Fucking Alpo Time, Dude

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko takes a trip to the morgue to inspect teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's latest victim. Meanwhile, suspended officer Carrie Love drowns her sorrows at Club Fuck, looking for porn star Laura Lang ... with no luck.


INT. MORGUE - DAY
Brightly lit, antiseptic.
Deep-freeze cold.

Bernie stands by the door,
listening on his cell phone.

Two Medical Examiner PARAMEDICS,
KENNY, white, and KENDRICK, black,
wheel in a BODY BAG on a gurney.

KENNY
You get your skins?
She give you a lil’ somethin-somethin?

The cultured, British national stops the cart.

KENDRICK
(quiet, nasty)
You redneck git -- I’m from London,
stop with the bloody Ebonics.

Bernie talks into his cell.

KEKO
Carrie, if you’re there, pick up.
I know you’re mad,
and I don’t blame you,
but something’s happened.
We need you to --
(beat)
Fuck.
(sees the body)
Is that the motel room -- ?

KENNY
Freak show? Uh -- yeah.
Goddamn thought I’d seen everything.
Fucking Alpo time, dude.

KENDRICK
I must say I was impressed
with the attention to detail.
The victim is not only wearing
a choke chain and a collar,
but according to his tags --
it would appear he’s had
all his vaccinations.

KENNY
Rows and rows of the shit.
We’re talking major hypodermic action,
fuckin’ AIDS five-hundred.

KEKO
(walks over)
Open up the cinch-sack.

The big Jamaican-Brit zips open
the grey plastic, revealing --
the HIPSTER CLERK.
Wearing the dog costume.

KEKO
Kinky. Disembowel freaky Fido.

Kendrick zips down the furry body,
revealing --

The clerk’s chest.
Stippled with rows of
vicious puncture wounds
like bloody dominoes.

KEKO (CONT'D)
Whoever did this skipped
their anger management class.
(looks closer)
It looks like a -- pattern.

KENNY
Like someone played a buncha
'pick-6’s' on his six-pack.

KENDRICK
(to Kenny)
I told you -- it’s a message.
(to Bernie)
It’s the killer’s autograph.

Bernie stares at the human pincushion.
Gets an idea.

KEKO
(to Kenny)
Take off your shirt.

KENNY
What?

KEKO
(whips out a gun)
I said take off your shirt,
you fucking rube.
In case you haven’t noticed it,
we’ve got a human chia pet
here leaking out the evidence.

He clicks the safety.
The good ol’ boy strips off his top.

Bernie grabs the pale blue cotton,
places it on the body.

CLOSE ON --
Rows of red wounds.
Stippled in patterns.
The crimson dots bleed.
Start to connect. Form words.

I’d like to thank the Academy,
my Mom, God, my agent --

EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A smallish grey building
deep in the bowels of Hollywood.

A pulsing, industrial grind
bleeds outside from within.

INT. CLUB FUCK - CONTINUOUS
Carrie sits at the bar,
drowning everything.
Sorrows. Joy. Hopes.
Dreams. Self-esteem.

She pours a tall shot
from a bottle of Jagermeister.

Toasts the throng. Downs it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Figures I’d get stood up.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Fucking porn star --
(pours another shot)
I once had a shrink who said
I lived in my own little world.
That I’ve lived most of my life -- alone.
(downs it)
Well, maybe that’s because
everyone I’ve ever fucking known --
except my mom and my dog --
ended up letting me down.
Makes a girl a little finicky
about who she hangs out with.
And the way I look at it,
I’m pretty good fucking company.
(pours another)
But the thing is --
there’s just one problem. I
t’s not working anymore.
(raises glass)
It seems that whenever I
try to do things my way --
it blows up in my fucking face.

And she slams it. Grimaces.
Closes her eyes.