Be It Ever So Humble

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. You say you're slogging through another dreary work week, inching toward Friday fun? Well, why not get your hardboiled pulp groove on, and high-tail it over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the action is fast and furious ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family against a home invasion in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve during a freak snowstorm ... and now Tolly's Chill's goons have made their way inside the house ... where the bullets are flying, and the shit is hitting the fan ...

Deck the halls, indeed.

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

Carrie and Bernie listen at the connecting door.

She gives him a look that says ‘you hear anything?’ Bernie shrugs.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. CARRIE’S ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Mick presses his ear against the door. Breathing heavily.

CARRIE

looks at Bernie. Points.

Mouths he’s right there.

She grabs the doorknob.

Nods with her head toward the room.

He nods.

She steps to the side --

and YANKS the door open.

Mick FALLS into the room, BANG.

HITS the floor.

She CRACKS him on the head with her gun.

LEAPS on top of him.

CARRIE

Get his GUN!

Bernie reaches for it,

but Mick THROWS Carrie off.

She FLIES across the room,

hits the wall with a THWUMP.

He WHIRLS AROUND,

and PUNCHES Bernie in the stomach, OOF.

ENRAGED, he stands up.

Points his pistol at Bernie.

MICK

Prepare to die, COCKSUCKER.

Carrie comes up behind him,

and BASHES him on the head with a chair. CRACK.

He goes down like a ton of bricks.

BERNIE

Like old times.

CARRIE

Always were a great team.

Carrie sees his walkie talkie on the floor.

She picks it up.

CARRIE (CONT’D)

This should come in handy.

(nods at Mick)

What should we do with him?

BERNIE

Tie him up and take him downstairs

where the others can keep an eye on him.

CARRIE

Take him hostage?

BERNIE

I’m an officer of the law,

placing him under arrest.

CARRIE

More like house arrest.

BERNIE

Hey. Be it ever so humble --

INT. GERO’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Gero lies in bed watching an old gangster movie on TV.

GERO

They’re sure taking their sweet time.

He picks up the phone.

Dials a number. Listens.

GERO (CONT’D)

Shit. Must be the weather.

Gero gets out of bed.

Pads over to the dresser.

Picks up his walkie talkie.

CLICKS it on.

GERO (CONT’D)

TOLLY, where the fuck are you?

What’s going on?

You get the broad yet?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Tolly speaks into his walkie.

TOLLY

Hey, pop.

Fucking snowstorm’s a bitch.

But we made it. We’re here.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Carrie holds the walkie. Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE

Hey there, scumbag.

Snowstorm’s a bitch, and SO AM I.

GERO

Who the fuck is THAT?

TOLLY

YOU. How’d you get on this line?

CARRIE

Well, let’s see -- Paulie Walnuts is dead,

and we’ve got the Mick tied up in knots.

Why don’t you come join the party?

GERO

What the fuck?

TOLLY

Send more men, Pop.

We’re in Beverly Hills, on Sunset Boulevard.

GERO

What’s the address?

TOLLY

Shit. I -- left the GPS thing in the car.

CARRIE

Now that’s what I call a well-oiled machine.

TOLLY

Fuck you, bitch.

(to Gero)

I’ll call you back later.

When we’ve got some PRIVACY.

He CLICKS off the walkie.

Looks at Porkpie. Pissed off.

Gero shuts off his. Incensed.

CARRIE

Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE

We’ve got a lifeline.

We can call for help.

She switches the frequency.

Punches the TALK button.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

Hello, can anyone hear me?

It’s an emergency.

We’re being attacked by intruders --

TIP (O.C.)

Hey, you kids -- get off this line,

it’s for emergencies only.

CARRIE

I’m not a kid, this is for real.

TIP (O.C.)

Yeah, right -- and I'm Pee Wee Herman.