The Big Jack-Off Theory

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of Frankenstein In Love, not happy with her Kardashian-inspired 'seductress' outfit, Vita decides to become a witch in order to seduce Frankie. Meanwhile, Frankie gets Josh to help him move recently reanimated dead cheerleader Shayla to his tree house ...


INT. VITA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Very dark. Lit by a trio
of candles on the dresser.

Some dark, Lana Del Rey-ish
song plays on the stereo.

We hear a rustling in the closet.
The door opens, and out steps --

VITA. Wearing the pants,
crop top and boots.
Looks really uncomfortable.

She tentatively CLOMP-CLOMPS
over to the mirror.
Looks at herself. Sighs.

VITA
I look like Kanye’s whore.

She lies down on the bed.
Distraught. Looks around the room.

CLOSE ON --

A poster on the wall of the movie THE CRAFT.
Four cute, goth teenage witches, then --

Another poster. Willow the witch
from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER,
casting a spell, then --

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN.

VITA
BOLTS UPRIGHT in bed. Eyes full of fire.

VITA
My mother is a witch,
so I’m gonna be a witch, TOO --
(beat)
And cast a love spell on FRANKIE.

She grabs her tablet computer.
Boots up the Internet.
Types in a search --

ON THE SCREEN
We see a list of results for
HOW TO BECOME A WITCH.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL LUNCHROOM - DAY
The joint is packed with
LOUD STUDENTS eating lunch.

Gossiping, laughing, each clique
hanging out at their own table.

Frankie and Josh sit
alone in a far corner.

JOSH
So how was your first date?
(beat)
No, wait. Don’t answer that.
I don’t want to throw up
my Salisbury steak.

FRANKIE
It was so romantic.
(sighs)
I think I’m in love.

JOSH
In love? With a dead girl?

FRANKIE
She’s NOT dead. She’s -- different.

JOSH
Oh, she’s different, all right.

FRANKIE
There’s just one small problem.

JOSH
A problem? Like what? She’s COLD?
You have to keep her HIDDEN
because everybody’s LOOKING FOR HER?

FRANKIE
No, no, no. She told me
last night she wants -- a view.
(off his look)
You know, a window.
She says the basement
makes her feel -- confined.

JOSH
No SHIT.

FRANKIE
C’mon, I’m serious.
I need you to help me move her
up into the tree house.

JOSH
No way. Sorry. I’m done playing Igor.

FRANKIE
Aw, c’mon -- please?
I just need you to help me
do this one last thing,
and then I’ll never bring her up again.

JOSH
Well, that’s unless she gets buried.

FRANKIE
Please, Josh.
You’re my best friend in the world.
You’re the only one I can turn to
in this dark hour of need.

JOSH
(sighs)
You know I’m not very strong.

FRANKIE
All I need you to do is be my look-out.
No heavy lifting. Just watch my back.

JOSH
What’s in it for me?

FRANKIE
My undying friendship?

JOSH
And -- ?

FRANKIE
My Hit Girl, Harley Quinn and
Silk Spectre action figures,
still in the box, mint condition.

JOSH
Lame. NEXT.

FRANKIE
How about my signed Faster,
Pussycat, Kill, Kill movie poster.

JOSH
Signed by Russ Meyer?

FRANKIE
Uh, no. Sue Bernard.

JOSH
Who the fuck is Sue Bernard?

FRANKIE
She played the girl the go-go dancers abduct.
(beat)
Miss December, 1966, the first Jewish Playmate.

JOSH
Dude. You gotta get out more often.
(realizes)
Hey. What about your Kaley Cuoco fleshlight?

FRANKIE
My WHAT?

JOSH
C’mon. Cough it up.
You don’t need it anymore.

FRANKIE
What makes you think I have --

JOSH
You showed it to me on New Year’s Eve
when we got drunk on apricot schnapps.
Said you proved the big jack-off theory.

Pause.

FRANKIE
Oh, yeah.

JOSH
Just make sure it’s CLEAN, okay?

A Little Local Color

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of Frankenstein In Love, Vita gets her new 'sexy' outfit in the mail, and gets humiliated by her mother who realizes she wants wear it to try and seduce Frankie. Meanwhile, local small-town deputy Chet Beverage convinces big-city CDC agent Beck Driver to help on her investigation into the dead rat that Frankie brought back to life ...


INT. VITA’S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT
Vita comes in the front door.
Closes it. Looks tired. Beat.

PEGGY (O.C.)
Is that you, honey?

VITA
Hi, Mom.

Peggy appears. Holding a pop tart.
She takes a bite.

PEGGY
(mouth full of food)
How was Math Club?

VITA
A fraction of what it used to be.

PEGGY
(SPRAYS out food)
Oh, that’s FUNNY.
(wipes mouth with the back of her hand)
Your FedEx package arrived.

VITA
Oh, wow. Where did --

PEGGY
(takes another bite)
I put it on your bed. What did you get?
(beat)
If you don’t mind my asking.

VITA
Just some -- stuff.

PEGGY
(chewing)
Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.

VITA
(sighs)
Some -- pants -- and a top. And some boots.

PEGGY
(SPRAYS food out her mouth)
You bought an OUTFIT?
Looks like my little tomboy is g
etting in touch with her feminine side --
(off her stare, excited)
It’s Frankie Stein, isn’t it.
He finally asked you out.
(off her stare)
Oh, I’m sorry.
I’m butting in again.
You go on upstairs.
Dinner’ll be ready in
about half-an-hour. Okay?

She takes another big bite of pop tart.
Talks, mouth full.

PUSH IN ON Vita’s face.
Beyond humiliated.

VITA
Sure thing, mom. Can’t wait.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Beck walks briskly to her rental car.
Presses the key chain auto-lock, THWIP.
Chet appears out of nowhere.

CHET
Ms. Driver -- ?

BECK
Jesus fucking CHRIST.
You scared the shit out of me.

CHET
Sorry about that.

BECK
What do you want?
I’m tired and I just want to go
back to my bland, suburban hotel room,
get drunk and watch some porn.

Chet stares. Wow.
A real ‘big city’ girl.

CHET
I just wanted to -- offer my services.

BECK
Sorry, doll -- hate to burst
your drool-bubble,
but you’re not my type.

CHET
Gosh, no -- I didn’t mean THAT.
I meant with the investigation.

BECK
Thanks, but no thanks. I work alone.
(off his look)
No hard feelings, okay, champ?
I’m sure you need to go patrol the diner,
the pool hall -- maybe check on the sock hop.

CHET
Listen, lady -- I don’t know what’s
got your dander up, but I was
just trying to be helpful.
(beat)
Small town folks won’t take too kindly
to a big-city government agent
snooping around askin’ a lot questions.
(off her look)
Unless they have a little local color with ‘em.

Pause.

BECK
Okay. Tell you what.
Meet me here tomorrow morning at nine-sharp.
But let ME do all the talking, capiche?

CHET
(beaming)
Sure thing. Thanks. You won’t regret it.
You’ll see. We’ll make a great team.

BECK
(rolls her eyes)
I have no doubt about that.

CHET
You got it. My pleasure.

BECK
Oh. One more thing.

CHET
Sure.

BECK
What the fuck’s a ‘dander?’

Love Nest

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of Frankenstein In Love, agent Beck Driver from the CDC goes to the city morgue to examine the dead rat that Frankie brought back to life. Meanwhile, down in his basement lab, Frankie has his first 'date' with his crush Shayla, the dead cheerleader he brought back to life ...


INT. MORGUE - DAY
Cold, sterile. Right out of Quincy.
Chet and Beck stand next to the
MEDICAL EXAMINER (50’s),
a tall, bird-like chap.

Wisps of white hair fleck a bald head.
Piercing eyes like steel.

MEDICAL EXAMINER
Most unusual.
We don’t usually handle animals.

He goes to a steel drawer.
They follow him.

He slides it open to reveal --
a tangled mess of blood, bones and
fur in a glass case marked ‘biohazard.’

BECK
Jesus. What HAPPENED to it?

CHET
I shot it, but it kept coming at me.
I finally got the little fucker by
smashing his skull in with my nightstick.

MEDICAL EXAMINER
I’ve never seen anything
like it in my entire career.
It was dead -- but still moving around.

BECK
And you know that from
examining a tissue sample?

MEDICAL EXAMINER
Indeed. It died twelve hours
before the nightstick incident.

CHET
(looks at Beck)
What do you think?
How could this have happened?

BECK
It would seem that someone --
brought it back to life.

CHET
Brought it back --

MEDICAL EXAMINER
To LIFE?

BECK
Yeah. I need to take it back to
Washington and run some tests on it.

CHET
This used to be such a sleepy little town.
Now all this crazy shit’s going on.

BECK
What else is going on?

CHET
The head cheerleader was killed
in a hit and run. And then abducted.

BECK
She was abducted AFTER she was killed?

CHET
Yeah. What? You look -- strange.

BECK
If this means what I think it means --

MEDICAL EXAMINER
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

INT. FRANKIE’S BASEMENT LAB - NIGHT
The sickly-sweet shag carpet
‘soft rock’ sound of Bread’s
I WANT TO MAKE IT WITH YOU over --

Frankie and Shayla, sitting at a
small card table having a candlelit dinner
of fish sticks and sparkling cider.

He wears a sport coat. Shayla, one
of Frankie’s mother’s old dresses.
And tons of garish make-up, poorly applied.

She turns her head to look at something,
and the scarf that hides her
smashed-in skull slips off.

Frankie barely notices.

FRANKIE
So I said to Josh,
‘I said nitrate, NOT titrate.’

He chuckles, pleased with his joke.
Shayla cocks her head.
Pokes at her food with her fork.

SHAYLA
Don’t -- understand.

FRANKIE
Silly me. I’m sorry.
Let’s talk about something else.

The song ends. The mix segues
into The Carpenter’s CLOSE TO YOU.

Shayla recognizes it.
JUMPS UP from her chair.

SHAYLA
I love -- this song.

She starts awkwardly moving to the music.
Gives Frankie her best ‘come hither’ look.

SHAYLA
(sings along)
Just like me, they want to be -- close to you --
(to Frankie)
Come -- dance with me.

Frankie gets up. Goes to her.
They start slow dancing.

You know the kind.
That classic high school dance,
rocking back and forth, holding
onto each other for dear life.

SHAYLA
(touches his hair)
You saved me.
(looks down)
Oooh. Looks like -- somebody’s
getting -- excited.

FRANKIE
Sorry --

SHAYLA
It’s -- okay. It means --

Frankie’s body JERKS.

FRANKIE
Oh, man.
(beat)
I’m sorry.

SHAYLA
It’s okay.
(beat)
I think I’m used to it.

FRANKIE
I’m really sorry, Shayla.
You’re so beautiful, I --

ANGLE ON --

A long extension cord on the floor,
plugged into another one.

We see the wires near one of
the plugs is frayed.
She steps on it, and --

SHAYLA
Gets ZAPPED with electricity. ZZZZZZZZ.

She JUMPS.
PULLS BACK from Frankie,
in shock. Literally.

SHAYLA
YOW.

FRANKIE
(looks down)
Omigod, I’m so sorry.
I meant to fix that.
Are you okay?

SHAYLA
Okay?
(eyes glowing)
I feel fucking FANTASTIC.

FRANKIE
But you just got shocked --

SHAYLA
Hell, yeah. I’m on FIRE, baby.
I haven’t felt this good since --

She looks around the room.

SHAYLA
There’s no windows.

FRANKIE
Well, yeah. It’s a basement.

SHAYLA
(pouts)
I want a view.

FRANKIE
A view.

SHAYLA
Yeah. It’s claustrophobic.

FRANKIE
Well, we can’t have that.

He stares off into space, thinking. Then --

FRANKIE
I’ve GOT IT.
It’ll be PERFECT.
The TREE HOUSE.

SHAYLA
Tree house?

FRANKIE
Yeah.
(beat)
Can you say ‘love nest?’

Hit and Run Holiday

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of Frankenstein In Love, the cops comb every inch of the crime scene where head cheerleader Shayla Petrie was killed in a hit and run accident. Meanwhile, Center For Disease Control agent Beck Driver arrives on the scene to investigate the dead rat that science genius nerd Frankie Stein brought back to life ...


EXT. OLD COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
We recognize the spot where Willis
kicked Shayla out of the car.

And the curve in the road
where she was plowed over
by the hit and run driver.

But instead of being isolated,
it’s now a CRIME SCENE.

A gaggle of CRIME TECHS
search the area for clues.

In the background is
the same media circus,
now behind barricades,
kept back by a handful
of UNIFORMED OFFICERS.


Chet talks to the CHIEF OF POLICE,
a pasty-fasted big fella squeezed
like a sausage into a cheap suit.

Meet CAPPY WIND (50’s), Venison’s
low-rent version of the high command.

CHET
He’s kind of a fuck-up, chief.
But I don’t think he had anything
to do with her disappearance.
He was genuinely surprised to
find out she didn’t come home.

CHIEF WIND
But you said he acted kinda guilty.

CHET
Yeah, but not because of any foul play.
He wouldn’t admit that they’d been drinking,
but he told me she threw up all over
the inside of his vehicle.
(beat)
You know teenagers.

CHIEF WIND
Too well.
But we got an anonymous tip
from someone who said he liked to hit her.
As of now, he’s our chief suspect.

An INTENSE-LOOKING TECH
looks up from his work

INTENSE-LOOKING TECH
We got bits of skull and brains here, chief.

CHIEF WIND
So she was definitely killed.

He nods. Points at a spot
on the side of the road.

INTENSE-LOOKING TECH
And we’ve got tire tracks that show
a vehicle screeched to a stop here.
(points)
And there’s traces of blood here.
(points)
And these marks suggest that
a large object was dragged --
(points)
Over here.
And see here where they stopped?
The body was moved.

CHET
What do you think happened?

INTENSE-LOOKING TECH
If you ask me, she was hit by a car,
then dragged off into another car
and taken away.

CHET
Jesus CHRIST.
Who the hell would do THAT?

CHIEF WIND
That’s what we’re gonna find out, son.
NOBODY steals the dead body of
the head cheerleader in MY TOWN.
(mutters to himself)
That nubile, young flesh.

CHET
Of course not, sir.
(thinks)
Actually, uh -- I think they did. Sir.

CHIEF WIND
Shut up, Beverage.
You know what I meant.
We’re gonna find the culprit, GOT IT?

CHET
Got it. Sir.

CHIEF WIND
And I’m putting YOU in charge of the case.

CHET
Sir?

CHIEF WIND
I want you to comb EVERY INCH
of this bucolic, lower-middle-class
paradise and FIND this monster.

CHET
Yes, SIR.

CHIEF WIND
I want the good people of Venison
to know that we will HUNT DOWN
and BRING TO JUSTICE anyone who
DARES to abduct our objects of desire.

INT. VENISON POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
The usual drab, puke-colored institutional joint.
Strange details scream out ‘built in the 70’s.’

A LARGE COP sits at the front desk
working a crossword puzzle.

Beck Driver MARCHES up to him briskly.

BECK
Excuse me.

LARGE COP
(eyes on the paper)
Gimme one sec.

BECK
Beck Driver, CDC, here to
see Officer Chet Beverage.

LARGE COP
(looks at her)
What’s a five-letter word for fat?

BECK
Obese.

LARGE COP
That’s IT.
(writes it down, looks up)
How may I help you?

BECK
Beck Driver, CDC, here to
see Officer Chet Beverage.

LARGE COP
Beck? Like the musician?

BECK
It’s short for Rebecca.
(low)
I’m here about the rat.

LARGE COP
Oh. That.
You need to go to the morgue. Downstairs.
I’ll have him meet you down there.

Beck nods. Marches off.
Large picks up the phone.
Watches her.

LARGE COP
Nice rack --