Tricks Are For Chicks

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty scares the shit out of a suit who tries to hit on her at a sleazy nightclub. Meanwhile, demented snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer prepares to shoot a most unusual porno starring homicide detective Carrie Love's squeeze Laura Lang ...


EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
An ugly, gutteral-twisting techno groove --
Curve’s violent, feminine WISH YOU DEAD.

Pain.
Hollywood’s glittering
club-of-the-moment.

Celeb-filled.
Self-conscious.
Fabulous.

A cluster of TRENDIES
lay in wait
behind the velvet rope.

INT. PAIN - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle sits on a bar stool,
sips a chilled Twisted Nipple.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Okay, here’s the thing.
I’m gonna spell
it out for ya.
No subtext here,
just the straight poop.
Ready on the poop deck!

A DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
slides onto the next stool.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Hi, there.

SPARKLE
What’s the hub-bub, bub?

The MBA stares, confused --
then recovers.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
40’s noir.
Love it.
You must be a writer.

SPARKLE
As if. What-ever.
Gag me. Your bad.
We must not do lunch.
Have your people
tell my people
to shove it up your ass.
Buh-bye. Bigger, better offer.
(sips drink, off his look)
'Tex' Avery, 1950’s.
Cartoons, big fella.
Big fucking Bugs Bunny --
whassup, doc.
Silly rabbit,
tricks are for chicks.

Pause.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Uh -- right.
(pulls out prescription bottle,
hands it to her)
Here.
Take a couple of these.
They’ll level you out.

He leaves,
muttering to himself.

SPARKLE
(sings)
Your love is
giving me bad medicine --

She sips her cocktail.
Lights a Dunhill.
Laughs to herself.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
'Kay.
Gonna smash all your
precious little myths.
Yes, my dad was a closet case
that drowned himself
in Iron City beer
and Broadway musicals --
and yes, my dear, sweet mama
finger-fucked her
precious little
beauty pageant prisoner.
(beat)
But that’s not
why I’m doing this --
no way, Jose.
This chick’s not into it
for some kind of
emotionally scarred
payback kinda thing.
This ain’t no party,
this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around.
It’s just -- fun.
It’s a high.
Better than coming.
(beat)
C’mon, admit it.
You’ve got someone in your life
you’d like to do bodily harm to,
maybe even kill.
Your neighbor, someone at work.
Maybe, if you’re
really blessed, an ex-lover?
Or, if you’ve been chosen,
found your calling --
a relative.
(beat)
Yeah, that’s a good one.
Blow em up.
Imagine how great it feels
to totally obliterate
the demented creators
of your misery and pain.
It’s like having a big bowl
of instant karma,
served with mother’s milk --
and Daddy’s banana.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set.

This is a porno with a budget.
Production value. A CREW.

Laura is on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic and vinyl.

Bored look covering her dread.
Her creeping panic.

KLAUS
Take number 4 and 5
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
Brighter? More brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.
(mutters to himself)
Non-union idiot.

LAURA
What are you,
taking a fucking light reading?

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to a tech)
Let’s try the music.
Check the levels.

TECH (O.S.)
Scary gothic Nazi tunes
coming right up.

The soaring, over-the-top
stormtrooper-in-love sound of
Ultravox’s LOVE’S GREAT ADVENTURE
blasts at full-volume.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my fucken T-shirt.
(to a PA)
The dry ice!
Start the dry ice!

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.

Klaus hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps --
this one for the watts --
this, for the frequency modulation --

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now,
my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never
scaled the heights that
the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks!
(beat)
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes! She’s angry!
That hurts!
But it feels so good!
Ach de lieber -- mein chubby!
(throws up his arms)
Speed! Roll video! Magic time!