The Other White Meat

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko investigates yet another one of teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's victims. Meanwhile, as police chief Larry Lipshitz gives a press conference about the murders, we discover disgraced detective Carrie Love in bed with witness Dina Daerr watching it on TV... as is her porn star flame Laura Lang, in bed with her director ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
At the crime scene,
BERNIE inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger
stuffed into the cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo.
Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about 'well done.'

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick of
rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie, uncomprehending.

KEKO (CONT’D)
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because I’m
a fucking Mexican we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were different,
man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European 'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer did it
in the fucking shower.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
From behind, we see Laura’s beautiful tush.
She turns toward us, grabs a razor --
and steps into the shower.

IN THE SHOWER
The razor slides across a shiny, perfect thigh.

LAURA
(sings)
On the night you murdered love --

A TELEVISION NEWS BROADCAST
A stiff, HANDSOME ANCHOR and a gorgeous
LATINA ANCHORWOMAN, shellacked hair,
grim frozen smile,
lean into THE CAMERA --

HANDSOME ANCHOR
We take you now to a press conference
in front of police headquarters, where --

LATINA ANCHORWOMAN
Brock Bradley is on the scene --
(dramatic pause)
Brock -- we’ve been told Larry Lipshitz,
chief detective, LA homicide --
is going to make a statement.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT
A gaggle of PRESS, ONLOOKERS and
COPS surround a podium crammed with mikes.
Larry Lipshitz takes a swig of Maalox.

BROCK BRADLEY
a vacant John Tesh on steroids
grips his mike, cocks his head,
gazes into THE CAMERA.

BROCK
That’s right, Lina.
They’re about to start any minute now --

YELLING MAN (O.S.)
Fuck you, stop pushing!
Unfair to the Guild!
Writers have rights!

HANDSOME ANCHOR
Holy homicide, Brock --
what the heck’s goin’ on down there?

BROCK
Well, there’s a couple of
protest groups out here, Biff --
one of them’s a group
from the Writer’s Guild --
they’re saying it’s
unfair to blame them,
and refer to the killings as
'cinema copycat crimes' --

LINA
And what’s the other group, Brock?

BROCK
I’m glad you asked, Lina --
protesting against Hollywood
marketing violence to children --
the Christian Unified Nation of Teachers.

The beauty spells out
the letters to herself. Gasps.

BROCK (CONT'D)
There’s Lipshitz.

BIFF
And not a moment too soon.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - CONTINUOUS
Larry tugs at his tie, loosens it.
Looks at the crowd.

LIPSHITZ
Thank you all for coming.
I know these are scary times we’re living in,
dark days in the city of angels.

He takes out a scrap of paper,
puts on his glasses.

SARCASTIC REPORTER
'City of angels?'
Who do you think you are,
Raymond Chandler?

LIPSHITZ
Nice to see you too, Mim.
What’s the matter,
didn’t get any last night?
(to the crowd)
I’m going to read a statement.
There’ll be no questions --

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S ESTATE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Klaus lies sprawled on his king-sized canopied bed.
Swirls, sips cognac from an oversized snifter.
Watches the telly.

KLAUS
(to someone offscreen)
The fucking police have nothing.
Nothing. Just this, this -- statement.
It’s incredible, I tell you.
The killer’s some kind of twisted genius.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Takes one to know one.

KLAUS
Flattery’ll get you -- anything you want.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
(sexy)
You’ll come in and help me douche, then?

KLAUS
Come back to bed, my little vixen --
I like your natural, animal -- scent.

He chuckles, eyes light up with mischief.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
You Germans --

Laura walks in, naughty smile --
and naughtier lingerie.

LAURA
Are such kinky, naughty little devils.

INT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - BEDROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Watching the news coverage is --
Dina, snuggled in bed with Carrie.

LIPSHITZ (O.S.)
This devil, this animal -- and bring him --
or her -- to justice once and for all.
And make the (BLEEP)ing streets
safe once again for
our law-abiding citizens.
(beat)
Pardon my metaphor. Sorry.

DINA
Your boss is an angry man.

CARRIE
You’d be angry too if you were my boss.
(grabs cigarette, lights up)
Be right back. Gotta pee.

She climbs out of bed.
Pads over to the bathroom.

DINA
You’re gonna miss all the fun.

IN THE BATHROOM
Carrie sits. Pees.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
You thought I was the hero?
Well, I’m sorry to puncture your balloon.
Tip your fucking applecart --
but life doesn’t always have a happy ending.
Now if you’ll excuse me --
I’ve got a thoroughbred
waiting for me in her bed.
And I’d like to give her a little sugar.
(beat)
Cause when the going gets tough --
the tough get laid.