The Naked City

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of LEGS, things explode into a four-way chase as Carrie Love races to snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer's hideout in the James Bond Astin Martin, as Klaus follows her in Quentin Tarantino's limo, followed by evil assassin The Bagger, who's followed by officer Jesus Valentine ...


INT. LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Funky soul music plays.

Tarantino chats with Klaus.

QUENTIN
So Klaus, can I call you Klaus?

Klaus turns around,
eyes druggy slits, grins evilly.

QUENTIN
Okay, good, good, good.
Great, great.
So, ah -- you like John Woo?

No response.

QUENTIN
He's Japanese, directs incredible,
beautiful violent action.
You'd love his stuff, I know it.
Anyway, I'm writing this thing,
and ah, it's about this
loser director who makes really good,
really beautiful snuff films,
you know, with fabulous production value.
He's German. The son of a Nazi war criminal,
but no one knows it, not even him --

Harvey Weinstein ROARS.

HARVEY
Fuckin' A, Quentin!
You're right! He's perfect!
You're a fuckin' genius!

They SLAP palms.

QUENTIN
(to Klaus)
Anyway -- have you ever
done any acting, Klaus?
Cause I swear,
you'd be fucking perfect.
I mean, the way you got Cosmo,
just fucking WHAM,
just fucking shot him
in the head. No muss, no fuss.
Shit. That was awesome.

EXT. QUEENS ROAD - NIGHT
The limo turns onto Queens going downhill,
right behind the Aston Martin.
The Land Rover pulls up behind the limo.

IN THE LAND ROVER
the Bagger holds up a CD with glee.

THE BAGGER
I don't believe it.

He shoves it in, cranks up LOUD
a heavy metal cover of
THE TRA LA LA SONG
from THE BANANA SPITS
60’s cartoon show.

THE BAGGER
(sings)
Tra-la-la, la-la-la-la,
tra-la-la, la-la-la-la --

His cell phone RINGS.
He answers it.

THE BAGGER
It's about fucking time.
(into the phone)
Bagger here.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. PENTAGON - BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT

BUREAU CHIEF
Turn that fucking music down!

He does.

BUREAU CHIEF
Now you listen to me,
and listen good, mister.
We're gonna pretend
that little open air surgery
didn't happen back there
at the Speer estate.
ust keep following him
and hold him until we arrive,
do you understand?
Do I make myself clear?

Pause.

THE BAGGER
Following who?

ANGRY AGENT
Following Speer, asshole!
He's driving the limo
in front of you!

THE BAGGER
(to himself)
He is?

WHITE LAB COAT AGENT
Listen to me carefully,
you fucking freak.
All we want you to do is
keep him at the club.
The stealth team is almost there.

Norman doesn’t like this news.

THE BAGGER
Oh yeah? Well, fuck you.

INT./EXT. LAND ROVER - CONTINUOUS
The Bagger hangs up.
Cranks up the music.
Starts singing.

THE BAGGER
One banana, two banana,
three banana, four,
four bananas in a bunch
with so many more --

INT./EXT. EXCALIBER - CONTINUOUS
Valentine pushes the pedal to the metal.

VALENTINE
(on the radio)
Hello, West Hollywood?
Where the fuck are you,
jerking off? Buying lubricant?
I need back up, NOW!
I'm in pursuit of the suspect,
going south on Queens Road
toward Sunset! Do you copy?

DISPATCHER (O.C.)
You said it was north on Queens road!
Your back up just got there!
Where are you headed now?

VALENTINE
I just told you, dick-head!
I'm in pursuit! It's called a chase!

He slams off the radio,
sees something, smiles.

THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD
is the Land Rover,
coming out of a hairpin turn.

VALENTINE (O.C.)
Okay, Nazi boy --
it's just you and me.

EXT. QUEENS ROAD - AERIAL SHOT - CONTINUOUS
The Aston Martin
twists and turns down the hill --
followed by the limo --
then the Land Rover --
then the Excaliber.

CARRIE (V.O.)
They say there's a million stories
in the naked city.
(beat)
I wish this was one of them.
(beat)
Ever feel like your life is
like a cheesy syndicated action hour?
Hell, I'd settle for even that.
Because at least on TV,
the good guy always wins.
Here in Tinsletown,
the best looking,
the most art-directed always wins.
Here in the City of Angels,
it's style over substance, babe.
(beat)
Wait a minute.
Maybe we've got a chance after all --