Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Hollywood Heads
Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday, AKA 'Hump Day.' (Would you like one hump, or two?) It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 30 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and super-spy Felina Bella Donna awaken from being drugged ... and find themselves captive in demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer's underground dungeon ... and are confronted with the ultimate horror.
INT. BASEMENT - PRODUCTION STUDIO - NIGHT
The dull THUMP-THUMP-THUMP of club music from above
infects the dimly lit, hellish, claustrophobic catacomb.
Carrie and Felina are strapped tightly to twin gurneys.
Between them, a tray of nasty-looking operating instruments.
Heavily sedated, they look dead.
Catsuits zipped open to the waist.
Revealing bright red incision marks on their necks.
In Hollywood they call this scene 'the ordeal.'
The hero seems to die, but then comes back to life,
reborn, changed, transformed.
Like that scene in STAR WARS?
When they're trapped in that trash compactor
and that big tentacle thing grabs Luke
and drags him under the water?
And you see the air bubbles slowly stop?
Shit, I thought I was gonna pee my pants.
I mean, hell, you paid ten bucks to go on this ride.
Who needs an ironic voice-over to spoil the fun.
But I gotta warn you,
this would NOT be a good time to get popcorn.
opens her eyes.
A prescription bottle on the tray with the top open.
Purses her lips -- and spits.
Her missile lands in the vial with a CRACK.
ACROSS THE ROOM
at the light board,
Klaus pushes up a pair of faders, and --
A small version of The Hollywood Squares set lights up.
The cubbyholes are dark, glass jars faintly visible inside.
The evil auteur gets the pill bottle.
Crunches down a few.
Sorry to disrupt your beauty sleep --
(SLAPS Carrie in the face)
But it's time for tonight’s show!
Carrie stirs, barely opens her eyes,
groggy. Under water.
Okay, Laura -- I'm getting up,
I'm getting up --
turns to Felina.
SMACKS her in the face.
Wake up, turncoat --
time to RISE AND SHINE.
Ow, hey -- that HURT.
Carrie looks around,
sees the vicious instruments, the set --
and THRASHES against the restraints,
a caged animal.
You sick fuck!
You fucking freak show!
How DARE you! What THE FUCK
did I ever do to you?! Huh?!
You murdered the love of my life!
I'm gonna fucking kill you,
you hear me, asshole?
Klaus shakes his head sadly,
reaches for a syringe.
A little ride on the horsie
should calm you down.
He unwraps the package.
A six-inch needle. He SQUIRTS it.
Calm me DOWN? Calm me DOWN?
The only thing that's going to
CALM ME DOWN is when I
fucking CUT OFF your --
And JAMS it into her thigh.
The drug hits her like a lead balloon.
Klaus laughs, which makes his head ache.
He takes more pills.
Hot -- so hot --
If you’re smart, Speer,
you’ll let us go.
Pretty soon this place is gonna be
swarming with Federal agents.
If you're a good boy you might avoid
and maybe I'll let you live.
(races to the camera)
You know how to play 'tic tac toe?'
I love -- game shows --
The Hollywood Squares cubicles
light up, revealing --
LAURA in the center square,
surrounded by CHICK, MONICA LYNN,
SHARON SAMMS, MEGAN, ISABELLE,
CINDY, JORELL and MICHAEL.
The women gasp at the unspeakable horror.
Carrie almost gets sick.
Gulps it back down.
Felina’s eyes well up.
I know how you feel.
I was a little overwhelmed myself
when I first played 'the Squares.'
Roseanne Barr scared the shit out of me.
And her head was so much BIGGER in person --