Eat Your Heart Out, Copper

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of WILSHIRE BOULEVARD, private eye Carrie Love hears gunshots next door, so she goes over to investigate ... and gets knocked out. When she wakes up, she's confronted by her ex, knockout B-movie queen Landon Hall ...


EXT. CARRIE’S JOINT - BATHROOM - DAY
The spazzy, liquid surf guitar and sax
of the Brian Setzer Orchestra’s
HOLLYWOOD NOCTURNE wails over --

Carrie in a short, silk robe.
Hair up in a towel. Fresh-scrubbed. Wholesome.
If you squint your eyes. She pads into --

THE KITCHEN
and goes to the fridge.
Grabs an energy drink. CRACKS it open.
Takes a sip. Looks out the window over the sink at --

THE HOUSE ACROSS THE ALLEY
an old, white-clapboard bungalow, like hers.
But this one is in serious disrepair.

Gunshots suddenly POP! POP! POP!

CARRIE
Sounds like the natives are restless.

She goes to the counter.
Reaches into a wicker basket.
Pulls out -- nothing.

CARRIE
My Magnum --
(beat)
Shit.

She opens a cupboard.
Pulls out a GLOCK.

Goes to the back door. Opens it.
Steps out into the alley. Listens.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Two people lived next door to me.
Paul Martune and Kip Slobotnik. Both assholes.
Maybe this was my lucky day. Maybe they were dead.

Carrie creeps up to the back door.
Puts her ear to the door.

CARRIE (V.O.)
All was quiet. Too quiet.
I could hear my heartbeat thump-thumping in my chest.

Footsteps. They stop. Carrie turns --

CARRIE (V.O.)
I felt a CRACK on my head.
(she falls, hits the ground)
And I fell down, deep down into a black hole,
swimming, under water, the current pulling me down, down, down --
(beat)
Until I was gone.

EXT. CARRIE’S JOINT - REAR ALLEY - DUSK
Carrie lies on the flagstones. Towel askew.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Carrie? Are you okay?!

A YOUNG WOMAN (20’s) approaches,
all legs, boobs and hair.

Meet LANDON HALL, B-movie queen,
Carrie’s neighbor, former flame,
and complete knockout in a bikini and Rollerblades.

She shuffles over to Carrie’s body.

LANDON
Carrie!

She tries to reach down.
But the wheels SLIP on the smooth stone,
and she FLIPS up, and lands on her ass with a CRACK.

LANDON
OW.
(beat)
Shit --

Carrie stirs. Opens her eyes. Looks at Landon.

CARRIE
Hey, doll-face.

LANDON
Hey, you. Are you okay? What happened?

Carrie rubs the back of her head.
Looks at her hand.

CARRIE
I heard gunshots, came over to check it out --
(beat)
And that’s the last I remember.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Well, that’s convenient.
Given that there’s a dead body in the living room.

Homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40’s) appears.
Rugged good looks. Formerly buff, now a bit gone to seed.

World-weary eyes stare at the women,
the expanse of soft flesh.

CARRIE
Bernie. What the fuck are you doing here?

BERNIE
Well, let’s see -- when I heard on the police scanner
that gunshots were fired, next door to your place,
I just HAD to check out what trouble my ex-wife was in.

CARRIE
Hey. I was assaulted. I’m a citizen --

LANDON
THAT’S your ex-husband?

CARRIE
Unfortunately. Bernie, Landon, Landon, Bernie.

BERNIE
Please to meet you.
I saw that movie you did with Dana Plato,
'Two Jills & A Jack.'

CARRIE
Bernie --

BERNIE
Hey. It isn’t every day a guy
gets to meet a real live movie star --

LANDON
Aw --

CARRIE
Bernie --

BERNIE
(to Landon)
So was your affair with my wife
research for the role,
or are you a card-carrying
carpet-muncher, too?

LANDON
What?

CARRIE
Ignore him.

Carrie pulls Landon up. They hug.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
C’mon, babe. Let’s get dressed.
I think we’ve given him enough
jerk-off material for now.

LANDON
(fake-shocked)
Carrie!

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
Eat your heart out, copper.

BERNIE
You ladies get dressed.
I wanna check out the crime scene.
Then I’ll have some questions for you.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Royally pissed.

CARRIE
Don’t hurry on my account --