The Spy Who Fucked Me

Happy Tuesday, crime fucks. You ready to blow your load? Looking to 'get some?' Then get your gun barrels over to the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the femme fatales are smokin', and the hardboiled, pulp action is steamin' ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LEGS, where things take an interesting turn ...

Having escaped the clutches of demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer, private eye Carrie Love and black ops Interpol spook Felina Bella Donna travel to her safe house, 'Goldenrod,' where they meet with Felina's handler, the mysterious 'B' ...

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - ROAD - NIGHT

Carrie and Felina stop at a street. Breathless. Wind-blown.

CARRIE

I am not happy.

These heels are fucking killing me.

These mules were not made for mountaineering.

She grimaces. Pulls off a shoe. Then the other.

FELINA

You think I'm happy?

I had that bloody freak right in the palm of my hand.

CARRIE

Is this the spy who fucked me?

The spy who said she'd save me?

I guess it's true what they say about dominants.

FELINA

What the fuck do they say about dominants?

CARRIE

Oh -- just that deep inside the heart

of the cruelest mistress hides

the sweetest, softest, submissive little girl.

Felina's speechless.

Carrie slaps her butt playfully.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

So let's haul ass, and that's an order.

My feet are fucking freezing.

EXT. ESTATE - NIGHT

Carrie and Felina walk down an obscenely long driveway.

Holding hands. Dwarfed by the lush expanse.

CARRIE (V.O.)

We barely escaped with our panties on.

The most wanted man on the planet wants us for dinner.

The hunters are now the prey.

(beat)

And I'm holding hands with her like I'm in fucking high school.

(beat)

Scratch that. I hated high school.

(beat)

Admit it, you think I'm just into Felina on the rebound.

That I'm just some codependent chick

that swoons at the first pretty face that reaches up my skirt.

(beat)

I'm going to ask you a question.

You know that passionate,

rip your fingernails down her back

kinda sex is like a drug, right?

(beat)

Ever shot heroin in your cooch?

EXT. MANSION - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

An imposing faux-Tudor monstrosity

that would do Rupert Murdoch proud.

Carrie and Felina huddle in the doorway.

Felina rings the buzzer.

CARRIE

Nice safe house. Where's the butler?

FELINA

Hey, having a license to kill

doesn't mean you can't live a little.

A British-accented MALE VOICE crackles over the intercom.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

Who the blazes is it? Can’t you read?

No solicitors! I don’t want to hear “the good news!”

FELINA

(into the speaker)

B, it's me -- your wayward temptress.

B (O.C.)

My stars -- Felina.

What a delightful surprise.

FELINA

I’m sorry if this is a bad time --

but I’m afraid it’s not a social call.

B (O.C.)

It never is -- is it.

(beat)

Right, then. Security clearance?

FELINA

(thinks, then -- )

Tony Blair sends an invitation

to join him at tonight’s command performance

of “Puppetry of the Penis.”

B (O.C.)

Please give my sincere apologies.

Tonight I’m seeing “The Vagina Monologues” with Mr. Bush.

Box seats.

FELINA

Better your box than mine.

(beat)

Not my Bush.

Pause.

B (O.C.)

Edgar will be right down.

CARRIE

Interesting passwords, agent Bella Donna.

FELINA

Speaking of interesting --

She leans over. Gives Carrie a long, lingering kiss.

INT. FOYER - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS

EDGAR (70), the butler, opens the door with a gloved hand.

Sees the women necking. Shakes his head. Wistful.

EDGAR

Young love. Enchanting.

The lovers pull apart. Busted.

FELINA

Good evening, Edgar.

EDGAR

Madam.

FELINA

This is my associate, Carrie Love.

CARRIE

Hey, there. Nice ascot.

EDGAR

Welcome to Goldenrod, Miss Love.

(to Felina)

That's our special agent,

combining business with pleasure.

Carrie blushes. Felina flashes a shit-eating grin.

EDGAR

Please, follow me. He's expecting you.