A Bird In The Bush

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash kidnapper Darryl Head prepares to rob a drugstore to get insulin for his kidnapping victim Kitty Keko. Meanwhile, patrol officer Megan Paul gets 'up close and personal' with her new partner Ilona Ramirez ...


EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
Behind Darryl’s double-wide
we see Kitty’s red vintage Caddy,
parked so it’s not seen from the road.

A SEEDY-LOOKING GUY (40s),
tall with a belly, going bald,
with long dark hair around the sides
like a heavy metal Friar Tuck
walks up to the car.

Looks around to make sure the coast is clear.
Pulls a metal strip from his pocket.

Slips it through the top of the window.
Pops the lock. Gets in.

Fiddles with the steering column,
and TAKES OFF.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sticks a cheap-looking gun
in the waistband of his jeans.
Adjusts his shirt to hide the bulge.

WENDY
You’re gonna rob the drugstore?

DARRYL
We gotta give the old bag
some insulin, stupid.

WENDY
Fuck you. I’m not stupid.

DARRYL
I’m sorry, June bug.
I’m all on edge.
This isn’t going like I planned.

DENNY
Maybe that’s because you
didn’t have a PLAN.

DARRYL
Shut up, you fucking retard.

DENNY
Stop saying I’m RETARDED.
I’m SLOW.

DARRYL
It’s the same thing, Denny.
It’s just a word.
Like how they changed fag to gay
and negro to black.
It’s not meant as an insult.
You’re my little brother.
You know I love you.

DENNY
(big smile)
And I love YOU.

DARRYL
(goes to the door, opens it)
You got it, retard. See ya.

He leaves.
The door BANGS shut.

DENNY
Hey, WAIT a minute.

EXT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - FRONT YARD - DAY
Darryl comes outside,
walks around to the back of the trailer.
Discovers the car’s gone.

DARRYL
Who stole the fucking CAR?

He KICKS a rock on the gravel driveway.
Walks over to his bike, pissed off.
Unlocks it. Pedals away.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Basil talks on the phone.
Everyone watches him. Hopeful.

BASIL
Hello? Hello?
(looks at Bernie)
I only get voice mail,
and when I try to get the main desk,
I get another recording.

CARRIE
I hate that shit.
You can’t get a fucking person
on the line anymore.

BERNIE
There goes that great idea of yours.

BASIL
Shut up.
It was a great idea.
Just my bad luck
he’s not in the office.

CARRIE
So leave him a voice mail.
Don’t spill the beans,
just tell him that it’s urgent.
Maybe he’ll call back.

BASIL
Good idea.
(to Bernie)
Some help you are.

He starts dialing again.
Meg gets up.

Heads toward the kitchen
with her coffee cup.
Ilona follows with hers.

INT. MEG’S KITCHEN - DAY
Meg goes to the Mr. Coffee.
Pours another cup.
Tops off Ilona’s.

They both take a sip.
Study each other.

ILONA
I always thought Carrie
was a hot tamale. Smart, too.
Bet she was great in the sackarooni.

MEG
(blushes)
Sackarooni?

ILONA
Bet you are, too.

They lock eyes.

MEG
There’s -- people in the next room.

ILONA
(shrugs)
Buncha cops.

MEG
But you’re my -- partner.

ILONA
Well, you know what they say --

She leans in.
Softly kisses Meg.

Lingers a moment.
Then pulls back.

Wicked gleam in her eye.
Meg blushes a deep red.

ILONA
That’ll work.

MEG
(a whsiper)
What do they say?

ILONA
(gently places her hands
on Meg’s breasts)
A bird in the bush
is worth two in the hands.