Only The Real Tuna Gets To Be Star-Fucked

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and super-spy Felina Bella Donna are being held captive by snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer in his dungeon, when suddenly they get a visit from 'assassin to the stars' The Bagger ...

INT. KLAUS' BASEMENT DUNGEON - NIGHT
Carrie's eyes flicker. She fights the drug.

CARRIE
Why did you do it, Klaus?
What the fuck did Laura do
that put over the edge, huh?
Was it because she left you?
I can't believe a big, Teutonic stud
like you would freak out over
losing a little snatch.

FELINA
Carrie, I don't think --

CARRIE
Shut up! I wanna know!
I was just living my life,
doing my job, catching a few bad guys,
fucking up a few marriages,
fucking my chick -- and this fuck,
this Nazi prick has to fucking
CUT OFF her fucking head!
I wanna know WHY.

Klaus wipes his forehead.
His skin is darker. Mottled.

KLAUS
You women think you're so smart.
That you're better than us.
That you have power over us --
because you control when we have sex.
(beat)
Well the joke's on you, Miss Legs.
I bet you had no idea.

CARRIE
No idea of what.

KLAUS
No idea.

CARRIE
No idea of what.

KLAUS
You sure you want to know?

CARRIE
Tell me, you fucking stormtrooper!

KLAUS
You really sure?
I don't think you could handle it.
No, no, no -- you freak out, that's for sure.

CARRIE
(quiet)
Just tell me. Please.

KLAUS
Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you.
(with relish)
Well, you see -- the funny thing is,
your little Laura?
(beat)
Used to be called LARRY.

He makes a “snip-snip” motion at his crotch.

CARRIE
How the hell did you know about that?

KLAUS
Sorry, Carrie.
Only the real tuna get to be star-fucked.

CARRIE
So that’s why you flipped out.
You’re not the cutting edge of kink,
you’re a just a garden-variety homophobe!

An urgent KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.

ZIVA (O.C.)
Klaus, it's me, Ziva! Open up!

KLAUS
This is not a good time,
my little petunia. Come back later.

ZIVA (O.C.)
Klaus! It's a fucking emergency!
That crackhead Roz grabbed the cash box,
and now he's up in the DJ booth with a gun!

KLAUS
(pulls out his piece)
I'll be right there!
(to the women)
You two stay put.
And don't forget the camera is rolling.
I'd hate to see this become a short subject.

He goes to the door. RIPS it open.
Ziva in the doorway.

ZIVA
Klaus, run! It's a trap --

A knife flashes. SLITS HER THROAT.
She falls with a THUD.

The Bagger appears.
Waving a red-smeared butcher knife.

THE BAGGER
Put 'em where I can see 'em, Speer.
And relax your sphincter muscles,
cause I'm coming in.

He licks blood off the knife.

THE BAGGER (CONT'D)
Mmm, low T-cell count. Delicious.

KLAUS
Norman. Now this is a pleasant surprise.
Please come in. I hope you're still not mad at me.

The Bagger sees the women. The set.
The camera. Walks around.

THE BAGGER
I'm sorry to disrupt your creative process,
Speer, but we're going on a little trip.

VOICE (O.C.)
Everybody FREEZE! You're under arrest!

VALENTINE
stands in the doorway.
With a pair of sawed-off shotguns.

VALENTINE
I swear, either one of you so much as fart,
and I'll fucking blow your dick off.

KLAUS
Why is everybody so preoccupied with my willy?

VALENTINE
Get on the fucking floor, now!

O’HENRY
appears next to Valentine.
With a pair of service revolvers.

O'HENRY
You heard the officer, DO IT.

They lie down.

VALENTINE
O'Henry, you motherfucker.
Glad you could make it.

O'HENRY
Hey, what are partners for.
(beat)
I finished the puzzle.