Suffering For Your Art

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Apologies for being MIA at the end of last week, but I had jury duty. Big case. Some Mexican who can't speak English got pulled over and was arrested for driving with a suspended license. Open and fucking shut. Our great legal system scores again. Where's John Grisham when you need him?

In Chapter 11 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love's girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang gets electrocuted in her cooch on the set. Meanwhile, white trash kidnappers Darryl, Wendy and Denny decide to change their ransom demands and ask for less money, as none of them has a bank account, and they can't figure out where to put two-hundred-fifty million in cash ...


INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
Cheesy Eurodisco over --

Laura on the chrome gurney.
She inserts a small, silver tube
connected to wires inside her. Gasps.

LAURA
Damn, that’s COLD.
(to someone off-camera)
Sorry.

KLAUS (O.C.)
It’s okay.
We’ll take it out in post.
Carry on.

She nods.
Takes the control box off
the shelf next to her.

Puts it in her lap.
Slowly starts turning one of the knobs.

The box starts HUMMING.
She closes her eyes.

LAURA
Three million more miles to Jupiter,
all alone on this godforsaken starship.
Thank god I’ve got my little friend
to keep me company.

KLAUS (O.C.)
Turn it up HIGHER.
We can’t HEAR it.

LAURA
Hold on.
I’m still getting used to it.

BEHIND THE CAMERA
Klaus reaches over.

Grabs an identical control box
with a wire coming out of it.
Starts turning a knob.

KLAUS
(low, to himself)
This’ll teach you to
disobey your DIRECTOR --

ANGLE ON
The wire.
Running across the floor
to Laura’s gurney.

ON THE SET
Laura starts moaning softly.
The HUMMING starts getting
LOUDER, FASTER.

LAURA
OW, FUCK --

She YANKS the tube out.
THROWS the box across the room.

LEAPS UP off the gurney.
Klaus RACES into frame.

KLAUS
What the FUCK?

LAURA
You fucking ELECTROCUTED me,
you fucking PERVERT.

She RACES out of the room.
SLAMS the door.

KLAUS
(calls out after her)
Haven’t you heard the phrase
‘suffering for your art?’
(to himself)
We can use that in the gag reel.
God, I’m brilliant.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl looks at Wendy.
Royally pissed off.

DARRYL
They said we’re
gonna need a truck.

WENDY
What for?

DARRYL
To carry all the money.

WENDY
We could rent a U-Haul.

DARRYL
Yeah, but then where do we PUT it?
I don’t have a bank account.

WENDY
So we hide it in the cupboards,
under the bed --

DARRYL
Don’t you understand?
He said that much money
was the size of
two and a half refrigerators.

WENDY
Oh.
(beat)
Wow.

Denny walks in the room,
high as Andy Dick’s kite,
eating peanut butter
out of the jar with a spoon.

DENNY
Then don’t ask for so much.
You couldn’t spend it all anyways.

DARRYL
You, my little brother,
are a retarded GENIUS.

DENNY
I told you not to call me
RETARDED.

DARRYL
Chill out.
I also called you a genius.
(to Wendy)
We’ll ask for ten million.
That’ll fit in a briefcase.

WENDY
How do you know that?

DARRYL
I saw it on Burn Notice.
(smiles)
Denny and I watch
all those shows on USA.
'Characters welcome.'

DENNY
Burn Notice is my favorite.
(scoops some, offers it)
Want some?

DARRYL
(takes it, grins)
'Choosy stoners choose Jiff.'

And eats it --