Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

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In Chapter 42 of NOWHERE GIRLS, Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street are closing in on evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond, who's hiding in the Kodak Theater in Hollywood ... and when Honey's assistant Monsterburg sneezes and gives away their location, he gets a most violent 'severance package' ...


INT. KODAK THEATER - STAIRWELL - NIGHT
Cherry RUNS up the steps.
KA-CHINKS a magazine in her UZI.

CHERRY
So help me, if that bitch
harms a hair on her HEAD --

INT. KODAK THEATER - ORCHESTRA LEVEL - AT THAT MOMENT
April lies on the floor next to the front row of seats.
Opens her eyes. Slowly moves up into a sitting position.

Opens her jacket --
revealing a kevlar vest with THREE SMASHED BULLETS.

She picks them off. Groans. Looks to her left --

APRIL
Shots came from over there --

And gets up on her knees.
Slowly looks over the seats.

INT. LUXURY OPERA BOX - AT THAT MOMENT
One of the opulent opera boxes
that flank each side
of the theater near the stage.
Ornate beyond belief.

Honey and Monsterburg have taken refuge
in this particular box,
and have guns trained on April down below.

HONEY
I got her. I saw her go down --

MONSTERBURG
But she’s not there anymore.
She moved.

HONEY
Must be wearing a vest. SHIT.

INT. KODAK THEATER - BACKSTAGE - AT THAT MOMENT

Cherry RACES onto the stage.
Hides behind the curtain on the side.
Pulls out her walkie.

CHERRY
April, I’m here. Where are you?

IN THE THEATER
April GRABS hers. Speaks into it.

APRIL
(loud whisper)
I’m on the floor behind the first row.
Where are you?

CHERRY
On the side of the stage,
near the orchestra pit.

APRIL
Okay. Honey’s somewhere on the opposite side.
I think she’s got someone with her.

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey and Monsterburg scan the theater.
See Cherry.

HONEY
Damn, now there’s the OTHER one --

MONSTERBURG
Why don’t we just split?

HONEY
Idiot. They’ll follow us.
And I’m NOT going to prison.
(sighs)
And then there’s the fucking FBI.
The place has gotta be swarming with
those tight-sphincter motherfuckers --

MONSTERBURG
Oh, right. They followed them HERE.

HONEY
Gee, aren’t you a smart cookie.
You get a gold star.

MONSTERBURG
Hey. There’s no reason to be nasty.

HONEY
Honey, NASTY is what’s
going to save our asses.
(thinks)
We need to distract them.
Give me one of your shoes.

MONSTERBURG
One of my shoes? Why?

HONEY
My god, are you fucking THICK.
I’m going to THROW it,
and then they’ll go in that direction.
Don’t you go to the movies?

MONSTERBURG
I, uh -- play videogames.

She stares at him.
He unties a sneaker.
Hands it to her.

MONSTERBURG
Knock yourself out.

HONEY
(takes it, smells)
Yow. Grand theft stinko --

IN THE THEATER
Cherry crawls up next to April
behind the front row of seats.

CHERRY
(whispers)
Hey.

APRIL
Hey. So who’s watching the kids?

CHERRY
Believe it or not, the FBI.

APRIL
The FBI? But --

CHERRY
They’re not after us anymore.
We’re in the clear,
they’re after Honey, too,
and they’ve got the joint surrounded.
Didn’t want to ‘damage the theater,’
so WE’RE now working for THEM --

APRIL
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

CHERRY
You gotta plan?

APRIL
I’m thinking --

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey holds the shoe,
pulls back her arm like a pitcher --
and Monsterburg SNEEZES.

MONSTERBURG
A-CHOOO.

IN THE THEATER
Cherry and April’s heads WHIP
toward the sound of the noise.

CHERRY
(points)
They’re up THERE.

APRIL
C’mon, follow me --

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey SMACKS Monsterburg on the head
with the shoe, THWUMP.

MONSTERBURG
OW.

HONEY
(pulls out a gun)
IDIOT. Now they now where we ARE --

MONSTERBURG
Please don’t --

Honey FIRES.
The silencer THWIP-THWIP-THWIPS
bullets into his chest.

He looks down at the
rapidly growing red stains.

MONSTERBURG
Shoot me.

HONEY
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
(beat)
Not.

And he FALLS OVER the balcony
into the theater seats.