Like White On Rice

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of DICK & HONEY, would-be comedy team Dick & Honey visit Alabama Brown Bail Bonds, and convince Alabama to hire them as bounty hunters, much to their delight. But there's a catch: now they've got to catch a dangerous criminal ...


INT. ALABAMA BROWN BAIL BONDS - DAY
A small, cluttered office.
Paperwork everywhere.
Poster of Obama.

Alabama Brown sits in
her wheelchair behind a desk,
talking on the phone.

Dick and Honey walk in.

ALABAMA
Now let me get this straight.
My top bounty hunter got
his black ass ARRESTED,
and now you want ME
to bail you out?
(listens)
What were the charges?
(listens)
You beat your WIFE?
Fuck you, Darnell.
You’re on your OWN.
(listens)
I don’t have time for your bullshit.
Now I gotta find someone else
to bring in Forsythe
before he flees the country.
Good-BYE.
(hangs up, sees them)
What do YOU want?

HONEY
We’re looking for work
as bounty hunters.

DICK
And from the sound of that phone call,
it looks like you have an opening.

ALABAMA
(narrows her eyes)
You have any experience?

HONEY
Ever heard of Dog the Bounty Hunter?

ALABAMA
You worked with him?

HONEY
God, no.
But I’ve seen every episode.

DICK
She’s just kidding.
We’re from New York,
where we brought in
serial killer John Wesley Harding,
mobster Tony ‘The Peel’ Bananas
and child porn king Richard Hershey.
So whaddaya say we get to work?
Sounds like you need to
get this Forsythe character, pronto.

ALABAMA
(hands him a folder)
My back’s up against the wall.
I’ll give you a try.
Here’s Forsythe’s bail piece.
It’s got a copy of the bond,
your power of attorney,
copies of his bills, phone records,
you know the drill.

DICK
Of course.

ALABAMA
He was released on a
million-dollar bond,
we paid a hundred-k.
Your commission is the
standard ten-percent.

HONEY
What did he do?

ALABAMA
Ponzi scheme.
Not as big as Madoff’s,
but a billion dollars
ain’t nothing to sneeze at.

DICK
Except if you’ve got allergies.

ALABAMA
What are you, some kinda comedian?
You better get your asses in gear.
He’s probably trying to
leave the country as we speak.
The trial starts in three days,
and the clock is tickin.’

HONEY
We’re on it like white on --

DICK
(GRABS her hand)
Honey --
(to Alabama)
Thanks a lot, Ms. Brown,
you won’t be sorry.

He drags her out the door.
Alabama watches them go.

ALABAMA
Why do I have suddenly this feeling
I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

EXT. ALABAMA BROWN BAIL BONDS - DAY
Dick and Honey walk to the car, ecstatic.

DICK
We did it.
We fucking DID it.
AND she called me a ‘comedian.’

HONEY
How did you think of all those names?

DICK
Don’t you remember I took those
improv classes at The Groundlings?

HONEY
Yeah. You flunked.
They had to drag you from the building
kicking and screaming.

DICK
Go ahead.
Rain on my parade --