a lot of money. I guess the trick for me is find a story this tight, and thrills this big ... but then write it WELL, fill the plot holes, and add great dialogue and full-blooded characters. Not a fan. One gun, half-way up.

Onto today's joint from HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, where we're setting the scene for things to come. In today's chapter, unemployed screenwriter Friday Foster loses her job, her water, power, phone, friends and family ... her bank account is overdrawn, and she's being evicted. And she's losing her girl.

I'll leave it to you to guess how much of this story is autobiographical ...


EXT. TINY HOUSE - ALLEY - MORNING
Friday walks around the side of the house.
Sees a GRINNING DWP TECHNICIAN
and a SURLY GAS COMPANY GUY.

Grinning holds a large wrench.
Surly examines his clipboard.

FRIDAY
What the fuck is going on?

GRINNING DWP TECHNICIAN
No pay bill-ey, no juice-ey.

FRIDAY
But I, I --

SURLY GAS COMPANY GUY
No cash, no gash.
Lucky for you it’s not winter.

FRIDAY
Wait, wait. I’ll give you some money --

GRINNING DWP TECHNICIAN
Sorry.

SURLY GAS COMPANY GUY
Tell you what you CAN give us --

Surly GRABS his crotch.

GRINNING DWP TECHNICIAN
Yeah, how ‘bout it? You an’ me --

FRIDAY
Get the fuck OUT OF HERE! ASSHOLES!

They saunter off. Whistling. Snickering.
Carrie fumes. Heads back around to the front where --

She sees Manny McClugg (70’s).
Tall, whisper-thin. Bulging eyes.
Matted hair like white flakes on his misshapen head.

The LANDLORD.

FRIDAY (CONT’D)
Manny.

MANNY
Hello, Friday.
(beat)
I’m sorry,
but if I don’t have the rent by tomorrow,
you have to leave.
I’m tired of waiting.
You’re four months late.
I can’t carry you any more.

FRIDAY
But, Manny, like I told you, I’ve got a --

MANNY
I’ve had enough of your stories, Friday.
That’s it. I’ve had it. You have until tomorrow.
(weird smile)
Until then.

And he slithers away.

FRIDAY
Stupid old fuck.

She goes to the letter box.
Grabs her mail.

INSIDE THE HOUSE
Friday sits on the couch,
FLIPS through envelopes.

RIPS them open, one by one --

A BILL
from the phone company.
HOW TO RECONNECT YOUR SERVICE.

A SUMMONS
reads NOTICE OF EVICTION.

A BANK SLIP
in red letters.
OVERDRAWN ACCOUNT.

A MOVIE STUDIO
letter reads ‘Screenplay ... rejected ... ‘

AN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY
letter reads ‘Position terminated.’

A LETTER HOME
with a hand-written scrawl.
ADDRESSEE UNKNOWN.

FRIDAY
whimpers.

THROWS the letter in the air like confetti.

Carrie walks in. Dressed.

FRIDAY (CONT’D)
Where are you going?
What about breakfast?

CARRIE
I’m covered in soap.
I’m going home to take a real shower.

FRIDAY
Please don’t go.
Everything is --

CARRIE
Everything is WHAT.

FRIDAY
Fucked up. Everything is -- fucked up.
My water and power got shut off --

CARRIE
Great time to quit your job --

FRIDAY
I told you, it was HELL.
That little fuck worked me to the BONE.
I couldn’t take it any more.
Please stay. Please.

CARRIE
Stay? For WHAT?
More TORTURE?
You fucking you TIED ME to the bed,
dripped CANDLE WAX on my boobs --

FRIDAY
I got -- carried away, okay?
We were just playing --

CARRIE
Playing? Playing WHAT?
Guantanamo baby?

FRIDAY
Silk scarves, Carrie.
They were SILK SCARVES.
I’d never hurt you.

CARRIE
HURT ME?
How about making me COME?
I never fucking CAME,
because YOU were fucking JACK DANIELS,
and then PASSED OUT.

FRIDAY
I had a couple of COCKTAILS, okay?
We BOTH did, talk about the pot calling the kettle --

CARRIE
The DIFFERENCE is,
I can HOLD my liquor,
so I don’t fucking PASS OUT while I’m FUCKING.

FRIDAY
After -- what happened at White Line,
I haven’t -- been myself.

CARRIE
Excuses, excuses.
That was weeks ago.
I just got SUSPENDED,
but you don’t see ME
living The Days of Wine and Handcuffs.
(goes to the door)
Later. Much.

And she’s gone.

FRIDAY
NO!

Viva La Revolution, Media Whores

Another 'hump day.' A day where all you 9-to-5 cubicle kids sit and dream about the weekend. Well, why not come with me to a place where you can forget your cares? Forget your asshole boss. Your cheating spouse. Where you can have That Killing Feeling ...

Screened a real winner last night. FROM HELL, starring Johnny Depp, Heather Graham, and Sir Ian Holm -- and directed by the Hughes brothers, taking a well-deserved break from the 'urban action' genre. I don't know why I didn't see it when it came out, cause this film was freaking awesome. Great, revisionist take on the Jack The Ripper legend. Depp is awesome, as usual, as an opium-smoking, absinthe-drinking police inspector. (Think he enjoyed the research much?) And Graham, wonderful as a whore. I don't want to give away any of the story, because it's that good. Just know that it's state-of-the art filmmaking, on location in the UK. Bloody, violent, scary, riveting stuff. See it if you haven't. Two big opium pipes up!

It's a big day, crime scenesters, because I'm unveiling a new story for ya. HIT & RUN HOLIDAY is based on my years working as a slave at New Line Cinema ... a place where they encouraged the employees to write screenplays. And sometimes they even bought them. But that turned out to be a myth, and I spent four years there trying to get my work readm without success. So, I wondered what would happen if a screenwriter GOT their big deal there ... and then had the rug ripped out from under them. What would they do?

Well, under the right set of circumstances, when the planets align in a certain way ...

They just might want to get revenge.

Enter Friday Foster. Disgruntled screenwriter. About to lose everything.

Who then goes on a vendetta ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
An airbrushed, glorious edifice to wealth.
To protect and spend.

Palm trees rustle in the breeze like the icons they are.
A bright, gorgeous, glistening day in paradise.

But right now it’s a MADHOUSE.
A throng of MEDIA, PAPARAZZI, SPECTATORS
behind police barricades clamor for a view.
COPS in riot gear PUSH them back.
A CHOPPER WHIRS overhead.

CROWD
Free Friday! Free Friday! Free Friday!

A GRIM, SHELLACKED REPORTER
takes position in front of a CREW.

CAMERAMAN focuses on her.
A STYLIST fixes her hair.

SHELLACKED REPORTER
(to the cameraman)
Hurry it the fuck up, Dex!
She’ll be here ANY MINUTE.

DEX
Take another med, Cherry.
We’ve got time.

CHERRY
(holds up I-pod)
Oh, yeah?

ON THE TINY SCREEN
we see shaky, hand-held footage.

A POLICE SUV winds its way
down Santa Monica Boulevard,
trailed by POLICE CRUISERS.
NEWS VANS.
A MOB on foot, running, shouting.

CHERRY’S
eyes BLAZE. Blood vessels about to burst.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
AZT got ‘em four blocks away!
This is MY FUCKING STORY. LET’S GO --

DEX
And -- ROLLING.

ON THE MONITOR
Cherry cocks her head. Wets her lips.

CHERRY
This is Cherry Blazer, Action Network News.
We’re here in front the tony environs
of Beverly Hills police headquarters,
where Friday Foster is about to arrive --

The SUV comes into view.
Slowly pushes through the crowd.
Pandemonium ERUPTS.
SCREAMING. SHOUTING. PUSHING.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
And you’re here with me on the scene! C’mon!

Cherry and the crew PUSH their way
through the crowd to the motorcade.
The rear door of the SUV FLIES OPEN.

Out steps --
FRIDAY FOSTER (27).
Pixie, choppy blonde.
Bruised and bloodied.
Smeared makeup.

Still quite cute.
Despite the manacles and restraints.
Tired eyes blink in the sunlight.

GREASY PONYTAILED PAPARAZZI
Friday, over HERE. Smile for ze CAMERA!

RUSSIAN PAPARAZZI (O.C.)
Friday, give smile!

EURO PAPARAZZI (O.C.)
Hey, Friday, bonus points if I pee my pants?

GAWKER (O.C.)
Friday is the new Britney!

CHERRY
(SHOVES microphone in her face)
Cherry Blazer, Action Network News!
Friday, how do you feel? Are you okay?
Have the police been mistreating you?

FRIDAY
(raises handcuffed wrists)
Viva la REVOLUTION, media WHORES!

EXT. VENICE ALLEY - TINY HOUSE - MORNING
Titles read ‘24 HOURS EARLIER.’
A tiny, wooden house behind a bungalow in the rear alley.
Tiny living room. Tinier bedroom. Kitchenette. Bathroomette.

INT. TINY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Cozy but cramped. Movie posters. Scripts piled everywhere.

A lovely young WOMAN (27) sits on the couch with a LAPTOP.
We recognize her as FRIDAY FOSTER.
But she looks almost glamorous.

Her hair is long, a frosted light brunette.
Fetching in black capris and a tiny top.
Right now she’s deep in thought.
Smoking. Conjuring.

ON THE LAPTOP
we see what she’s working on --

FELINA
(aims her weapon)
So many men --

BANG! BANG! BANG!

FELINA (CONT'D)
So few bullets in a gun.

FRIDAY
smiles. Nice.
She takes a sip of coffee.

IN THE BATHROOM
A WOMAN is taking a shower.

Meet CARRIE LOVE (29), comely, fit.
Legs for days. And nights.
You’d never guess from those dangerous curves that she’s a cop.
Slippery when wet, indeed.
Right now she’s rubbing a loofah sponge in exciting places.
Intense. SCRUBBING like her life depended on it.

CARRIE
Fucking wax --

IN THE LIVING ROOM
the power CUTS OFF.

FRIDAY
Shit.

IN THE BATHROOM
the water STOPS.

CARRIE
HEY.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Friday gets up.
Shouts toward the bathroom.

FRIDAY
Blew a fuse! Be right back!

Carrie comes into the room wrapped in a towel.
Covered in suds. Royally pissed.

CARRIE
What happened to the fucking water?!

FRIDAY
Don’t know. I’ll go check.
Keep your shirt on.

CARRIE
You’re a goddamn laugh riot.

All In The Family

Hello, Ruby Tuesday ... will they hang a noose on you? Feeling full of despair? A little angry? Violent? Well, then you've come to the right place, crime scenesters. Come on in from the cold, and experience the white-hot heat of THAT KILLING FEELING ...

Screened a classic RKO Pictures film noir last night. CROSSFIRE, with the three Roberts. Mitchum, Ryan and Young. Great, gritty crime story about soldiers after WWII, now home, full of anger, booze ... and anger. Seems that one of them is an anti-Semite, and has murdered a Jewish guy ... just because he's Jewish. Way ahead of it's time in tackling this issue -- and it was before GENTLEMAN'S AGREEMENT with Gregory Peck. A classic policie procedural, eons before CSI. Check out this classic if you haven't yet. Two fedoras WAY up ...

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL. Yes, kids, it's the explosive finale to our story ... where Cherry Nation and April Street have their final showdown ...

With their darling daddy.

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - NIGHT
A wave of water CRASHES into Sledge’s office.

SLEDGE
What the fuck?

He JUMPS up on his desk.
Pulls out his Browning 9mm.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Appear in the doorway. Wet.
Weapons aimed.

APRIL
Drop the gun, Father.
We’re taking you in.

Sledge looks at the girls.
Tears in his eyes.

SLEDGE
You girls really make me proud.

He puts the gun in his mouth.
And BLOWS HIS HEAD OFF --
BANG.

Brains and blood SPRAY the window behind him.
His body CRUMPLES to a heap on the desk.

CHERRY
Holy shit.

APRIL
I know.

CHERRY
Holy shit.

APRIL
I know.
(beat)
Holy shit.

DONNER
Appears in the doorway.

DONNER
What the -- ?

Cherry FLIPS UP her Glock
and BLASTS Donner in the forehead.
Red dot like a third eye.
She FALLS OVER, THUMP.

APRIL
Nice shot.

CHERRY
Thanks.
I’m really starting to groove on this spy shit.

APRIL
Hey. All in the family.

EXT./INT. MINI COOPER - MOVING - MOMENTS LATER
The girls cruise down Hollywood Boulevard.
Pass Grauman’s Chinese Theater,
the wind whipping their hair.

CHERRY
Goddammit. My adrenaline is still pumping.

APRIL
Kinda cool, huh. Welcome to the club.

CHERRY
Does Interpol have any openings?

APRIL
Are you kidding?
When I tell them I have a twin, they’ll shit bricks.
You’re In Like Flynt, Agent Nation.

CHERRY
Agent Nation. I like the sound of that.
Got a nice ring to it.
(beat)
So what are you gonna do with your half-million?

APRIL
My --

CHERRY
Half of the money. In the attache case.
It’s in the trunk.

April shoots her a look. Beams.

APRIL
Let’s go grab some breakfast.
My treat. I’m fucking starving.

FADE TO BLACK

OVER CLOSING CREDITS:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - PODIUM - DAY
Cherry and April are given duplicate keys to the city by the mayor.
Flashbulbs POP. The CROWD cheers.

INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Cherry and Peeler drink champagne by candlelight.
He takes her hand. Kisses it.

CAMERA PANS OVER
to where CHERRY’S DAUGHTERS are sitting.
They start GIGGLING.

EXT. TARGET RANGE - DAY
April takes aim at a target.
BLASTS OFF a ROUND OF SHOTS.

ANGLE ON --
THE TARGET
With a perfect circular ring of bullet holes around the head.

APRIL
Hands the gun to Cherry.

CHERRY
Takes aim. FIRES off another ROUND OF SHOTS.

ANGLE ON --
THE TARGET
The ring of bullet holes now has a smiley face.

EXT. EGYPT - THE PYRAMIDS - NIGHT
April and Cherry chase two BAD GUYS up the steep incline.

EXT. PARIS - THE EIFFEL TOWER - NIGHT
April hangs over the railing with one hand,
pelted by rain, the wind whipping in her hair.
GUN SHOTS fire over her head.

Cherry leans down, pulls her up.
SLAPS a gun in April’s hand.
They SPIN AROUND,
and SHOOT a DOZEN ATTACKERS, killing them.

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - DAY
April and Cherry sit in chairs across from the PRESIDENT.
Cherry says something. Then April.

The President raises his eyebrows.
Picks up the phone. And starts dialing ...

FADE TO BLACK

[ Stay tuned tomorrow ... for the start of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY ... ]

Ashes To Ashes

Monday, Monday. Time to go back to your dreary, meaningless little lives. What's a girl -- or guy -- to do? How about taking at trip to the dark side? To a place where the girls are hot, the guns are hotter, and the action is never-ending ... where you can have THAT KILLING FEELING ...

Screened another classic from Clint last night. TIGHTROPE. Not one of his best, as he didn't direct it, but it's still a doozy. Clint plays a cop who likes to take a walk on the wild side. A kinky little bastard. Problem is, some of the girls he meets during his midnight liasons start turning up dead, offed by a particularly brutal serial killer. Big problem with the story though at the mid-point, because it at first seems that the killer is framing Clint for the murders ... but that plotline just kinda goes away after awhile ... and it just become a routine 'solve the clues, chase the killer' kinda story. Average storyline at best. But what makes this one a real sleeper is seeing Clint get so dark. Hand cuffs. A whip. Nasty stuff. Not for the faint of heart. One and a half paddles up, kinky bastards!

Onto today's scenario from NOWHERE GIRL, and we're in the thick of it ... in the middle of the exciting conclusion. When we last left them, Interpol agent April Street and stripper Cherry nation are trapped in an interrogation room at Sledge Crafton's secret lair ... which is rapidly filling up with water ...

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT
The window shade CLOSES.
Water starts GUSHING down
from a row of pipes in the ceiling.

CHERRY
What the fuck?

APRIL
Stand back!

April raises her Sig Sauer.
SHOOTS at the door.
The bullets FLY OFF and RICOCHET around the room.

Cherry aims at the window.
SHOOTS a SPRAY OF BULLETS at it.
They, too BOUNCE of the glass and RICOCHET.

The water swirls around,
now reaching up to their knees.

APRIL (CONT’D)
The CEILING.
Let’s see if we can blow a HOLE in it!

CHERRY
Let’s DO IT.

The girls raise their weapons.
Start FIRING at the ceiling.
Chunks of cement start FLYING off.

April shields her eyes with her forearm.
So does Cherry.

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Crafton sits at his desk.
Looks out the window. Pensive.
He leans over. Hits a button on his speakerphone.

SLEDGE
Donner.

DONNER (O.C.)
(electronic)
Yes, chief.

SLEDGE
I’m going to go home in a few minutes
and get some shut-eye.
These all-nighters are killing me.
I’m not getting any younger.

DONNER (O.C.)
Would you care for some company?

SLEDGE
That would be nice.

DONNER (O.C.)
Just give me a few minutes.
(beat)
I’m sorry about the girls.

SLEDGE
So am I, Donner. So am I.
(beat)
Please do me a favor and never mention them again.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The water is now up their waists.
The girls have now blown out a nice-sized hole
in the ceiling about six-inches deep.

APRIL
This isn’t gonna work.
We’re gonna have think of something else.

CHERRY
Let me get up on your shoulders.
Maybe it’s not that thick.

APRIL
Okay.

April cups her hands.
Cherry climbs up April.
Stands on her shoulders.
Pushes the ceiling where they’ve shot it out.
Nothing.

CHERRY
Shit! We’re gonna DIE!

APRIL
Don’t EVER say that.
We’re NOT gonna die.

Cherry JUMPS down.
Hits the water with a SPLASH.

CHERRY
Then tell me,
what THE FUCK are we GONNA DO?

She BURSTS into tears.
April GRABS her. Hugs her.

APRIL
Shhhhh, it’s okay --
I’m gonna figure something out.

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Sledge holds an old, dog-eared Polaroid in his hand.
A tear streaks down his cheek.

CLOSE ON --
The photograph.
We see two three-year-old little girls.
Gorgeous. Happy. Smiling.

APRIL and ABBY.

SLEDGE
Pulls out a cigarette lighter.
Sets it on FIRE.
Tosses it in the ashtray on his desk.

SLEDGE
Ashes to ashes --

He wipes his cheek.
Pours a shot of something brown.
Downs it. Punches on the speakerphone.

SLEDGE (CONT’D)
You about ready, Donner?

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
The water has reached the girl’s necks.
Pretty soon they’re gonna have to start treading water.

CHERRY
I don’t CARE if it’s DANGEROUS.
Let’s fucking DO IT.

APRIL
Okay.
(beat)
One last thing.
In case we -- don’t make it out of this --
I just want you to know that I’m proud
to have you as a sister.
(beat)
You can really kick ass.

CHERRY
(smiles, teary-eyed)
You, too -- sis.
(beat)
I mean -- I’m proud, too.

They hug.
April pulls away.
Holds up a GRENADE.

APRIL
Okay -- here’s the plan.
It explodes in three seconds.
We’re gonna go to the wall opposite the window.
I’m gonna pull the pin and count ONE, TWO --
and then THROW IT at the window --
then we dive down to the bottom and hold our breath.
The water might just shield us from the blast.

CHERRY
Let’s DO IT.

APRIL
Okay.

They slog through the water to the opposite wall.
April holds up the grenade.
Looks at Cherry, who nods --

April
PULLS THE PIN.

APRIL (CONT’D)
ONE, TWO --

And HURLS it at the window.
They DIVE.

UNDER WATER
The girls swim to the bottom.

THE WINDOW
EXPLODES in a million pieces.
Torrents of water start GUSHING through the opening.

UNDER WATER
The explosion ROCKS the girls against the wall.

Can't Blame A Guy For Trying

Ah, Sunday. A day of worship. Chores. Contract killings. So take a break. Come with me on a ride to the dark side, with the hardboiled action thriller moves of NOWHERE GIRL ...

Screened a real classic last night. My man Clint in PLAY MISTY FOR ME, with Jessica Walter and Donna Mills (who was fun to see again now that I know she's a big lesbo.) Clint's directorial debut is a masterpiece of a shocker-thriller. The first 'pyscho bitch' stalker flick. Learned a great factoid today from a Facebook buddy who told me that Clint had the director Don Siegel on set in case he got into any problems. He didn't have any, so he cast Don as the bartender. A great, great movie. Still exciting, still creepy, still awesome. Two 357 Magnums WAY up.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, and we're nearing the final, explosive conclusion. April and Cherry, captured by Sledge Crafton, learn a SHOCKING secret about their 'relationship' ...

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

The girls sit down. Cherry looks at April nervously.

SLEDGE
In the early eighties,
I was missing in action in Nicaragua --
and during this period of time my CRAZY BITCH
of a wife put our lovely two daughters up for adoption --
after she ran off to the UK with a rock star.
(beat)
Those were heady times.
It was pre-AIDS, ecstacy was legal --

APRIL
What’s with the life story?
Get to the fucking POINT.

SLEDGE
The point?
You want me to GET TO THE POINT?
(beat)
Well, like I SAID --
my wife put our lovely young daughters up for adoption.
Such a sad fate for two little four-year-old girls.
How tragic would it be if they were separated?

April and Cherry exchange glances.
What the fuck?

SLEDGE (CONT'D)
You know the rest of the story --
because you’ve LIVED it.
(beat)
That’s right -- I’m your FATHER.
I scoured the globe for years tracking you down.
Of course I was incredibly happy to discover
that my little April had become an agent for Interpol.
That little apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
But, however, I was dismayed to discover
that my little Abby had changed her name to CHERRY,
and had become a PORN STAR
and then a STRIPPER.
To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.
(beat)
Then I decided to find a way
in which I could get you two back together --
in my loving arms.
(beat)
This whole thing has been A TEST.
A MILITARY EXERCISE.
And you both passed --
with FLYING COLORS.
(to April)
I had a hunch -- and I was right --
that if you took Abby under your wing,
she’d grow some balls.

CHERRY
My name is CHERRY, not Abby.

APRIL
You fucking SLEPT with me,
you -- MONSTER.

SLEDGE
A momentary lapse, I’m afraid.
(beat)
You ARE the spitting image of your mother.

April LEAPS up. SLAPS the window.

APRIL
What THE FUCK do you want from us?

SLEDGE
(strange smile)
What any father wants from his darling daughters.
I’ve created a nice little empire, you know.
I’d like you to come work with me --
and live with me.
(beat)
Imagine the possibilities.
(low)
Come to Poppa.

April POUNDS on the window.
Cherry watches, in shock.

APRIL
You’re the most depraved human being I’ve ever MET.
We wouldn’t work for you if you were the last person ON EARTH.
(beat)
Daddy.

CHERRY
YEAH.
So why don’t you go FUCK YOURSELF and DIE.

Crafton shakes his head slowly.

SLEDGE
I was hopping you wouldn’t say that.
Can’t blame a guy for trying.

He takes out his cell.
Mumbles something.
Hangs up.

SLEDGE (CONT’D)
My heart -- is broken.

The window shade CLOSES.
Water starts GUSHING down
from a row of pipes in the ceiling.

DRENCHING Cherry and April.

What Is This, Austin Powers?

Happy Saturdaze, crime chuckleheads ... are you ready for the weak-end? Are you ready for some balls-out, hardboiled pulp crime drama? Then put on your best duds, pack some extra smokes, fill up your flask ... and get ready for your date with NOWHERE GIRL.

Screened a nifty little motion picture last night. CHAOS, starring Jason Statham, Wesley Snipes and Ryan Phillipe. Very cool heist flick, with Snipes as a bank robber who gets trapped during a robbery, and Jason Statham as a suspended cop who gets put back into action because he's the only one Snipes will negotiate with. Philipe plays Statham's new partner, and is also terrific. A bit of a potboiler, but it has a twist ending you'll never see coming. Can't say anything about the plot because it'll give everything away. Just check it out, and tell 'em Carole sent you.

Onto today's scene from NOWHERE GIRL, and plot thickens big-time. Homeland Security agent April Street and her new partner/long-lost sister/former stripper Cherry Nation arrive at Sledge Crafton's lair ... and get caught in a trap ...

INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT
April and Cherry arrive at the top floor.
The doors OPEN.
They walk out into the corridor.

A LARGE METAL DOOR faces them.
No name. No number.
Just a small lit button on a silver panel.

April pulls out her Sig Sauer. Raises it.

APRIL
Ready?

Cherry pulls out her Glock.

CHERRY
Let’s do it.

April presses the button.
The door SLIDES OPEN.

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
They walk into the lobby.
We now see that Donner’s desk
is in a bullet-proof glass cubicle in a corner of the room.

CHERRY
What is this, Austin Powers?

APRIL
He always had a flair for the dramatic.

Donner’s voice comes over hidden speakers.

DONNER
Ladies, glad you could join us.
Mr. Crafton has been expecting you.

April walks over the cubicle.
Stares down Donner.

APRIL
Well, isn’t that a coincidence.

A steel door SLIDES OPENS in the wall.

DONNER
Right through that door, please.
He’ll be right with you.

The girls look at the open doorway suspiciously.

APRIL
How do we know this isn’t a trap?

CHERRY
Cover me, and I’ll go take a look.

APRIL
Okay.

Cherry walks over to the doorway.
Stops. Looks in.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steel walls. A table with chairs.
Glass window. Shades drawn.

CHERRY
Turns her head.

CHERRY
Looks fine to me.

April marches over, and they walk in.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The door behind them SLAMS shut with a BANG.

APRIL
I KNEW it.
(looks around)
CRAFTON. Show yourself!

The window shade SLIDES UP.
Behind it stands Crafton.

SLEDGE
Ladies.

APRIL
What’s the big idea?
You can’t keep us locked up in here.
People know where we are.

SLEDGE
I’m afraid not.
They’re all dead.

APRIL
Then what do you want from us?

SLEDGE
That, my dear, is the question of the hour.
Please have a seat.
(beat)
I’ve got a story to tell you.

Give Violence A Chance

Happy Friday, crime scenesters. Are you a smooth criminal? Or are you more the down and dirty, scuzzball kinda thug that likes to smash a few skulls ... and kick some ass. Well, either way, you're in the right place ... when you hook up with NOWHERE GIRL ...

No movie last night. Big doings in the house of love. Gotta phone call from this A-list producer who wants me to work on something for him. Nice. Then had to call the manager to bring him up to speed. Can you say 'totally stoked?' Can't give you any details yet ... I'm sworn to secrecy ... but let's just say this is gonna big. And nasty. And more than a little violent. With a message, of course. Sign me up. Two Glocks WAY up ... my ass.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL ... and we're leading up the final showdown, folks ... because Cherry Nation and April Street are about to go head-to-head with the evil, criminal mastermind ... known as Sledge Crafton ...

EXT. CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING - DAWN
The famous circular landmark gleams in the morning light.
April and Cherry pull up in a red Mini Cooper convertible.

INT. MINI COOPER - CONTINUOUS
April shuts off the engine. They jump out of the car.

EXT. VINE STREET - CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
April looks down at John Lennon’s plaque on the Walk of Fame.

APRIL
Look. Lennon’s star.

CHERRY
Hey. Give Violence A Chance.

They walk to the front door.
It’s LOCKED.
Cherry peers in the window.
Sees a GUARD sitting at a desk.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
I’ve got an idea.

She KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKS on the glass.

THE GUARD
Looks up. Shakes his head.
Mouths WE’RE NOT OPEN.

CHERRY
STOMPS her foot. Shouts --

CHERRY (CONT’D)
We’re here for the RECORDING SESSION.

THE GUARD
Looks puzzled.
What recording session?

CHERRY
POUNDS on the glass.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
MICHAEL JACKSON!
Hurry up and LET US IN.

THE GUARD Walks over to the door.
Unlocks it. Opens it a crack.

GUARD
Did you say MICHAEL JACKSON?

CHERRY
Yeah. We’re background singers.
And we’re late.

GUARD
You’re full-a-shit.
There’s no recording here anymore.
And he's DEAD.

CHERRY
EXACTLY. Quincy Jones is mixing his final tracks.
That’s why he’s using the basement studio.
You know how he is about secrecy.

April KICKS the door into the guard’s face, THWUNK.
He goes down. She pushes it open.
Walks in. Cherry follows.

INT. CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
April and Cherry drag the guard over to his desk.
Prop him up in his chair.
Dash over to the elevator banks.
Push UP.

A SECURITY CAMERA
On the ceiling moves in their direction.

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - LOBBY - AT THAT MOMENT
A FEMALE OPERATIVE (20’s) sits at a desk in the lobby
of Crafton’s suite of offices watching video monitors.
She dials a number. Listens.

FEMALE OPERATIVE
Chief? We’ve got company.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CRAFTON’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Crafton WHIRLS his chair around.
Leans into his speakerphone.

SLEDGE
Who is it Donner, Street?

DONNER
Yeah. And she’s got someone with her.
Some chick dressed like a go-go girl.

SLEDGE
I had a feeling.
Put them in the interrogation room.
Tell them I’ll be right there.

DONNER
Yes, sir.

Sledge WHIRLS around in his chair.
Faces a table behind his desk.
He leans over. SNORTS a line of coke.
Then ANOTHER.

SLEDGE
(rubs his nose)
Alright, ladies -- it’s SHOWTIME.

Hold Onto Your Tits

Happy Thursday, slimeballs. You say you wanna revolution? You say you're a bit disgruntled? Feel like getting on top of a building with a sniper-scope rifle and start picking off pedestrians? Well, look no further, cause here's your one-way ticket to non-stop, hardboiled action ... with NOWHERE GIRL ...

Screened a weird but great flick last night. DEAD FISH, a British gangster joint, with Gary Oldman, Terrence Stamp, Robert Carlyle and Billy Zane. I say weird, because the Brits love their crime stories with over the top humor, and a little kinky, naughty stuff thrown in for good measure. Seems this hitman, played by Gary Oldman, accidentally switches his cell phone with a young stoner kid, so when Gary's boss calls him for his next hit, the kid gets the call instead. Thow in Carlyle as a murderous loan shark after the kid for the money he owes him, Zane as a bizarre assassin and Stamp as posh gangster, and all hell breaks loose. Great, explosive fun, if you like it a bit nutty. Two gun up for this sucker, bloke. A bloody good time was had by all. Literally.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, and this one's a doozy. April Street and Cherry Nation are pursued by the most evil mode of transportation on earth ... a Hummer.

That's right kids, we got ourselves a high-speed car chase ...

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - NIGHT

The truck is RAMMED from behind.
Cherry and April are JERKED in their seats.

CHERRY
What the FUCK was that?

APRIL
(looks in rear view)
We’re being tailed --
(another BANG)
By a fucking HUMMER.

CHERRY
But this truck’s bigger than a Hummer.

APRIL
Exactly. Hold onto your tits.

April JAMS on the breaks -- SCREEEEECH.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - CONTINUOUS
The Hummer SMASHES into the back of the truck.

IN THE TRUCK
April JAMS it into reverse --
and HITS THE GAS.

ON THE STREET
The truck starts PUSHING the Hummer backwards.
Cars HONK. SWERVE to get out of the way.

IN THE HUMMER
The DRIVER curses.
Pulls out an AUTOMATIC WEAPON.
Sticks it out the window.
PUMPS it.

THE TRUCK
Gets SPRAYED with bullets.

IN THE TRUCK
April hands Cherry her Sig Sauer.

APRIL
Here ya go, love -- shoot his fucking nuts off.

CHERRY
MOTHER-FUCKER.

Cherry takes the gun.
Opens her window.
Leans out. Starts FIRING at the Hummer.
SPRAYS it with bullets.

THE DRIVER OF THE HUMMER
Aims for the truck’s rear tires.
Gets the left. BANG.
Then the right. BANG.

IN THE TRUCK
April SWERVES the wheel.

APRIL
He’s shooting our TIRES.
Get HIS!

CHERRY
Leans further out the window.
SPRAYS bullets on the Hummer’s front tires.

THE HUMMER
Swerves.

THE TRUCK AND THE HUMMER
Reach an intersection.
The truck’s wheels SCREECH on their rims,
PUSHING the Hummer into ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

A CITY BUS
SMASHES into the Hummer -- BANG.
Buh-bye.

IN THE TRUCK
April pulls over to the curb.
Looks at Cherry.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Nice shooting.

CHERRY
Nice driving.

APRIL
You okay?

CHERRY
Well, since you asked --
I feel like I’m gonna puke.
(realizes, turns her head)
Peeler? You back there? You okay?

Cherry swivels in her seat.
Looks in the rear.

THE BACK DOOR
Is open.
The compartment is empty.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
He’s gone. Story of my life.

APRIL
Welcome to the world of espionage.
The Spy Who Left Me.

A Disgrace To The Flag

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. Need a little jolt to waken you from your dreary little lives? Looking for a blast of hardboiled pulp action to brighten -- or darken -- your day? Then you've come to the right place, when you visit Nowhere Girl ...

Screened a real beaut last night. BANDITS, with Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thorton and Cate Blanchette, and directed by the great Barry Levinson. Great fun, and much better than I remembered it. I guess some things do improve with age. Fun story about 'The Sleepover Bandits.' Bruce and Billy Bob case a bank, and then surpise the manager the night before the robbery ... and tell him they're going ot spend the night, and then go to the bank with him in the morning. It goes great for awhile, but then the media gets wind of it, and they become superstars. Problem is, they meet Cate, and bring her along with them. And before you know it, she's sleeping with Bruce, and then with Billy Bob, and the whole thing gets a bit ... complicated. Check this one out if you've never seen it. Lots of fun. Two guns WAY up ...

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL ... where things are really starting to heat up as we start to approach the exciting conclusion. It's getting to the point that to say anything about what happens next would give too much away ... but just know that more bodies start to pile up as Cherry and April reach their Final Destination ...

INT./EXT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Avi sits in the back as the limo cruises south on the 405.
He pulls out his cell. PUNCHES in a number.

AVI
Yeah, hi.
I’d like to reserve a ticket
on the next flight to Caracas --

A siren WHOOP-WHOOPS outside.

AVI (CONT’D)
What the fuck?

The driver’s window SLIDES DOWN.

DRIVER
I wasn’t speeding.

AVI
Goddammit.

EXT. 405 FREEWAY - LIMOUSINE - CONTINUOUS
The limo pulls over. A MOTORCYCLE COP pulls up behind it.
Stops. Parks. The cop dismounts. Walks over to the window.

DRIVER
What seems to be the problem, officer?

The cop pulls out his SERVICE REVOLVER
and SHOOTS him. BANG.

IN THE REAR
Avi hears the shot. JUMPS.

AVI
SHIT.

The cop appears in the divider --

AVI (CONT’D)
NO, WAIT!

And SHOOTS him. BANG.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - DAWN
A beautiful sunrise. FIRE TRUCKS and PATROL CARS
make their way up into the hills.
NEWS CHOPPERS fly overhead.

INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
April punches in a number on her cell. Listens.

APRIL
Lark? You there?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE
Lark sits at her workstation,
blowing on her hundredth cup of coffee.
Dark circles under haunted eyes.

LARK
Barely.

APRIL
I need Crafton’s location.

LARK
I can’t --

APRIL
I thought this line was encrypted.

LARK
It is, but -- I can’t --

APRIL
Wait a minute.

LARK
What.

APRIL
You never sent back-up
because you’re working for him,
AREN’T you.
You’re a fucking MOLE.
(beat)
My GOD am I STUPID.

A FIGURE IN BLACK SHADES
Appears at the end of the row of cubicles.

APRIL (CONT’D)
And you got Shag killed.

LARK
NO. That wasn’t -- my fault.

APRIL
Give me his location. NOW.

THE FIGURE
Starts walking toward Lark’s workstation.

APRIL (CONT’D)
You’re a disgrace to your flag.
You KNOW that?
This is your chance to prove that not
ALL American agents are corrupt.

LARK
Shag wasn’t corrupt!

APRIL
But you got him KILLED.

Lark GASPS.
Her eyes fill with tears.

LARK
Crafton’s HQ is in the Capitol Records building.
He’s got the whole top floor.

The figure reaches Lark’s cubicle.
He raises a 9mm Baretta with a silencer,
and SHOOTS her in the head -- THWIP.

APRIL
Good girl, now you’re talking -- thanks.
(listens)
Lark?
(beat)
Lark?
(to Cherry)
She hung up.

She looks at Cherry,
who's white as a ghost.

CHERRY
Shag’s DEAD?

APRIL
One of Crafton’s assassins.
I’m sorry, love.
I didn’t know how to tell you.
(beat)
I’m sorry.

CHERRY
Poor Shag. My god.
(beat)
He drove me crazy, you know?
But he meant well, he was --
such a great guy,
I don’t know what I’m gonna --
(beat)
SHIT, my KIDS.
Can I borrow your cell phone?

April hands it over.
Cherry PUNCHES in a number.
Listens.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
Hello, Jamie? It’s mommy.
(listens)
I miss you, too. I’m sorry I woke you --
(listens)
I’m so glad you’re having fun.
You love your Nanna, don’t you?
(listens)
I have good news.
I might be coming home sooner than I thought.
(listens)
I love you, too. Go back to sleep.

She clicks the phone shut. Relieved.

APRIL
Thank god for small miracles, huh?

CHERRY
Yeah.

The truck is RAMMED from behind.
They JERK in their seats.

CHERRY
What the FUCK was that?

My Sister, The Spy

It's Tuesday, crime scenesters. Do you know where your children are? Or your parents? How about your wayward spouse? Don't look now, but if you're not careful, you might just find them right here, indulging in That Killing Feeling ...

Screened one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life last night. Godammit, was that a waste of time. How did this piece of shit get made? CUT OFF, starring a bunch unknowns, and featuring in 'Pay My Mortgage' rolls, Malcolm McDowell and Faye Dunaway (looking positively skeletal). Great premise,. completely wasted. An heiress gets cut off by her father, and must suddenly fend for herself to pay the bills. So what does she do? She and her pot smoking boyfriend decide to rob a check cashing joint, but it goes horribly wrong ... and they go on the lam in ... an ambulance ... where they spend 90 per cent of the movie. A horrible, horribe train wreck. Character actors like James Russo and James Edson are completely waisted in a tidal wave of fart jokes, cops drinking and drugging jokes, cops eating jokes, bad rap jokes ... I mean, this was an unbelievable bad, bad, bucket of swill. And I watched the whole fucking thing, fascinated. Because if this log of shit can get made, so can my fucking movies. My god. I'm getting upset all over again. (Calm down, Carole.) Two thumbs WAY down ... in the toilet.

Onto t0day's explosive episode from NOWHERE GIRL. There's too much going on here to summarize ... so let's just say that bad guys get shot, hot chicks escape, and things get blown the fuck up ...

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - NIGHT

April and Cherry point guns at each other. In shock.

APRIL
THAT’S why I hate your guts.

CHERRY
And that’s why I hate YOURS.
(beat)
My sister, the spy.

APRIL
My sister, the --
(appraises her outfit)
Stripper?

CHERRY
Exotic dancer. Soon to be former.

The girls are GRABBED FROM BEHIND.
Saad has Cherry in a choke-hold.
Mohammed THROWS April to the floor.
Straddles her.
Both aims Uzis at their heads.

SAAD
Don’t move or I’LL SHOOT.

MOHAMMED
Go ahead. Give me REASON.

HAMAD
American women TALK TO MUCH.
Take them downstairs and shoot them.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Federal Marshall!
Put your HANDS IN THE AIR!

AN OPERATIVE
In bomb squad gear comes into the room,
assault rifle aloft.

CLOSE ON:
The LCD reads 3:45.

RENNY
Looks at the Fed.

RENNY
Don’t shoot! This is a nuclear device.

OPERATIVE
Step away from case. NOW.

SAAD
Put your gun down or I shoot THE WOMAN!

MOHAMMED
Put down or we SHOOT!

The Fed SHOOTS Renny.
BANG-BANG-BANG.
He HITS the floor.

CHERRY
Hey!

APRIL
What are you DOING?
He was DISARMING IT.

Two more FEDS in bomb squad gear BURST IN
from the kitchen and start SHOOTING.
Saad’s and Mohammed’s heads EXPLODE.

LARGE FED
Ladies, outside, NOW.

April and Cherry exchange glances.

CHERRY
What’s going on here?

APRIL
They WANT the nuke to go off?

LARGE FED
I said NOW.

Cherry GRABS the case with the money,
and they start RUNNING.

CLOSE ON:
The LCD reads 2:25.

EXT. FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Two Feds in protective gear with helmets
stand in front of bomb squad truck.
They start walking toward Cherry and April.

APRIL
(whispers)
I don’t trust them.

CHERRY
Let’s kick their ass.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - NIGHT
Lark takes a sip of her water bottle.
Touches her headset.

LARK
But I don’t understand.
You WANT it to go off?
But what about -- collateral damage?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - NIGHT
Sledge Crafton stands at the bar. Mixing a cocktail.
Speaking on his hands-free.

SLEDGE
Too many people know. It’s a big mess.
Better to start again with a clean slate.
And it’s not a real nuke,
it’s an old Russian piece of shit
pipe bomb with a timer, that’s all.
We’ll find some patsy and nail it on them,
like we did in Oklahoma City.

He leans down over the bar.
SNORTS a line of coke.

LARK
But what about April Street --
and the other girl?

SLEDGE
They’re being evacuated.
I have special plans for THEM.
(beat)
Don’t tell me your getting soft on me.
You’re one of the best moles I’ve ever had.
I’d hate to have to retire you, too.

LARK
But what about the agents on-site?

SLEDGE
They don’t know the bomb is live.
(beat)
Like you said, collateral damage.

INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April wear bomb squad gear with helmets.
April GUNS the engine.
The vehicle starts moving.

CHERRY
Go, go, go --

APRIL
We’re OUTTA HERE.

EXT. QUEENS ROAD - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The truck ROARS down the road.

INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
April shakes her head slowly. Thinking.

APRIL
Something’s not right.
They were acting like they WANTED
the nuke to go off.
(beat)
Unless they weren’t told it was live.

CHERRY
Why would the agency do that?

APRIL
I don’t know, unless --

An earth-shattering EXPLOSION rocks the truck.
April stops. She and Cherry poke their heads out their windows, look.
A MASSIVE FIREBALL ERUPTS in the sky.

THE TRUCK
Continues on down Queens Road.

APRIL (CONT’D)
That was no nuke.
Crafton was ripping off the terrorists.
Why am I not surprised?

CHERRY
So where are we going?

APRIL
We’re gonna pay him a little visit.

CHERRY
(turns her head)
Hey. You okay back there?

PEELER
Sticks his head out from the rear.

PEELER
Well, let’s see.
I’ve lost a lot of blood,
I’m dizzy from hunger,
and I just shit my pants.
(beat)
I’m having a ball.

Who You Calling A Bitch?

It's the cold, cruel early light of Monday moring. Back to the daily grind. Do you need a little respite from your cold, cruel 9-to-5 lives? A dark, damp place to crawl into when the going gets tough ... when you have That Killing Feeling ... ?

Screened a great one last night. Christopher Nolan's INSOMNIA, starring Al Pacino, Hilary Swank and Robin Willims. Quite the corker. Pacino plays an LA cop who travels to Alaska to try and solve a brutal murder of a young girl, and he gives a great, restrained performance. (Nolan is a genius to be able to rein him in like that.) Swank, who I usually don't like, is fine as the young, eager local officer, and Robin Williams is astounding as the creepy serial killer. The gimmick in the story is it's the time of year when the sun shines 24 hours a day, non-stop ... and its effect on a person after not being able to sleep for a few days. And Pacino is masterful in his portrayal of man who's losing his career, the case, and just maybe, his mind. Two icicles way up for this one. One of the few decent remakes out there.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, and this one's a doozy. Things are coming to a head when ...

Former special ops agent Renny Quick tries to disarm the nuke ...
Homeland Security agent April Street arrives on the scene ...
And is confronted by Cherry Nation ...
Where they are shocked to reveal ...
A BIG secret ...

EXT. MANSION - FRONT YARD - NIGHT
Peeler watches the action through the window.
Panicked.

PEELER
This doesn’t look good.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
That’s the tricky part about being a Peeping Tom.

APRIL
Steps into view. Aiming her Sig Sauer.

PEELER
Oh, h-hi. I’m with Cherry,
the girl with the nuke, remember?

APRIL
Of course -- you’re the guy that fucking handcuffed me.

PEELER
Sorry about that.
Listen, some serious shit is about to go down.
Cherry is in there trying to do the deal --
and the nuke has been, like -- ACTIVATED.
We’ve got, like -- I dunno, nine, ten minutes?

APRIL
WHAT?

She touches her hands-free. Speaks into it.

APRIL (CONT’D)
You get all that?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Lark Eden sits at her desk. CHOKES on her coffee.

LARK
Yeah. Hold tight,
I’m going to send every agent we have in the area.

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Hamad looks at Cherry. At Kamal. Then Renny.

HAMAD
And how am I supposed to believe you?

RENNY
Well, we can go back and forth like this while the clock is ticking --
or you can take a chance on saving your fucking lives.
Your choice, Bin Laden.

HAMAD
WHAT did you call me?

RENNY
You heard me, you fucking terrorist.
You think you can just waltz into our country
and buy a NUKE?

HAMAD
It was your CORRUPT GOVERNMENT
that SOLD it to us, IMBECILE.

CHERRY
SHUT UP, both of you.
While you’re playing who’s dick is bigger --
we’re running out of TIME.

EXT. MANSION - FRONT YARD - NIGHT
Peeler sits on the ground.
April looks in the window.

APRIL
I’m going in. You stay put.

PEELER
Sure thing. I’ll just sit here
and watch my life flash before my eyes.

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Renny opens the case. Studies the bomb. Scratches his chin.

CHERRY
Well, what are you waiting for?

RENNY
I haven’t done this in -- ten years.

CHERRY
What?

RENNY
Chill out. It’s all about shutting off the power.
Wiring is wiring.
(beat)
I’m gonna need pliers,
or a pair of scissors,
something like that.

Hamad looks at the guards,
who are now conscious.

HAMAD
You. Go look in the kitchen.

They RACE OFF.

RENNY
(looking at the wiring)
The red and the blue -- or the yellow --

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Homeland Security! Nobody MOVE.

APRIL
Walks into the room.
Automatic weapon trained on Renny.

APRIL
(to Renny)
Put your hands in the air
and step away from the device.

CHERRY
He’s DISARMING the device, bitch.

APRIL
Who you calling a bitch?

HAMAD
(looks at them)
Are you two -- sisters?

KAMAL
They look a lot alike.

RENNY
Will everyone please SHUT UP?
I’m trying to CONCENTRATE here.

Renny pulls out another pair of wires.
Wipes his forehead.

CLOSE ON:
The LCD reads 4:15.

APRIL
(to Cherry)
Where were you born?

CHERRY
In the UK. I was adopted.
My parents moved here I was four.

APRIL
I was adopted when I was four.
(beat)
I had a sister --
but they only took me.

CHERRY
I had a sister, too -- but --

APRIL
That explains --

CHERRY
Why we --

APRIL
THAT’S why I hate your guts.

CHERRY
And that’s why I hate YOURS.
(beat)
My sister, the spy.

APRIL
My sister, the --
(appraises her outfit)
Stripper?

The Tricky Part About Being A Peeping Tom

So you're probably right now out for a Sunday ride in your convertible. Or maybe lounging by the pool. Or the beach. And your mind starts to wander ... to the dark side ... and you have this sudden urge ... That Killing Feeling ...

Screened a great one last night. Robert Towne's TEQUILA SUNSET, with Mel Gibson, Michelle Pfeiffer and Kurt Russell. Probably one of the hottest love triangles in cinema history. Mel's a retired drug dealer, who's got the hots for restauranteur Michelle, and hangs at her joint hoping to get the guts to make his move. Enter head drug cop Kurt, and his sleazy cohort played to perfection by J.T. Walsh. Seems J.T. wants to take down Mel, but since he and Kurt are childhood friends, Kurt protects him. But that doesn't stop him from bedding. Michelle.
What follows is one of the wittiest, classiest, and most elegant crime stories ever brought to the screen. As an extra added bonus, Raoul Julia shows up toward the end to give it a final bang. Two cocktals WAY up.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL. Hold onto your balls, kids (or your rack, dolls), cause it's action-acked ....

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM -NIGHT
Kamal leads Cherry into the room,
where Hamad, the guards and Renny
are watching a ball game on the big screen plasma TV.

KAMAL
Hamad. Our package has arrived.

Hamad looks. Smiles. Gets up.
Walks over to them.

HAMAD
Very good. Excellent.
(gestures at the case)
May I?

CHERRY
You have the money?

RENNY
Sits in his chair watching the game.
Behind his back, we can see him loosening his ropes.

HAMAD
Cocks an eyebrow. Nods. Looks at Kamal.

HAMAD
Give her the money.

Kamal nods. Walks over to a table.
Grabs an attache case. Brings it over.
Sets it down on a chair near Cherry and Hamad.
Flips open the lid to reveal it’s STUFFED WITH CASH.

KAMAL
One million dollars. As promised.

Cherry’s eyes BUG.
She’s never seen that much money.
In a daze, she hands Hamad the briefcase.

He takes it. Sets it down. Opens it.
Sees the LCD DISPLAY.

HAMAD
It’s been ACTIVATED.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

The next few moments happen in a BLUR OF SPEED --

RENNY’S
Ropes FLY OFF.
He GRABS the guards by their heads
and CRACKS them together.
SNATCHES their weapons.
SMACKS one on the head, THWUMP --
then the other, THWACK.

They GO DOWN.

CHERRY
GRABS the money.

HAMAD
GRABS Cherry.
Points his gun at her head.
CLICK.

KAMAL
Points his gun at Renny.
CLICK.

HAMAD (CONT’D)
(to Cherry)
What THE FUCK is going on here?
Is he with you?

CHERRY
Hell, no!
(to Renny)
Don’t shoot! I’m with the government!

She WHIPS out her gun.
Points it at the case.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
(to Hamad)
Let me the fuck go,
or else I’ll blow us all to kingdom come.

Hamad releases her. Looks around.
What THE FUCK?

RENNY
That’s really a -- n-nuke?

HAMAD
YES. And it’s going to go off in NINE MINUTES.

Renny’s eyes dart back and forth.
He licks his lips.

RENNY
I used to be Special Forces.
I can disarm it.

EXT. MANSION - FRONT YARD - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Peeler watches the action through the window. Panicked.

PEELER
This doesn’t look good.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
That’s the tricky part about being a Peeping Tom.

APRIL
Steps into view. Aiming her Sig Sauer.

PEELER
Oh, h-hi. I’m with Cherry,
the girl with the nuke, remember?

APRIL
Of course -- you’re the guy
that fucking handcuffed me.

PEELER
Sorry about that.

Vulgar Americans

It's Saturday. For some people, it's a day to play, frolic in the sun. For others, like us, it's a day to get dark and nasty, hot and dirty ... on the lam, and on the prowl. A day to take a trip on the wild side, and indulge in That Killing Feeling ...

Screened a nice one last night. TAKEN, starring Liam Neeson, that big box office sensation. And you know WHY it was so good ... beside the awesome Neeson? It was written and produced by Luc Besson, of LA FEMME NIKITA fame. Great, tight script ... a tense, taught action thriller with big stakes. A father rescues his wayward daughter on an unsupervised Euro-trip, who's been kidnapped to be sold by white slave traffikers. Fortuntately for her, her pop's a former CIA spook, and rises the occaision. An awesome flick. Two hand grenades up!

Onto today's action-fest from NOWHERE GIRL.

In part one, April Street reveals her true identity to CIA facilitator Lark Eden.
In part two, Cherry Nation and Peeler Mardo share a tender moment, and
In part three, Cherry arrives at the meet, and meets the terrorists ...

EXT. QUEENS ROAD - NEARBY - NIGHT
April JOGS up the hill, talking on her hands-free.

APRIL
You can send backup -- I’m not C-6!

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Lark watches April’s progress on her monitor
as it nears the location of the nuke.

LARK
I know that.
Shag said you were Homeland Security.

APRIL
No, that was the cover C-6 gave me.
I’m a MOLE -- I’m Interpol --
I’m gonna bring down C-6,
the terrorist cell, AND Avi Abbas.
NOW, given how things have progressed,
I’d love a little help at this point.

LARK
Why didn’t Interpol ask for our help in the first place?

APRIL
Don’t take this personally,
but The Company doesn’t have the greatest reputation
in the global intelligence community since nine-eleven.
I mean -- your BOSS told you not to interfere with C-6.

LARK
I -- see what you mean.

APRIL
C-6 is totally rogue --
their ops are for profit.
They broker arms deals around the world.
Remember the CONTRAS?
They’ll sell to anybody --
rebels in Darfur, revolutionaries in Somalia,
the Tibetan Army --
state of the art weaponry,
sold to the highest bidder.
(beat)
Kinda like Ebay.

A MESSAGE BOX
Pops up on Lark’s monitor.

LARK’S
Fingers fly across the keyboard.

LARK
April, we’ve got a situation in Israel.
I gotta call you back.

Lark hangs up.
April stops running.
Taps her headpiece.

APRIL
What? Hello? You there?
(beat)
What about my BACK-UP?

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and Peeler are at the front door.

CHERRY
Go hide in the bushes over there by the window and watch.
If something goes wrong, call 911.

PEELER
Okay. Better hide your gun.

CHERRY
Shit, yeah.

She tucks it in her skirt waistband
in the small of her back.

PEELER
So, uh -- in case anything -- happens,
I just want you to know that,
despite all this scary shit --
I’ve had the best time I’ve ever had tonight.

Cherry’s touched.
She kisses him on the cheek.

CHERRY
Me, too. Now go, scoot --
we gotta save the world.
(beat)
And then maybe grab some breakfast.

He nods, limps off into the bushes.
Cherry RINGS the bell.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
Here goes nothing.

The door OPENS. It’s Kamal.
He sees the case. Big smile.

KAMAL
Greetings. We’ve been expecting you.

CHERRY
Sorry for the delay.

KAMAL
Not to worry. Please, come in.

INT. MANSION - FOYER - CONTINUOUS
Kamal leads Cherry toward the living room.

CHERRY
(looking around)
This place is -- amazing.

KAMAL
Vulgar American conspicuous consumption.
(beat)
Can’t wait to blow it up.

Just Another Bomb

Happy Friday, crime busters. You ready to party? Take a trip to the dark side? To a place of unspeakable darkness and depravity? Then you've come to the right place. A place so dangerous, you'll might never come back alive from ... THAT KILLING FEELING ...

Screened a strange one last night. A European flick ... BOARDING GATE ... starring Asia Argento and Michael Madsen. Ripping good psychological thriller. The first 30 minutes is an amazing acting tour de force between Argento and Madsen, which includes drinking, arguing, handcuffs, and an extremely irritated Daria in panties brandishig a hand gun. And from then on the plot explodes with many unexpected twists and turns moving from Paris to China. Bizarre but cool cameo from Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth (WTF?). Strange, haunting, disturbing, and absolutely riviting. Two thongs up.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, and things are really starting to heat up.

In part one, as revenge for the 911 call, the Al Quaeda sleeper cell whacks one of the hostages ...
In part two, stripper on the run Cherry Nation fools around with the suitcase nuke, with disasterous results.

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Renny sits on the couch next to Rich Husband.

The two guards stand behind them.
Weapons pointed at their heads.
Kamal stands nearby,
hands clasped behind him.

Hamad holds Rich’s cell phone.
SMASHES it. STOMPS on it, CRACK.

HAMAD
You called private security!
After I specifically told you not to FUCK AROUND.
Do you know what we do to people
who don’t FOLLOW ORDERS?

RICH HUSBAND
I’m sorry, I guess I -- panicked.

Hamad pulls out a REVOLVER with a silencer.

RICH HUSBAND (CONT'D)
No, wait, wait, wait!
I’ve got a shitload of money upstairs!
In my safe! You can have it! All of it!
There’s a couple hundred thousand.
It’s behind the mirror on the dresser
in the master bedroom.

Kamal walks over.
Hands him a piece of paper and a pen.

KAMAL
If you would kindly give us the combination.

Rich scribbles it down. Relieved.
Kamal takes it. Nods at Hamad.
Hamad raises his gun, takes aim --

RICH HUSBAND
WAIT, I thought --

And SHOOTS Rich in the forehead -- THWIP.
Rich’s body SLUMPS over. Dead.

Renny’s eyes dart madly, heart racing.

HAMAD
(big smile)
Not to worry, my big, strapping
American emergency services worker.
We still need hostages --
who know how to behave.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FRONT DRIVE - NIGHT
Cherry and Peeler walk up the long driveway in the moonlight.
The lights of the city twinkle below in the distance.

CHERRY
I think I’m gonna pee my pants.
(beat)
How’s your leg?

PEELER
It’s really starting to hurt.
I’m really looking forward to
getting a chance to sit down for a second.
How’s your arm?

CHERRY
It’s throbbing like a motherfucker.
Look, why don’t we take a breather
before we go in, plot our strategy.

He nods.
She leads him over to the garage, which is open.
They sit on the hood of a sleek Rolls.
Cherry rubs her wrist.

PEELER
Ohmigod is that good.

CHERRY
Simple pleasures.

She puts the briefcase on her lap.
Fiddles with the clasp.

PEELER
What are you doing?
Didn’t you tell me the guy said
you’d die if you opened it?

CHERRY
Yeah, he did --

Cherry closes her eyes.
Winces. FLIPS IT OPEN.

Nothing happens.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
But he was LYING.
Ha, I KNEW it.
(looks inside)
So THAT’S what a suitcase nuke looks like.
Looks like any other bomb to me.

PEELER
And you’ve seen a lot of bombs --

CHERRY
In the movies, silly, on TV.

She examines the interior.
Points at a small clock.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
This must be the timer.

PEELER
Cherry, I really don’t think you should
fuck around with that.
It’s been a really long night,
and I really don’t feel like getting blown up.

CHERRY
Chill, dude. I’m not gonna --

Her nose twitches --
and she SNEEZES.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
A-CHOO!

Which causes her finger to JERK
against the side of the clock,
and SPIN a small knob.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
(looks)
NO -- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

PEELER
WHAT’S WRONG?

INSIDE THE BRIEFCASE
A small, red LCD screen reads
ENGAGE IN: 15:00 --
with the numbers reeling backwards.

PEELER (CONT’D)
GODDAMIT, Cherry!
What the FUCK are we gonna do NOW?

CHERRY
We got fifteen minutes to figure it out.
Let’s get the fuck IN THERE.

Bite The Bullet

It's Thursday. Do you know what that means? It's time for all you hardboiled/pulp crime scenesters to get your spy thriller-action groove going. Time to strap on the kevlar vest, load up with ammo, and head off on a dangerous mission ... with NOWHERE GIRL ...

Screened a real piece of work last night -- THE BASKETBALL DIARIES, starring a VERY young Leo DiCaprio, along with a who's who of NY actors, including Lorraine Bracco and other friends from the Sopranos, Big Pussy and Chris Moltisante. Really well done biopic about Jim Carroll, notorious poet/author/rocker/junkie, made famous by his hit single "People Who Died.' Kind of depressing, but still riveting. DiCaprio is fascinating. Check it out if you haven't seen it before. Two syringes WAY up.

Onto today's sequence from NOWHERE GIRL, and this one's a real doozy. It's a hair-raising action sequence, and to say anything more about it will give away the big surprise ...

Because somebody bites the bullet.

INT. POOL HOUSE - NIGHT
April watches Shag communicate with base.

SHAG
(touches his ear)
Lark. I need new coordinates.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Lark swerves in her chair, fingers CLACK-CLACKING on her keyboard.
She peers into the monitor, grim.

LARK
She’s nearing the top of hill, Shag --
you better get your ass in gear.

SHAG
Don’t worry, we’re on our way.

LARK
We, our?

SHAG
April Street from Homeland Security is also in pursuit.
We’re pooling our resources.

Pause.

LARK
As long as that’s all your pooling.

The front windows EXPLODE in a SHOWER of GUNFIRE.
Glass SHATTERS, goes FLYING.

Shag and April LEAP to the floor.
Shag ROLLS over behind the couch.
Pulls out his weapon.

April LEAPS behind the open side door.
Takes out hers.

Silence.

APRIL
What the fuck?

Gloved hands THROW a wire around
April’s neck and start GARROTTING her.

She GRABS the wire,
starts GAGGING, SPUTTERING, THRASHING,
eyes BULGING.

We see the attacker.
It’s WENDON. Smiling.
Having a ball.

Shag LEAPS UP, RACES OVER to April.
GRABS Wendon’s hands.
She KICKS Shag in the balls.
He goes DOWN, OOF.
Curls into the fetal position.

That girl can KICK.

April struggles, eyes fluttering,
her face turning red.
She leans forward,
raising Wendon off the ground --
and then with all her might,
SLAMS her into the wall, THWUMP.

She lets go of the wire.
HITS the floor.

April FIRES a blast of rounds into her chest.
BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG.

Nothing.
Must be some kind of vest.

Wendon smiles.
Reaches for her automatic.

April GRABS a lamp
and SMASHES it on her head.
She blinks.

LEAPS UP -- And KICKS April,
who goes FLYING BACKWARDS onto the floor.

Shag GRABS a chair --
SAILS IT across the room at Wendon.
It HITS her in the stomach,
sends her FLYING.

She ROLLS behind the bar.
POPS up, and starts FIRING.

Shag and April LEAP out of the way,
get behind the couch.
Start RETURNING FIRE.

SHAG
Bitch is GOOD.

APRIL
I’ve got an idea.
You cover me,
I’ll go outside and go in
through the window in the kitchen.

SHAG
Let’s do it.

Shag SHOVES in another clip.
Pulls out a smoke bomb.

APRIL
Why didn’t you use that before?

SHAG
Uh, we’ve been a little BUSY?
(beat)
When I commence firing.

He leans around the corner.
TOSSES the bomb at the bar,
starts SHOOTING.
Smoke starts BILLOWING.

Wendon keeps FIRING,
starts gagging on the fumes.

April ROLLS along the floor.
Bullets PING and SPLINTER
the wood as she FLIES out the door.

AT CIA HEADQUARTERS
Lark listens in on Shag’s hands-free,
which is still on.

LARK
Shag! What’s going on? Are you OKAY?
(beat)
SHAG.

OUTSIDE THE POOL HOUSE
April races around to the back.
Gets to the window.
She looks in, but SMOKE is filling the room.
She can’t see ANYTHING.

APRIL
FUCK.

She SMASHES the window with her gun.
Starts climbing in.

INSIDE THE POOL HOUSE
It’s World War III. GUNSHOTS.
Smoke everywhere. The bar is ON FIRE.

Wheezing and CHOKING,
April makes her way through the room,
where she sees, on the floor --

Shag and Wendon,
each with a hand gripping the other’s neck,
the other hand fighting for control of Wendon’s Sig Sauer.

April takes aim,
and SHOOTS the gun out their hands, PING.

Wendon SCREAMS,
pulls out a HUNTING KNIFE,
and JAMS it in Shag’s NECK.
Blood starts PUMPING like a GEYSER.

APRIL (CONT’D)
NO!

She FIRES at Wendon’s head --
which EXPLODES in a red mist.

RACES over to Shag.
CLAMPS her hands on his neck.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Hold on -- it’s gonna be okay,
it’s gonna be okay.

SHAG
(eyes fluttering)
You get the -- bitch?

The light flickers, then goes out.
April cradles his head in her arms.
Blood everywhere.

APRIL
I HATE this part.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS
Lark types furiously on her keyboard,
looks at the monitor, trying to get a read on the situation.

LARK
(into her headset)
SHAG, come in Shag, are you alright?
(to herself)
GODDAMMIT, I should have sent BACKUP.

April hears something.
Looks at Shag’s earpiece. Grabs it.
Wipes it off. Puts it in her ear. Listens.

APRIL
Hello, is anybody there?

LARK
Hello! Who is this? Where’s Shag?

APRIL
This is agent Street.

LARK
Agent Street? Thank GOD.
What happened? Is he okay?

Pause.

APRIL
I’m sorry.

LARK
(eyes tearing)
I see.
(beat)
Are you -- o-okay?

APRIL
Reasonably. I’m alive.
(beat)
Kinda -- freaked out.

LARK
We were -- seeing each other.

APRIL
Shit.
(beat)
I’m sorry.

LARK
(wipes her eyes)
Let me give you the coordinates.
There isn’t much time left.
She’s almost there.

APRIL
Okay.
(beat)
Are you okay?

LARK
I’ll have to -- get back to you on that.

This Little Piggy

Happy 'hump day,' crime buffs. Are you 'working for the weekend?' Do you need a little balls-out action to get you throught your dreary little lives? Well, then you've come to the right place. Where the girls are hot, the action is hotter, and you're living on the edge with THAT KILLING FEELING.

Screened a real sleeper last night. TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, N.M., directed by and starring Kiefer Sutherland. Solid heist thriller, also starring a very young Vicent Gallo, Kim Dickens and Kevin Pollack. Keifer and the gang rip off a drug dealer, and then have to go on the lam from the cops -- and the mob -- in this high-tension road trip. They take hostage a couple vacationing in their RV, and things get a little tricky when the husband starts to admire the bad guys. A ripping good time. Not a great film, but a lot of fun. Two guns up!

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, where things go from the bloody to the romantic.

In part 1, Sledge Crafton interrogates a 'terrorist', while Avi Abbas recieves oral pleasure in his office after hours ...

And in part 2, Cherry Nation and Peeler Mardo ... take a little 'breather.'


INT. DOWNTOWN LOFT - NIGHT
Deserted, except for Avi, sitting at his desk,
facing the floor-to-ceiling windows,
city lights twinkling below.

AVI
(to someone unseen)
Ahhhhh, that’s it, baby -- that’s it.

He picks up the phone.
Dials a number. Listens.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - BASEMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Crafton is supervising the interrogation of an IRANIAN PRISONER,
who is hanging from a steam pipe by a chain, shirtless, blindfolded --
and quite bloody.

He takes a sip of his tumbler of scotch.
SLAPS the prisoner.

SLEDGE
Tell me, you fucking SAND NIGGER!
Give me his NAME.

IRANIAN PRISONER
I don’t KNOW,
I am not TERRORIST,
I am DRY CLEANER!

Crafton nods at a LARGE, SURLY SOLDIER
holding a rose clipper around the big toe
of one of the prisoner’s bare feet.

SLEDGE
This little piggy went TO MARKET.

Surly SNIPS, CRUNCH,
and the toe FLIES IN THE AIR like a watermelon seed.

The prisoner SCREAMS. Blood flows.

Crafton’s cell phone rings.
He fishes it out of his pocket.

SLEDGE (CONT’D)
(to the prisoner)
Hold that thought.
(beat)
Crafton here.

AVI
It’s Avi. I wanna know what the fuck’s going on with the --
(beat)
Shipment --
(beat)
Crafton.

Avi leans back in his chair,
rolls his head slowly.

SLEDGE
Do I have to fucking SPELL IT OUT for you?
The rogue courier is being TERMINATED,
and her replacement is delivering the package.
We have it HANDLED.

AVI
Goddammit, Crafton --
your fucking rogue killed my best man.
I’m not sure I -- trust you anymore.

He closes his eyes.
In some kind of ecstacy.

SLEDGE
Trust ME?
Now you listen to me, you fucking TOWELHEAD --
you’re lucky we don’t fucking SHUT YOU DOWN.
I represent THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT --
and this is a BUSINESS DEAL -- FOR MONEY.
Haven’t you heard of IN GOD WE TRUST?
(dramatic)
The buyer will get THE PACKAGE.

AVI
Okay -- okay --
(moans)
Ahhh --
(beat)
AHHHHHHHHHH --

His body JERKS. He smiles, peaceful.

SLEDGE
Abbas? You there?

A TALL BLONDE
pops up from under the desk.
Wipes her mouth with a tissue.

Avi SNAPS his fingers.
Points.
She leaves.

AVI
Yeah -- I’m here.

He lights a cigarette. Inhales.
Blows a lazy smoke ring.

AVI (CONT’D)
Just make sure it happens -- soon.
We don’t want the buyer to get upset
and cause an incident.

SLEDGE
I’m not worried.
They’re in fucking Hollywood.
Why do you think we chose that location?

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - WOODED AREA - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
It’s stopped raining. Cherry and Peeler
walk up the incline though sparse foliage.
They reach a narrow, winding road.

CHERRY
Thank fucking god.
I’m cold, I’m wet --
and I’m fucking TIRED.

PEELER
(points at the sign)
Check it out. We’re almost there.

They start walking up the steep incline.

CHERRY
After this is done,
I can’t wait to have a stiff drink
and a long, hot shower.

Cherry trudges on.
White knuckles gripping the briefcase.

PEELER
So listen, I was wondering --
when this is all over,
would you like to, you know --
go have coffee or something?

CHERRY
(does a take)
You mean like a -- date?

PEELER
No, not a DATE.
You know, just -- hang out.
You know, coffee.
Maybe grab a burger --

CHERRY
(faint smile)
That’d be -- nice.

A tear runs down her cheek.
She stops. GRABS him.
Gives him a long, lingering kiss.

PEELER
What was that for?

CHERRY
Not sure. But I kinda liked it.
(kisses him again)
Yeah. That’ll work.

Two Heads Are Better Than One

Happy Tuesday, crime whores. Welcome back to the scene of the crime. A place where you can kick back, relax, and get the shit beaten out of you. A place where you can live all your deepest, darkest fantasies ... with THAT KILLING FEELING ...

Screened a real beaut last night. David Lynch's WILD AT HEART, with Nicolas Cage (back when he still had good taste in projects), Laura Dern, and a host of crazies, including Harry Dean Stanton, Willem Dafoe, David Pruitt Vince, Grace Zabriskie, Sherilyn Fenn and Issabella Rosselini. Hadn't seen it in years, and I gotta say, it still holds up. What a wacked-out ride through the dark underbelly of the deep south. But despite all the violence, perversion and mayhem, it's at its heart a love story, complete with references to THE WIZARD OF OZ. Got everything for the whole family. That is, if the family is named Addams. Two snakeskin jackets up!

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL ...

In part 1, the Bel Air Security team confronts the terrorists, with explosive results ...
And in part 2, CIA agent Shag Holliday comes face to face with Homeland Security agent April Street for the first time ... with suprising results.


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - NIGHT
The Driver and Renny stand at the front door.
Their car’s lights FLASH behind them in the driveway.

RENNY
(to Driver)
Ring it again, Carlos.

CARLOS
(presses the buzzer)
This is bullshit.
Let’s get the fuck outta here.
Go hit Fatburger.

RENNY
Hold on. Not so fucking fast.
Something’s not right. I can smell it.
All the lights are on --
and they don’t answer the door?

The front door SWINGS OPEN.
Revealing Rich Husband,
with a big, weird smile on his face.
Eyes full of terror.

RICH HUSBAND
Sorry to keep you gentlemen waiting.
What seems to be the problem?

IN THE FOYER, AGAINST THE WALL
Kamal stands out of sight, holding an Uzi on Rich.

IN THE DOORWAY
Rich blinks, raises his eyebrows expectantly.

CARLOS
We received over a dozen 911 calls
from a number at this address.

RICH HUSBAND
From this address? Are you sure?

CARLOS
Yeah. We can track where a call comes from.
It was this address.

RICH HUSBAND
I don’t know what to say.
No one here called you --
perhaps your --
tracking made a mistake.
(beat)
Oh, wait a minute --
maybe it’s my son’s phone --
but he’s not home right now.
Please be assured that I will discipline him for this.
And please accept my apologies.

RENNY
Could I please use your bathroom?
I hate to ask, but it’s kind of an emergency.

Renny holds his crotch.
Does that ‘I gotta pee’ dance.
Rich looks startled, looks to his left.

RENNY (CONT’D)
I thought so.

He PUSHES his way past Rich,
and runs straight into Kamal.
Aiming his Uzi at Renny’s stomach.

KAMAL
Gentlemen. This is most unfortunate.
Please come in and make yourselves --
our hostages.

Renny LEAPS at Kamal,
grabs for control of the gun.
It SHOOTS WILDLY, MOWING DOWN Carlos.

The GUARDS run in and GRAB Renny,
PISTOL-WHIP him into submission.

KAMAL (CONT’D)
(looks at the body)
Hurry up and bring it in.
Put the car in the garage.
And then tie up our visitor.
(beat)
Let’s have some fun.

INT. POOLHOUSE - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
April sits on the couch with her hands cuffed.
Another set connect her ankle to a leg of the coffee table.

APRIL
Fucking WHORE version of ME.

She raises her wrists to her hair,
pulls out a hairpin.
Puts it in her mouth.
Starts working it on the cuffs on her hands.

APRIL (CONT’D)
(mumbles)
Just wait until I get my hands on her --

Her cell phone starts RINGING
on the floor a few feet away.

APRIL (CONT’D)
SHIT.

It RINGS again.
She furiously works the hairpin on the lock.
No luck.

RING-RING.

APRIL (CONT’D)
FUCK.

Shag walks through the ruined door, gun raised.
He stops. Looks at the Vespa. Then April.

RING-RING.

SHAG
CHERRY. You -- changed your hair.

APRIL
I’m not Cherry. I’m April.

SHAG
Jesus, You look just like her.
You could be twins.

RING-RING.

APRIL
So that’s her name. Who are you?

SHAG
Shag Holiday, CIA.
(beat)
She’s my ex.

APRIL
Pleased to meet you.
April Street, Homeland Security.

RING-RING.

SHAG
(nods at the phone)
You want me to get that?

APRIL
Nah. I know who it is.
It can wait. Uncuff me?

SHAG
Yeah. Sure. Hold on --

Shag pulls out keys,
unlocks the cuffs on her wrists.

APRIL
Thanks.

He leans down, uncuffs her ankle.
She stands.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Double thanks. So what now?

SHAG
So she was just here?
(off April’s nod)
And she has the nuke?
(off her nod)
Why don’t we team up.
Two heads are better than one.

APRIL
Good idea.
She’s really -- volatile.
What’s her deal?

SHAG
Do you have a few hours?