Keeping Up With Cuntdashians

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of Frankenstein In Love, science genius nerd Frankie Stein and his friend Josh transport cheerleader Shayla's Petrie's dead body to his underground lab for 'rejuvenation.' Meanwhile, his lovesick neighbor Vita Heck shops online for an ensemble that will help her seduce him ...


INT. FRANKIE'S VOLKSWAGON BUS - NIGHT
Frankie drives. Mind reeling.
Deep in thought.

Josh stares out the window.
Miserable.

JOSH
So where are you going to put her?

FRANKIE
In my basement lab, of course.

JOSH
Are you fucking KIDDING me?
That’s crazy. Your mom will find her.

FRANKIE
No, she won’t.
She’s forbidden to go down there.
It’s my domain. It’s not just my lab,
it’s also my bedroom, where I sleep.

JOSH
You’re going to sleep in the same room
as a DEAD BODY?

FRANKIE
She’s not going to be dead very long, Josh.

JOSH
Yeah. That’s what I’m AFRAID of.

EXT. STEIN RESIDENCE - NIGHT
Frankie’s car pulls into the driveway.

INT. FRANKIE'S VOLKSWAGON BUS - NIGHT
Frankie parks. Shuts off the ignition.

FRANKIE
We can’t move her now.
We have to wait until my mom is asleep.

JOSH
WE?

FRANKIE
C’mon. I need your help.
We’re in this together.

JOSH
We ARE?

FRANKIE
You just helped me remove a dead body
from the scene of an accident.
If that’s not ‘in this together,’
I don’t know what is.

JOSH
(sighs)
What time should I be here?

FRANKIE
Midnight.

JOSH
Should I bring anything?

FRANKIE
If you find your balls,
that might help.

Josh rolls his eyes.
Opens the car door.

JOSH
Very funny.

FRANKIE
Hey, come on.
I’m just messing with you.
Thanks for helping me out.
I owe you one.
You’re my best friend.

JOSH
Are you TRYING to scare me?

INT. VITA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
The Cure’s queasy, plaintive,
over-the-top romantic dirge
PICTURES OF YOU plays on the stereo.

Dark, like a cave. Candles burning.
Horror movie and goth rock band
posters dot the walls.

Vita sits at her desk,
cruising the web.

She picks up her cell.
Punches a number.

VITA
Imogene -- ?
(listens)
Yeah, It’s me.
We’re not playing tonight.
(listens)
I’ve got this gnarly cold.
I’ve been coughing up chunks.
(listens)
Yeah. I’ve called the others.
(listens)
Yep. We’re on for next week.
(listens)
Beware The Phantom Brigade.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Shakes her head.

Starts working the
mouse and keyboard.

ON THE SCREEN
We see the ZARA website.
Vita clicks on APPAREL.

We see a series of ‘young, hip’
fashions: pants, tops and shoes.

VITA
Scrunches up her face.
Moves the mouse.
Examines the choices.

VITA
Okay. Time to keep up
with the cunt-dashians.
(beat)
I’ll take ‘fucking with the dark side’
for fifty, Alex --
(beat)
How about a pair of black skin-tight
low rider bell-bottoms --
even though I don’t have a huge ass --

ON THE SCREEN
She adds it to her shopping cart.

VITA
Looks at the screen.
Moves the mouse.

VITA
And how about a saucy little
midriff-baring top?
For that ‘hard to please’
flat chested gal.’
Eat your heart out
Taylor not-too-swift.
(beat)
Now for some shoes --

She clicks the mouse again.

ON THE SCREEN
A page of shoes appears.
Flats. High heels. Boots.

VITA (O.C.)
Black fabric ankle boots?
Bella Legosi’s alive after all --

VITA
Smiles. Fingers CLACK-CLACK
across the keyboard.

VITA
Because when the going gets tough --
the tough buy shit online.

She CLICKS the mouse.
PUNCHES ‘send.’

She gets up from the desk.
Goes to the window.
Looks out at Frankie’s house.

VITA
Watch out, Frankie Stein.
There’s a new archetype in town --