Baby's In Black

Get ready for an explosive blast of estrogen firepower in the form of sultry, deadly government agent April Street, hot the trail of terrorists, black op agents, assassins ... just another day for NOWHERE GIRL.

Screened a real clunker last night. My god. Holy fucking shit. FREEDOMLAND, with Sam Jackson and Julianne Moore. (Sorry, Julianne, we're Facebrook friends and all, but all you seem to do on there is play 'Mafia Wars. Maybe you should spend more time reading scripts.) A VERY depressing story about a woman who kills her child, lies about it, and says a black guy carjacked her. Politically correct racial outrage ensues. Shut it off after 90 minutes in -- I really gave it a chance -- but it was Friday night, and slitting my wrists is no longer an option. FUGGEDABOUTID. Ug.

Onto today's rip-roaring episode of NOWHERE GIRL -- where we next meet Homeland Security agent April Street, who not only makes that agency suddenly cool, she'll get you incredibly hot ...


INT. AIRPORT SECURITY CHECKPOINT - AT THAT MOMENT
A long line of weary TRAVELLERS wait in line.
An ANGRY-LOOKING GUARD waves a metallic wand
across a FAT MAN’S suit. The detector SHRIEKS.
Angry’s face lights up.

DOWN THE CORRIDOR
A WOMAN is SPRINTING toward us.

Meet APRIL STREET (20’s). Eyes burning fire.
Tall and foxy, with legs for days. Baby’s in black.
But how can she run so fast in stiletto heels?

As she runs, she KNOCKS over shit.
PLOWS into a ELDERLY MAN.

APRIL
(British accent, over her shoulder)
Sorry! Government agent!

She gets closer.
We see she’s a dead ringer for Cherry Nation.
Like sisters. What’s going on here?

April RACES up to the checkpoint.
Flashes her ID.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Homeland Security!
Outta THE WAY!

An open-mouthed guard takes a look at the badge.
Fancy stuff. Holograms and shit.

OPEN-MOUTHED GUARD
Sure thing, uh --

APRIL
MOVE IT, Kojak.
This is a NATIONAL EMERGENCY --

She KNOCKS HIM OVER
and RACES down the corridor.

INT. AIRPORT BAR - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry looks at the Hipster.
Unsure of what to do.

CHERRY
I need your help.

HIPSTER
You in some kind of trouble?

Cherry raises her wrist.
Exposing the handcuff, and the case.

CHERRY
You might say that.

HIPSTER
Holy shit. Are you a --
(leans over, whispers)
A spy?

CHERRY
(lowers it)
Hell, no. I’m a dancer.
Some asshole just cuffed me to this -- briefcase.
Said I needed to deliver it to someone.
If I didn’t, he’d --
(tears up)
Kill my family.

HIPSTER
Holy shit.

CHERRY
You keep saying that.

Pause.

HIPSTER
I’m -- Peeler.

CHERRY
What?

PEELER
My name.
Peeler. Peeler Mardo.

CHERRY
Oh. I’m Cherry.

PEELER
You certainly are.

Pause.

CHERRY
Look, I need your help,
not your hitting on me, okay?
He threatened MY FAMILY.

PEELER
Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I’m a guy.
(beat)
So where are you supposed to deliver it?

The door FLIES OPEN.
April RACES into the room.
WHIRLS AROUND. Stops.
WHIPS OUT her badge.

APRIL
Homeland Security, everybody FREEZE!
Anybody moves, and I'm gonna Gitmo your ASS.