Back Off, Boogaloo

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love gets busted by director Bruce Ball after trying to go undercover on the porn shoot. Meanwhile, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty gets training from her new boss on her first day working as a barista at a coffee shop ... but when Carrie and her partner Bernie Keko walk in, Sparkle suddenly has plans for them ...


INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - KITCHEN - DAY
Carrie and Zette get coffee,
scope out the craft services.

CARRIE
-- And I said,
'what do I look like? Talent?'

ZETTE
Vat do you expect when you
come to the porno
dressed like Daisy Dykes?

CARRIE
I’m dressed like this cause
it’s a fucking hundred degrees
out here in this cultural wasteland.

Pause.

ZETTE
(takes her hand)
I had fun the other night.
Glad you came.

CARRIE
Me, too.
Several times, actually.
(awkward)
Listen, there’s something
I gotta tell you.

A MALE VOICE is heard in the doorway.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You mean she doesn’t know you’re a cop?

Zette and Carrie look.
It’s Bruce.

BRUCE
A plainclothes homicide detective,
I believe?

ZETTE
You’re a cop?

CARRIE
I was going to tell you.
(to Bruce)
Bruce Ball?
What a surprise.
What are you doing here?

BRUCE
I’m the director of the film.

CARRIE
FILM? I thought this was a porno.

BRUCE
We in the industry
prefer the term 'adult film.'

CARRIE
'Adult film?' Oxymoron much?

INT. THE COFFEE BEAN CAFE - DAY
Sparkle stands behind the counter
in uniform getting training
from the MANAGER, a flaming queen.

SPARKLE
(brightly)
I’m the bastard, inbred offspring
of trailer trash from a town so poor,
Sunday dinner was the junkyard cat.
(beat)
Let me guess.
I’d say you’re from --
the east coast.
Massachusetts, Connecticut.
One of those Kennedy states.

MANAGER
That’s -- horrible.
You’re kidding me, right?

Her smile betrays nothing.
A phone rings in the back.

MANAGER
I’m from Hyannisport, actually.
But how did you --

Ring. Ring. Ring --

SPARKLE
You better get that.
It could be Michael Bay’s office
with a big order.

MANAGER
(as he leaves)
Yeah -- uh, just help out the customers.
I’ll be right back.

SPARKLE
(low, to herself)
Go ahead. Make my gran-day.

Carrie and Bernie walk in.

SPARKLE’S POV
They glow in a dreamy amber light,
glide in slow-motion.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Well, fuck me bloody
and hang me on a cross --
they’re perfect.

CARRIE AND BERNIE - REAL TIME
come up to the counter.

KEKO
I think you set a record
for having your cover blown,
doll-face.

CARRIE
Stuff it, Bernie,
I’m not in the mood.
Larry put me on this case,
so just back off, boogaloo.
(beat)
The little twerp owned the building
where we found that dead,
tortured yoga teacher
in the basement dungeon.
I tailed the fucker for a week,
but he was clean.
I coulda sworn he never saw me.
(to Sparkle)
I’ll have a grande mochachino
with a triple bullshot, please.

Sparkle nods, writes it down.

KEKO
(to Carrie)
Drink much caffeine?

CARRIE
Mind your own fucking business.
Order.

SPARKLE
(to Bernie)
Yes, officer --
what can I get you?

KEKO
Officer?
How did you know I was --

SPARKLE
That haircut? Those shoes?
This is the Sunset Strip, mister.
Where’d you buy that suit?
Ross Dress for Less?
(beat)
Wait a minute, let me guess.
Coffee. Black. Four sugars.
(beat)
Don’t worry, this is a
donut joke-free zone.

She smiles strangely,
goes to the coffee machine.

KEKO
Uh -- no, wait --
(looks at menu above)
I’ll have a --
decaf iced latte, little lady.

Sparkle reacts like she’s been stabbed.

CARRIE
Ooh. Macho.

KEKO
Shut up.
It’s hot out,
I want something cool.
(to Sparkle)
And I’m buying.
How much?

SPARKLE
(mumbles to herself)
I’m not your little lady.

KEKO
I’m sorry?

SPARKLE
I said --
that’ll be seven-eighty.