A Big Stiff One

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In Chapter 22 of LEGS, Episode 3, homicide dick Bernie Keko meets with the head of detectives Larry Lipshitz about catching his mother's kidnappers ... and shooting them ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LARRY LIPSHITZ’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A tiny, cramped room
filled with boxes of files,
walls lined with plaques,
citations and framed photos.

LARRY
I want your report
on my desk before you leave.

BERNIE
He reached for his gun, chief.

LARRY
That may be,
but you went rogue, Bernie --
AND brought a civilian along.
Why didn’t you call for backup?

BERNIE
They kidnapped my MOTHER,
and said NO COPS.
What was I supposed to do?

LARRY
I get where you’re coming from,
but the commissioner is
asking for an investigation --

BERNIE
Shit.

LARRY
How’s your mother?
Is she okay?

BERNIE
No, she’s not okay.
She’s in a fucking COMA.

LARRY
Shit.

BERNIE
We got there just in time.
Fucking crazy,
retarded trailer trash.
(beat)
Assholes --

LARRY
I thought you said
the little brother
was the retarded one.

BERNIE
He is.
But Darryl was pretty close.
We connected him to a
drug store robbery this afternoon.
Idiot stole insulin,
but didn’t get any needles.

LARRY
Now THAT’S retarded.
(beat)
I know you’re supposed
to say 'slow adult' nowadays.
It’s PC -- but I really like
saying 'retarded.'
'Retard.' You know?

BERNIE
Yeah. Me, too.
I hate that shit.
There’s all these words
you can’t say anymore --
oriental, indian, fag --
how are you supposed to
keep track of ‘em?
And when the FUCK did
'Siamese twins'
become 'conjoined?'
What’s up with THAT?

He closes his eyes.
A tear trickles down his cheek.

LARRY
I’m sorry about your mother, Bernie.
Go home and pour yourself
a big, stiff one.
The report can wait
until tomorrow.

BERNIE
(opens his eyes, gets up)
Thanks, Larry.

LARRY
How’s your dad holding up?

BERNIE
Not good.
He’s still in shock.
Won’t talk about it yet.
Denial is a river
that runs in our family.

LARRY
I’ll do the best
I can for you, Bernie. Go on.
Get the fuck outta here.
Have one for me.

Bernie nods.
Walks out.
Larry watches him go.

LARRY
Imagine that.
No more nagging --