The Spy Who Saved Me

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters! Welcome to the 700th post on That Killing Feeling. Wow. Hard to believe I've been doing this so long. Time flies when your having guns ...

But enough self-congratulatory back-slapping. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 24 of LEGS, just as private eye Carrie Love and dominatrix/super-spy Felina Bella Donna make their escape, 'assassin to the stars' The Bagger and his trusty assistant Cindy trap demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer in his swimming pool ...


EXT. KLAUS’ ESTATE - POOL - NIGHT
The water is still. Black.
A pipe pokes through the surface.
A shadowy figure below.

Cindy marches onto the diving board
with her bazooka.

The lights flick on,
revealing Klaus under the surface.

CINDY
You were right, Norman.
He's in the pool.
(to herself)
Like shooting frogs in a barrel.
(to Klaus)
Up periscope, skipper --
and lemmee see your torpedo.

Klaus surfaces.

CINDY (CONT'D)
Hey, little froggie,
nice night for a dip?

The Bagger approaches.
Cradling his rocket launcher.

THE BAGGER
It's fish in a barrel, you dumb blonde.
And I told you not to call me Norman.
You call me Norman one more time
and I'll rip off your fake tits.

CINDY
(points weapon at him)
You try that, and I'll
blow you a fourth input.

THE BAGGER
Hey. That's my expression.
And I only have two inputs.
(beat)
Just like you.

CINDY
Oh yeah?

THE BAGGER
Yeah.

CINDY
Whataya gonna do about it?
(beat)
NORMAN.

THE BAGGER
Fucking CUNT.

He FLIPS the bazooka
to the left -- BLAM.

Cindy's pink Miatta
EXPLODES in a ball of flames.

CINDY
is speechless.
The junior assassin’s eyes
fill with tears.

CINDY
I just made the last payment
on my little Mary.

She starts SOBBING.

THE BAGGER
Hey, now. Don't cry.
Please don't cry.
You know how I hate it
when you cry.

CINDY
Y-you killed her.

THE BAGGER
What can I do to make it up to you,
my little flower?

She thinks a moment.
Then brightens.
Pulls out a scalpel.

CINDY
You can let me circumcise him.

Klaus freaks.
Dives back under surface.

THE BAGGER
No, no, no --
we have to bring him in --
in one piece.

CINDY
Don't worry.
I’ve done it before.

Pause.

THE BAGGER
Can I have the foreskin?

She gives him a thumbs up.

THE BAGGER (CONT'D)
Are we happy now?

She nods excitedly. Eyes sparkling.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - ROAD - NIGHT
Carrie and Felina stop at a street.
Breathless. Wind-blown.

CARRIE
I am not happy.
These heels are fucking killing me.
These mules were not made for mountaineering.

She grimaces. Pulls off a shoe.
Then the other.

FELINA
You think I'm happy?
I had that bloody freak
right in the palm of my hand.

CARRIE
Is this the spy who loved me?
The spy who said she'd save me?
I guess it's true what they say
about dominants.

FELINA
What the fuck do they say
about dominants?

CARRIE
Oh -- just that deep inside the heart
of the cruelest mistress hides
the sweetest, softest,
submissive little girl.

Felina's speechless.
Carrie slaps her butt playfully.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
So let's haul ass,
and that's an order.
My feet are fucking freezing.

EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT
A pair of high heels get splashed with water.

EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - CONTINUOUS
A late-model unmarked police vehicle
flies down the strip.

IN THE CAR
Valentine yells out the window.

VALENTINE
Sorry, lady!

AT THE CURB

WOMAN
Fucking chollo GREASEBALL.

EXT. ESTATE - NIGHT
Carrie and Felina walk down
an obscenely long driveway.
Holding hands.
Dwarfed by the lush expanse.

CARRIE (V.O.)
We barely escaped with our panties on.
The most wanted man on the planet
wants us for dinner.
The hunters are now the prey.
(beat)
And I'm holding hands with her
like I'm in fucking high school.
(beat)
Scratch that. I hated high school.
(beat)
Admit it, you think I'm
just into Felina on the rebound.
That I'm just some codependent chick
that swoons at the first pretty face
that reaches up my skirt.
(beat)
I'm going to ask you a question.
You know that passionate,
rip your fingernails down her back
kinda sex is like a drug, right?
(beat)
Ever shot heroin in your cooch?