Like Chunks In Sauce

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking MONDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, when police chief Larry Lipshitz puts homicide detective Carrie Love on the 'copycat movie killer' case, she's horrified to discover that her new partner is her ex, detective Bernie Keko, but is pleased to find out she has to go 'undercover' ... at a porn shoot.


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - SQUAD ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s being grilled by
homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s),
Armenian, good-looking on a budget,
an angry Russell Crowe-type.

With a sense of humor.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my soon-to-be
ex-husband Bernie.
A decent guy --
when he’s not being
a stubborn, jealous mass
of insecure testosterone.

CLOSE ON --
Bernie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t really blame him, though.
Imagine how you would feel
if you found out your woman
was leaving you --
for another woman.
(beat)
Bad example.
Half of you probably
just got aroused.

KEKO
You’re drinking
on duty again, Legs.
You smell like you
went down on Jim Beam.
And that’s the third vehicle
you’ve trashed this month.
You’ve used up all
your second chances, babe.
Lipshitz is gonna can
that tight little ass of yours.

CARRIE
Hey, it’s not gonna be believable
if my breath smells
like fucking Aquafresh.
It’s called undercover, hello?
I can’t sit there
sucking on a wheat grass smoothie,
for chrissakes.
And as for the car,
I was chasing a perp.
Can I help it if Venice Beach
is so treacherous?
In case you didn’t notice --
I got the collar!

Police chief LARRY LIPSHITZ (50s)
strolls in. Weary. Seen it all.
Small and round.

In a perfect universe --
Danny DeVito.

LIPSHITZ
You two.
I could hear you
all the way down the hall
in the can.
(beat)
Only place I can get
any peace around here.

KEKO
She started it.

CARRIE
Don’t look at me, chief --
I’m just kneeling at the
altar of Sipowitz here.

LIPSHITZ
Bernie, you gotta grieving widow
waiting for you upstairs.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs --
you’re off the homeless thing.

CARRIE
What? You can’t --

KEKO
(grins, starts toward the door)
I told you --

CARRIE
But I almost have that fucker.

LIPSHITZ
I’m putting you on the
copycat movie killer thing.

KEKO
(stops, whirls around)
Hey, that’s my case.

CARRIE
Yeah, that’s his case.

LIPSHITZ
Correction, it’s both your case’s now.
We’ve got three more bodies
sprayed like chunks in sauce
on a porn soundstage in the valley.
The press is having a fucking field day --
and the commissioner is so far up my ass,
my prostrate is deciding on a bridal registry.
We need someone on the inside.
(off Carrie’s look)
Pun intended.
CARRIE
On the inside where?
A porn shoot?

LIPSHITZ
Yeah. Ilona found a guy on the ‘net
that shoots amateur videos --
and what look like fake snuff films.
Remember Bruce Ball?
The guy you were after last year
on that S&M reality show thing?
We think he might be the perp.
(beat)
And Duquesne says he just started
principal photography.

CARRIE
And, what -- you want me to
spread my legs for truth,
justice and the eight-o’clock news?

KEKO
Why do you think they call you
a 'piece officer?'

CARRIE
You expecting the lame
‘undercover’ joke?
(to Larry)
I’ll go get waxed right away.

KEKO
Larry, we went over this.
I’m going undercover.
Do my Dirk Diggler thing.

LIPSHITZ
I don’t think you can --
pull it off.

KEKO
Pull it off? Pull it off?
Are you casting aspersions on my --
swordsmanship?

LIPSHITZ
It’s an all-girl flick, Bernie.
(beat)
Light bondage.

CARRIE
Cool.

KEKO
(eyes light up)
All girls?

CARRIE
What’s the title?

LIPSHITZ
'Learning the Ropes.'
Catchy, huh.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Raring to go.

CARRIE
I certainly hope so.