Patriot Act

Hey there, crime kids. Happy New Year's Eve. What better way to end the year than to once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of NOWHERE GIRL, Homeland Security agent April Street chases stripper on the run Cherry Nation out of the airport, where they both jump into cabs and make their getaway. We then meet black ops spook Token Ware, who handcuffed the briefcase to Cherry's wrist moments earlier, who now discusses what to do next with his boss, Palestinian arms dealer Avi Abbas ...


EXT. TAXI STAND - NIGHT
Cherry DASHES over to a gypsy cab.

CHERRY
TAXI!

She GRABS the door,
WHIPS IT OPEN, JUMPS in.

Peeler piles in after her.
SLAMS the door.

INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS
Cherry BARKS at the DRIVER,
a frightened-looking Turk.

CHERRY
Let’s GO, c’mon!

TURKISH CABBIE
Wherefor you wish to go?

CHERRY
I don’t care!
Just get us the fuck OUTTA HERE.

PEELER
Silverlake, please.
(to Cherry)
You’ll be safe at my joint.

CHERRY
‘Joint?’ Read much Mickey Spillane?

EXT. TAXI STAND - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
April RACES up to a cab.
OPENS the driver’s side door.
FLASHES her ID.

APRIL
Homeland Security!
I’m taking your cab!
Outta the car!

The FAT CABBIE looks at her.
Takes a bite of his candy bar.

FAT CABBIE
Fuck you, lady, I’m not --

April GRABS his arm,
starts PULLING him out of his seat.

APRIL
C’mon, move it, you FAT FUCK.

With all her might,
April YANKS him out.

He HITS the pavement.
She JUMPS IN.

Fat lies in the street
like a beached whale.

He FLAILS around,
trying to right himself, get up.

APRIL (CONT'D)
(out the window)
Some patriot YOU are.

And she GUNS IT and ROARS away.

EXT. 405 FREEWAY - NIGHT
A large, black MERCEDES SUV
flies down the carpool lane.

INT. SUV - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
The Tall, Ugly Thug we met earlier
is behind the wheel.

Meet TOKEN WARE, former CIA,
now black ops gun for hire.

He takes a sip of designer coffee.
Flips open his BlackBerry.

TOKEN
Avi? It’s Ware.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. DOWNTOWN LOFT - CONTINUOUS
A secure HQ in a plush loft space.
Several ARMED OPERATIVES mill about.
Scan computer screens. Clean weapons.

Their LEADER looks out
the high rise window
at the city lights
while talking on his Bluetooth.

AVI
You make the drop?

Meet AVI ABBAS (45).
Palestinian ex-pat.

Now international arms dealer.
He lights up a Gitanes.
Checks his Rolex.

TOKEN
Yeah. Broad was acting funny, though.

AVI
What do you mean 'funny?'

TOKEN
Hard to say. Gut feeling.
Like she was in over her head.

A BIG, YOUNG SPOOK comes over to Avi.

BIG, YOUNG SPOOK
Sir, you need to see this.

He PUNCHES a remote.
A sixty-inch PLASMA SCREEN snaps on.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
A SERIOUS TALKING HEAD sits at the news desk.

SERIOUS TALKING HEAD
-- where at Los Angeles International Airport,
a gunfight broke out at a sports bar.
We go now to Charlie Huston,
live at the scene.

EXT. AIRPORT TARMAC - CONTINUOUS
Reporter CHARLIE HUSTON stands in front of
the open bar window.

We can see a CRIME SCENE CREW
is working.

CHARLIE
Thanks, Rolf.
(dramatic pause)
One hour ago a team of military operatives
opened fire on this airport bar,
killing three people and injuring two.
Witnesses say the men were shot
and killed by a young woman
who then left the scene on foot --

AVI
Shut it off.

The spook does.

TOKEN
Pulls his car over
to the side of the road. Stops.

Pulls out a LAPTOP.
Boots it up.

AVI
Paces, worried.

AVI (CONT’D)
You better check on the girl.
Make sure she’s alive.
And delivering the package.

TOKEN
I’m one step ahead of you.
(punches buttons, looks)
She’s going east --
instead of north.

AVI
Find her.
And find out what the fuck is going on.
We’re taking about a million dollars.
She might be trying to sell it
to someone else for a higher price.

TOKEN
Duplicitous bitch.
That’s why she was a bit off.

AVI
Doo-plicitous?
TOKEN
Means two-timing.
Double-crossing.
(beat)
Like your wife.

AVI
We must show respect
for the dead, Mr. Ware.

Token does a ‘take.’
Looks quizzical.

TOKEN
Even when you killed them?

Seventh Inning Stretch

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of NOWHERE GIRL, Homeland Security agent April Street questions stripper Cherry Nation about the thug that handcuffed the briefcase to her wrist, but then gets interrupted by a pair of commandos with Uzis ...


INT. AIRPORT BAR - DUSK
The door FLIES OPEN.
April RACES into the room.

WHIRLS AROUND. Stops.
Holds up her badge.

APRIL
Homeland Security, everybody FREEZE!

People stop talking. Look.
April pulls out a photograph.
Starts showing it around.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Has anyone here seen THIS MAN?
It’s a matter of national security.

April shows it to the bartender.
He shakes his head ‘no.’
She goes to Cherry and Peeler’s table.

CHERRY
Ohmigod.

APRIL
You SAW him?
He was HERE?

Cherry slowly puts
the briefcase on the table.

April stares at it,
at the handcuffs.

Then looks at Cherry more closely.
Their resemblance.

APRIL (CONT’D)
I’m afraid you’re going to
have to come with me, Miss.

CHERRY
But he said he’d hurt my family
if I didn’t --

The wall of windows EXPLODES
in a HAIL OF BULLETS.

Cherry and Peeler JUMP,
hide under a table.

April HITS the floor, ROLLS away.
Slides behind the bar.

Pulls out twin giant
SIG SAUER HANDGUNS
and starts FIRING.

Cherry and Peeler start
crawling toward the entrance.

Two HUGE GOONS in black BOUND IN.
A red DOT appears on the forehead
of the first one.

His head EXPLODES
in a red mist.

APRIL
Smiles. Takes aim at --

THE OTHER GOON
Who FIRES at April.
She DUCKS behind the bar.

CHERRY AND PEELER
Make it to the doorway.
Crawl away.

THE GOON
RACES toward the bar.
SPRAYING his Uzi.
Bottles FLY, SMASH.

BEHIND THE BAR
April crawls to the end.
GRABS a baseball bat.

THE GOON
Stealthily creeps up toward
the end of the bar, where --

APRIL
CRACKS him on the head.
The goon goes down, THWUMP.

APRIL
Sorry, fella --
seventh inning stretch.

She looks around.
Sees that Cherry is gone.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Shit.

And RACES toward the door.

INT. AIRPORT CORRIDOR - AT THAT MOMENT
A drum-and-bass big-beat by
The Crystal Method PUMPS over --

Cherry and Peeler.
TEARING ASS down the moving walkway.
The briefcase BANGING against the railing.

PEELER
Where are we going?!

CHERRY
The fuck OUTTA here!

CAMERA FLIES BACKWARD,
WHIPS AROUND --

So that we see April at the other end.
She SEES THEM.

APRIL
Motherfucker.

And she starts TEARING ASS after them.

CHERRY AND PEELER
Reach the end of the moving sidewalk.
A sign reads BAGGAGE CLAIM.

Cherry GRABS Peeler’s hand.
JERKS HIM toward it.

CHERRY
C’mon!

They CLATTER down the stairs.

APRIL
Reaches the end of the sidewalk.
Looks around.

APRIL
Shit. Think, think, think --

She sees the sign.
RUNS to the top of the stairs,
sees Cherry and Peeler going down,
and TAKES OFF after them.

CHERRY AND PEELER
Hit the bottom.
Cherry BANGS into a porter. OOF.

PORTER
HEY!

CHERRY
Sorry!

She GRABS Peeler’s hand,
and they RACE AWAY.

PORTER
SLOW DOWN, bitch!

APRIL
BANGS into the porter.

PORTER (CONT'D)
OW, hey!

He GRAPPLES her in a bear hug.

APRIL
Let me GO.

The porter SQUEEZES TIGHTER.

PORTER
You gotta SLOW DOWN, lady!

APRIL
I’m a GOVERNMENT AGENT.

PORTER
Bull-shit.

She FLINGS his arms away.
CRACKS him in the jaw. THWUMP.

Notices a crowd of ONLOOKERS.
Shows her ID.

APRIL
Homeland Security.
Keeping America safe.

And TAKES OFF.

A PAIR OF LITTLE BOY TWINS
Stand nearby holding hands
with their mother.

TWIN #1
I wanna be like HER when I grow up.

TWIN #2
But she’s a GIRL --

The Unfriendly Skies

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of NOWHERE GIRL, we meet Homeland Security agent April Street, who's right now racing through the airport on a mission from hell. Meanwhile, in the bar, stripper Cherry Nation reveals to hipster Peeler Mardo the predicament she's in ... and the briefcase handcuffed to her wrist.


INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - DUSK
A long line of weary TRAVELERS wait in line.
An ANGRY-LOOKING GUARD waves a
metallic wand across a FAT MAN’S suit.

The detector SHRIEKS.
Angry’s face lights up.

DOWN THE CORRIDOR
A WOMAN is SPRINTING toward us.

Meet APRIL STREET (20’s).
Eyes burning fire.

Tall and foxy, with legs for days.
Baby’s in black.
But how can she run so fast
in such hight heels?

As she runs, she KNOCKS over shit.
PLOWS into a ELDERLY MAN.

APRIL
(British accent, over her shoulder)
Sorry! Government agent!

She gets closer.
We see she’s a dead ringer
for Cherry Nation. Like sisters.
What’s going on here?

April RACES up to the checkpoint.
Flashes her ID.

APRIL
Homeland Security!
Outta THE WAY!

A open-mouthed guard
takes a look at the badge.
Fancy stuff.

OPEN-MOUTHED GUARD
Sure thing, uh --

APRIL
MOVE IT, Kojak.
This is a NATIONAL EMERGENCY --

And she KNOCKS HIM OVER
and RACES down the corridor.

INT. AIRPORT BAR - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry looks at the Hipster.
Unsure of what to do.

CHERRY
I need your help.

HIPSTER
You in some kind of trouble?

Cherry raises her wrist.
Exposing the handcuffs
and the case.

CHERRY
You might say that.

HIPSTER
Holy shit. Are you a --
(leans over, whispers)
A spy?

CHERRY
(lowers it)
Hell, no. I’m a dancer.
Some asshole just cuffed me
to this briefcase.
Said I needed to
deliver it to someone.
If I didn’t, he’d --
(tears up)
Kill my family.

HIPSTER
Holy shit.

CHERRY
You keep saying that.

Pause.

HIPSTER
I’m -- Peeler.

CHERRY
What?

PEELER
My name. Peeler. Peeler Mardo.

CHERRY
Oh. I’m Cherry.

PEELER
You certainly are.

CHERRY
Look, I need your help,
not your hitting on me, okay?
He threatened MY FAMILY.

PEELER
Okay, okay. I’m sorry.
I’m a guy.
(beat)
So where are you supposed
to deliver it?

The door FLIES OPEN.
April RACES into the room.

WHIRLS AROUND. Stops.
Holds up her badge.

APRIL
Homeland Security, everybody FREEZE!

Homeland Insecurity

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Since I'm about to be considered for an open writing job on HOMELAND, I thought it might be fun to revisit my spy thriller NOWHERE GIRL. This is the one I keep trying to get adapted into a graphic novel. I'm on artist number 4 now. Wish me luck.

In Chapter 1, exotic dancer Cherry Nation is having a cocktail (or two) at the airport bar waiting for her flight to Vegas where she's going to 'feature dance,' but when a mysterious stranger sticks a gun in her back, her plans suddenly change ...


INT. LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - BAR - DUSK
One of those bland watering holes
for travelers who aren’t
picky about ambiance.

Or their cocktails.

A WOMAN (20’s) sits at a table
near the windows,
watching the planes.

Unbelievably hot, with
long, long black hair.
Reckless curves. Sleek. A gazelle.

Meet CHERRY NATION.
Exotic dancer.
Former porn star.

Future entrepreneur.
Single mother of two.

Right now she’s sipping a whiskey sour
and talking on her cell.
Tugs on her miniskirt.

CHERRY
Thanks for watching the kids
for me, Shag. I owe you one.
(listens)
The money is fucking AMAZING.
I’m getting close to having
the amount I need to quit dancing
and open the store.
(listens)
Of course I’m taking my meds.
Mind your own business.
It’s OVER, Shag,
and you have no right to --
(listens)
I’ll call you
when I get to Vegas.

She feels something
in the small of her back.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Don't move.
I have a gun pointed
at the base of your spine.

CHERRY
What the fuck?

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Don't speak.
Just listen.

CHERRY
But --

The gun CLICKS.
Camera PULLS BACK to reveal --

A TALL, UGLY THUG
in shades and a trench coat
seated at the table
behind her back.

He smiles.
Not a pretty sight.

TALL, UGLY THUG
I don’t know what kind of game
you’re playing, girlie,
and I don’t care.
Get off the fucking PHONE.

She clicks it shut.

TALL, UGLY THUG
Good girl.
Now listen carefully.
The briefcase is
next to your chair.

He FLIPS an envelope
on her table.

TALL, UGLY THUG
Take this envelope.
In it, you’ll find an address.
Take the briefcase there.
Got it?

CHERRY
Listen to me,
I think you’ve got the wrong --

TALL, UGLY THUG
If you don't deliver
the package by sunrise,
we’ll kill you.
And your family.
(nudges her with the gun)
GOT it?

She nods.
Frightened to death.

TALL, UGLY THUG
Lower your arm.
Put it near the case.

She does.
We hear a SNAP, CLICK.

TALL, UGLY THUG
Good girl.
Now you’re being smart.
I’m gonna leave now,
and you’re gonna keep
facing the window.
DO NOT MOVE. Understand?

CHERRY
Y-yes.

TALL, UGLY THUG
One last thing.
DO NOT open the briefcase.
If you do, you’ll die.
(beat)
Enjoy your cocktail.

He stands.
And in one fluid movement,
he’s gone.

Cherry vibrates in her chair, shaking.
Blinking back tears.

She raises her hand.
We see she’s
clutching the briefcase.

And that she’s been
handcuffed to it.
She puts it back down.

A good-looking HIPSTER
slides into the chair
next to her.

Studiously messy hair.
Five-hundred dollar torn jeans.

HIPSTER
These airport bars kinda suck,
don’tcha think?

The Recuperative Powers Of Jack Daniels

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love and her porn star squeeze Laura Lang relax in their hot tub to recuperate from the violence of the day ... until Laura makes a shocking announcement ... which sends Carrie in a shocking direction.


EXT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - PATIO - NIGHT
Old flagstones, surrounded by a wooden fence
with wainscotting across the top
with lush plants and a sunken
old-school oak hot tub.

Sultry jazz plays on hidden speakers.
Carrie and Laura lie in the tub,
luxuriating in the hot, bubbling water.

Steam rises off the surface.
Their bare skin glows in the soft moonlight.

Laura drinks from a bottle of vodka.
Carrie’s got a bottle of something brown.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t begin to extole
the virtues of the hot tub.
The pulsating heat,
the bracing smell of chorine,
the urgent rush of swirling waters
against private places --
(beaat)
Not to mention the recouperative
powers of Jack Daniels.

LAURA
This feels so good.
Every bone in my body
is bleedin’ thrashed.
(takes a sip)
Ahh, the nectar of the gods.

CARRIE
(raises her bottle)
To no more perverted German directors
sticking electronic devices
up inside my baby’s cooch.

She takes a swig. Smiles.

LAURA
At least not until tomorrow.

CARRIE
It must be the full moon.
I thought I heard you say
you’re going back there.

LAURA
I have to or else
I won’t get paid, love.

CARRIE
You gotta be kidding.

LAURA
I never kid about money.

CARRIE
Don’t worry about the money.
(beat)
Move in with me.

LAURA
You mean -- shack up?

CARRIE
Just for a little while.
We can try it out.
And you can maybe --
go back to being a hair stylist.
You always say how much
you loved it back in London.

Pause.

LAURA
Until my lover and business partner
fucking O-D’d on me and DIED.
(beat)
How fucking dodgy.
Of all the --
I thought you were --
you’ve slept with
half the girls I work with --
and now you want ME to go straight?
You’re just like all the other civilians.

Laura gets out of the tub.
Naked in the moonlight.
Steam rises off her perfect body.

CARRIE
Wait, DON’T GO. I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean it.
Get back in. Let’s talk.
C’mon, we’re both drunk.
I didn’t mean it.

LAURA
Thanks for the tub.
I feel really good all of a sudden.
Like a weight’s been
lifted off my shoulders.

She DARTS over to the door, goes in.
SLAMS it shut.

CARRIE
Holy shit.

Carrie JUMPS out,
THROWS ON her bathrobe,
RACES to the door --
to discover it’s been locked.
She JIGGLES the knob.

CARRIE
The bitch. She wouldn’t DARE.
(POUNDS on the door)
LAURA. Open UP, let me IN.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Whoah. Let me guess.
Lesbian drama?

Carrie wheels around to face --
A UNIFORMED PRIVATE SECURITY GUARD.

UNIFORMED PRIVATE SECURITY GUARD
Know the feeling. Nasty stuff.
Wife left me a couple a years ago
for her gyno.
(beat)
Nice bathrobe.

CARRIE
She’s my roommate.

UNIFORMED PRIVATE SECURITY GUARD
Yeah. And John Travolta likes eating pussy.

INT. BERNIE’S HOUSE - NIGHT
A small joint similar to Meg’s
in the same kind of neighborhood,
but not well-tended like hers.

INT. BERNIE’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Very masculine. Kinda ratty. But oddly homey.

Bernie sits on a big, sagging couch
watching a ball game on TV,
drinking a bottle of beer.

BERNIE
(at the TV)
FOUL? C’MON, Ref --
The doorbell RINGS.
Bernie looks at his watch.

BERNIE
What the fuck?

It RINGS again.
Bernie sighs. Gets up.

Walks to the front door.
Opens it, revealing -- Carrie.

Messy drunk.
In her bathrobe.
We can tell she’s been crying.

CARRIE
Bernie.
(beat)
I know it’s late --
(hiccups)
I’m sorry.

BERNIE
What’s wrong?
What -- happened?

CARRIE
Laura and I had a big fight,
she locked me out of the house, and --

She COLLAPSES in his arms.
Bawling her eyes out.

Bernie awkwardly holds her.
He looks up at the ceiling.

BERNIE
(mouths silently)
Thank you --

Partner In Crime

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of LEGS, Episode 3, we near the exciting conclusion of our story. In this next-to-last installment, equestrienne cops Meg and Ilona get busy in the bedroom with a variety of playthings. Meanwhile, Basil Keko is having a hard time dealing with his wife Kitty being in a coma after surviving the kidnapping attempt ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Cute. Surprisingly girlie.
Meg and Ilona lay snuggling
under the covers in
Meg’s queen-size canopy bed.

MEG
What are we doing?
You’re my partner.

ILONA
'Partner in crime'
is more like it.

MEG
Hot candle wax --

ILONA
I knew you’d like it.

MEG
Whipped cream --

ILONA
Too make the boo-boo
feel better.

MEG
Handcuffs.

ILONA
I wasn’t sure I’d like that.
Such a cliche, you know?
For a cop --
(beat)
Carrie turn you on to that?

MEG
Yeah.
Got a lot more tricks
where that came from.

ILONA
And here I thought
you were such a good girl.

MEG
(imitates Mae West)
When I’m good,
I’m very good --
but when I’m bad, I’m better.

She BURROWS UNDER the covers.

ILONA
Hey. What are you --
(beat)
Ohmigod. YES. Right there.
Don’t stop.
(beat)
Wait. What are you doing?
In THERE? No, no, no --
that’s an exit only --
(beat)
Oh. Oh. OH.
(beat)
OHMIGOD.

INT. BASIL KEKO’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Basil sits at the kitchen table
in his bathrobe leafing
through a scrap book.

Drinks Jack Daniel’s
from the bottle.

He stops at a page. Sighs.
Takes a long slug.

ANGLE ON:

A PHOTO.
Basil and Kitty having
a picnic with a young BERNIE (13)
on the Forth Of July.

They all hold flags.
A perfect, happy, Hallmark Moment.

BASIL
Takes another hit off the bottle.
Picks up a HANDGUN off the table.

Sticks it in his mouth.
Closes his eyes.

We hold on this a long beat.
He pulls the gun out.

SLAMS it down on the table.
Puts his head in his hands.
Starts quietly crying --

A Big Stiff One

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of LEGS, Episode 3, homicide dick Bernie Keko meets with the head of detectives Larry Lipshitz about catching his mother's kidnappers ... and shooting them ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - LARRY LIPSHITZ’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A tiny, cramped room
filled with boxes of files,
walls lined with plaques,
citations and framed photos.

LARRY
I want your report
on my desk before you leave.

BERNIE
He reached for his gun, chief.

LARRY
That may be,
but you went rogue, Bernie --
AND brought a civilian along.
Why didn’t you call for backup?

BERNIE
They kidnapped my MOTHER,
and said NO COPS.
What was I supposed to do?

LARRY
I get where you’re coming from,
but the commissioner is
asking for an investigation --

BERNIE
Shit.

LARRY
How’s your mother?
Is she okay?

BERNIE
No, she’s not okay.
She’s in a fucking COMA.

LARRY
Shit.

BERNIE
We got there just in time.
Fucking crazy,
retarded trailer trash.
(beat)
Assholes --

LARRY
I thought you said
the little brother
was the retarded one.

BERNIE
He is.
But Darryl was pretty close.
We connected him to a
drug store robbery this afternoon.
Idiot stole insulin,
but didn’t get any needles.

LARRY
Now THAT’S retarded.
(beat)
I know you’re supposed
to say 'slow adult' nowadays.
It’s PC -- but I really like
saying 'retarded.'
'Retard.' You know?

BERNIE
Yeah. Me, too.
I hate that shit.
There’s all these words
you can’t say anymore --
oriental, indian, fag --
how are you supposed to
keep track of ‘em?
And when the FUCK did
'Siamese twins'
become 'conjoined?'
What’s up with THAT?

He closes his eyes.
A tear trickles down his cheek.

LARRY
I’m sorry about your mother, Bernie.
Go home and pour yourself
a big, stiff one.
The report can wait
until tomorrow.

BERNIE
(opens his eyes, gets up)
Thanks, Larry.

LARRY
How’s your dad holding up?

BERNIE
Not good.
He’s still in shock.
Won’t talk about it yet.
Denial is a river
that runs in our family.

LARRY
I’ll do the best
I can for you, Bernie. Go on.
Get the fuck outta here.
Have one for me.

Bernie nods.
Walks out.
Larry watches him go.

LARRY
Imagine that.
No more nagging --

The Wounded Bird

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of LEGS, Episode 3, Carrie, Bernie and Basil hover around Kitty's hospital bed and learn from her doctor that she'll live, but that she's in a coma. Then Carrie races to the porn soundstage to go rescue her girlfriend Laura, who's been electrocuted in 'her most private area' ...


INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
Kitty lies in bed connected
to a shitload of tubes and wires.
A monitor softly BEEPS.

Bernie and Carrie stand next to a
KINDLY-LOOKING INDIAN DOCTOR (30’s).

Basil sits in a chair next to the bed
looking at her, teary-eyed.

BERNIE
How is she?

KINDLY-LOOKING INDIAN DOCTOR
Her vital signs have stabilized,
but I’m afraid she’s in a coma.

CARRIE
Was there any brain damage?

KINDLY-LOOKING INDIAN DOCTOR
We won’t know until she wakes up.

BERNIE
How long will that be?

KINDLY-LOOKING INDIAN DOCTOR
We have no way of knowing.
Could be a day, a month or a year.
Or longer.
But she’s not in any pain,
if that helps.

BASIL
If I talk to her,
can she hear me?

KINDLY-LOOKING INDIAN DOCTOR
There’s no way of knowing.
But it cannot hurt.
(beat)
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I have another patient to attend to.
Good luck to you.

He bows and leaves.

BASIL
Fucking dot-head.
I wanna get a specialist,
get the best fucking
brain doctor there is.
I can afford it.

BERNIE
I did some checking up, pop.
He’s supposed to be one of
the best neurologists
in the country.

CARRIE
Oh, shit -- Laura.
I gotta go.

BERNIE
Go get her.
Thanks for coming.

CARRIE
She’s gonna pull through okay,
Bernie. Don’t worry.

She kisses him on the cheek.
Hurries out.

BASIL
Holy shit.

BERNIE
What?

BASIL
She fucking kissed you.

BERNIE
On the cheek, pop.
We’re still friends.

BASIL
‘Friends,’ my ass.
She wants some of that
Keko man-meat, I tell ya.
I knew she’d come around.
(takes Kitty’s hand in his)
You hear that, Kitty?
Carrie and Bernie
are getting back together.

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - MAKEUP ROOM - DAY
Laura is curled up in a ball on a couch
in the corner wrapped like a wraith
in a white sheet.
Looks pale. Small. Damaged.

Carrie rushes in,
races over to her.

CARRIE
Baby, there you are --
are you okay?
Are you okay?

She wraps her arms
around the wounded bird.

LAURA
I don’t feel so good, Care.
That -- bloody machine.

CARRIE
I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.
C’mon, I’m taking you home.

With surprising strength,
Carrie picks her up, cradles her.

LAURA
You’ll carry me --
across the threshold?

CARRIE
I’ll carry you
to the end of the earth.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Yeah, yeah -- I know.
Corny, sentimental.
Deal with it.
(beat)
Just keep it on the down-low, okay?

Breaking Bad

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of Episode 3 of LEGS, white trash kidnapper Darryl Head tries calling his victim's husband on the phone to try and renegotiate his ransom demands ... just as Carrie Love and Bernie Keko arrive on the scene to take him down ...


INT. MEG’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Meg sits on the couch,
holding the receiver.
Ilona watches.

MEG
I’m sorry, but Mr. Keko is --
in the bathroom right now.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl paces back and forth,
on the phone.

Wendy and Denny watch him
from the couch worriedly.

DARRYL
Who the fuck are YOU?

MEG
Cleaning lady.

She looks at Ilona,
makes a ‘what should I do’ face?
Ilona pantomimes taking a message.

DARRYL
Oh.

MEG
Can I take a message?

DARRYL
No. I’ll call back.
(under his breath)
Fuck.

MEG
Can I tell him who called?

He hangs up.
Looks at Wendy and Denny.

WENDY
What happened?

DARRYL
His cleaning lady.
Said he was in the bathroom.

DENNY
Maybe he’s taking a SHIT.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
Carrie and Bernie stand on the
other side of the street
looking at Darryl’s trailer.

CARRIE
All the blinds are drawn.

BERNIE
Big surprise.

A HOMELESS WOMAN pushing a shopping cart
walks by them.

HOMELESS WOMAN
Good afternoon, officers.

BERNIE
Afternoon, Ma’am.

HOMELESS WOMAN
You here about the meth lab?

CARRIE
Meth lab?

HOMELESS WOMAN
Oh, yes.
Trailer number sixteen.
They’ve been Breaking Bad for years now.
Guess the jig’s up, huh?
Not a bad run, yo.
(big smile)
Gotta boogie.
Don’t wanna be late
for my two-o’clock.

And she wheels the cart away.

BERNIE
We’ll call it in after we get Kitty
and take care of these
white trash motherfuckers.

CARRIE
(nods, points)
Let’s go around the back
and come through that alley.

BERNIE
Let’s do it.

EXT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - DAY
Bernie and Carrie come around the side.
Carefully walk up to the front door.

Look at each other.
Pull out their guns. Nod.

BERNIE
(softly)
On the count of three --
(beat)
One, two -- THREE.

He KICKS the door in.
They RACE INSIDE.

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl leans against the kitchenette
counter holding his cell,
gun tucked in the waistband of his jeans.

Looks at Bernie and Carrie.
Guns aimed at him.

Wendy and Denny sit on the couch.
Terrified.

BERNIE
I’m here to get my MOTHER, motherfucker.

CARRIE
(to Wendy and Denny)
Nobody fucking MOVE.

DARRYL
(reaches for his gun)
Fuck you.

Bernie SHOOTS him. BANG.
His head EXPLODES in a red mist.

He HITS the floor, THWUMP.
Wendy SCREAMS.

DENNY
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO --

He RACES over to Darryl’s body.
Reaches for the gun.

Carrie SHOOTS him in the leg. BANG.
Denny HOWLS. Wendy SCREAMS.

CARRIE
I said DON’T MOVE.

Bernie RUNS toward the bedroom.
Carrie looks at Wendy.
Points her gun at her.

CARRIE
(nods at Darryl)
Boyfriend or brother?

WENDY
(softly)
Boyfriend.

Denny GRABS Darryl’s gun.
Points it at Carrie.

DENNY
He shot my BROTHER.

Carrie SHOOTS him in the arm.
Denny HOWLS again.

The gun CLUNKS to the floor.
Carrie steps over.
KICKS it away.

CARRIE
Are you fucking RETARDED?
I said DON’T MOVE.

Bernie comes RACING in the room
holding Kitty in his arms.

BERNIE
She’s not responding.
Call nine-one-one.

Carrie whips out her cell.
PUNCHES the number.

BERNIE
(looks at Wendy)
You better fucking hope she lives --

The Energizer Pussy

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of LEGS, Episode 3, Carrie gets an 'emergency phone call' from her porn star girlfriend on the set after she's been electrocuted in her cooch. Meanwhile, Basil has a 'bowel emergency,' and races to the bathroom, only to find Meg and Ilona making out, and then simultaneously comes and goes in his pants ...


INT. BERNIE'S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone RINGS.
She fishes it out, listens.

CARRIE
Laura?
Slow down, slow down --
what’s the matter?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. PORN SOUNDSTAGE - MAKEUP ROOM - DAY
Empty, except for Laura on the couch
wrapped in a blanket.

Eyes red from crying.
Cheeks tear-stained with mascara.

LAURA
He said I’d be in control,
but the fucking pervert LIED.
He zapped my fucking cooch
like the Fourth of July on steriods.
I’m still vibrating.
Can you come pick me up?

CARRIE
Goddamn fucking Nazi.
Can you wait just a little bit?
I’m in the middle
of something right now --

LAURA
You want me to WAIT?
For WHAT?

CARRIE
Laura.
I’ll be there, I promise.
But Bernie’s mother was kidnapped,
and he and I are on our way over
to where the bad guys have her.

LAURA
But he’s your EX.
I’m your NOW.

CARRIE
His mother’s a DIABETIC, Laura.
She could DIE.

LAURA
Oh. Wow. Really?

CARRIE
Really.
Just hold tight,
and I’ll be there
as soon as I can, okay?

LAURA
Okay.
Just HURRY.

CARRIE
I will.
Promise.
(clicks her phone shut)
Goddamn fucking Frankenstein.
(off Bernie’s look)
You don’t wanna know.

BERNIE
Never a dull moment
on the Isle of Lesbo -

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil sits on the couch,
staring at the phone.

Then looks at the entrance
to the kitchen.

BASIL
Wonder what they’re doing?

His eyes screw up, in pain.
Holds his stomach. Winces.

BASIL
Oh, shit.
Not again.

He JUMPS up,
RACES out of the room.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY
Basil RUNS to the bathroom door.
YANKS it open, RACES in --

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY
Sees the girls making out,
Meg’s ass on the sink,
Ilona’s hands all over her.

A rod POPS in his crotch.
He CRIES OUT.

A wet stain starts forming.
He SHITS his pants.

The girls hear it.
Turn. Stare.

Then smell it.
Ilona makes a face.

ILONA
Jesus fucking CHRIST.

MEG
Mr. Keko?
Are you okay?

Basil’s jaw drops.
He PLOPS down on the closet toilet.

Puts his head in his hands.
Unbelievably embarrassed.

BASIL
(quietly)
Could you please leave me alone?

MEG
Yeah, sure. Of course.
Do you wanna take a shower?

BASIL
Yeah. Thanks.

MEG
If you want,
I could wash your pants,
give you a robe to wear.

BASIL
That would be -- very nice.

The phone RINGS in the other room.
They all JERK their heads
in that direction.

MEG
It’s HIM.

BASIL
Go ANSWER it --

Look Who's Retarded Now?

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash kidnapper Darryl Head returns to his trailer with the stolen insulin, but when his trashy girlfriend Wendy Hammers sees he forgot to get needles, the joke's on him. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love and her ex, homicide dick Bernie Keko speed toward their double-wide to nab them ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Wendy and Denny sit on the couch watching TV.

DENNY
Judge Judy’s hot.

WENDY
(under her breath)
Retard.

DENNY
I HEARD that --

The door FLIES open.
Darryl comes into the room.
Out of breath.
Holding the bag.

DARRYL
I got it, I got it.

WENDY
Just in time.
Old lady was going into convulsions.

DARRYL
Shit. Really?

Wendy gets up.
Takes the bag from him.

WENDY
Yeah. She stopped,
but now she’s sweating like a pig.
She doesn’t look so good, Darryl.
(looks in the bag)
No syringes?

DARRYL
Syringes?

WENDY
You fucking dumb-ass.
You give insulin in a SHOT.
Didn’t you know that?

DARRYL
You shoulda told me.

DENNY
Jesus Christ, Darryl.
Even I know that.
Look who’s the retard NOW.

WENDY
So what are we gonna do?

DARRYL
Fuck the old bitch.
I’m gonna call Basil
and make arrangements for the drop.
We’ll just get our money
and get the fuck out of town.

WENDY
But he said he couldn’t
get the money until TOMORROW.

PUSH IN ON Darryl’s face.
Angry. Desperate.

DARRYL
Well, then he’s just gonna haveta
figure something out, isn’t he?

INT. BERNIE’S SEDAN - MOVING - DAY
Bernie speeds down the quiet
suburban streets, lost in thought.

Carrie pulls out her flask.
Takes a hit.

They approach an intersection
with a LARGE BLACK FEMALE CROSSING GUARD
escorting a bunch of SCHOOL KIDS
across the street.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Despite the circumstances,
it felt good to be riding with Bernie again.
It felt comfortable, like an old, worn shoe.
Cozy. Familiar.
(beat)
Of course, we still hated each other’s guts.
But I always have to nitpick.

Carrie sees something out the window.
Points.

CARRIE
Slow down, there’s a school crossing.
You’re gonna hit those kids.

Bernie sees them.
HITS the brakes.

BERNIE
I fucking hate kids.
(sees the flask)
Gimme a hit of that.

CARRIE
While you’re driving?

BERNIE
Never stopped you.

CARRIE
Are you on duty?

BERNIE
Gimme the FUCKING FLASK.

Carrie rolls her eyes.
Hands it to him.

He takes a long swallow.
Looks at Crossing Guard
through the windshield.

BERNIE
Why are all crossing guards
fat, black women?
Is that school policy?

CARRIE
(grabs the flask)
Bernie. That’s terrible.
(takes a hit)
Concentrate on your driving.
We’ll get your mother back --
AND get those fuckers.

The kids finish crossing the street.
Bernie hits the gas.

BERNIE
Damn fucking straight we are.
(beat)
Pass it over.

Carrie hands it to him.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
I forgot there was a trailer park
in Santa Monica.

BERNIE
Been there since W-W-Two.
Cheap, affordable housing
for the troops coming home.
Can’t believe it’s still there.
Read in the paper some rat-bastard
wants to tear it down, put in condos.
Evict all the retirees. Asshole.
(takes another hit)
Remember that time we rented
that Air Stream trailer
and drove down to Mexico?

CARRIE
(takes the flask, toasts)
How could I forget?
Peyote under the stars.
Piranhas in the water.
Projectile diarrhea in the commode --

BERNIE
Misty water-colored memories.

Basic Instinct

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of LEGS, Episode 3, it's the mother of all interrogations when private eye Carrie Love and her ex-husband homicide dick Bernie Keko question the thief that stole Bernie's mother's car that she was kidnapped in ...


INT. POLICE STATION - INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
A plain cinder block room with a small table,
two chairs and the obligatory
two-way mirror on the wall.

Seedy-Looking Car Thief sits in
one of the chairs smoking a cigarette.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz,
I wanted to click my heels three times
and chant there’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home --
(beat)
Except after getting shit-canned
from the department for boffing
the chief’s underaged daughter,
I felt more like the Cowardly Lion
at a leather bar in West Hollywood
on ‘Fist night.’

IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE
Bernie and Carrie talk with LARRY LIPSHITZ, (50’s),
chief of detectives, small and round,
and right now, very angry.

LARRY
(to Bernie)
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
There’s no way in hell
I’m gonna let you bring her in
on an interrogation.

BERNIE
Listen to me, Larry.
These dumb-shits kidnapped my MOTHER,
and this fucker stole her CAR,
which was probably parked
where they’ve got her.
They said ‘no cops,’
so Carrie’s helping me
with the case. I NEED her.
You gotta make an exception. J
ust this once, please.
They’ve got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
I’ll be good. Promise.

LARRY
When have I heard THAT before?

BERNIE
It’s just an interrogation, Larry.
And I’ll be there. C’mon.
We don’t have much time.
My mom’s a diabetic --

LARRY
Oh, shit. That’s right, I forgot.
Okay, okay, okay --
(to Carrie)
But none of that Basic Instinct shit, okay?
You flash your cooch like you did last time,
and your OUTTA here.

CARRIE
'Cooch-free zone.' Promise.

Pause.

LARRY
You wearing panties?

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Carrie sits across from Seedy-Looking.
Bernie leans against the wall glaring at him,
arms folded across his chest.

CARRIE
You were picked up driving a stolen car, Leon.
We need to know where it was parked.

LEON
I’m not saying a word until I speak to my lawyer.

CARRIE
We haven’t charged you yet, Leon.
If cooperate with us,
we can cut you a deal.

LEON
What part of ‘I want to talk to my lawyer’
didn’t you get?

Larry RUSHES OVER.
GRABS him by the shirt collar.

YANKS him up out of his chair.
Gets in his face.

BERNIE
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
(low, scary)
Listen to me, you little piece of shit.
That was my MOTHER’S car,
and she was fucking KIDNAPPED in it.
If you tell us where you fucking stole it from,
maybe we can RESCUE her, GOT it?

LEON
Let go of my fucking shirt, you freak.
What do you think this is, Rampart?
I can file CHARGES against you for this shit.

CARRIE
Bernie. Let go of him.
Let me handle this.
Go get a cup of coffee and chill out

Bernie lets go of Leon.
Stares at Carrie.

BERNIE
Back in five.
(to Leon)
Next time I won’t be so NICE.

He storms out. SLAMS the door.

BEHIND THE TWO-WAY MIRROR
Stands Larry and a couple of DETECTIVES.

LARRY
They were such a great team.
He takes it right up to the edge,
and she makes him back off.
Now that’s what I call 'an interrogation.'

IN THE INTERROGATION ROOM
Carrie pulls out a cigarette from the pack.
Lights one up.

Exhales a taunting French curl.
Crosses her legs.

CARRIE
Sorry about my partner.
He's out of his mind
worried about his mother
I’m sure you’d be upset
if someone grabbed your mother.

LEON
My mother’s dead.
And she was cunt.

Carrie takes another hit.
Looks him right in the eye.

Uncrosses her legs.
Opens them wide.
Leon’s eyes bulge.

CARRIE
Tell me where you jacked the wheels
and we’ll drop all the charges.
You walk outta here right now a free man.

Leon stares, in a trance.

LEON
Behind a Gulf Stream double-wide
in that trailer park on Stewart
near the freeway overpass.
Lot twelve.

She slowly crosses her legs
in the other direction.

CARRIE
See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?

BEHIND THE TWO-WAY MIRROR
Larry does a slow burn.

TALL OFFICER
(grins, to Asian Officer)
Sure wish I could freeze-frame THAT
in high-def.

ASIAN OFFICER
Oh, man. I'd slow-mo the SHIT outta that.

LARRY
(low, to himself)
The fucking bitch.
She did it again.

Drugstore Cowboy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of Episode 3 of LEGS, white trash kidnapper Daryll Head robs a pharmacy at gunpoint in order to get insulin for his hostage Kitty Keko, with deadly results. Meanwhile, things aren't looking good for Kitty, as she starts going into a coma ...


INT. RITE AID DRUG STORE - DAY
Giant, with aisle after aisle of goods.
Not very crowded mid-day during the week.

Darryl walks in,
trying to look casual.

AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER
Darryl LEAPS out from behind an aisle,
now wearing a stocking mask.

He YANKS out his gun.
Points it at the PHARMACIST.

DARRYL
Don’t MOVE.
This is a ROBBERY.

The pharmacist (30’s)
a tiny Hispanic woman
with a sourpuss expression
on her face stares at him.
Shakes her head.

TINY FEMALE HISPANIC PHARMACIST
(over her shoulder)
We got another
drugstore cowboy, Morrie.

MORRIE (60’s), tall, skeletal-thin
with a white mustache
and flakes of decaying hair
on his scalp appears.

MORRIE
What the fuck?
Put the fucking gun away.
I’ll give you what you want,
just don’t fucking shoot up
the place, goddammit.

DARRYL
Insulin, as much as you got,
and HURRY.

MORRIE
What?
Are you fucking stupid?
Insulin doesn’t get you high --

BEHIND THE COUNTER
On the floor,
Morrie presses a button
with his foot.

IN THE STORE OFFICE
A SECURITY GUARD (20’s)
a scary-looking piece of white trash
looks at bank of monitors.

A red light starts
FLASHING above one.
White Trash looks at it.

WHITE TRASH SECURITY GUARD
Hot damn.
Someone’s robbing the pharmacy AGAIN.

He grabs the phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

WHITE TRASH SECURITY GUARD
Yeah, hey.
This is security at the Rite Aid
on Wilshire near Centinella.
We’ve gotta ten-sixty-four
in progress.
(listens)
Copy that. Over.

He JUMPS out of his seat.
RACES out the door.

AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER
Darryl waves the gun around,
getting impatient.

DARRYL
I fucking KNOW
it doesn’t make you high.
I got someone who’s SICK, goddammit.
Now stop fucking around
and GIVE it to me,
or I’ll start SHOOTING.

WHITE TRASH SECURITY GUARD (O.C.)
Hey, YOU. SECURITY.
Put the gun down.
The cops are on their way.

Darryl SPINS AROUND,
sees White Trash and
SHOOTS him in the belly, BANG.
He goes down.

Darryl JUMPS up on the counter
and SHOOTS at the ceiling,
BANG, BANG, BANG.

Looks down at the pharmacists,
now shaking in their boots.
We see a dark wet stain
on Morrie’s crotch.

DARRYL
Hey, look.
Old dude’s pissed his pants.
(CLICKS the safety)
Give me the fucking insulin NOW,
or that’s the last pair
of Depends you’ll EVER wear.

EXT. RITE AID PHARMACY - BACK ENTRANCE - DAY
Darryl BANGS out the back door
holding a white paper bag.

We hear SIRENS in the distance --

INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Kitty lies motionless on the bed.
Denny and Wendy stand next to the bed
looking at her.

DENNY
Is she dead?

WENDY
She better not be.
Then we’re fucked.
(reaches into her handbag,
pulls out a compact)
Hold on a sec.

She leans down.
Opens the compact.

Holds the mirror
in front of her nose.
Looks at it.

WENDY
She’s breathing --

Kitty starts going CONVULSIONS.
THRASHING on the bed.

DENNY
Holy SHIT, holy SHIT, holy SHIT.

WENDY
We gotta DO something.
Where the fuck is DARRYL?

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love and her ex-husband homicide cop Bernie Keko get a call from police headquarters with good news ... they've captured the thief who stole Bernie's mother's car that the kidnappers used to abduct her. Now, all they have to do is interrogate him ...

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie drink coffee.
Stare at the phone.

CARRIE (V.O.)
We were trapped in some kind of
Waiting For Godot from hell.
Time seemed to move in slow-motion,
like it was stuck in molassas.
(beat)
Or up a Kardashian’s
big, fat ass.

Bernie’s cell phone RINGS.
He pulls it out of his pocket.

Looks at it. Smiles.
Answers it.

BERNIE
What’s up?
You got good news?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SANTA MONICA POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT DESK - DAY
A GRIZZLED VET COP (50’s)
sits behind the front desk,
talks to Bernie on his phone.

GRIZZLED VET COP
We got the fucker
that stole your mother’s car.

BERNIE
Nice.
(cups the phone,
to the others)
They got the CAR.
(into the phone)
How’d you get
the asshole so fast?

GRIZZLED VET COP
Hey, we protect and serve our own.
Dispatcher sent a
chopper to look for it,
and we got lucky.
Greaseball was parked
in front of
The Ninety-Nine Cent Store
on Pico.

BERNIE
Lo-ser.
(cups phone, to Carrie)
He was at
The Ninety-Nine Cent Store.

CARRIE
Hey.
I love the Ninety-Nine Cent Store.
I shop there all the time.

GRIZZLED VET COP
We have him in a holding cell
awaiting processing.
We thought you might want
to interrogate him yourself.

BERNIE
I’m on my way.
Thanks, Jimmy.
(hangs up, to the group)
They’ve got the little shit
in a holding cell.
(to Carrie)
C’mon, let’s go
interrogate him.
Find out where
the FUCK he got it.

BASIL
Holy shit.
This is GREAT.

CARRIE
They’re not gonna
let me do that.
I’m not a cop anymore,
remember?

BERNIE
Don’t worry about it.
I’ll make it happen.
I need you to do the
‘good cop, bad cop’
thing with me.

CARRIE
Deja vu all over again.
And I’m not talking
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.
(smiles)
Can I be the bad cop?
You never let me
be the bad cop.

BERNIE
Are you kidding?
With that rack?

A Bird In The Bush

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of LEGS, Episode 3, white trash kidnapper Darryl Head prepares to rob a drugstore to get insulin for his kidnapping victim Kitty Keko. Meanwhile, patrol officer Megan Paul gets 'up close and personal' with her new partner Ilona Ramirez ...


EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
Behind Darryl’s double-wide
we see Kitty’s red vintage Caddy,
parked so it’s not seen from the road.

A SEEDY-LOOKING GUY (40s),
tall with a belly, going bald,
with long dark hair around the sides
like a heavy metal Friar Tuck
walks up to the car.

Looks around to make sure the coast is clear.
Pulls a metal strip from his pocket.

Slips it through the top of the window.
Pops the lock. Gets in.

Fiddles with the steering column,
and TAKES OFF.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sticks a cheap-looking gun
in the waistband of his jeans.
Adjusts his shirt to hide the bulge.

WENDY
You’re gonna rob the drugstore?

DARRYL
We gotta give the old bag
some insulin, stupid.

WENDY
Fuck you. I’m not stupid.

DARRYL
I’m sorry, June bug.
I’m all on edge.
This isn’t going like I planned.

DENNY
Maybe that’s because you
didn’t have a PLAN.

DARRYL
Shut up, you fucking retard.

DENNY
Stop saying I’m RETARDED.
I’m SLOW.

DARRYL
It’s the same thing, Denny.
It’s just a word.
Like how they changed fag to gay
and negro to black.
It’s not meant as an insult.
You’re my little brother.
You know I love you.

DENNY
(big smile)
And I love YOU.

DARRYL
(goes to the door, opens it)
You got it, retard. See ya.

He leaves.
The door BANGS shut.

DENNY
Hey, WAIT a minute.

EXT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - FRONT YARD - DAY
Darryl comes outside,
walks around to the back of the trailer.
Discovers the car’s gone.

DARRYL
Who stole the fucking CAR?

He KICKS a rock on the gravel driveway.
Walks over to his bike, pissed off.
Unlocks it. Pedals away.

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Basil talks on the phone.
Everyone watches him. Hopeful.

BASIL
Hello? Hello?
(looks at Bernie)
I only get voice mail,
and when I try to get the main desk,
I get another recording.

CARRIE
I hate that shit.
You can’t get a fucking person
on the line anymore.

BERNIE
There goes that great idea of yours.

BASIL
Shut up.
It was a great idea.
Just my bad luck
he’s not in the office.

CARRIE
So leave him a voice mail.
Don’t spill the beans,
just tell him that it’s urgent.
Maybe he’ll call back.

BASIL
Good idea.
(to Bernie)
Some help you are.

He starts dialing again.
Meg gets up.

Heads toward the kitchen
with her coffee cup.
Ilona follows with hers.

INT. MEG’S KITCHEN - DAY
Meg goes to the Mr. Coffee.
Pours another cup.
Tops off Ilona’s.

They both take a sip.
Study each other.

ILONA
I always thought Carrie
was a hot tamale. Smart, too.
Bet she was great in the sackarooni.

MEG
(blushes)
Sackarooni?

ILONA
Bet you are, too.

They lock eyes.

MEG
There’s -- people in the next room.

ILONA
(shrugs)
Buncha cops.

MEG
But you’re my -- partner.

ILONA
Well, you know what they say --

She leans in.
Softly kisses Meg.

Lingers a moment.
Then pulls back.

Wicked gleam in her eye.
Meg blushes a deep red.

ILONA
That’ll work.

MEG
(a whsiper)
What do they say?

ILONA
(gently places her hands
on Meg’s breasts)
A bird in the bush
is worth two in the hands.

All In A Day's Skirt

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of LEGS, Episode 3, things get more than a little hairy when white trash kidnapper Darryl Head tries to renegotiate his ransom demands, just as kidnapping victim Kitty Keko goes into insulin shock. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love comes up with a brilliant plan to 'head him off at the pass' ...


INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits on his throne, talks on his cell.
Wendy’s texting someone on hers.

Denny plays a hand-held video game
while shoving mini-candy bars in his mouth.

DARRYL
This is your lucky day.
I’ve decided not to be so greedy.
I want ten million dollars
in unmarked bills in a briefcase.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Meg and Ilona sit
around the coffee table, listening.

BASIL
Couldn’t get a fucking truck, huh?
Do you even have driver’s license, sport?

Carrie and Bernie come in the front door.
Hear the phone call.
Quietly sit down and listen.

DARRYL
Fuck you.
Keep dicking around and
your wife’s a goner, capiche?

BASIL
I’ll give you the money tomorrow,
but first I need to talk to her
so I know she’s okay.

DARRYL
Hold on a sec.

Darryl leaves the room.

INT. DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Kitty lies on the bed, one wrist tied,
her other hand holding a giant
mostly-empty bag of mini-candy bars.

Passed out, dead to the world.
Darryl walks in. Sees her.

DARRYL
Oh, shit.

BASIL
What do you mean oh, shit?
What’s WRONG?

DARRYL
She’s uh, passed out or something.

BASIL
What did you GIVE her?

DARRYL
You know, those little candy bars,
like for Halloween.

BASIL
How many did she have?

DARRYL
I dunno.
Looks like a lot.

BASIL
My god, man.
She’s a chocoholic.
Once she starts, she can’t stop.
Now she’s in sugar shock.
She needs insulin, NOW.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
I’m sorry.
We’ll get some.

BASIL
How the fuck
are you gonna do THAT?
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
Let’s meet, just you and me,
and I’ll give you a check --

DARRYL
Yeah, right.
Then you’ll know my NAME --

BASIL
I’ll make it out to cash, stupid.
I’ll post-date it for tomorrow,
and you can go to your bank
and cash it.

DARRYL
NO. No CHECK.
I want CASH.

BASIL
Then why don’t we meet somewhere,
and I’ll give you some insulin.

DARRYL
Stop PRESSURING me.
I gotta think.
I’ll call you back.

He hangs up the phone

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil SLAMS down the phone.

BASIL
God-DAMMIT.

BERNIE
Shit. What do we do now?

Carrie gets up.
Lights a smoke.
Starts pacing the room.

CARRIE
Guy’s got serious issues.
Obviously a borderline personality.
(thinks)
Bernie and I found out
they took Kitty in HER car,
which means they
don’t have their own --

BERNIE
(to Basil)
I put out an APB.
A sixty-five Cadillac
should be pretty easy to spot.

CARRIE
Wait a minute.
(to Basil)
Do you have a contact
at the lottery office?

BASIL
Sure. The guy you saw on TV
who gave me the giant fake check.
Nice guy, but his
breath smelled like shit.

CARRIE
Call him and tell him
Kitty’s been kidnapped
and you need at least
part of the money today.
(looks at her watch)
They might be able to wire it
to your bank right now.
It would take a couple of hours,
but we’ve got time.

BERNIE
Why the fuck would they do THAT?

CARRIE
Can you imagine the publicity?
Lottery saves kidnap victim.
The press’ll jump on it
faster than you can say
‘Kim Kardashian bleaches her sphincter.’

BASIL
That’s fucking BRILLIANT.
(looks at Bernie)
And you let this get one away.
Shame on you.
(to Carrie)
You really are something,
you know that?

CARRIE
All in a day’s skirt --

Sexist Pig Sold Separately

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of Episode 3 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love's ex Megan Paul's new patrol partner Ilona Ramirez pumps retired cop Basil Keko for details about his famed bust of a notorious serial killer. Meanwhile, Carrie and her ex-husband Bernie, Basil's son, inspect the scene of the kidnapping, with surprising results ...


INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Everybody sits around staring
at the phone drinking coffee.

Meg walks around with a coffee pot.
She comes up to Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Good ol’ Meg.
Remind me again
why I broke up with her?
(beat)
Oh, yeah. That’s right.
My self-esteen wasn’t high enough
to allow someone to love me.

MEG
Can I top yours off?

CARRIE
I’m good. Thanks.

BASIL
Don’t you mean ‘get yours off?’

BERNIE
Dad.

Carrie puts her cup down. Stands.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
I’m gonna go over to Basil’s house
and look for clues.

BERNIE
(gets up)
I’ll come with you.

MEG
Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Didn’t you say they might be
watching the place?

CARRIE
I think enough time’s gone by.
I’m sure they called
from where they’ve got --
where they’re hiding out.
(to Bernie)
C’mon.
(to Meg)
Call me on my cell
if anything happens.

They leave.
Basil and Meg exchange glances.
Meg starts toward the kitchen.

MEG
I’m gonna put the coffee on --
the thing.

She leaves.
Ilona smiles at Basil.

ILONA
I can’t believe I’m in the same room
with the man that caught Brian Houston Ames.

BASIL
How do you know about that?
That was a long time ago.

ILONA
I remember seeing it on the news
when I was a little kid.
I’ve always had a thing
for true crime stories.
Wanted to be a cop my whole life.
(sits hear him)
Was it really true that he
kept their heads in saran wrap
in his freezer?

BASIL
Well, actually he preferred aluminum foil.
Said they were 'more fresh' that way.

ILONA
You mean -- he ATE them?

BASIL
Wasn’t released to the press.
You think Jeffrey Dahmer was a sick fuck?
Bastard was writing a cook book.
(beat)
'To Serve Man.'

EXT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - FRONT YARD - DAY
Carrie and Bernie walk toward the garage.

CARRIE
C’mon, let’s check out the garage.

BERNIE
So -- don’t you miss it a little bit?

CARRIE
Miss what?

BERNIE
You know --

CARRIE
Cock? Just bought a nifty ten-inch
rubber one last week.
'Sexist pig sold separately.'

BERNIE
Do you use, uh -- a strap-on?

CARRIE
I’m not going there, Bernie.
And I’m getting really sick
of you reducing everything to sex.
You wonder why I left you?
Just fucking listen to yourself.
You sound like Beavis and Butthead.
(imitates them)
Heh-heh-heh. She said ‘cock.’

BERNIE
Ooh. Looks like I touched a nerve.

CARRIE
In your dreams.

Carrie leans down,
pulls up the garage door,
to reveal -- it’s empty.

BERNIE
The car’s gone.

CARRIE
CSI’s got nothing on you.
(beat)
Wait a minute.
You realize what this means?

BERNIE
Duh. They took her in her own car.
But why would they do that?
That’s fucking stupid.

CARRIE
Maybe they’re fucking stupid.
Kitty drives a sixty-five Caddy.
Sore-thumb city --
(thinks)
They’re local, live in the nabe.
Maybe kids. They saw your dad
win the lottery on TV and impulsively
just fucking walked over here,
grabbed Kitty and drove the fuck away
in her car.

BERNIE
I’ll call the station
and report the vehicle stolen.
(smiles)
You’ve still got the goods, detective.

CARRIE
I’m still not gonna fuck you --

Suffering For Your Art

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Apologies for being MIA at the end of last week, but I had jury duty. Big case. Some Mexican who can't speak English got pulled over and was arrested for driving with a suspended license. Open and fucking shut. Our great legal system scores again. Where's John Grisham when you need him?

In Chapter 11 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love's girlfriend, porn star Laura Lang gets electrocuted in her cooch on the set. Meanwhile, white trash kidnappers Darryl, Wendy and Denny decide to change their ransom demands and ask for less money, as none of them has a bank account, and they can't figure out where to put two-hundred-fifty million in cash ...


INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
Cheesy Eurodisco over --

Laura on the chrome gurney.
She inserts a small, silver tube
connected to wires inside her. Gasps.

LAURA
Damn, that’s COLD.
(to someone off-camera)
Sorry.

KLAUS (O.C.)
It’s okay.
We’ll take it out in post.
Carry on.

She nods.
Takes the control box off
the shelf next to her.

Puts it in her lap.
Slowly starts turning one of the knobs.

The box starts HUMMING.
She closes her eyes.

LAURA
Three million more miles to Jupiter,
all alone on this godforsaken starship.
Thank god I’ve got my little friend
to keep me company.

KLAUS (O.C.)
Turn it up HIGHER.
We can’t HEAR it.

LAURA
Hold on.
I’m still getting used to it.

BEHIND THE CAMERA
Klaus reaches over.

Grabs an identical control box
with a wire coming out of it.
Starts turning a knob.

KLAUS
(low, to himself)
This’ll teach you to
disobey your DIRECTOR --

ANGLE ON
The wire.
Running across the floor
to Laura’s gurney.

ON THE SET
Laura starts moaning softly.
The HUMMING starts getting
LOUDER, FASTER.

LAURA
OW, FUCK --

She YANKS the tube out.
THROWS the box across the room.

LEAPS UP off the gurney.
Klaus RACES into frame.

KLAUS
What the FUCK?

LAURA
You fucking ELECTROCUTED me,
you fucking PERVERT.

She RACES out of the room.
SLAMS the door.

KLAUS
(calls out after her)
Haven’t you heard the phrase
‘suffering for your art?’
(to himself)
We can use that in the gag reel.
God, I’m brilliant.

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl looks at Wendy.
Royally pissed off.

DARRYL
They said we’re
gonna need a truck.

WENDY
What for?

DARRYL
To carry all the money.

WENDY
We could rent a U-Haul.

DARRYL
Yeah, but then where do we PUT it?
I don’t have a bank account.

WENDY
So we hide it in the cupboards,
under the bed --

DARRYL
Don’t you understand?
He said that much money
was the size of
two and a half refrigerators.

WENDY
Oh.
(beat)
Wow.

Denny walks in the room,
high as Andy Dick’s kite,
eating peanut butter
out of the jar with a spoon.

DENNY
Then don’t ask for so much.
You couldn’t spend it all anyways.

DARRYL
You, my little brother,
are a retarded GENIUS.

DENNY
I told you not to call me
RETARDED.

DARRYL
Chill out.
I also called you a genius.
(to Wendy)
We’ll ask for ten million.
That’ll fit in a briefcase.

WENDY
How do you know that?

DARRYL
I saw it on Burn Notice.
(smiles)
Denny and I watch
all those shows on USA.
'Characters welcome.'

DENNY
Burn Notice is my favorite.
(scoops some, offers it)
Want some?

DARRYL
(takes it, grins)
'Choosy stoners choose Jiff.'

And eats it --