Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Sexist Pig Sold Separately


Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of Episode 3 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love's ex Megan Paul's new patrol partner Ilona Ramirez pumps retired cop Basil Keko for details about his famed bust of a notorious serial killer. Meanwhile, Carrie and her ex-husband Bernie, Basil's son, inspect the scene of the kidnapping, with surprising results ...


INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Everybody sits around staring
at the phone drinking coffee.

Meg walks around with a coffee pot.
She comes up to Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Good ol’ Meg.
Remind me again
why I broke up with her?
(beat)
Oh, yeah. That’s right.
My self-esteen wasn’t high enough
to allow someone to love me.

MEG
Can I top yours off?

CARRIE
I’m good. Thanks.

BASIL
Don’t you mean ‘get yours off?’

BERNIE
Dad.

Carrie puts her cup down. Stands.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
I’m gonna go over to Basil’s house
and look for clues.

BERNIE
(gets up)
I’ll come with you.

MEG
Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Didn’t you say they might be
watching the place?

CARRIE
I think enough time’s gone by.
I’m sure they called
from where they’ve got --
where they’re hiding out.
(to Bernie)
C’mon.
(to Meg)
Call me on my cell
if anything happens.

They leave.
Basil and Meg exchange glances.
Meg starts toward the kitchen.

MEG
I’m gonna put the coffee on --
the thing.

She leaves.
Ilona smiles at Basil.

ILONA
I can’t believe I’m in the same room
with the man that caught Brian Houston Ames.

BASIL
How do you know about that?
That was a long time ago.

ILONA
I remember seeing it on the news
when I was a little kid.
I’ve always had a thing
for true crime stories.
Wanted to be a cop my whole life.
(sits hear him)
Was it really true that he
kept their heads in saran wrap
in his freezer?

BASIL
Well, actually he preferred aluminum foil.
Said they were 'more fresh' that way.

ILONA
You mean -- he ATE them?

BASIL
Wasn’t released to the press.
You think Jeffrey Dahmer was a sick fuck?
Bastard was writing a cook book.
(beat)
'To Serve Man.'

EXT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - FRONT YARD - DAY
Carrie and Bernie walk toward the garage.

CARRIE
C’mon, let’s check out the garage.

BERNIE
So -- don’t you miss it a little bit?

CARRIE
Miss what?

BERNIE
You know --

CARRIE
Cock? Just bought a nifty ten-inch
rubber one last week.
'Sexist pig sold separately.'

BERNIE
Do you use, uh -- a strap-on?

CARRIE
I’m not going there, Bernie.
And I’m getting really sick
of you reducing everything to sex.
You wonder why I left you?
Just fucking listen to yourself.
You sound like Beavis and Butthead.
(imitates them)
Heh-heh-heh. She said ‘cock.’

BERNIE
Ooh. Looks like I touched a nerve.

CARRIE
In your dreams.

Carrie leans down,
pulls up the garage door,
to reveal -- it’s empty.

BERNIE
The car’s gone.

CARRIE
CSI’s got nothing on you.
(beat)
Wait a minute.
You realize what this means?

BERNIE
Duh. They took her in her own car.
But why would they do that?
That’s fucking stupid.

CARRIE
Maybe they’re fucking stupid.
Kitty drives a sixty-five Caddy.
Sore-thumb city --
(thinks)
They’re local, live in the nabe.
Maybe kids. They saw your dad
win the lottery on TV and impulsively
just fucking walked over here,
grabbed Kitty and drove the fuck away
in her car.

BERNIE
I’ll call the station
and report the vehicle stolen.
(smiles)
You’ve still got the goods, detective.

CARRIE
I’m still not gonna fuck you --

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