Cluster-Fuck

Happy 'hump-day,' my legions of worker bees. (God, how I hate that term.) Like that old song says, 'everybody's workin' for the weekend.' Nope. Not me. Life's too short to spend 5 days of the week waiting for the 6th. And why the fuck is everybody happy that it's Friday? You're still at work. Shouldn't you be happy on SATURDAY?

Har har har har.

Screened a great film last night. Rod Lurie's NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. A thinly disguised, fictional version of the Valerie Plame / Scooter Libby CIA agent-outing story where that journalist went to jail for not revealing her source. Well, if the reporter is Kate Beckinsale, I'm ain't revealing nothin.' Great cast, including Valeria Farmiga, Alan Alda, Noah Wylie, Matt Dillon, and -- believe it or not, David Schwimmer, superb in a dramatic role. Important story about 1st amendment rights. Should be shown in classrooms.

And you thought I only liked violent stuff.

Well, okay -- there was some nifty 'women in prison' stuff with Kate in the lockup. Nice scene where she beats the shit outta some redneck chick who's stolen her bunk. Poor baby's been in jail for a year, and is starting to lose it.

Onto today's delicacy from GUN-WILD -- and this one's a doozy.

Cam and Rod head into their favorite neighborhood watering hole to take a load off and chill for a little bit ...

And then all hell breaks loose.

***

INT. HINANO’S - MOMENTS LATER

A warm, cozy, dark, beachy dive. Old-school.

Sawdust and peanut shells on the floor. Pool table. Neon beer signs.

The jukebox plays The Clash’s cover of I FOUGHT THE LAW over --

A pair of LOCALS at end of the bar watch a ball game

on an old TV suspended by chains up above.

Rod and Cam walk in. All eyes turn and look.

THE BARTENDER (40’s), is a large gal with a gorgeous face.

Biker-chic, with long red hair. Harley T-shirt. Bandana. Boots.

FAT BARTENDER

ROD FUNK? What the FUCK?

Where the hell have YOU been?

ROD

(smiles)

Rosie. Haven’t changed a bit.

ROSIE

Bull-shit. I get fatter every year.

(looks at Cam)

And who is this? You cheating on me?

ROD

This here is Cam. Fastest gun at the beach.

CAM

(waves)

Hey.

ROSIE

Pleased to meet you, doll.

(to Rod)

Am I getting older, or are your fillies getting younger.

ROD

Don’t give me that shit.

You don’t look day over twenty-nine, baby.

ROSIE

Flattery will get your dick sucked.

Name your poison.

First round’s on the house.

ROD

Double shot of Jack, and a bottle of Corona.

CAM

Works for me.

Rosie turns, grabs a bottle of Jack.

Pours three shots. Slides two over.

Grabs two bottles from the cooler.

CRACKS them open.

Puts them in front of Rod and Cam.

ROD

(lifts his shot)

Much obliged.

(to Cam)

Honey? A toast?

CAM

(lifts hers)

To?

ROSIE

(raises hers)

Getting FUCKED UP.

They all smile. DOWN them.

ROD

(wipes his mouth)

Hit me again. Fucking cold out there.

ROSIE

(smiles, pours)

So what do I owe the pleasure

of your company this fine evening?

ROD

Just in the nabe.

Haven’t been here in awhile,

thought it would be fun to --

ROSIE

(to Cam)

Did you know your fella used to play

Ring Around the Rosie?

ROD

Rosie --

CAM

WHAT?

ROSIE

That’s right, dolly.

(glares at Rod)

Said he liked a gal with a little MEAT on her bones.

(glares at Cam)

But now it looks like he prefers BONES --

with no MEAT.

CAM

What the FUCK?

ROD

Rosie --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)

Holy fucking SHIT.

A GRIZZLED REGULAR

at the end of the bar looks at Rosie.

GRIZZLED REGULAR

ROSIE. Turn on the news.

Them two are BANK ROBBERS.

Cops are lookin’ for ‘em.

ROSIE

Get the fuck outta here.

She turns around.

Flicks on the TV next to the register.

ON THE TV

We see Kim’s perfect drawing of Rod and Cam.

REPORTER (V.O.)

-- wanted in connection with the deaths

of three cops and two civilians. If you see them,

contact your local precinct immediately, and be careful.

They’re considered armed and extremely dangerous.

We go now to David Brazil, on the scene at Venice Beach.

Rosie reaches under the bar --

ROSIE

You fucking ASSHOLE.

You have the nerve to come in here --

(pulls up a baseball bat)

And FUCK with my BUSINESS.

Cam WHIPS out her Glock.

CLICKS the safety.

CAM

Put the fucking bat down, you FAT CUNT --

or I’ll blow your TITS OFF.

ROSIE

You wouldn’t fucking DARE.

ROD

Cam, let’s just get the fuck outta here.

ROSIE

Beat it, WHORE.

CAM

CUNT!

Cam FIRES -- BANG.

The mirror behind the bar EXPLODES.

ROSIE

(swings the bat)

Fucking BITCH!

Cam PLUGS Rosie in the face.

BANG, BANG, BANG.

Her head EXPLODES.

She DROPS the bat, CRACK.

Hits the floor, THWUNK.

GRIZZLED REGULAR

(whispers)

Holy SHIT.

CAM

(to Rod)

Empty the register and let’s get THE FUCK outta here.

Rod HOPS over the bar.

BANGS open the drawer.

Starts grabbing the money.

Turns and looks.

ROD

Why did ya have to go and do that?

CAM

(glaring)

She disrespected me.

Some boyfriend YOU turned out to be.

(lowers the gun)

Grab a couple bottles of and LET’S GO.

Rod shoves the money in his pocket.

Grabs the booze.

Grizzled Regular stares at Cam.

Shaking with fear.

GRIZZLED REGULAR

Please don’t shoot. We didn’t see nothing.

We-we-we won’t t-talk.

The other regular, a dumb-looking CONSTRUCTION WORKER

whispers into his cell phone.

Cam sees this. MARCHES over.

CAM

GIMMEE THAT PHONE.

(snatches it from him)

Who THE FUCK were you calling?

(looks)

911? GODDAMMIT.

She SHOOTS him in the head. BANG.

Dumb-looking falls off his stool.

Hits the floor. THUMP.

GRIZZLED REGULAR

Ohmigod, NO -- PLEASE, NO!

Cam puts the gun in the waistband of her jeans.

Smiles. Evil.

CAM

Don’t worry. You get to live.

(beat)

Gotta leave someone to tell the story.

Grizzled nods vigorously, scared shitless.

CAM (CONT’D)

You tell the fucking cops that it was SELF-DEFENSE.

That the fat, fucking whore was gonna ATTACK ME.

Got it?

GRIZZLED REGULAR

G-got it.

CAM

(to Rod)

Let’s blow this cluster-fuck.

***