Kitten With A Whip

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. Are you looking for some action? Cheap thrills? Saucy vixens carrying semi-automatic weapons? Then you've come to the right place, where the hardboiled pulp is served cold ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, which is the exciting conclusion to our story ... in which private eye Carrie Love, having won her battle against demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer and evil CIA black ops spook The Bagger, gets a little 'hot under the collar' with Interpol agent Felina Bella Donna ...

EXT. CLUB FUCK - BACK ALLEY - NIGHT

A dumpster rattles. The lid slowly opens.

Carrie starts to crawl out. She's a battered mess.

A beam of light flashes on her. It's JOSH TOTT.

TOTT

Holy shit. Are you alright, Miss?

She slips over the edge. Hits the ground.

CARRIE

Ow. Fuck.

(beat)

Yeah, I guess so -- nothing seems to be broken.

Carrie squints at the agent, his jacket.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

You're FBI? How OLD are you?

TOTT

A hell of a lot younger than YOU.

A standoff. The defensive and the damaged.

CARRIE

Hey, I'm sorry, okay?

I almost bit the dust back there.

Makes a girl a little cranky.

TOTT

I understand.

(beat)

I want you to stay here, okay?

Don't move. I'm gonna go get a medic.

He turns to go.

CARRIE

Hey, can I ask you a question?

TOTT

Maybe.

CARRIE

You guys worked with CO2 on this thing, right?

TOTT

I'm afraid that's classified information.

CARRIE

I know that. Hold on a sec.

This thing is killing me.

She slowly, heavily, unzips the front of her cat suit,

revealing her glistening cleavage in a black lace bra.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

God, does that feel good.

The agent takes in the view. Starts to thaw.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

I was working with agent Bella Donna.

Do you know her? Have you seen her?

TOTT

(impressed)

You mean 'the kitten with a whip?'

CARRIE

The one and only.

TOTT

She split. She was in a big hurry --

said something about taking a trip somewhere.

CARRIE

A trip?

TOTT

Stay put. I'll be right back.

He leaves. Carrie looks like she's going to collapse.

A light drizzle starts to fall. She starts walking.

INT. ASTON MARTIN - NIGHT

The rain softly hits the roof. Carrie blows her nose.

CARRIE (V.O.)

I crack my first real case,

and everybody I want to celebrate with is either dead or gone.

The cheese stands alone. With no crackers.

(beat)

Sorry I don’t have a happy ending for you.

I bet a test audience would hate this part.

Can’t market the downer ending in the multiplex.

The chick sort of gets the bad guys --

but she doesn’t get the girl.

(a bitter laugh)

And it’s a girl.

Like that’s gonna play in Peoria.

She opens the glove compartment.

Takes out a flask.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Our conflicted heroine bottoms out.

Spirals down into a black hole of depression,

self-loathing, self-destruction.

(beat)

McKenzie Phillips can play me in the Lifetime movie.

Carrie listens to the rain.

Coming down hard now.

She takes a long pull of her savior.

Pushes back burning tears.

Someone POUND-POUNDS

on the driver's side window.

Fogged up.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)

(muffled)

Hey! What are you doing in there?

Carrie rolls down the window.

It’s FELINA. Holy shit.

CARRIE

Felina? You --

FELINA

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

CARRIE

You have?

FELINA

You're kidding, right?

Hold on a sec, I'm getting fucking soaked.

She races around the car.

Jumps in. SLAMS the door.

FELINA (CONT'D)

Real London weather out there.

Don't miss it.

CARRIE

I, uh -- was, uh --

FELINA

Hey. You've been crying.

Carrie opens her mouth. Nothing.

FELINA (CONT'D)

Oh my god. Did you think I left?

CARRIE

(tiny voice)

They said you were going on a trip.

FELINA

(leans over, strokes her hair)

Well, I am. I got five weeks vacation time coming to me.

(beat)

And I hear you've got this smashing

little bachelorette pad at the beach.

Silence. Total swoon.

And they kiss. Passionately.

Totally devour each other.

This is it, folks. The real thing.

CARRIE’S THEME starts, as --

Felina's knee hits a button on the dashboard.

The roof FLIES OFF.

THE CAMERA pushes up above the car,

the women going at it.

Carrie’s elbow SMACKS a panel on the steering wheel.

Clouds of smoke BILLOW OUT from the tailpipes.

A crowd gathers. FBI. SWAT. CLUB KIDS. A NEWS CREW.

Felina’s got Carrie on her back on the front seat.

No one else in the world.

Carrie’s boot CRACKS against the gear shift.

Knives CHING-CHING from the hubcaps.

The crowd BURSTS into applause.

THE CAMERA pushes higher, higher --

and a shield POPS UP from the trunk.

Machine guns FLIP OUT,

RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT --

and the crowd SCREAMS, starts RUNNING.

CLOSE ON --

The car’s glove box.

Carrie GRABS IT for dear life.

CARRIE (O.C.)

God, yes -- rule Britannia.

In a throw of passion, her wrist SLAPS a round black button.

ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)

Ejection seat engaged. Good-bye.

Carrie and Felina exchange horrified looks.

The speaker box CRACKLES.

ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICE (CONT'D)

Activation terminated due to short circuit from -- dampness.

CARRIE (V.O.)

And then, for the first time in my life --

(beat)

Getting laid saved my ass.