Armed And Extremely Fucked Up

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and super-spy Felina Bella Donna infiltrate drag hangout Club Illusions in search of demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer ... with disastrous results.


EXT. CLUB ILLUSIONS - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Dance music pumps, shrieks from inside.
Ziva takes cash from a tall, SCARY DRAG QUEEN.

ZIVA
Hey there, Miss flawless runway thing.
Gonna get a little midnight snack?

SCARY DRAG QUEEN
Honey, It's all about beef, pork --
and maybe a little chicken.
(on her way in)
I'll try to bring you a doggie bag.

Carrie and Felina approach.

ZIVA
Well, if it isn't the magnificent twosome.
Feeling like a little change of pace tonight,
or did you lose your butt plug?

CARRIE
(slaps money in her palm)
We're here to see the show, darling.

FELINA
Maybe get some fashion tips.

INT. CLUB ILLUSIONS - BACK BAR - CONTINUOUS
Carrie and Felina stake out the back of the club.

CARRIE
Can you say "deja vu?"

FELINA
There's no place like home.

The BARTENDER approaches,
a muscle-bound jock-cretin.

BARTENDER
Ladies, you two are fuckin' hot.
I almost thought you were real.
Let me buy you a drink.

FELINA
(bristling)
'Real?' Listen, closet case --

CARRIE
(to Felina)
Shhh --
(to the Bartender)
Do you have coffee?
We'd kill for a couple of cups of Joe.

Hearing their voices,
he realizes they're "real."

BARTENDER
Yeah, sure. Hey, listen, I'm sorry --

INT. CLUB ILLUSIONS - FRONT BAR - CONTINUOUS
A stunning ASIAN QUEEN sidles up to the Bagger.

THE BAGGER
(to the bartender)
Can I get a Campari and soda?

BARTENDER
A what?

ASIAN QUEEN
(sultry)
Hi there. How you doing tonight?

The Bagger checks her out, smiles.
She bats her eyelashes.

THE BAGGER
Hi yourself. Buy you a drink?
(to the bartender)
Just give me what she's having.

EXT. CLUB ILLUSIONS / CURB - CONTINUOUS
Valentine sits in the Excaliber.
Talks on the radio.

A pair of TRANNY HOOKERS
approach the car.

VALENTINE
The suspect is armed
and extremely fucked up.
I can't wait for you, I'm going in.

He hangs up. Gets out of the car.

BLACK TRANNY HOOKER
Hey, Poppie, that's a pretty car.
You lookin for a date?

WHITE TRANNY HOOKER
We give you special deal for both of us.

VALENTINE
(flashes his badge)
If you 'ladies' are smart,
you'll take your silicone somewhere else.
There's some serious shit about to go down.

INT. CLUB FUCK - IN A DARK CORNER - CONTINUOUS
Felina twiddles an earring
with her thumb and forefinger.

FELINA
They're Japanese chemical weapons --
still experimental, but I've
been classified to beta-test them.
The target is infected with a
non-communicative cross-strain
of Leprosy and the Bubonic Plague --
full-blown, in three minutes.

CARRIE
That's totally evil.
(beat)
And so cool.

Felina takes them off.
Hands one to Carrie.

CARRIE
And what, you throw it?

Felina instructs.
Pops it in her mouth.

FELINA
You keep it under your tongue --
and when the time is right --
you spit the little bugger.
'Dead, you’re it.'

CARRIE
(puts it under her tongue)
But what if you swallow it?

FELINA
You make like a bulimic, darling.

AT THE BACK BAR
the Bagger surveys the action.

THE BAGGER
Now THIS is a nightclub.

IN THE KITCHEN
Carrie lurches over to the sink.

FELINA
Are you okay?

She turns on a faucet.
Splashes her face.

CARRIE
The fucking coffee -- I think it's --

She collapses to the floor. Thwunk.

FELINA
(tries to revive her)
Come on, baby, wake up,
wake up, wake up.
(getting no reaction)
I don't get it.
How could it affect her, but not --
(convulses, hits the floor)
Me.