The Other White Meat

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. Are you ready for the holiday WEAK-END? Then it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love finally hooks up with porn star Laura Lang outside Club Fuck after closing time. Meanwhile, detective Bernie Keko checks out 'director' Bruce Ball's corpse, which has a most unusual odor ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
It’s over. Party kids spill onto the sidewalk.
Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse, pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
(teasing)
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Uh -- security?

LAURA
No. My date.
He finally found me.

CARRIE
(looks around)
Where’s he now?

LAURA
(evil)
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get --
your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
(squeezes)
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Long pause.
There’s no one else in the world.

LAURA
So -- aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
(melts)
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.

APPLAUSE.

They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
cheer. Carrie looks down.
Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, Miss Legs,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.
CARRIE
(whispers)
P-p-plans -- for me?

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - NIGHT
At the crime scene, BERNIE
inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger stuffed
into the cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo. Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about 'well done.'

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick
of rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie,
uncomprehending.

KEKO
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because
I’m a fucking Mexican
we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were different,
man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European
'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer
did it in the fucking shower.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
From behind, we see Laura’s beautiful tush.
She turns toward us, grabs a razor --
and steps into the shower.

IN THE SHOWER
The razor slides across
a shiny, perfect thigh.

LAURA
(sings)
On the night you murdered love --