Trouble Is My Business

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In Chapter 3 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, wayward cop Carrie Love gets in a jam trying to help an old Chinese woman who's been mugged. Meanwhile porn star Laura Lang, on the set, explains to the makeup girl the joys of bondage gear.


EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - DAY
An OLD CHINESE WOMAN trundles by
carrying a bag of laundry.

Suddenly a young STREET KID runs up.
GRABS her handbag --

And dashes off down the street.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
Hey! Muthafucka, yoo come back here!

And, big surprise --
she takes off after him.

CARRIE
sees the commotion --

CARRIE
Goddammit!

JAMS the car into gear --
and TAKES OFF.

The coffee FLIES in the air,
drenching her shirt, her lap.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Fuck!
(out the window)
Hey, you! Stop! Police!

EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The kid TEARS ASS down the alley at lightning speed.

Carrie’s car SCREECHES up
right behind him, and --
just as it looks like
she’s going to run him over --

He feints left, then DASHES to the right --
into a narrow alley between buildings.

CARRIE
flies by. SCREECHES to a halt.
JAMS into reverse. Fishtails.
CRUNCHES the gravel.

She HITS the gas,
ROARS into the alley.

CARRIE
They’re gonna kill me
at the auto pool --

IN THE ALLEY
The thief gets to the other end.
Trips. OOF.

CARRIE’S CAR
BARRELS down the alley,
the sides of the frame SHRIEKING,
SCRAPING against the buildings,
sparks FLYING --

THE KID
gets up. Sees Carrie’s vehicle
coming toward him. Takes off.

CARRIE’S CAR
reaches a door stoop at the end of the alley.
Her right front fender CRUNCHES into it.
Headlight POPS.

The sedan’s wheels SPIN madly
in the soft earth.

She shuts off the engine.
It SPUTTERS, CLANK.

CARRIE
This day is NOT getting off
to a very good start.

Just then, BANGING
on passenger-side window.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Hey! What the FUCK
do you think you’re doing?

CARRIE
(flashes her badge)
Police business, you fat fuck.
Get the fuck out of my face.

And, to add insult in injury --
the CHINESE WOMAN
appears in front of the car.

With the kid in a choke-hold.
She SHOVES him onto the ground.
GRABS her purse. Yells --

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
If you be doing yoo job,
I no have to ruin ten-dolla shoes!

She stomps off.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
(leans in the window)
Jesus. You really a cop?
You reek of booze.

CARRIE
At least I don’t reek of BO, asshole.
Now get the fuck outta here
before I cite you
for smelling like shit.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Jeez. No need to be nasty.

CARRIE
Listen, doll.
Nasty’s my middle name.
And trouble is my business.
(beat)
You really wanna be a customer?

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - AT THE SAME TIME
A glossy monstrosity flying out
over a cliff on stilts.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bizarrely chipper German synth-pop percolates over --

A porn shoot in full swing.
GRIPS, CREW, ‘TALENT.’

A pair of pneumatic BLONDES
do hot things with an ice sculpture.

The director is KLAUS SPEER (50s),
an Icabod Crane of a decayed
Jeremy Irons on Prozac.

He stares at Bruce Ball,
working as the DP quizzically.
Lights up a red Sherman’s.

BRUCE
(offers his camcorder)
I said, wanna take a peek?

KLAUS
Like I wanna see ze close up
of Cherry’s butt-hole.

CHERRY
(stops the action, turns)
I heard that.

INT. UPSTAIRS - MASTER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LAURA LANG (25), blonde,
impossibly Brit-beautiful.
Indigo eyes burn with mischief.

Cruel lips sneer with promises
best not kept.

Right now she’s reading SKIN TWO,
a glossy fetish magazine
while her face is painted.

LAURA
Cherry Sunday is a filthy cunt.
(sees a picture)
C’or, look at that.
That’d be so fuckin’ hot on me.

Makeup artist ZETTE DUQUESNE (28),
a French, raven-haired martini poured
into a leather goblet, looks, smiles grimly.

ZETTE
How in ze hell you suppose to go pee-pee?

LAURA
Darling. That’s the whole point.

INT. FIRING RANGE - DAY
Carrie assumes the stance.
Untouchable in leather and denim.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Some women own a vibrator.

She SQUEEZES off a flurry of SHOTS --
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

CARRIE (V.O.)
And others prefer something stronger.

A silky SWAT TEAM BABE
takes position in the next stall.

Turns her head. WINKS at Carrie.
Starts SHOOTING.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Me. I prefer Classic Coke.

She aims. Breathes. And --

CARRIE (V.O.)
With a lot of rum. On the beach.
In a tall glass of something brunette.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!