Learning The Ropes

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, wannabe director Bruce Ball shows up at his gig on an adult film shoot, where we meet porn actress Laura Lang, who's getting her makeup done while leafing through a fetish magazine. Meanwhile, homicide detective Carrie Love gets into an argument with her partner/ex-husband Bernie Keko about her being reassigned to his case ... and go undercover on the porn shoot ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - DAY
A glossy monstrosity flying out
over a cliff on stilts.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bizarrely chipper German synth-pop percolates over --

A porn shoot in full swing.
GRIPS, CREW, ‘TALENT.’

A pair of pneumatic BLONDES
do hot things with an ice sculpture.

The director is KLAUS SPEER (50s),
an Icabod Crane of a decayed
Jeremy Irons on Prozac.

He stares at Bruce Ball,
working as the DP quizzically.
Lights up a red Sherman’s.

BRUCE
(offers his camcorder)
I said, wanna take a peek?

KLAUS
Like I wanna see ze close up
of Cherry’s butt-hole.

CHERRY
(stops the action, turns)
I heard that.

INT. UPSTAIRS - MASTER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LAURA LANG (25), blonde, impossibly Brit-beautiful.
Indigo eyes burn with mischief.
Cruel lips sneer with promises.

Right now she’s reading SKIN TWO,
a glossy fetish magazine
while her face is painted.

LAURA
Cherry Sunday is a filthy cunt.
(sees a picture)
C’or, look at that.
That’d be so fuckin’ hot on me.

Makeup artist ZETTE DUQUESNE (28),
a French, raven-haired martini
poured into a leather goblet,
looks, smiles grimly.

ZETTE
How in ze hell you suppose to go pee-pee?

LAURA
Darling. That’s the whole point.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - SQUAD ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s being grilled by
homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s),
Armenian, good-looking on a budget,
an angry Russell Crowe-type.

With a sense of humor.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my soon-to-be ex-husband Bernie.
A decent guy -- when he’s not
being a stubborn, jealous mass
of insecure testosterone.

CLOSE ON --
Bernie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t really blame him, though.
Imagine how you would feel
if you found outyour woman was leaving you --
for another woman.
(beat)
Bad example.
Half of you probably just got aroused.

KEKO
You’re drinking on duty again, Legs.
You smell like you went down on Jim Beam.
And that’s the third vehicle
you’ve trashed this month.
You’ve used up all
your second chances, babe.
Lipshitz is gonna can
that tight little ass of yours.

CARRIE
Hey, it’s not gonna be believable
if my breath smells like fucking Aquafresh.
It’s called 'undercover,' hello?
I can’t sit there sucking
on a wheat grass smoothie, for chrissakes.
And as for the car, I was chasing a perp.
Can I help it if Venice Beach
is so treacherous?
In case you didn’t notice --
I got the collar!

Police chief LARRY LIPSHITZ (50s) strolls in.
Weary. Seen it all. Small and round.

LIPSHITZ
You two.
I could hear you all the way
down the hall in the can.
(beat)
Only place I can get
any peace around here.

KEKO
She started it.

CARRIE
Don’t look at me, chief --
I’m just kneeling at the altar
of Sipowitz here.

LIPSHITZ
Bernie, you gotta grieving widow
waiting for you upstairs.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs --
you’re off the homeless thing.

CARRIE
What? You can’t --

KEKO
(grins, starts toward the door)
I told you --

CARRIE
But I almost have that fucker.

LIPSHITZ
I’m putting you on the
copycat movie killer thing.

KEKO
(stops, whirls around)
Hey, that’s my case.

CARRIE
Yeah, that’s his case.

LIPSHITZ
Correction, it’s both your case’s now.
We’ve got three more bodies
sprayed like chunks in sauce
on a porn soundstage in the valley.
The press is having a fucking field day --
and the commissioner is so far up my ass,
my prostrate is deciding on a bridal registry.
We need someone on the inside.
(off Carrie’s look)
Pun intended.

CARRIE
On the inside where?
A porn shoot?

LIPSHITZ
Yeah.
Ilona found a guy on the ‘net
that shoots amateur videos --
and what look like fake snuff films.
Remember Bruce Ball?
The guy you were after last year
on that S&M reality show thing?
We think he might be the perp.
(beat)
And Duquesne says he just
started principal photography.

CARRIE
And, what --
you want me to spread my legs
for truth, justice
and the eight-o’clock news?

KEKO
Why do you think they call you
a 'peace' officer?

CARRIE
You expecting the lame ‘undercover’ joke?
(to Larry)
I’ll go get waxed right away.

KEKO
Larry, we went over this.
I’m going undercover.
Do my Dirk Diggler thing.

LIPSHITZ
I don’t think you can --
pull it off.

KEKO
Pull it off?
Pull it off?
Are you casting aspersions on my --
swordsmanship?

LIPSHITZ
It’s an all-girl flick, Bernie.
(beat)
Light bondage.

CARRIE
Cool.

KEKO
(eyes light up)
All girls?

CARRIE
What’s the title?

LIPSHITZ
'Learning the Ropes.'
Catchy, huh.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Raring to go.

CARRIE
I certainly hope so --