My Sister, The Spy

It's Tuesday, crime scenesters. Do you know where your children are? Or your parents? How about your wayward spouse? Don't look now, but if you're not careful, you might just find them right here, indulging in That Killing Feeling ...

Screened one of the worst films I've ever seen in my life last night. Godammit, was that a waste of time. How did this piece of shit get made? CUT OFF, starring a bunch unknowns, and featuring in 'Pay My Mortgage' rolls, Malcolm McDowell and Faye Dunaway (looking positively skeletal). Great premise,. completely wasted. An heiress gets cut off by her father, and must suddenly fend for herself to pay the bills. So what does she do? She and her pot smoking boyfriend decide to rob a check cashing joint, but it goes horribly wrong ... and they go on the lam in ... an ambulance ... where they spend 90 per cent of the movie. A horrible, horribe train wreck. Character actors like James Russo and James Edson are completely waisted in a tidal wave of fart jokes, cops drinking and drugging jokes, cops eating jokes, bad rap jokes ... I mean, this was an unbelievable bad, bad, bucket of swill. And I watched the whole fucking thing, fascinated. Because if this log of shit can get made, so can my fucking movies. My god. I'm getting upset all over again. (Calm down, Carole.) Two thumbs WAY down ... in the toilet.

Onto t0day's explosive episode from NOWHERE GIRL. There's too much going on here to summarize ... so let's just say that bad guys get shot, hot chicks escape, and things get blown the fuck up ...

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - NIGHT

April and Cherry point guns at each other. In shock.

APRIL
THAT’S why I hate your guts.

CHERRY
And that’s why I hate YOURS.
(beat)
My sister, the spy.

APRIL
My sister, the --
(appraises her outfit)
Stripper?

CHERRY
Exotic dancer. Soon to be former.

The girls are GRABBED FROM BEHIND.
Saad has Cherry in a choke-hold.
Mohammed THROWS April to the floor.
Straddles her.
Both aims Uzis at their heads.

SAAD
Don’t move or I’LL SHOOT.

MOHAMMED
Go ahead. Give me REASON.

HAMAD
American women TALK TO MUCH.
Take them downstairs and shoot them.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Federal Marshall!
Put your HANDS IN THE AIR!

AN OPERATIVE
In bomb squad gear comes into the room,
assault rifle aloft.

CLOSE ON:
The LCD reads 3:45.

RENNY
Looks at the Fed.

RENNY
Don’t shoot! This is a nuclear device.

OPERATIVE
Step away from case. NOW.

SAAD
Put your gun down or I shoot THE WOMAN!

MOHAMMED
Put down or we SHOOT!

The Fed SHOOTS Renny.
BANG-BANG-BANG.
He HITS the floor.

CHERRY
Hey!

APRIL
What are you DOING?
He was DISARMING IT.

Two more FEDS in bomb squad gear BURST IN
from the kitchen and start SHOOTING.
Saad’s and Mohammed’s heads EXPLODE.

LARGE FED
Ladies, outside, NOW.

April and Cherry exchange glances.

CHERRY
What’s going on here?

APRIL
They WANT the nuke to go off?

LARGE FED
I said NOW.

Cherry GRABS the case with the money,
and they start RUNNING.

CLOSE ON:
The LCD reads 2:25.

EXT. FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Two Feds in protective gear with helmets
stand in front of bomb squad truck.
They start walking toward Cherry and April.

APRIL
(whispers)
I don’t trust them.

CHERRY
Let’s kick their ass.

INT. CIA HEADQUARTERS - CUBICLE - NIGHT
Lark takes a sip of her water bottle.
Touches her headset.

LARK
But I don’t understand.
You WANT it to go off?
But what about -- collateral damage?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - NIGHT
Sledge Crafton stands at the bar. Mixing a cocktail.
Speaking on his hands-free.

SLEDGE
Too many people know. It’s a big mess.
Better to start again with a clean slate.
And it’s not a real nuke,
it’s an old Russian piece of shit
pipe bomb with a timer, that’s all.
We’ll find some patsy and nail it on them,
like we did in Oklahoma City.

He leans down over the bar.
SNORTS a line of coke.

LARK
But what about April Street --
and the other girl?

SLEDGE
They’re being evacuated.
I have special plans for THEM.
(beat)
Don’t tell me your getting soft on me.
You’re one of the best moles I’ve ever had.
I’d hate to have to retire you, too.

LARK
But what about the agents on-site?

SLEDGE
They don’t know the bomb is live.
(beat)
Like you said, collateral damage.

INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April wear bomb squad gear with helmets.
April GUNS the engine.
The vehicle starts moving.

CHERRY
Go, go, go --

APRIL
We’re OUTTA HERE.

EXT. QUEENS ROAD - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
The truck ROARS down the road.

INT. BOMB SQUAD TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
April shakes her head slowly. Thinking.

APRIL
Something’s not right.
They were acting like they WANTED
the nuke to go off.
(beat)
Unless they weren’t told it was live.

CHERRY
Why would the agency do that?

APRIL
I don’t know, unless --

An earth-shattering EXPLOSION rocks the truck.
April stops. She and Cherry poke their heads out their windows, look.
A MASSIVE FIREBALL ERUPTS in the sky.

THE TRUCK
Continues on down Queens Road.

APRIL (CONT’D)
That was no nuke.
Crafton was ripping off the terrorists.
Why am I not surprised?

CHERRY
So where are we going?

APRIL
We’re gonna pay him a little visit.

CHERRY
(turns her head)
Hey. You okay back there?

PEELER
Sticks his head out from the rear.

PEELER
Well, let’s see.
I’ve lost a lot of blood,
I’m dizzy from hunger,
and I just shit my pants.
(beat)
I’m having a ball.