Splendor In The Ass

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer/beauty pageant queen Sparkle Plenty cruises down Hollywood Boulevard checking out the street trash and gives us a glimpse into her abusive childhood. Meanwhile, suspended homicide detective Carrie Love has her first 'date' with porn star Laura Lang ...


EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - DAY
Sparkle cruises down the nasty boulevard,
platforms clattering --
smiling beneath red heart shades.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I love cheeseburgers, pizza,
video games, movies, comic books --
and catching a buzz whenever I can.
I’m your typical American teen.
(beat)
Except for one thing.
I’m gonna be the biggest
serial killer there ever was.
(beat)
People are gonna remember me.
You betcha.

INT. PLENTY HOME - LIVING ROOM - FLASHBACK - DAY
Dot shows her daughter a baton twirl.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
See, the thing was about my mom --
she like, didn’t want a daughter.
She wanted a star.
(beat)
And the money --
don’t forget the money.
She thought I was, like,
her ticket out the trailer ranch.
(beat)
How fucked up is that?
'Trailer Ranch.'
Like it’s a fucking ranch.
Raunch is more like it.
In hell.
(beat)
What. Ever.

Dot hands it to Sparkle,
who gives it a whirl.
She’s great.

CLOSE ON --
Sparkle’s face.
Bright. Eager.
Scared shitless.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
I mean, lookit me.
Is that pathetic or what?

INT. CARRIE LOVE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A Mr. Coffee DRIPS.
Carrie walks in, makes a cup.

She goes to the mini stereo,
searches through the CD’s.

Makes her choice.
Puts it on.
Presses 'play.'

The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s
sexy, Euro-croon
THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH fills the room.

Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her java.

INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie, hot in black,
checks out her reflection.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when
I’d been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.

She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Carrie changes CD’s --
ABC’S irresistible THE LOOK OF LOVE.

Big smile.
She lights a joint.

Inhales.
Closes her eyes.

Goes off somewhere to the music,
dancing, swirling --

The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.

Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --

A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight, sheer
ankle-length number with
buttons all the way up the front.

With five, maybe six buttoned.
And nothing else.

LAURA
(listens)
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song.

Their eyes lock.

CARRIE
(heart beating fast)
It’s -- my favorite song, too.

Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.

LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?

And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.

Laura on top, insinuating
her splendor into Carrie’s grass.

CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?

The phone BR-RINGS.

LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.

CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.

BR-RING. BR-RING.

LAURA
Godammit.

She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder.
CRASH.

LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?

CARRIE
You were -- uh --

Laura gently cups
Carrie’s breasts.

LAURA
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine --