Fly The Friendly Skies

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of BABY HEISTER, after shooting and killing the motorcycle cop, Jo pulls the hearse off the freeway into a gas station in a nasty part of town, where she runs afoul of a gang of pint-sized gang bangers. Meanwhile, Doc, Kelsey, Dusty and Reno negotiate fitting themselves plus their bags of loot in a charter plane bound for LAX ...


EXT. FREEWAY - DAY
The hearse turns off at the next exit.
Goes down the ramp.

EXT. EAST LA - INTERSECTION - DAY
A REALLY shitty part of town.
Crumbling apartment blocks.

The hearse pulls into
an abandoned gas station.

INT. HEARSE - DAY
Jo slips the gun in her pocket.
Opens the car door.

EXT. ABANDONED GAS STATION - DAY
She gets out. Looks around.
Not a soul to be seen.

Sees a pay phone. Walks over to it.
Lifts the receiver. Listens. Dead.

SNEERING GANG-BANGER (O.C.)
Hey, lady. Where’s the funeral?

She turns, sees a pair of
THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD HISPANIC KIDS
holding switchblades.
They FLIP them open menacingly.

LAUGHING GANG-BANGER
Looks like someone got lost or somethin.’

SNEERING GANG-BANGER
What you doin’ in this neighborhood?
This is OUR territory.

JO
I had a -- little problem with the police.

LAUGHING GANG-BANGER
You hear DAT? She had a
little trouble with the five-oh?

SNEERING GANG-BANGER
Well, now you have a little trouble with US.
Give us your WALLET, bitch.

JO
(WHIPS OUT her gun)
The TROUBLE involved SHOOTING A COP.
Now get the FUCK out of my face
before I BLOW A HOLE in your REFRIED BRAINS.

SNEERING GANG-BANGER
Holy SHIT. Don’t shoot, lady.

LAUGHING GANG-BANGER
Yo, chill. We were just fuckin’ with ya --

JO
(CLICKS the safety)
Get your CHALUPAS the
FUCK out of my FACE. NOW.

They RUN. Jo watches them go.
Thinking. A light bulb POPS.

JO
Jack Cotton --

EXT. PALM SPRINGS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY
Gorgeous, beautiful mountains in the distance.
A small, white circular building
with passenger ramps around it like an octopus.
Planes taxi on the runways.

EXT. CHARTER FLIGHT HANGER - DAY
A smallish building for private jets.
Parked in front is a PIPER CUB.

One of those tiny planes used for
crop dusting and pulling banners across the sky.

Standing next to it is BRUB (50’s),
a grizzled pilot.

He looks at Doc, Kelsey, Reno and Dusty.
Then the duffle bags.

BRUB
Plane’s too small.
Jo said it would only be two people.

DOC
We had a change of plan.

DUSTY
(points at Reno)
What if I sit on his lap?

RENO
Yeah. We could squeeze in real tight.

BRUB
Too much weight.
I can take two of you, plus the bags.
That’s it.

KELSEY
(to Doc)
Shit. What are we gonna do?

BRUB
Tell ya what. It only takes
fifteen minutes to get to LAX.
Why don’t I take two of you first,
then come back?

DOC
That means we’d have to wait half an hour --

BRUB
Seeing as how we go way back and all --
I’ll only charge half-price
for the second trip.

DOC
It’s a deal.
Kelsey and me will go first, with the bags.

RENO
Wait a minute.
I thought we were splitting up
the take on the plane.

DUSTY
That’s right.
If something happens,
we’re shit outta luck.

DOC
Tell ya what.
We’ll take one bag, leave one with you.

RENO
But who says each bag has
the same amount of dough in it?

KELSEY
Each bag has about a half-million in it.
What’s the fucking problem?
Doc’s giving you a lift, AND
letting you stay at his loft. Chill OUT.
We’ve gotta get the fuck OUTTA here
instead of wasting our time
standing around ARGUING.

DUSTY
Broad’s right.

RENO
Okay, okay.

DOC
(nods)
See you at LAX.

Dusty nods. Brub opens the door.
Doc picks up a bag. Stuffs it in.
He and Kelsey get in. Then Brub.

The plane’s propellers start WHIRRING.
Starts taxiing down the runway.

RENO
C’mon.
Let’s go see what kinda grub they got.

DUSTY
Fuck that. I could use a drink --

Leave The Driving To Us

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of BABY HEISTER, Doc, Kelsey, Dusty and Reno drive their getaway vehicle to the airport so they can make their escape. Meanwhile, Jo drives a hearse with their life savings hidden in a casket in the back, but when she gets stopped by the highway patrol, thing turn violent ...


INT. CRIME SCENE TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Kelsey drives. Doc chats
with Reno and Dusty in the back.

DOC
We’ll do the split on the plane.
When we get to LAX,
you can do whatever you want.

DUSTY
I dunno.
Won’t they be watching the airports?

RENO
Yeah.
That place ain’t gonna be safe.

DUSTY
(to Doc)
Where you gonna go?

DOC
I’ve got a limo waiting on the tarmac.
Straight shot out of the airport.

RENO
Where’s it gonna take you?

DOC
A safe house downtown.

RENO
Well, fuck.
Can we come with you?
Perfect place to lie low for a bit.

Doc stares off into space. Thinking.

DUSTY
Whattaya say, Doc.
It’s only for a couple of days
till the heat dies down.

DOC
(looks at him)
Yeah, sure. Sorry.
Still upset about losing that farm.
My whole life, that’s all I ever wanted.

KELSEY
What about Jo?

DOC
She’s driving the stash
directly over to the loft.

DUSTY
If you don’t mind me askin,’
how much is it?

DOC
Forty years worth of heisting?
(pause for effect)
Little over twenty million.

Reno whistles.

KELSEY
Isn’t that kinda dangerous?
Traveling with that much scratch?

DOC
Not when it’s in a casket.

EXT. FREEWAY - DAY
The hearse heads west toward
Los Angeles in sparse traffic.

INT. HEARSE - MOVING - DAY
Country music on the radio.
Jo sits behind the wheel, driving.

Now wearing a chauffeur's cap
and aviator shades.

She looks in the rear view mirror.
Sees something.

JO
Shit, shit, shit.

BEHIND HER
Is a Highway Patrol car.
Lights FLASHING.

JO
Pulls over to the side of the road.
Pulls out a HANDGUN.

THE PATROL CAR
Pulls up behind her.

An ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER gets out.
Ambles over to the driver’s-side window.
It SLIDES down.

IN THE HEARSE
Jo looks at the trooper. Smiles.

JO
Good day, officer.
Was I going too fast?

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Your tag’s expired.
License, registration and
proof of insurance, please.

She pulls out a wallet.
Starts handing documents to him.

JO
I’m so sorry.
I’ll get that taken care of right away.
(points at the registration)
The car is in my husband’s name.
We own the funeral home.

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Since when does the owner of a funeral
home drive the hearse themselves?

JO
When you’re a small family business,
everybody has to pitch in.

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Would you please step out of the vehicle?
I’d like to see what’s in the casket.

JO
I’m sorry, officer. It’s sealed.
I can’t open it.

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Step out of the vehicle NOW.

JO
Okay, I’m sorry.

She slowly opens the door.
Grabs the gun. WHIPS IT UP.

SHOOTS him. BANG. BANG. BANG.
He CLUTCHES his chest.

Stares at her in shock.
Falls over, HITS the pavement, THWUMP.

JO
That’s what you get for
disrespecting your elders.

Flight Plan

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Holidaze. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey, Doc and the gang make their escape with the loot from the armored car robbery. Meanwhile, Jo leaves the farm to join them at the safe house ... in a hearse ...


EXT. TILLY’S JOINT - DAY
Doc and Kelsey sit in the truck.

See flames of fire
licking the edges of the windows
on the first floor of the house.

Reno and Dusty dash
out the front door.

Run to the truck.
Jump in the back.

Doc turns around.
Looks at them.

DOC
You got the barn, too?
(off his nod, to Kelsey)
Let’s roll.

Kelsey turns the ignition.
going down the driveway.

THE HOUSE
EXPLODES IN A BALL OF FIRE -- BOOM.
Debris goes FLYING.

DOC
Turns.
Looks out the window.

DOC
What the --

RENO
Little trick I learned.
Hot water heater
in the basement.
(smiles)
Put the bodies
right next to it.

A HUMAN HAND
Lands on the windshield
with a SLAP.

Kelsey SCREAMS.

EXT. DOC’S FARMHOUSE - FRONT PORCH - AT THAT MOMENT
Jo comes out the front door.
Looks natty in a black men’s suit.

She goes down the steps,
on a mission, walks toward --

EXT. DOC’S BARN - DAY
A massive, two-story affair.
Jo walks over to the big doors.

IN THE BARN
Jo SNAPS on the lights,
revealing a giant, two-story room.

Bales of hay sits
against the far wall.

She grabs a pitchfork.
STABS it.

TOSSES IT
with surprising strength.

INT. DOC’S BARN - A LITTLE LATER
The front portion of the
bales of hay is now gone,
revealing a pair of doors.

She unlocks them.
Steps inside --

A HIDDEN COMPARTMENT
Where we see a big vehicle
covered with a tarp.

She grabs the front end.
YANKS it off, revealing --
a CADILLAC HEARSE.

The Dark Side

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of BABY HEISTER, in the aftermath of the bloodbath after Freddie Fingers' attempted double-cross, the gang regroups and prepares to high-tail it to their safe house. Meanwhile, Robbery Homicide chief Darryl Rooker meets with undercover cop Flint Cole, hired for his 'unorthodox methods' of bringing the bad guys to justice ...


EXT. TILLIE'S FARM - DAY
Kelsey stops in the driveway.

DOC
Go change the signs.
Put the old ones in the barn, okay?

She nods. Starts to get out.
Stops. Stares at Doc. In shock.

DOC
You gotta trust me.
We’ll make it through this.
I’m not gonna let anything
happen to you. Okay?

Kelsey nods.
Eyes bright with tears. Gets out.

Doc pulls out his cell.
Punches a number. Listens.

DOC
Hello, Jo?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DOC’S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Jo stands at the wall phone,
holding the receiver to her ear.

JO
What’s wrong?

DOC
It’s D-day.
No time to explain.
Call Brub at the airport.
Charter a plane for us to LAX.
Then call Crutch, have a
limo waiting for us there.
Then drive the stash
to the loft downtown.
We’ll meet you there. Okay?

JO
Got it. Is everybody okay?

DOC
Yeah. Don’t pack anything.
You gotta leave immediately.
Okay? Love you.

JO
Okay. Love you.

She hangs up.
Goes to the stove. Turns it off.

JO
Sorry, pot roast --

EXT. TILLY’S JOINT - DAY
Kelsey RIPS a sign off the
side of the Roto-Helper truck.

It now reads CRIME SCENE BUSTERS.

INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE - DAY
Chief Detective Darryl Rooker
sits behind his desk.

Looks really pissed off.
Sips a mug of coffee.

DARRYL
Went off without a hitch.
Not a shot was fired.
Guards were tied, gagged
and stuffed in a truck.
Whole thing went down
in a couple of minutes.

Standing nearby holding a
bottle of water is another COP.

COP
Sounds like a Doc Hazard
special to me.

Meet FLINT COLE (40’s), ex Marine.
Now a bit fleshy. Crazy eyes.

Does the undercover thing
a little too well.

You can practically smell him on the page.
But he’s still the best.

DARRYL
No shit.
I want you to get your ass
over to Palm Springs.

FLINT
I thought Willis was on that.

DARRYL
He’s disappeared.
I think he might have been
the victim of foul play.

FLINT
Got too close?

DARRYL
Either that, or he went to
the dark side and got burned.

FLINT
Which is why you called me.

DARRYL
Well, you’re off suspension.
Cleared of all charges.
And you’ve got a bit of a reputation for --

FLINT
My unorthodox methods?

DARRYL
Yeah, well -- you get results.
(beat)
The department has been after Doc Hazard
and his crew for over twenty years.
They’ve cost the taxpayers millions of dollars.
You get where I’m going with this?

FLINT
In other words,
you want me to blow the lid off?

DARRYL
I want you to go fucking nuts.
And that’s an order.

Flint CRUSHES the bottle.
CRACK. Water EXPLODES.

FLINT
Let’s fucking rock --

Dead Weight

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of BABY HEISTER, after successfully robbing the armored car, Freddie Fingers tries to double cross Kelsey and Doc and steal the loot, with deadly results ...


EXT. TILLY’S JOINT - DAY
A ramshackle clapboard affair
sits at the end of a long driveway
surrounded by big, old oak trees.

The joint’s in serious disrepair.
Dead, brown lawn. Crumbling foundation.

Next to the house is a small barn
that looks like it’d fall over
if you sneezed. Doors open.

The Roto-Helper truck
comes down the driveway.
Drives into the barn. Stops.

INT. BARN - DAY
Kelsey gets out of the truck.
Goes around to the back, opens the door.

Reno and Dusty get out.
Freddie steps out from the shadows
holding a shotgun. Aims it at them.

FREDDIE
Don’t move, or I’ll SHOOT.

DUSTY
What the FUCK?

RENO
Asshole. I KNEW it.

KELSEY
You’re not gonna get away this.

FREDDIE
Fuck you, bitch.
Now all of you take your guns
out slowly and TOSS ‘em.

Kelsey, Reno and Dusty shake their heads.
Curse under their breath.
Slowly pull out their guns. Toss them.

RENO
What’s it like knowing you’re gonna die?

FREDDIE
Shut up. Kick ‘em over here.

They kick their guns over.

DUSTY
You realize you’re a dead man, right?

FREDDIE
I said SHUT UP.
One more word and I’ll
blow your fucking HEADS off.

A GUNSHOT rings out. BANG.
A hole appears in Freddie’s forehead.

He falls over, THWUMP.
They turn and look, see --

RAY
Standing in the doorway.
Holding a giant chrome handgun.
Wicked smile on his lips. Chuckling.

RAY
Sorry to crash the party.
(off Kelsey’s shocked look)
Hey there, darlin.’
Don’t suppose you’d like to
ride off into the sunset with me.

KELSEY
Fucking ASSHOLE.

RAY
So ladylike.
(waves the gun at them)
Start unloading the dough, fellas.
Then your gonna put it
in my van outside.

GUNSHOTS ring out.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

Five RED HOLES appear in his white T-shirt.
He looks down at them --

RAY
What the --

And HITS the ground. THWUMP.

TILLY
Stands in the doorway behind him.
Holding a small handgun.

TILLY
You shot my FREDDIE.

DUSTY
Tilly. Calm down. He’s not with us.
He wasn’t part of the plan, I swear.

RENO
Yeah. Don’t shoot, don’t shoot.

TILLY
SHUT UP. I gotta THINK.

BANG. Her head EXPLODES IN A RED MIST.
Kelsey JUMPS. SCREAMS.

DOC
Stands behind her.
Holding a sawed-off shotgun.

KELSEY
Doc.

DOC
Didn’t think I’d let you do the job
without a chaperone, did ya?
(beat)
Looks like I got here just in time.

RENO
No shit. Freddie tried a cross --
(points at Ray)
And this fella shot him.

Doc goes over to Ray’s body.
Pull out his wallet.

DOC
Bastard been sniffin’
around since the wake.
(opens the wallet, looks)
The guy’s a fucking COP.
Detective Charles Willis,
LA Robbery Homicide.

DUSTY
Holy SHIT. You know what that means?

DOC
Yeah. They’re onto us.

RENO
But he wasn’t arresting us.
He was gonna TAKE THE DOUGH.

DUSTY
Yeah, but the cops still know about us.
He was playing along like
he was investigating us --
then he was gonna take the dough
and disappear.

RENO
So when word gets out about
the can getting knocked over --

DOC
Dead cop? Gonna be a shit storm.

Kelsey stares. Numb.
White a ghost. Doc looks at her.

DOC
Don’t worry.
We’re gonna be okay.
I’ve been planning
for this day a long time.
(off her nod)
Take a deep breath.

She gulps down air.
Stares at the bodies.

DOC
Be strong.
You can freak out later.
Right now we gotta focus.

RENO
So what are we gonna
do about the bodies?

DUSTY
I say we torch the joint.

DOC
Good idea.

Reno and Dusty nod.
Head toward the house.

DOC
C’mon. Let’s move the truck.
I gotta call Jo.

Kelsey nods. They get in,
Kelsey behind the wheel.
She starts backing it out of the barn.

IN THE TRUCK
Kelsey stops in the driveway.

DOC
Go change the signs.
Put the old ones in the barn, okay?

She nods. Starts to get out.
Stops. Stares at Doc. In shock.

DOC
You gotta trust me.
We’ll make it through this.
I’m not gonna let
anything happen to you. Okay?

Cherry-Popping

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of BABY HEISTER, Doc, Kelsey and the gang rip off the armored car in the diner parking lot, and escape with millions of dollars ...


EXT. RUBY’S DINER - DAY
Seven AM. Zero hour.

A smattering of cars and trucks
dot the parking spaces in front.
The spaces to the side are empty.

A big, tall van marked ROTO-HELPER pulls in.
Parks to the right of the armored car’s space.

Dusty gets out. Shuts the door.
Ambles into the restaurant.

An ancient Toyota pulls in.
Parks to the left of the armored car’s space,
but on an angle with it’s nose to the right
to make sure no one else parks
where the can is supposed to go.

ANGLE ON --
The Toyota. We see Kelsey’s behind the wheel,
wearing shades and a baseball cap.
She lights a smoke. Waiting.

EXT. GAS STATION - DAY
Down the street near the exit
to the gas station lot,
the big, shitty truck idles,
Reno behind the wheel.

IN THE RESTAURANT
Tilly looks at her watch.
Nods to herself.

Puts a sign that says
AREA CLOSED FOR CLEANING
in the area near the side window.
Then wheels the bucket and mop over.

ON THE FREEWAY
The armored car turns off,
drives into the lot.

AT THE GAS STATION
Big, shitty truck pulls out.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Kelsey drives her car behind the diner.

THE ARMORED CAR
Pulls into its space to the left
of the Roto-Helper truck.

DUSTY
Sits in the diner.
Having coffee at the counter. Watching.

IN THE PARKING LOT
The armored car DRIVER gets out.
Goes to the rear of the truck,
raps on the door,
and a UNIFORMED GUARD gets out.

They pull out their keys.
Insert them in separate key holes.

Lock the door.
Then head into the diner.

The big, shitty truck pulls in.
Parks in the space to the left
of the armored car, blocking the view.

IN THE TRUCK
We now get a closer look at Reno.
We see he’s wearing the armored car
company uniform, but not the hat.

He checks his gun.
Holsters it. Slips on shades.

IN THE DINER
Dusty watches Driver and Guard
leave the bathroom.

Pick up their ‘to go’ coffee order.
Sees his cue. Leaves.

FREDDIE
Gets up from his stool at the counter.
Walks into the back.

THE DRIVER AND GUARD
Come out of the diner.
Start walking toward the can.

EXT. DINER PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Dusty stands between the truck and the can.
Kicks the front right tire of the truck.

Walks to the back.
Kicks the double rear tires
on the same side. Sighs.

DUSTY
I’ll be a sonofabitch.

Driver and Guard look at Dusty. Smile.

KELSEY

Pulls her car out from behind the diner
and slowly eases it toward the three trucks.

Just as she gets perpendicular to the can,
she kills the engine.

KELSEY
GODDAMMIT.

IN THE SHITTY TRUCK
Reno hears her. Puts on his guard cap. Gets out.

THE DRIVER AND GUARD
Stand in back of the can. Pull out their keys.
Driver sticks his in. Then Guard. They stop.
Turn. Look at Kelsey.

KELSEY
Sorry. It stalls out. I just gotta give it a sec.

They nod. Return to their task.
Dusty suddenly appears and CLIPS
Guard on the side of the head with his gun.
He GOES DOWN, hits the pavement. THWUNK.

Before Driver can react,
Reno appears with a gun and a knife.

SHOVES the gun in his back.
PRICKS his neck with the knife.

RENO
(softly)
Hold very still.
(off his panicked look)
Go around to the front and have
the other guard open the door for you.

Reno moves the knife down to Driver’s hip.
PRICKS him again.

RENO
One false move and I castrate you.

Kelsey gets out of the car
holding ropes and gags.
She and Dusty tie up Unconscious Guard.

Stuff him in the shitty truck.
Kelsey gets back in her car.

Dusty trots over to Reno, now moving toward
the passenger-side of the cab with Driver.

IN THE ARMORED CAR
The OTHER GUARD sees Driver in the window,
and part of Dusty’s uniform.

He opens the door.
Dusty CLIPS Driver on the head with his gun.
He goes down. Aims his gun at Other Guard.

DUSTY
Get the fuck OUT.

Other Guard hesitates.
Looks at Driver on the ground. Swallows.

Starts slowly getting out,
just as Reno SAPS him on the head
from the other side, SMACK. He goes down.

Dusty and Kelsey carry Driver and
Other Guard into the shitty truck.
Start tying them up.

Reno starts transferring sacks and boxes
of money from the armored car
into the back of the Roto-Helper truck.

Kelsey gets in the Toyota and
drives it to the back of the diner.

Dusty helps Reno finish
putting the money in the roto-truck,
then gets in the back with it.

Kelsey returns on foot and gets in front.
Starts the engine, and drives away.

IN THE ROTO-HELPER TRUCK
Kelsey grips the steering wheel.
Big, shit-eating grin.
Dusty leans into the cab from the back.

DUSTY
Looks like someone just popped her cherry.
How do you feel?

KELSEY
Fucking GREAT.
(makes a face)
Think I peed my pants a little --

Leave The Driving To Us

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of BABY HEISTER, after wheelman Simon Leeds gets busted trying to steal a car to use in the armored car heist, Doc decides that Kelsey's ready to replace him in the crew ...


EXT. RUBY’S DINER - DAY
Quiet. A smattering of cars in the lot.
A few people inside having breakfast.
Not dead, but not that busy, either.

NEXT DOOR
In a motel parking sits
Doc’s pickup truck, facing Ruby’s.

IN THE TRUCK
Sits Doc and Kelsey.
Both watching the joint with binoculars.

IN RUBY’S PARKING LOT
The ARMORED CAR turns off the road,
approaches the diner.

KELSEY (O.C.)
Here it comes --

The can pulls into it’s
regular parking space and stops.

IN THE TRUCK
Doc looks at his watch.

DOC
Seven on the dot.

KELSEY
A well-oiled machine, huh?

DOC
Not if we can help it.

INT. DOC’S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAWN
Doc, Jo and Kelsey sit
at the table having breakfast.

JO
I still can’t believe
you two got up so early.
It’s not like you’re doing the job.

DOC
Can’t help it.
My body clock.

JO
(to Kelsey)
What’s your excuse?

KELSEY
Couldn’t sleep.
Too jacked up.

The phone on the wall RINGS.
Jo gets up. Answers it.

JO
Hello?
(to Doc)
It’s for you. Dusty.

Doc gets up.
Takes the phone.

DOC
Dusty, hey.
(listens)
Shit.
(listens)
When?
(listens)
I don’t think so.
Bring it over anyway.
(listens)
Yeah. See ya soon.

He hangs up.
Looks white as a ghost.

KELSEY
What’s wrong?

DOC
Simon went out last night
to jack some wheels
and never came back.
They think he got busted.

KELSEY
So what happens now?

DOC
Well, Dusty jacked another car.
Wanted to know if I
could be their wheelman --
but I don’t know,
with my arthritis --

KELSEY
Damn. So the job’s off?

DOC
Well, there IS someone else
that knows the job
well-enough to do it.

KELSEY
You mean --

JO
You sure that’s a good idea?

DOC
I say we let her do it.

JO
I don’t know --

DOC
She’s only driving.

Jo sighs.
Reluctantly nods.
Kelsey pumps a fist.

KELSEY
Yes --

The Family That Robs Together, Stays Together

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of BABY HEISTER, Doc and Kelsey take a trip out to the desert to buy illegal guns for their upcoming armored car robbery ...


INT. DOC’S PICKUP TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Kelsey’s behind the wheel. She looks at Doc.

KELSEY
Griff and Chelle never took me anywhere.
I was always left to fend for myself.

DOC
They were cowboys.
Never did the big jobs,
so they had to keep working.
That’s why when they tried to do one --

Pause.

KELSEY
Sometimes it feels like
they’re up there watching me, you know?

DOC
You’re wondering if they approve?

KELSEY
I dunno if approve is the right word.

DOC
They loved you very much, Kelsey.

KELSEY
Sure had a funny way of showing it.
Everyone else I knew
called their parents mom and dad.

Doc looks out the window.
Deep in thought.

DOC
All families have secrets.
Ours are just a bit -- trickier.

EXT. BAKERSFIELD - ANTIQUE STORE - DAY
A sleepy, small town main street
with sparse traffic and few pedestrians
late morning on a weekday.

Doc’s truck parks in front of
an old, run-down looking joint.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE - DAY
Jammed with all kinds of old shit,
most of which looks pretty worthless.
The cobwebs have cobwebs.

SOLLY STEIN (50’s), a round, balding,
grumpy-looking chap greets Doc and Kelsey.

SOLLY
Morning. Lookin’ for anything in particular?

DOC
Antique model airplanes. Got any?

SOLLY
(looks at Kelsey)
I might.

DOC
She’s okay. My granddaughter.

SOLLY
Kinda young --

DOC
She’s flying with me.

He nods. Goes to the front door.
Locks it. Turns the sign around.

'Sorry, We’re Closed.'
Heads toward the back.

SOLLY
Follow me.

IN THE BASEMENT
Solly leads them down a flight
of rickety stairs to a small room,
walls lined with shelves
stuffed with old boxes,
making it seem smaller.
Floor covered with wooden crates.

SOLLY
What were you looking for?

DOC
I need three pieces.
Hoping you’d give me the group rate.

SOLLY
What’s the job?

DOC
Jacking a can.

He nods. Walks over to a shelf.
Grabs a vintage model airplane box.

Opens it. Pushes aside white tissue paper.
Pulls out a Smith & Wesson
three-fifty-seven magnum revolver.

SOLLY
(hands it to him)
This work?

DOC
(hefts it)
Oh, yeah.
(smiles, to Kelsey)
One bullet can take out an engine.
(to Solly)
You got two more just like this?

SOLLY
You bet.
Only used once, on the same job.
Five hundred each.

DOC
I’ll give you twelve-hundred.

SOLLY
Thirteen.
And I’ll throw in a box of ammo.
Holsters if you want ‘em.
(off his nod)
Wanna check it?

DOC
Yeah. Then let’s see the other two.

Solly walks over to the middle of the room
where we see a circular drain grate.

He pulls it off, revealing dirt.
Nods. Turns. Gets another pair of boxes.

DOC
(to Kelsey)
Hold your ears.

Kelsey clamps her hands
on the sides of her head. Nods.

Doc walks over.
Points it into the dirt.
Takes aim. Fires. BANG.

Looks at the hole. Nods.
Hands the gun to her.

She takes it. Wide-eyed.
Smells the gun barrel.

Solly takes out the other two weapons.
Doc takes one. Examines it. Nods.
Then the other. Checks the site. Nods.

DOC
Looks good.

SOLLY
We’ve done business before.
If they’re just used for show,
I’ll buy ‘em back at half price.

DOC
I’ll let you know.

Solly nods.
Puts the guns back in their boxes.

Hands them to Kelsey, who tries
not to look like a kid at Christmas.

Doc pulls out his money roll.
Counts it out. Hands it over.

DOC
Pleasure doing business.

SOLLY
The family that heists together,
stays together, huh?

DOC
Something like that.

Thirty Minutes Or Less

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 24 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey, Doc and the gang make their final preparations for the armored car robbery, which include stealing a truck ... and getting some guns ...


INT. DOC’S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
The gang sits around the big table
eating a hearty breakfast.

Doc sits at the head,
holding court.

DUSTY
I do believe she looked almost happy.

KELSEY
I thought she was gonna bust a gut
when you told her she’d have to
stay at the diner and
meet us later at her place.

DOC
She needs to stay
and finish her shift.
Otherwise she’ll lead
the cops right to us.

SIMON
And Freddie hangs out at the diner
to establish his alibi.

DOC
Yep. It’ll give us plenty
of time to split up the dough,
change the signs on the truck --
and more importantly, prevent
them from trying a cross.
(beat)
Okay. Job assignments.
Dusty, I need you to
get the crime scene mace,
then go see a guy I know
who’ll make the new signage.

He hands him a slip of paper.
Dusty takes it. Looks it over.
Nods. Sticks it in his pocket.

DUSTY
I’m on it.

KELSEY
What’s a mace?

DOC
A vehicle that’s not hot.
Has a clean chain-of-title
with fake paperwork.
That way we can travel in it safely,
or in the case of the big truck,
leave it behind.
(to Reno)
Reno, can you get the big one?

RENO
Piece a cake.

DOC
Good. Don’t go nuts.
It can be a piece of shit.
We’re not keeping it.
(to Simon)
Simon. I assume you can
jack a set of wheels?

SIMON
We guarantee.
In thirty minutes or less.

DOC
Make sure it’s fresh.
Get it the day of the job.
And nothing flashy.

SIMON
Okay. You figured out
the parking maneuvers?

DOC
Yeah. We park the van
to the right of their spot
and the car to the left.
When the first guy goes in,
the car pulls out, and then
the big truck pulls into it’s place.

KELSEY
Why do the bit with the car?
Why not just park the big truck
there right away?

DOC
If they start to pull in
and see they’re boxed in like that,
they might park somewhere else.

KELSEY
Right.
(beat)
So what am I gonna do?

DOC
You’re gonna come with me
to get the guns.
Then we’ll stake out the diner.
Watch the can do it’s run.
Make sure it’s kosher.
Sound like a plan?

KELSEY
Works for me --

Night Of The Living Heist

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of BABY HEISTER, after checking out the scene of the armored car heist, Doc, Kelsey and gang meet with Freddie Fingers and truck stop waitress Tillie Sackler, the 'inside man,' who they finally get under control ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Doc and Kelsey sit on the couch
facing the fireplace.

Reno, Dusty and Simon
sit in easy chairs.

Everyone looks tired.
Sipping coffee.

Jo walks in
with a fresh pot.

JO
It’s like Night Of The Living Heist
in here. Anybody want a refill?

DOC
Thanks, Jo.

The doorbell RINGS.

DOC
That’ll be The Bitch and the Pauper.

JO
I’ll get it.

She goes to the door. Opens it.
In walks Freddie and Tilly.

Looks pleased with himself.
Tilly looks angry. But tamed.

DOC
Freddie. Tilly.

JO
Y’all want some java?

They both nod.
Jo goes off to get them mugs.

DOC
So we checked out the diner --

FREDDIE
Already?

DOC
Yeah. Last night.
After we met with you.
(looks at Tilly)
Wanted to see if there were
any other problems.

Tilly narrows her eyes.
Bristles.

Jo appears.
Brings them mugs of coffee.

They take them.
Sit. Exchange glances.

FREDDIE
And -- what do you think?

DOC
We can do it.

FREDDIE
So what’s your plan?

DOC
Hold on.
First there’s the matter of the split.

FREDDIE
Wh-what do you mean?

DOC
We’re doing all the heavy lifting.
It’s now five shares instead of four.
(points at the gang)
They each get one.
Kelsey and I split one,
and you two split one.
Five shares.

TILLY
Now wait a MINUTE.
This is MY JOB --

FREDDIE
I told you to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

TILLY
No, YOU shut the fuck up.

FREDDIE
THEY’RE doing all the goddamn WORK.
Yes, you came up with the job,
but you’re not a HEISTER.
You’re a fucking WAITRESS.

TILLY
(LEAPS up)
That’s it. I’m outta here.

FREDDIE
GODDAMMIT. LISTEN to me.

KELSEY
Excuse me. Tilly?
We actually DO need your help.

TILLY
Y-you need my help?

DOC
It’s a VERY important
part of the job.
Sit down.
We’ll tell you all about it --

A Chip Off The Old Crook

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey, Doc and the gang do surveillance on the diner where they plan on robbing the armored car when it stops there to pick up the cash ... and even though she's a beginner, Kelsey comes up with the perfect plan ...


EXT. RUBY’S DINER - NIGHT
Your standard desert roadside diner
on the outskirts of town.

All but deserted at this hour.
couple of cars and trucks are parked.

Only a few customers
are visible in the windows.

The SUV pulls into the parking area.
into a space off to the side
facing the windows. Stops.

INT. SUV - NIGHT
Simon shuts off the engine.
Everyone looks at the diner.

DOC
I dunno. All those windows.

RENO
Everybody on this side would see us.

DUSTY
Yeah. There’s no way.

KELSEY
What if we parked a couple of
big trucks on each side of it?

DOC
The can?

KELSEY
Yeah.

DOC
Might work --
(beat)
What about the people inside?
How could we divert them from
seeing what was happening out here?

Kelsey looks at the window. Thinking.

IN THE WINDOW
A WAITRESS blocks off a section with
an AREA CLOSED FOR CLEANING floor sign.
Then starts mopping.

KELSEY’S
Eyes light up.
She points at the waitress.

KELSEY
Look. See what she’s doing?

Everyone turns and looks.

SIMON
That’s fucking brilliant.

KELSEY
We have Tilly mop the area
in front of the window.
Make sure there’s plenty
of ammonia in the water.
Everyone will sit FAR away.

DOC
You’re a chip off the old crook.

KELSEY
Takes on to know one.
(beat)
How about we get a piece of pie?

DOC
No can do. Can’t be seen in there.
(to Simon)
C’mon. Let’s head back.

Simon starts up the engine.
Backs up the car.

DUSTY
What about an escape route?
It’s just a stretch of highway.
And I didn’t see any place
on the way we could hole up.

DOC
We need a vehicle no cop
would think of searching.

The SUV pulls out.
Heads back out onto the freeway.

SIMON
How about a school bus?

DOC
You’d have to have students in it.
Too complicated.

DUSTY
What about a roach coach?

DOC
Also too complicated. All that food.

RENO
How about a manure truck?
NO cop would wanna get NEAR that.

DOC
And you would?

KELSEY
I got it. A crime scene cleaning crew.
They’ve got those biohazard stickers on ‘em.
NO ONE wants to see what’s inside of THAT.

DOC
That’s fucking brilliant.

KELSEY
We have some other signage
for the first part of the job --
then after we jack the can it
comes off and becomes the cleaning crew.

Dusty and Reno turn.
Look at Doc. Nod slowly.

Simon looks at her in
the rear view mirror. Grins.

SIMON
Looks like the apple
didn’t fall far from
the scene of the crime --

Take The Money And Run

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of BABY HEISTER, Doc, Kelsey, Dusty and Simon go on the road to scope out the scene of the future crime at the diner ...


INT. SIMON’S SUV - NIGHT
Simon sits behind the wheel.
Doc rides shotgun.

The rest sit in the back.
Simon starts the car.

DUSTY
So what do you think?

DOC
I don’t like it.
The dame’s a wild card.
Just the type that might just
try to pull a cross.

RENO
I was thinking the same thing.
But if we’re one step ahead of her --

DOC
I’ve got half a mind to drive over there
right now and check it out.
Get it over with.

SIMON
Well, it IS cooler
in the desert at night.

DOC
(turns around)
All in favor?

Everyone SHOOTS their hands up.
Kelsey’s eyes light up.

KELSEY
Road trip.

EXT. DESERT FREEWAY - NIGHT
The SUV drives into the night
among sparse traffic.

BEHIND THEM
We see that RAY’S CAR is tailing them.

INT. RAY’S CAR - NIGHT
The classic rock of
The Steve Miller Band’s
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
plays on the radio.

Ray takes a sip from a flask.

RAY
(sings along)
Billy Joe shot a man
while robbing his castle,
Bobbie Sue took the money and run --

INT. SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
Simon drives.
Everyone looks pensive.
And a bit tired.

SIMON
We need gas.

RENO
I could go for some coffee.

KELSEY
I gotta pee.

DOC
There’s a gas station
coming up in a little bit.

DUSTY
(looks at Kelsey)
So you gotta boyfriend?

Kelsey’s head JERKS. She turns.
Looks out the window.

DOC
Leave her personal life out of it.
She’s just another heister.

DUSTY
Sorry. Just makin’ conversation.

DOC
An eighteen-year-old woman’s love life
is NOT an appropriate topic of
conversation on a job. Got it?

DUSTY
Okay, okay --

EXT. GAS STATION / CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
Simon fills the tank.
Kelsey comes out of the ladies’ room.

Doc walks up to her
with a pair of coffees.
Hands her one.

KELSEY
Thanks.

DOC
So how you holdin’ up?

KELSEY
(sips her coffee, shrugs)
Okay.

DOC
This part’s not so exciting,
I know.

Kelsey opens her mouth to speak.
Then stops. Then --

KELSEY
This is gonna sound lame --

DOC
What?

KELSEY
(big smile)
This is like the family vacation
I never had --

Half-Cocked

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of BABY HEISTER, Kesley and Doc meet with Freddie Fingers about his armored car heist ... and the 'inside man,' Tillie Sackler, a diner waitress, who turns out to a complete nightmare ...


EXT. DAIRY SHACK - NIGHT
Crickets CHIRP off somewhere
in the night air.
It’s still hot out.

The gang sits around a big picnic table
off to the side of the restaurant
eating ice cream.

NERVOUS GUY
It’s a piece a cake, I tell ya.

Meet FREDDIE FINGERS (50’s), small, squirrelly.
Pockmarked face. Jug-like ears.

Wearing a suit that was cool in the 70’s.
Blinking rapidly. Rocking back and forth in his seat.

BITCHY WOMAN
Who are all the extra people?
You said it was a four-man job.

Meet TILLY SACKLER (40’s).
Once a near-beauty,
now a human cosmetics counter.

Dressed like a teenager in leggings
and top a bit too small.
Newport dangling on frosted pink lips.

DOC
The name’s Doc. I’m organizing the job.
(nods at Kelsey)
This here’s Kelsey. My granddaughter.
She’s learning the ropes.
You don’t need to worry about her.

TILLY
(to Freddie)
What the fuck? It’s OUR job --

FREDDIE
Calm down, Tilly.
Doc’s the best in the business.
He’s helping us out.
(nods at the others)
The other guys won’t do it
unless he gives the okay. Got it?

TILLY
But what about the fucking GIRL?

DOC
(stands up)
See ya later, Freddie.

FREDDIE
No, wait, wait.
(to Tilly)
Tilly, you’re gonna fuck this up.
The girl is with him.
Chill out, okay?

TILLY
I don’t like it.
This ain’t kindergarten.

DOC
(to the rest)
Told you it was no good.
C’mon, let’s go.

The others start to get up.

FREDDIE
WAIT. WAIT.
(to Tilly)
Tilly, GODDAMMIT.
they go, there’s NO JOB. Got it?
There’s NO FUCKING JOB.
(off her stare)
You wanna work at a joint
called EAT the rest of your life?
(off her silence)
Well, DO you?

Pause.

TILLY
Sit down.

Doc looks at the others.
They shrug. Nod. Sit back down.

FREDDIE
Okay, okay.
(to Doc)
So what’s the first step?

DOC
I need to scope out the joint.
Figure out what we need.

FREDDIE
Do you have any idea yet
how you’re gonna do it?

DOC
I didn’t say we were gonna do it yet.
Like I said, I gotta check it out.
If it looks bad, we walk. No promises.

FREDDIE
But it’s a good one, Doc.
A real good one.

DOC
We’re professionals, Freddie.
That might not be a concept
you’re familiar with,
but professionals don’t
go off half-cocked.
They plan a job down
to the most minor detail.
That’s the reason
I’ve never been busted. Capiche?

FREDDIE
Yeah, sure, Doc. Sure.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

DOC
Good. We’ll swing by the diner tomorrow.

He pulls a notepad out of his pocket.
Slides it over.

DOC
I’ll need directions.
FREDDIE
(nods, starts writing)
What time?

DOC
It’s best if you don’t know.
I’ll call you afterwards.
If it looks good, we
schedule another meeting.

TILLY
What do you mean IF it looks good?
It’s a piece of cake.

DOC
Knocking over an armored car is
NEVER a piece of cake.
If it WAS, you wouldn’t need US.

TILLY
I don’t think I like your tone.

DOC
Freddie, if you don’t shut
this skank up, I WILL.

TILLY
HEY --

FREDDIE
Tilly. Please.
You’re gonna fuck up the job,
and then we ain’t got nothin.’

TILLY
Alright, alright. Keep your shirt on.
(to Doc)
Have to respect your elders.

DOC
You wouldn’t know respect if it
bit you on the cellulite --

The Big Bounce

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of BABY HEISTER, after listening to the gang plan the armored car job, Kelsey gets 'up close and personal' with wheelman Simon Jones ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Kelsey and Doc lean against
the counter with fresh beers.

DOC
So what do you think?

KELSEY
Are you kidding?
It’s fucking cool.

DOC
I could tell by
the look on your face.
Soaking it all in.
(off her smile)
What part do you see
yourself in the game?
Muscle? Jugger? Driver?

KELSEY
I wanna do what you do.
Plan jobs. Be the boss.

DOC
You take after Chelle.

KELSEY
I thought Griff planned the jobs.

DOC
Oh, he thought he did.
(beat)
Cause Chelle let him.

Kelsey nods thoughtfully.
Sips her beer.

DOC
You sure you still wanna do this?
Once you’re in, there’s no going back.

KELSEY
I’ve never been more sure
of anything in my life.

Doc raises his bottle in a toast.
Kelsey raises hers --

DOC
Home is where the heist is.

And they CLINK.

EXT. DOC’S FARMHOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Kelsey sits out on the porch swing.
Smoking. Slowly rocking back and forth.

Looking at the night sky. Thinking.
Simon comes out. Lights one up. Looks at her.

SIMON
Hey.

KELSEY
Hey.

SIMON
Mind if I join you?

KELSEY
It’s a free country.

He walks over.
Sits next to her.

SIMON
So why do you wanna be a heister?
Good-looking bird like you?
You could have anything you wanted.

KELSEY
You’re a smart guy.
See if you can figure it out.

SIMON
Your parents?

KELSEY
He shoots, he scores.

SIMON
My father drove a lorry.

KELSEY
What’s a lorry?

SIMON
A truck.
Didn’t fancy doing that.

KELSEY
What made you come here?

SIMON
I heard the streets were
paved with beautiful girls --

Chump Change

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey's all ears when she gets a front row seat to Doc and his gang planning their armored car heist ...


INT. DOC’S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The gang sits around the living room
on couches and chairs
drinking bottles of beer.

Except for Jo, having coffee.
Kelsey looks around the room.
Trying to hide her excitement.

DOC
So tell me about the job.

DUSTY
Armored car heist. Palm Springs.

RENO
Real sweet.

SIMON
Fat and juicy.

DOC
Who’s the point person?

DUSTY
You remember Freddie Fingers?

DOC
Unfortunately. But I thought he
retired after that dust-up in Reno.

DUSTY
So did he. But he recently
shacked up with this waitress --

DOC
Don’t tell me. Some roadside diner?

DUSTY
Yeah. The job is her idea.
But it’s a good one. It can work.

DOC
I don’t like it.
(looks at Kelsey)
Freddie’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
And fucking the inside man tends
to cloud your judgment.
(looks at Dusty)
Tell me about the hash-slinger.

DUSTY
What’s there to tell? She’s a waitress.
Tired of serving tuna melts to truckers
for chump change.

DOC
Tell me about the can. What’s the gag?

DUSTY
It comes by once a week, same time exactly.
Always parks in the same place.
Three guards take turns going to the head.
Last one grabs coffees to go. Then they split.

DOC
How long are they there?

DUSTY
Fifteen minutes, give or take.
And they always park in the same spot.
Always. Like fucking clockwork.

DOC
How much dough?

DUSTY
This is the beauty part.
Every Friday, they transfer
cash to all the local branches
from the main bank --

RENO
You know, payday.

DOC
So it’s alot of cabbage.

RENO
Waitress says it’s gotta be
at least a million.

DOC
What time?

DUSTY
Seven-AM.

DOC
Still not sure I like it.
I wanna meet the soup jockey.

DUSTY
We’re one step ahead of you.
Already set it up.

DOC
Okay.
(looks at Kelsey)
You never meet the people
setting up a job WHERE the job is.
You don’t want the locals
to remember seeing you.

KELSEY
Got it.

DOC
(to Dusty)
Escape route or hole up?

DUSTY
Not sure. We’ll defer to your expertise.
Outlying area is kinda open.
The desert interstate kinda narrows your options.

DOC
Gotcha.
(to Kelsey)
There are three ways to finish a job.
First is you grab the loot and
take a pre-arranged escape route that’s cool.
(beat)
Second is you hole up somewhere
until the heat dies down,
then split up the loot
and go your separate ways.

KELSEY
What’s the third?

DOC
Hide the loot, split, then
come back for it later.
Kinda tricky, but it’s good
when there’s not a good escape route
and no place to hole up.

Doc sips his beer. Eyes the men.

DOC
Who’s financing?

DUSTY
I am.

DOC
YOU are.

DUSTY
I need the job, Doc.
Had a bad run in Atlantic City.

DOC
(to Kelsey)
Every job has expenses. Transportation.
Weapons. Food and lodging.
And sometimes you need tech stuff,
explosives, whatnot.
(beat)
Usually you get an outside
financier to put up the dough.
They either get double it back, or a percentage.
That’s the way I like to do it.
That way, nobody has more
at stake than the others.
(looks at Dusty)
But some people aren’t good at
managing their money between jobs.
(to Dusty)
You asking ace shares?

DUSTY
Nah. Even split all around. Four shares.

DOC
You ARE desperate.

KELSEY
Ace shares means more money --

DOC
Yeah.
(to Reno)
What’s your situation?

RENO
I’m cool. Gone through about
half the scratch from my last job.
Don’t like my reserves to get below that --
(shrugs)
It’s a good job, Doc. You’ll see.

DOC
(nods at Simon)
And you two vouch for Jason Statham here?

DUSTY
Yeah. We’ve both worked with him.
Best wheelman I’ve ever seen.

RENO
Precision driver.

DOC
(to Simon)
Where’d you learn to drive so well?

DUSTY
Don’t you follow NASCAR?
Kid’s been in the country six months.
Already won five races.

SIMON
You make me blush.

Doc nods slowly. Sips his beer. Eyes them.

DOC
When do we meet Freddie Fingers
and Truck Stop Sally?

DUSTY
In a couple hours.
Told ‘em to meet us at the Dairy Shack.
We can sit outside. Have some privacy.

PUSH IN ON Kelsey’s face. Excited.

KELSEY
And ice cream --

One Lucky Frill

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey sits down to eat breakfast with Doc's gang of bank robbers to get an insider's view of the 'trade' ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Everyone sits around the table chowing down.
Kelsey keeps sneaking glances at Simon.

Smitten, but hiding it.
Sort of.

DOC
Kelsey here is learning
how to be a heister.

RENO
And YOU’RE teaching her?
(to Kelsey)
He’s the master.
You’re one lucky frill.

KELSEY
What’s a frill?

JO
Dame. Doll.

DOC
Broad. Bim.

RENO
Chippy. Chick.

DUSTY
Frail. Floozy.

SIMON
Twist. Tomato.

Kelsey BURSTS into laughter.

KELSEY
'Tomato?'

SIMON
We have our own patois,
like any other subculture.

DUSTY
(to Doc)
So -- is it okay to
talk about the job --
with her at the table?

DOC
Yep.
In fact, I’d like her
to be in on the job.

DUSTY
I’m not sure that’s such a --

DOC
I know what you’re thinking,
but hear me out.
She’s my kin.
We can trust her.

RENO
That’s true, but --

DOC
Think of it as
on-the-job training.
I’d like her to observe
every aspect of planning the heist --
she just won’t DO the heist.

DUSTY
Highly unusual.

RENO
Well, if she’s not
doing the job,
what could it hurt?

SIMON
He’s got a point.
(winks at Kelsey)
Be kinda fun to teach
a baby heister.

PUSH IN ON Kelsey’s face.
Blushing a deep red.

KELSEY
Baby heister?

There's No Such Thing As A Free Meal

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey finishes her heister training workout in the morning and sits down to a big breakfast, only to discover that Doc has invited some guests to join them ... his bank-robbing crew ...


INT. BARN - DAY - IN MONTAGE
Kelsey does a series of exercises.
Jumping rope. Push ups. Pull ups.
Jumping Jacks. Climbing a rope. Boxing.

Doc holds the punching bag as Kelsey
SLAMS IT with boxing gloves.
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP.

She’s drenched in sweat. Looks fierce.
Like a warrior. Doc BLOWS a whistle.

DOC
That’s enough for now.
Don’t wanna kill you.
(beat)
Yet.

Kelsey nods. Out of breath.
Doc checks his watch.

DOC
Let’s go get some supper.
Get somethin’ in yer belly.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
A big spread has been
laid out on the table.

Burgers. Fried chicken. Pasta salad.
Mashed potatoes. The works.

Eves have been added to the table
so that more people can sit.

Jo is finishing setting
place settings for six people.

Doc and Kelsey walk in,
see the culinary explosion.

DOC
A meal fit for a king.

KELSEY
Why the extra chairs?

DOC
We’re expecting company. Sit. Dig in.

Kelsey sits. Grabs a chicken leg.
Starts chewing. Starving.

KELSEY
What kind of company?

DOC
Surprise.

The doorbell RINGS.
Jo starts for the door.

JO
I’ll get it. Sit.

Doc nods. Takes a chair.
Starts filling his plate.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - FRONT DOOR - DAY
Jo opens the front door.
Revealing three HEISTERS, grinning.

RENO BLACK (30’s) a stocky fireplug
of gruffness nods.

RENO
We’re here for the free meal.

DUSTY VEGA (40’s), dark and slick,
a poor man’s Al Pacino nudges him.
Chewing on a toothpick.

DUSTY
You know Reno.
If food were the food of love,
he’d eat on.

SIMON LEEDS (20’s), tall and thin,
the rockabilly version of Jonathan Rhys-Meyers
shakes his head with mock-embarrassment.

SIMON
Please pardon the lowlife criminal element.
I’m embarrassed to be seen in their company,
but I’m afraid I have bills to pay.

JO
(charmed)
I don’t think we’ve met --

Simon takes her hand. Kisses it.

SIMON
Simon Leeds, at your service --

Just Like In The Movies

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of BABY HEISTER, Doc teaches Kelsey one of the most important skills necessary to rob banks ... how to shoot a gun.


EXT. RANCH - FIELD - DAY
Kelsey and Doc stand about
fifty feet away from a wooden fence.

A row of empty beer bottles
has been placed on top of it.

Kelsey holds a Glock
in her right hand. Takes aim.

DOC
Move your feet.
They should be shoulder-width apart.

KELSEY
Okay --

She makes the adjustment.

DOC
Now put your right foot
out a little bit.
(off her look)
You’re right-handed.

Kelsey nods. Moves it.

DOC
When you take aim, close
your left eye a little bit.

KELSEY
Okay.

DOC
And make sure your arm
is almost completely straight.
(watches her do it)
Now lean forward a little bit.

She does. Doc nods.

DOC
Let ‘er rip.

Kelsey FIRES, BANG. The bullet
goes WHIZZING above the bottle. THWIP.

It FLIES through foliage
behind the fence.

The recoil makes her JUMP.
She rubs her wrist.

KELSEY
Ow.

DOC
Got quite a kick, huh?
Better use a two-handed grip
until you get used to it.

Kelsey puts her left hand
around her right. Grips it tightly.

DOC
That’s right.
like in the movies.
(watches)
Make sure both thumbs
point forward.
(beat)
Yeah. Like that.
And hold it tight.

She takes aim. FIRES. BANG.
The bullet WHIZZES into the air.

KELSEY
Damn.

DOC
Relax. Take a deep breath.
Don’t pull the trigger. Squeeze it.
Think of it like an extension
of your hand.
Squeeze it so slowly that
you’re surprised when it goes off.
(off her nod)
Take your time. Deep breath.

Kelsey takes a deep breath. Exhales.
Aims at a bottle. FIRES. BANG.

It HITS the fence. PING.
Wood FLIES OFF.

KELSEY
SHIT.

DOC
No, you’re doin’ good --
(beat)
Make sure the front sight is
aligned in the notch of the back sight --
so that the top of the front is level
with the top of the back. Got it?
(off her nod)
Now focus on the front sight
and aim at the target.

Kelsey concentrates.
Moves the gun slightly.

DOC
Take a deep breath --
and when you exhale, squeeze.

She takes a bead on a bottle.
Her body relaxes.

Takes a deep breath -- and FIRES. BANG.
The bottle EXPLODES. Glass goes FLYING.

KELSEY
God-DAMMIT.

DOC
How do you feel?

KELSEY
Like coming home.

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
A black SUV is parked on the shoulder.

INT. SUV - DAY
Seated behind the wheel is Ray Stark.
Looking through a pair of binoculars.
He puts them down. Smiles.

RAY
Looks like the little girl can shoot --

The Inside Man

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of BABY HEISTER, Doc starts teaching Kelsey how to be a heister, but first has to whip her into shape physically and sets her out on a grueling workout ...

EXT. RANCH - DIRT ROAD - DAY
The chainsaw-psychobilly
zombie-foot-stomp of Horrorpops’
THELMA AND LOUISE over --

Kelsey. Listening to the song on her I-pod.
RUNNING on the side of the road.

Pumping like a demon in the blistering heat.
Shorts and T-shirt soaked in sweat.
Fierce. Determined.

She passes a row of crops.
A big, old barn. Runs past a pond.

A guy on a tractor, who HONKS.
Hits the front drive. Runs up to Doc.

Standing on the front porch,
holding a stop watch.

She stops. Tries to catch her breath.
He hands her a canteen. Drinks greedily.
Then pours it over her head.

DOC
Not bad. Five minutes.
Pretty soon we’ll get it down to four.

KELSEY
You trying to kill me?

DOC
When the shit comes down,
you gotta be able to MOVE.
Heisting isn’t just fast cars
and big guns, girlie-girl.

KELSEY
Speaking of guns, when do I get to --

DOC
After breakfast. C’mon.
Let’s go chow down.

INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Kelsey and Doc sit at
the rustic, wooden table.

Jo serves them a big meal of
flapjacks, eggs, toast, bacon and sausage.

Then sits and joins them.
Kelsey starts wolfing it down.

DOC
This looks great, Jo.

KELSEY
(mouth full)
Yeah, Jo --

JO
Don’t talk with your mouth full,
Kelsey. It’s not ladylike.

KELSEY
(swallows)
Sorry.

DOC
Okay. First lesson.
Planning the heist.
(off Kelsey’s look)
Planning the job is
the most important part.
If it smells bad, you walk away.
If it looks good, then you
plan it out to the smallest detail.
(beat)
Then you assemble your team -- the string.
You only work with people
you’ve worked with before,
or people your colleagues can vouch for
cause they’ve worked with ‘em.
You NEVER work with someone
nobody knows. Ever.

JO
Except for the inside man, of course.

DOC
I was gettin’ to that.
(to Kelsey)
The inside man is someone who works
at the joint you’re gonna to knock over.
They usually come to you with the job.
Once in a blue moon you approach them,
if you’ve got something on ‘em.
(smiles)
I met Jo when she was
the inside man on a job.

KELSEY
I didn’t know that.
What was the job?

JO
Coin convention.
I was the roper on a long con
involving one of the dealers,
and then realized you could
take the whole shebang.

DOC
She noticed I was casing the joint --

PUSH IN ON Jo’s face.
Eyes dancing with delight.

JO
And the rest is history --

The Big, Bad Wolf

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Holidaze. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of BABY HEISTER, after Kelsey loses her job after killing the owner's son ... who was trying to rob the joint ... Doc reluctantly agrees to teach her how to rob banks. Meanwhile, we discover that mysterious stranger Ray Stark isn't what he appears to be ...


EXT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Crickets CHIRP in the background.
The wind RUSTLES through the trees.
The front yard looks ghostly in the moonlight.

Doc and Kelsey sit on the porch
with bottles of beer.

KELSEY
I keep seeing it happen over
over again in my head.

DOC
It’ll go away after awhile.
It’ll happen less and less,
just go away.
(beat)
Most of the time.

KELSEY
You ever killed someone?

DOC
Once.

KELSEY
What happened?

DOC
Fool kid tried a cross,
thought he could take the entire haul.
Was MUCH more careful about who
I worked with after that.

KELSEY
I didn’t even think.
I saw him, grabbed the gun -- and --

She sighs. Shakes her head.
Reliving it again. Sips her beer.

DOC
You know I care about you like
you were my own daughter, right?

KELSEY
I guess so.

DOC
I can’t believe I’m gonna say this --

KELSEY
What.
(realizes)
You MEAN?

DOC
Still wanna be a heister?

KELSEY
Hell, yeah.

DOC
Then I guess we better
get some shut-eye.
Tomorrow’s gonna be a big day.
Got alot to teach ya.

Kelsey LEAPS UP out of her chair.
Goes to Doc. HUGS him.

KELSEY
Ohmigod, THANK YOU, Doc. I LOVE YOU.
(beat)
OHMIGOD. OHMIGOD.

DOC
Calm down, calm down.
Heisters don’t squeal like little girls.

KELSEY
What made you change your mind?

DOC
Well, you got kicked out of
school the first day.
Fucked up your job the first day.
(beat)
But the way you handled that shotgun tonight?
Guess some things were just meant to be.

EXT. DESERT PALMS MOTEL - NIGHT
One of those old, ramshackle affairs
that were built back when
people still cared about character.

Flashing neon sign reads VACANCY.
COMPLETE COMFORT. POOL. FREE HBO.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A sea of knotty pine and desert motif.
Ray lies in bed fully-dressed
watching an old black and white movie on TV.

Smoking. Sipping a bottle of beer.
The phone RINGS. He answers it.

RAY
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. LOS ANGELES POLICE HEADQUARTERS - OFFICE - NIGHT
The small, dimly-lit office of an overworked,
underpaid robbery/homicide detective.

Piles of paperwork. File folders.
Document boxes on the floor.
Empty pizza box on a chair.

A tall, grey-haired COP leans back
in his chair, talks on the phone.

Meet DARRYL ROOKER (40’s), fit.
In shape. Looks agitated.

Head of the special
‘Hazard Family’ task force.

DARRYL
It’s Rooker. You sniff out anything?

RAY
Not yet. The old man’s real slick.
Doesn’t trust me.

DARRYL
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

RAY
But I’ve gotta way to get close.
His granddaughter is staying with him.
Griff and Chelle’s kid.
(chuckles)
Wants to be heister.

DARRYL
No shit.

RAY
Yeah. Guess the apple doesn’t
fall far from the bank job.

DARRYL
How old?

RAY
Eighteen.

DARRYL
Hot?

RAY
Smokin.’

DARRYL
Careful. Keep your dick in your --

RAY
Don’t worry. I’m not gonna fuck her.
I’m gonna USE her. Get this --
wants to be a heister,
but grandpa doesn’t wanna teach her.
I offered to.

DARRYL
Watch out. You’re playing with fire.

RAY
But I gotta get close --

DARRYL
Yeah. But not TOO close.
They smell a rat, and you’re history.
Doc Hazard is a legend.
Never been busted, and he didn’t
get that way by letting
an undercover dick get too close.

RAY
Don’t worry. I’m being careful.

DARRYL
And stay away from the granddaughter.

RAY
From your lips to God’s ears.

They hang up. Ray takes a sip of beer. Smiles.

RAY
Better watch out, little girl.
The big, bad wolf’s in town.

Breaking Bad

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of BABY HEISTER, Doc and Ray Stark watch Kelsey calmly blow away the meth kid trying to rob the convenience store with a shotgun, leaving them speechless ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Meth Kid.

Sees Doc and Ray.
Starts waving the gun around.

METH KID
Everybody ON THE FLOOR.
This is a ROBBERY.

Doc and Ray raise their hands.

RAY
Okay, okay.
Just don’t hurt anybody --

METH KID
I said DOWN ON THE FLOOR, NOW.
DO IT. DO IT. NOW.

DOC
Easy now --

Doc and Ray start
to get down -- and BANG.

Meth Kid’s head
EXPLODES IN A RED MIST.
Blood and brains SPRAY the ATM.

KELSEY
Stands behind the counter.
Holding the shotgun. Surprised.

Quivering with adrenaline.
Staring at the body. In shock.

KELSEY
(whispers)
Holy shit.

DOC
You okay?

KELSEY
Okay?

RAY
She’s a natural.

DOC
Shut up.

The door JINGLES.
In walks a SHERIFF’S DEPUTY.

(20’s), young, eager,
a buzz-cut local kid.
The polar opposite of Meth.

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
(sees the body)
What the HELL?

DOC
Officer. That man was
trying to rob the store.
(nods at Kelsey)
And Kelsey here stopped him.

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
Well done, little lady.
(bends over, looks at the body)
Well, I’ll be.
That’s Verne’s kid.

KELSEY
The OWNER?

DOC
What the hell?

BUZZ-CUT DEPUTY
Yeah.
Verne reported him
missing a few days ago.
Was on another binge.
(shakes his head)
Breaking Bad again --

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of BABY HEISTER, Doc visits convenience store where Kelsey is now working and is incensed to find interloper Ray Stark chatting her up, but the drama gets interrupted by a young kid hopped up on meth waving a gun around trying to rob the joint ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORY - DAY
The bell JINGLES. In walks Ray.
He sees Kelsey. Big grin.

RAY
Well, what have we got here?

KELSEY
Hey.

RAY
They let you smoke in here?

KELSEY
What does it look like?

He shakes his head.
Goes to the cooler.

Pulls out a twelve-pack of cheap beer.
Grabs some Slim Jims.

Brings them over to the counter.
Kelsey starts ringing them up.

RAY
You like working here?

KELSEY
What do YOU think?

RAY
Guess beggars can’t be choosers.

KELSEY
(looks at the register)
That’ll be twelve-fifty-three.

RAY
(hands her a bill)
Do any more thinking about my offer?

KELSEY
(takes it, counts out his change)
Doc told me to stay away from you.
Says you can’t be trusted.

RAY
You always do everything
Doc tells you?

She stares at him.
Narrows her eyes.

KELSEY
Depends.

RAY
Ever shot a gun?
(off her blank stare)
Wanna learn?

KELSEY
(faint smile)
Hell, yeah --

RAY
What time you get off work?

KELSEY
Midnight.

The bell JINGLES. In walks Doc.

DOC
Thought I’d come by and see how --
(sees Ray)
I thought I told you to
STAY AWAY FROM HER.

RAY
Hey.
I was just getting some beer.
I didn’t know she was --

DOC
Get the fuck out of here.
If I see you sniffin’
around her again,
there’ll be HELL to pay.
You HEAR me?

OUTSIDE IN THE PARKING LOT
A shitty, beat-up puke green
Dodge Dart Swinger
ROARS into the lot.
SCREECHES to a stop.

IN THE CAR
Sits a jittery young
LOCAL KID (17),
all hopped up on meth.

Been up for days.
He pulls out a snifter.

SNORTS a bump. Then another.
Finishes a can of beer. CRUMPLES it.

Pulls out a small, shitty GUN.
Reaches up under his cowboy hat.
Pulls down a stocking over his face.

IN THE STORE
Doc gets in Ray’s face.

RAY
What are you gonna do,
old man? Hit me?

DOC
I tried asking you nicely.

The door BANGS OPEN.
In walks Meth Kid.

Sees Doc and Ray.
Starts waving the gun around.

METH KID
Everybody ON THE FLOOR.
This is a ROBBERY --

The Big Bite

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of BABY HEISTER, Kelsey starts her new job at the local gas station convenience store, but first has to fend off the advances of the owner ... and then the mysterious stranger Ray Stark she met at her parents' funeral ...


EXT. GAS STATION - CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A local filling station
just off the freeway.

Been around forever, and looks it.
But the Stop N’ Gulp
next to it is a fairly new.

A sign reads
TWO FOR ONE BURRITOS.

Doc’s pickup drives in.
Parks in space right in front.

Kelsey gets out. Looks at it
with disgust. Walks in.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Some sappy country-and-western song plays
on an ancient boom box behind the counter.

The usual rows of junk food.
Beer and soda behind glass cases.

Slurpee machine. Tiny, shitty
microwave for heating up shit.
A small fan pushes around the fetid air.

Sitting behind the counter is
VERNE (60’s), the manager.

Good ol’ boy from Louisiana.
Round, pleasant face. Big gut.

Right now he’s reading
a girlie magazine.
Eyes filled with lust.

A bell on the door JINGLES.
Kelsey walks in.

Walks up to the counter.
Leans against it.
Lowers her shades.

KELSEY
I’m here about the job.

Verne looks up. Holy shit.
He stares at her chest.

VERNE
Ever work in a convenience store?

KELSEY
Nope.

VERNE
Ever work a register?

KELSEY
I can learn.
How hard can it be?

VERNE
You’re hired.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Kelsey sits behind the counter.
Verne stands nearby
showing her the ropes.

Beyond excited.
Pointing out stuff.

VERNE
Now over there’s the baseball bat,
an over there’s the shotgun.

KELSEY
A SHOTGUN? Nice.

VERNE
You know how to handle one?

KELSEY
Of course.

VERNE
And remember, you don’t know
the combination to the safe.

KELSEY
You didn’t give it to me.

VERNE
I mean, in case someone
tries to rob you.

Kelsey nods. Blank stare.

VERNE
Well, that’s about it.
I’m gonna go to the bank,
make a deposit.
(meaningfully)
I’ll come back and
check on you later.

KELSEY
Gee. Can’t wait.

VERNE
I was thinkin’ --
when your shift ends,
how bout you and I
gettin’ a bite to eat?

KELSEY
Oh, gosh. I can’t.
I’m busy. Sorry.

VERNE
Another time. See ya later.

He tips his cap.
Walks out the door.

The bell over the door
JINGLES as he leaves.

Kelsey sighs.
Lights up a smoke.

KELSEY
Thank fucking GOD.
(imitates him)
'How bout you and I
gettin’ a bite to eat?'
In your dreams, fat ass.

The bell JINGLES. In walks Ray.
He sees Kelsey. Big grin.

RAY
Well, what have we got here?