Slow Dance With The Devil

Hey there, crime kids. Happy FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of LEGS, the shit hits the fan when private eye Carrie Love and super-spy Felina Bella Donna chase after demented German snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer in the Hollywood Hills. Meanwhile, Klaus hitches a ride with a certain notorious auteur ...


EXT. B'S DRIVEWAY - NIGHT
The Aston Martin takes off.

CARRIE (O.C.)
He's on the run. People are after him.
And he's going to Club Fuck? Why?
So he can give one last spanking?

FELINA (O.C.)
Darling, he owns the place.
That's where he does postproduction.

INSIDE THE CAR

CARRIE
How could I be so thick?
It was right in front of my fucking face.

Felina lights two smokes.
Hands one to Carrie.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Thanks, doll.

Carrie takes a long drag.
Smiles sadly at Felina.

FELINA
Come on, tell me. What is it?

CARRIE
Laura told me she was dating
the owner of Club Fuck, but she broke it off --
(beat)
When she met me.

EXT. KLAUS' GARAGE - PRODUCTION STUDIO - CONTINUOUS
Valentine draws his gun. Starts up the stairs.

THE BAGGER
guns the engine. RIPS the vehicle into reverse.

VALENTINE
hears the car. Runs back down.

VALENTINE
Hey!

IN THE DRIVEWAY
tires SQUEALING, the Land Rover SMASHES a mailbox.

Valentine TEARS down the driveway after it.

EXT. PRIVATE ROAD - GATE - CONTINUOUS
The SUV RAMS the sedan. CRUNCHES it like an accordion.

Peels off down the road.
Valentine RUNS after it.

THE BAGGER
speaks into his wristwatch.

THE BAGGER
Hello, Mary Lou? We have a problem.

VALENTINE
kicks the tire of his ruined car.

VALENTINE
Goddammit.

A floodlight FLASHES on.
A WOMAN'S voice pierces the air.

WOMAN (O.C.)
What the fuck is going on out there?

VALENTINE
Police business, Ma'am.

MORGAN FAIRCHILD appears.

MORGAN
Do you know what fucking time it is?
(sees Valentine)
Well, hello there, officer.
Is everything okay?
Is there anything I can do to help?

EXT./INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Klaus leans in the window.

KLAUS
Or did I catch you at a bad time.

He clicks the safety on his Ruger.

PONYTAILED DRIVER
No, not at all, please, get in.
Just don't shoot me, man,
please don't fuckin' shoot me.

Klaus climbs in.
Jams the weapon under the driver's chin.

KLAUS
We're gonna take a left at the turn
and go down the hill.
And no monkey companies, got it?

PONYTAILED DRIVER
M-monkey business? I'm cool, I'm cool.

The partition separating the back compartment slides down.
Smooth, 70's soul music softly THUMPS.

SITTING IN THE REAR
are QUENTIN TARANTINO and HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
They hold cocktails and cigars.

HARVEY
Hey! Fuck-face!
What are you fucking doing,
buying girl scout cookies?
We're gonna be late for the screening!

They see Klaus, and the gun.

QUENTIN
Great, asshole, just great.
Don't you know not to pick up hitchhikers,
especially in the fucking hills?
(to Klaus)
Let me guess.
You've written a screenplay.

Klaus points his gun at the men,
GIGGLES maniacally.

KLAUS
Shut the fuck up, boy wonder.
This is isn't one of your stupid movies.

HARVEY
Now listen, you little punk.
Do you know who the fuck I am?
I'm Harvey Weinstein!
I buy and sell scumbags
like you for breakfast!
I fucking slow dance with the devil!

KLAUS
Sorry fat boy, you have to talk to my agent.

Klaus SHOOTS the driver in the head,
turns around, GRINS.

Weinstein and Tarantino are in SHOCK.

He leans over, opens the door,
SHOVES the body out.

KLAUS (cont'd)
Not bad for a cold reading, huh?

EXT. GARAGE - NIGHT
Valentine backs up a shiny yellow Excaliber convertible.

MORGAN
You sure I can’t come with you?

VALENTINE
It’s against the law, Miss Fairchild.
I could lose my badge.
(beat)
By the way, Miss Fairchild?

MORGAN
Please. Call me Morgan.

VALENTINE
(thrilled)
Morgan. You know those Old Navy ads?

MORGAN
(big smile)
Sure -- you like them?

VALENTINE
Hell, yeah.
That old lady with the big glasses?
She’s fucking hysterical.
Makes me bust a gut every time.

EXT. QUEENS ROAD - NIGHT
The Aston Martin cruises downhill.

INSIDE THE CAR
Carrie downshifts with a vengeance.

FELINA
It's not Club Fuck tonight, you know.

CARRIE
Shit, that's right, I forgot.
What is it tonight?

FELINA
"Club Illusions."
Where all your dreams come true.

She giggles. Carrie arches an eyebrow.

CARRIE
Oh? And just what sort of dreams,
agent Bella Donna?

FELINA
Women of mystery -- with a little surprise.
(beat)
I believe here in the States you call them --
'chicks with dicks.'