My So-Called Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. Are you ready for the work-weak? Then it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives -- and ex-lovers -- Carrie Love and Bernie Keko listen to an audiotape that teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty left at the scene of her latest murder, and grudgingly start working together to solve the case ...


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - LIPSHITZ’S OFFICE - DAY
Carrie and Bernie sit across
from Larry at this desk.
They examine a stack of photos.

CARRIE
That’s a lot of catgut.
It’s as if the killer
wanted her to look like a doll.
What kind of sick fuck
does this to a ten-year-old?

KEKO
A perverted, pyscho-sexual
sick fuck, that’s who.
I studied this at the academy --
this kinda guy gets off on --

CARRIE
What makes you so sure it’s a guy?
(shoves photo in his face)
It’s obvious that this is
the work of a female.
Look at that stitching.

LIPSHITZ
(shouts)
Can it, you two --
people are dead!
This is the most horrific
crime wave in our city’s history --
these ‘reimaginations’ of
famous film fatalities
are the shame of our modern age,
a blight on our
collective consciousness --
which we have to put to an end.
We must find this madman.
(beat)
Or madwoman.

CARRIE
Nice speech, Lare --
you thinking of running for office?

LIPSHITZ
There was an audiocassette
left at the scene. Listen up.

He reaches around, punches
a button on his boom box.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Ah-hem. Testing, testing.
Is this on?
(giggles)
Okay.
(beat)
‘Silence of the Lambs’
grossed 130 million in 1991,
and swept the Oscars.
Pretty good for a
suspense-horror flick about
a cannibal, don’tcha think?
Buh-bye, Ghandi.
Not my underwear, Rain Main.
See ya later, Gladiator.
(beat)
Since this puppies’ been
sequeled to death,
this stunning tableau
is from my original fan fiction.
So I posit this query to you,
my beloved audience --
what if my man Hannibal
had a little sister?
I call this installation
‘Hannah Lecter. My so-called fuck.’
(beat)
For investor relations, a press kit,
or other inquiries,
please contact my manager,
Bruce Ball at Miracle Pictures --
where 'if it’s a good film,
it’s a miracle.'

Larry punches it off.
Looks at Carrie and Bernie.

CARRIE
I love it when I’m right.

KEKO
The woman’s voice.
I’ve heard it before.

CARRIE
Me, too. Recently.

They exchange looks.

KEKO
We’ve got Ilona analyzing the tape.
The background noise indicates
that it was recorded above a nightclub.

CARRIE
Well, that narrows it down.
(beat)
What if I told you
Ball’s not involved?
That miss Movie Phone
is acting alone?

KEKO
Now that’s a stretch --
some chick killed
two dozen people
all by herself?

LIPSHITZ
Can it with the misogyny, Bernie.
I need you two to go pick up Balls.
It’s all we’ve got to go on.

CARRIE
Ball. His name is Ball.

LIPSHITZ
I knew that.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
Come one, former flame, let’s book.
We got a testicle to pick up.

KEKO
(motions)
Ladies first.
She regards him coolly.
Doesn’t move.

He shrugs, goes for the door.
Carrie follows.

LIPSHITZ
You’re just bringing him
in for questioning.
I don’t want any more
of your hijinks.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Carrie and Bernie each go to their cars,
parked side-by-side.

KEKO
We’ll take my car.

CARRIE
Sorry. Don’t do the
penis extension thing.
SUV-intolerant.

KEKO
You’re going to make this
as difficult as possible, huh.

CARRIE
Hey -- hijinks ensue.