All In A Day's Skirt

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of LEGS, Episode 3, things get more than a little hairy when white trash kidnapper Darryl Head tries to renegotiate his ransom demands, just as kidnapping victim Kitty Keko goes into insulin shock. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love comes up with a brilliant plan to 'head him off at the pass' ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits on his throne, talks on his cell.
Wendy’s texting someone on hers.

Denny plays a hand-held video game
while shoving mini-candy bars in his mouth.

DARRYL
This is your lucky day.
I’ve decided not to be so greedy.
I want ten million dollars
in unmarked bills in a briefcase.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Meg and Ilona sit
around the coffee table, listening.

BASIL
Couldn’t get a fucking truck, huh?
Do you even have driver’s license, sport?

Carrie and Bernie come in the front door.
Hear the phone call.
Quietly sit down and listen.

DARRYL
Fuck you.
Keep dicking around and
your wife’s a goner, capiche?

BASIL
I’ll give you the money tomorrow,
but first I need to talk to her
so I know she’s okay.

DARRYL
Hold on a sec.

Darryl leaves the room.

INT. DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Kitty lies on the bed, one wrist tied,
her other hand holding a giant
mostly-empty bag of mini-candy bars.

Passed out, dead to the world.
Darryl walks in. Sees her.

DARRYL
Oh, shit.

BASIL
What do you mean oh, shit?
What’s WRONG?

DARRYL
She’s uh, passed out or something.

BASIL
What did you GIVE her?

DARRYL
You know, those little candy bars,
like for Halloween.

BASIL
How many did she have?

DARRYL
I dunno.
Looks like a lot.

BASIL
My god, man.
She’s a chocoholic.
Once she starts, she can’t stop.
Now she’s in sugar shock.
She needs insulin, NOW.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
I’m sorry.
We’ll get some.

BASIL
How the fuck
are you gonna do THAT?
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
Let’s meet, just you and me,
and I’ll give you a check --

DARRYL
Yeah, right.
Then you’ll know my NAME --

BASIL
I’ll make it out to cash, stupid.
I’ll post-date it for tomorrow,
and you can go to your bank
and cash it.

DARRYL
NO. No CHECK.
I want CASH.

BASIL
Then why don’t we meet somewhere,
and I’ll give you some insulin.

DARRYL
Stop PRESSURING me.
I gotta think.
I’ll call you back.

He hangs up the phone

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil SLAMS down the phone.

BASIL
God-DAMMIT.

BERNIE
Shit. What do we do now?

Carrie gets up.
Lights a smoke.
Starts pacing the room.

CARRIE
Guy’s got serious issues.
Obviously a borderline personality.
(thinks)
Bernie and I found out
they took Kitty in HER car,
which means they
don’t have their own --

BERNIE
(to Basil)
I put out an APB.
A sixty-five Cadillac
should be pretty easy to spot.

CARRIE
Wait a minute.
(to Basil)
Do you have a contact
at the lottery office?

BASIL
Sure. The guy you saw on TV
who gave me the giant fake check.
Nice guy, but his
breath smelled like shit.

CARRIE
Call him and tell him
Kitty’s been kidnapped
and you need at least
part of the money today.
(looks at her watch)
They might be able to wire it
to your bank right now.
It would take a couple of hours,
but we’ve got time.

BERNIE
Why the fuck would they do THAT?

CARRIE
Can you imagine the publicity?
Lottery saves kidnap victim.
The press’ll jump on it
faster than you can say
‘Kim Kardashian bleaches her sphincter.’

BASIL
That’s fucking BRILLIANT.
(looks at Bernie)
And you let this get one away.
Shame on you.
(to Carrie)
You really are something,
you know that?

CARRIE
All in a day’s skirt --