Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. Are you ready for the weak-end? It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love gets in hot water with her boss, Chief Larry Lipshitz, much to the delight of her former partner Bernie Keko. Meanwhile, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty takes a trip to the video store for inspiration ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - EXIT - NIGHT
Larry chases after Carrie and Bernie.

LIPSHITZ
I hate surprises, Legs.
Tell me what she said.

CARRIE
(pushes the door open)
We can’t tell you yet, Lare --
don’t want to let the cat out of her pants.
But I promise, when I do --
you’ll be the first to know.

KEKO
(blocks the door)
She’s lying, Carrie.
You’re so full of shit
it makes my head spin.
(to Larry)
We got bupkiss, chief.

CARRIE
Bupkiss? Nice vocabulary.
Get the fuck out of my way.

KEKO
Nice mouth. Officer.
(to Larry)
She promised Miss Range Rover immunity --
and all she did was give up her boss.

CARRIE
I’ll give you something
if you don’t get out of my way.

LIPSHITZ
Stay right there, you too.
You’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

CARRIE
The Ricky Ricardo routine isn’t
gonna work this time, chief.
Just let me do my job.
Don’t I always get results?

Pause.

LIPSHITZ
I like you Carrie, I really like you.
In spite of your attitude, your insults,
your total disregard for procedure --
I like you.
(beat)
That’s why this kills me.
But I’m afraid I’m going to have to
ask for your badge and your gun.
You’re suspended for a week.

CARRIE
What?

KEKO
Yes!

CARRIE
You’re suspending me?

LIPSHITZ
Like a Catholic girl who’s been caught
with her hand in the cookie puss.
(beat)
Your badge and your gun, Carrie. Please.

She bitterly, painfully -- hands them over.

LIPSHITZ
You wanna know what the straw was
that bent the camel’s dick?

CARRIE
To be honest with you, Lare --
I could really give a shit.
There’s a copycat serial killer
working her way through
the hot 100 movie murders --
and you’re gonna take me out of the game?

LIPSHITZ
Consider it a seventh-inning stretch.
(beat)
Daerr’s lawyer hit the roof.
You kept the ice princess
in a holding cell for an hour --
and then an interrogation room for three.
Without counsel. A phone call.
Or a trip to the fucking head.
When the shyster finally got to her,
after her father called him --
she’d wet her pants.

KEKO
That’s a shame. Those were nice pants.

CARRIE
I was trying a new strategy.

KEKO
Nicotine withdrawal’s a bitch.
And so are you.

LIPSHITZ
Do you know who the fuck her father is?

CARRIE
Some rich asshole?

LIPSHITZ
Think dinosaurs.
Feel-good concentration camp comedies.
Cuddly, sexless aliens.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Light bulb flickering.

DISSOLVE TO:

An E.T. T-SHIRT. Faded. Original owner.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
The shirt is worn by a PRETTY MEXICAN MAID (18).
She pushes a cart in front of Sparkle’s door. KNOCK-KNOCKS.

IN THE BATHROOM
Bruce jerks against his restraints.
BANG, BANGS on the pipe.

IN THE HALLWAY
The maid hears something, but --

ANGRY MALE BOSS (O.S.)
Effie! I toldya to clean up the bathroom in 12 --
the crime scene is gone,
and you gotta get the brains right away,
before they hard’n up.

PUSH IN ON the maid’s face.
She closes her eyes.

IN THE BATHROOM

CLOSE ON --
Bruce’s eyes. Bugged out.
In terror -- and tears.

CLOSE ON --
A pair of frightened eyes -- on a poster.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles.
Home at last.

A SIGN
reads CULT.

SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.

THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.

SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.