The Big Jack-Off Theory

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of Frankenstein In Love, not happy with her Kardashian-inspired 'seductress' outfit, Vita decides to become a witch in order to seduce Frankie. Meanwhile, Frankie gets Josh to help him move recently reanimated dead cheerleader Shayla to his tree house ...


INT. VITA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Very dark. Lit by a trio
of candles on the dresser.

Some dark, Lana Del Rey-ish
song plays on the stereo.

We hear a rustling in the closet.
The door opens, and out steps --

VITA. Wearing the pants,
crop top and boots.
Looks really uncomfortable.

She tentatively CLOMP-CLOMPS
over to the mirror.
Looks at herself. Sighs.

VITA
I look like Kanye’s whore.

She lies down on the bed.
Distraught. Looks around the room.

CLOSE ON --

A poster on the wall of the movie THE CRAFT.
Four cute, goth teenage witches, then --

Another poster. Willow the witch
from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER,
casting a spell, then --

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN.

VITA
BOLTS UPRIGHT in bed. Eyes full of fire.

VITA
My mother is a witch,
so I’m gonna be a witch, TOO --
(beat)
And cast a love spell on FRANKIE.

She grabs her tablet computer.
Boots up the Internet.
Types in a search --

ON THE SCREEN
We see a list of results for
HOW TO BECOME A WITCH.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL LUNCHROOM - DAY
The joint is packed with
LOUD STUDENTS eating lunch.

Gossiping, laughing, each clique
hanging out at their own table.

Frankie and Josh sit
alone in a far corner.

JOSH
So how was your first date?
(beat)
No, wait. Don’t answer that.
I don’t want to throw up
my Salisbury steak.

FRANKIE
It was so romantic.
(sighs)
I think I’m in love.

JOSH
In love? With a dead girl?

FRANKIE
She’s NOT dead. She’s -- different.

JOSH
Oh, she’s different, all right.

FRANKIE
There’s just one small problem.

JOSH
A problem? Like what? She’s COLD?
You have to keep her HIDDEN
because everybody’s LOOKING FOR HER?

FRANKIE
No, no, no. She told me
last night she wants -- a view.
(off his look)
You know, a window.
She says the basement
makes her feel -- confined.

JOSH
No SHIT.

FRANKIE
C’mon, I’m serious.
I need you to help me move her
up into the tree house.

JOSH
No way. Sorry. I’m done playing Igor.

FRANKIE
Aw, c’mon -- please?
I just need you to help me
do this one last thing,
and then I’ll never bring her up again.

JOSH
Well, that’s unless she gets buried.

FRANKIE
Please, Josh.
You’re my best friend in the world.
You’re the only one I can turn to
in this dark hour of need.

JOSH
(sighs)
You know I’m not very strong.

FRANKIE
All I need you to do is be my look-out.
No heavy lifting. Just watch my back.

JOSH
What’s in it for me?

FRANKIE
My undying friendship?

JOSH
And -- ?

FRANKIE
My Hit Girl, Harley Quinn and
Silk Spectre action figures,
still in the box, mint condition.

JOSH
Lame. NEXT.

FRANKIE
How about my signed Faster,
Pussycat, Kill, Kill movie poster.

JOSH
Signed by Russ Meyer?

FRANKIE
Uh, no. Sue Bernard.

JOSH
Who the fuck is Sue Bernard?

FRANKIE
She played the girl the go-go dancers abduct.
(beat)
Miss December, 1966, the first Jewish Playmate.

JOSH
Dude. You gotta get out more often.
(realizes)
Hey. What about your Kaley Cuoco fleshlight?

FRANKIE
My WHAT?

JOSH
C’mon. Cough it up.
You don’t need it anymore.

FRANKIE
What makes you think I have --

JOSH
You showed it to me on New Year’s Eve
when we got drunk on apricot schnapps.
Said you proved the big jack-off theory.

Pause.

FRANKIE
Oh, yeah.

JOSH
Just make sure it’s CLEAN, okay?