Lady Dick

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty finds her next victim ... at the video store. Meanwhile, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love gets some assistance from a former flame ...


INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles.
Home at last.

A SIGN
reads CULT.

SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.

THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.

SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.

ANOTHER VIDEO
reads THE HONEYMOON KILLERS.

SPARKLE
rolls her eyes. As if.

SPARKLE
Kitch me with a spoon.

DISSOLVE TO:

Movie art.
Shimmering with light.
PET SEMATARY.

Sparkle hugs it to her chest.
Absolutely delighted.

SPARKLE
See Spot. See Spot run.
(beat)
See Spot’s brains
splattered in the street.

AT THE COUNTER
A snotty, HIPSTER CLERK
looks at Sparkle’s selections.

HIPSTER CLERK
'Pet Sematary.' Funny movie.
Props to Mary Lambert.

SPARKLE
(weird smile)
Watch it, bub.
Comedy isn’t pretty.
It can kill ya.

HIPSTER CLERK
(looks at the register)
You’re, uh -- credit card declined.

SPARKLE
No way. Do it again.
Machine’s fucked up.

HIPSTER CLERK
I’ve tried it twice, doll.
You’re maxed. Tough toenails.

SPARKLE
(too nice)
Well then, you have a -- great day,
there, Mister.

EXT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle lies in wait in the
rear alley behind a dumpster.

SPARKLE
We guarantee. You’ll go home happy.

The back door opens.
Out walks Mr. Cool.

Sparkle JUMPS him.
JABS a STUN GUN to his neck.

SPARKLE
I wanna talk to you
about your late return policy.

And the clerk hits the ground, THWUNK.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
From a distance we see Dina
chatting with her GUCCI ATTORNEY.
Definitely the 'big guns.'

CARRIE
charges outside, muttering to herself.

CARRIE
Why don’t you just whip them out,
see who’s got the bigger --

She sees Dina. Stops.

The brunette beauty
and her lawyer shake hands.
He leaves.

Dina sees Carrie.
Turns, briskly goes to her car.

CARRIE
turns around. Sprints off toward --

A SURVEILLANCE SUV
A tricked-out monstrosity
with blackened windows.

Carrie RAPS a drumbeat.
Then again.

The door opens with a PFFUT, and --

Out pops ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy bullet of a woman
stuffed into a leather catsuit.
Armed to the gills. Packing, too.

ILONA
Hey there, spitfire.
What’cha got on the grill?

CARRIE
I need to borrow your van.
(pulls out wad of cash)
Rent it, actually. I’m on hiatus.

ILONA
I told you, it’s not a van,
it’s a fuckin’ SUV, girlfren --
got eight cylinders, microwave DSL,
heat-seaking stealth mikes.
This is the law enforcement shit, lady dick.

CARRIE
Please accept my profuse apologies --
(ton of subtext)
Ilona.

ILONA
Put away the bankroll. I’m driving.

CARRIE
This could be dangerous, Lona.

ILONA
Yeah, right.
That’s what you said that night
on the beach in San Juan.

CARRIE
Don’t remind me.
I’m still having lower back problems --