Twist My Dick

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and super-spy Felina Bella Donna check out James Bond's Astin Martin at the safe house. Meanwhile, 'assassin to the stars' The Bagger gets ready to make his escape ...


EXT. KLAUS’ ESTATE - POOL - NIGHT
Klaus lies on a chaise poolside.
Drugged. Dead to the world.

A large packing of gauze at this crotch
swells his waistband.

The Bagger holds up his prize
in the moonlight.

THE BAGGER
And you wanted to be a stewardess.

CINDY
Makes a nice coin purse.
Rub it and it becomes a steamer trunk.

He pops it in his mouth. Chews.

THE BAGGER
Mmm. Salty.

INT. B'S GARAGE - NIGHT
Carrie, Felina and B admire a
beautiful, gold vintage car.

B
And this, of course, is the Aston Martin.

CARRIE
(strokes the fender)
Now that's a bitchin' set of wheels.

B
The term "bitchin'" hardly
does it justice, Miss Love.
This is a perfect machine. A work of art.
This vehicle has a history.
And it goes from zero to ninety in four seconds.
(beat)
Get inside. Let's see how it fits.

CARRIE
Twist my dick.

She gets behind the wheel.
Buckles up. Totally stoked.

FELINA
I'd say it's a perfect marriage.

CARRIE
Say, isn't this the same kind of car
that James Bond --

B
(laughs)
My darling, sweet detective,
it IS the same car.

Felina jumps in. Looks around.
Opens the glove box.

B (CONT'D)
Cubby gave it to me after the shoot
because I was able to persuade Jill St. John to --
(beat)
Right.

FELINA
So it still has all the gadgets
and who-zits in it, then.

B
Yes, indeed. Except for the ejector seat.
I had that disengaged. It seems that a
cellular phone transmission will activate it --
and, well, in this town --
(beat)
I must say, you two look positively smashing.
Right out of a bloody spy flick.
Go ahead, start her up.

Carrie turns the key. The engine ROARS.

CARRIE
But aren't you going to us show how to work all the --

B
My dear girl, didn't you see the movie?

EXT. KLAUS' DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
From atop the Land Rover, the Bagger with a night scope.

EXT. POOL PATIO - NIGHT
Cindy straddles Klaus, checks his pulse.

CINDY
I'm serious! I don't think he's breathing!

IN THE DRIVEWAY
the Bagger doesn't hear her.

THE BAGGER
We have to transport the patient.
I see a little piggy coming.

ON THE PATIO
Klaus' eyes SNAP open.
He GRABS her by the throat.

KLAUS
Hey, doctor -- wanna neck?

She SCREAMS, struggles.
He JERKS her head with a crack.

KLAUS (
Whoops.
(beat)
And I didn't even get your name.

THE BAGGER
hears the commotion. Jumps off the car.

VALENTINE’S VEHICLE
stops at the gate to the driveway.

KLAUS
drags Cindy away.

THE BAGGER
gets in the Land Rover. Ducks down.

THE BAGGER
Here, piggy, piggy.

INT. VALENTINE'S CAR - NIGHT
He speaks into the radio.

VALENTINE
West Hollywood?
Yeah, this is officer Valentine,
Santa Monica Homicide.
I need back up, as much as you got.
There's an officer in trouble,
1157 Queens Road -- up in the hills.

INT. KLAUS' KITCHEN - NIGHT
A siren SCREAMS somewhere not too far away.

Klaus opens a drawer. Pulls out a gun.
A bottle of pills.

He downs a handful.
Stuffs it in his pocket.

Goes to the freezer.
Takes out a pair of bowling ball bags.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - ROAD - NIGHT
A lone street lamp. Crickets chirp.
Klaus stands in the middle of the road.

A flash of headlights strikes him in the eyes.
A black super-stretch limousine screeches to a stop.

THE CAR’S
window slides down.
The PONYTAILED DRIVER leans over.

PONYTAILED DRIVER
Jesus Christ, buddy,
I almost ran over you.
You should be careful.

He notices Klaus' wild, disheveled look.

PONYTAILED DRIVER
Is everything okay?

KLAUS
(strange smile)
My car broke down, and I was wondering --
(whips out a gun)
If you'd give me a lift.