The Energizer Pussy

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of LEGS, Episode 3, Carrie gets an 'emergency phone call' from her porn star girlfriend on the set after she's been electrocuted in her cooch. Meanwhile, Basil has a 'bowel emergency,' and races to the bathroom, only to find Meg and Ilona making out, and then simultaneously comes and goes in his pants ...


INT. BERNIE'S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone RINGS.
She fishes it out, listens.

CARRIE
Laura?
Slow down, slow down --
what’s the matter?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - MAKEUP ROOM - DAY
Empty, except for Laura on the couch
wrapped in a blanket.

Eyes red from crying.
Cheeks tear-stained with mascara.

LAURA
He said I’d be in control,
but the fucking pervert LIED.
He zapped my fucking cooch
like the Fourth of July on steriods.
I’m still vibrating.
Can you come pick me up?

CARRIE
Goddamn fucking Nazi.
Can you wait just a little bit?
I’m in the middle
of something right now --

LAURA
You want me to WAIT?
For WHAT?

CARRIE
Laura.
I’ll be there, I promise.
But Bernie’s mother was kidnapped,
and he and I are on our way over
to where the bad guys have her.

LAURA
But he’s your EX.
I’m your NOW.

CARRIE
His mother’s a DIABETIC, Laura.
She could DIE.

LAURA
Oh. Wow. Really?

CARRIE
Really.
Just hold tight,
and I’ll be there
as soon as I can, okay?

LAURA
Okay.
Just HURRY.

CARRIE
I will.
Promise.
(clicks her phone shut)
Goddamn fucking Frankenstein.
(off Bernie’s look)
You don’t wanna know.

BERNIE
Never a dull moment
on the Isle of Lesbo -

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil sits on the couch,
staring at the phone.

Then looks at the entrance
to the kitchen.

BASIL
Wonder what they’re doing?

His eyes screw up, in pain.
Holds his stomach. Winces.

BASIL
Oh, shit.
Not again.

He JUMPS up,
RACES out of the room.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Basil RUNS to the bathroom door.
YANKS it open, RACES in --

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
Sees the girls making out,
Meg’s ass on the sink,
Ilona’s hands all over her.

A rod POPS in his crotch.
He CRIES OUT.

A wet stain starts forming.
He SHITS his pants.

The girls hear it.
Turn. Stare.

Then smell it.
Ilona makes a face.

ILONA
Jesus fucking CHRIST.

MEG
Mr. Keko?
Are you okay?

Basil’s jaw drops.
He PLOPS down on the closet toilet.

Puts his head in his hands.
Unbelievably embarrassed.

BASIL
(quietly)
Could you please leave me alone?

MEG
Yeah, sure. Of course.
Do you wanna take a shower?

BASIL
Yeah. Thanks.

MEG
If you want,
I could wash your pants,
give you a robe to wear.

BASIL
That would be -- very nice.

The phone RINGS in the other room.
They all JERK their heads
in that direction.

MEG
It’s HIM.

BASIL
Go ANSWER it --